Clean Up

Hello,does she get an allowance? If yes, What I did with my teenage daughter after repeatly asking her to clean-up after herself, I started given her an itemized bill with her allowance that clearly stated my fee for having to clean-up after her. If I had to clean-up her room or bath room she received a billed from me for cleaning service. Once it got to the point where she received a bill plus balance due, she got the message.

D., when she leaves her stuff around, pick it up and put it in a trash bag, and when she asks where it is at, tell her she will have to earn it back, that you will no longer tolerate her TRAILS, and if you continue to find her things all over the place, after 3 days they will permanently end up in the trash.

I think the best way to handle it is just leave her stuff where she puts it...in effect go on strike...if she puts dishes in the sink, leave them there until they pile up sky high. When she asks for clean dishes tell her to do it herself. Make her responsible for keeping her stuff clean and don't pick up after her. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

DEAR D. W,
I have 2 girls and they are 22 and 19. I remember my oldest daughter being like that and my 19 years forget everything like your daughter. And get A's and can have a long distance Relationship with her boyfriend. School, work and home is her routine. I used to get so frustrated, Mad and really don't know what to do.Also My husband was a neat "FREAK" him a military guy and retired I also get blame that I spoil them" according to him! But you know when my oldest daughter move out and went to College and we visited her place. I was so surprise how clean and so organized and very meticulous on her stuff. She comes home for a break and she so neat and help out. By the way her room mate was like "pigs" they make me feel good because I realize everything that I thought my daughter she really remember and she got it well. I have been worried all those time. Now, at home her room is very clean but it's "EMPTY" because she's not there. I missed her mess and me talking all the time about it. Maybe you can just go easy on it, It really depend on what you have plan on what she's doing after high school. My youngest Daughter is moving out to transfer to another University to finish her Bachelor Degree and to her Master. I will have another room "CLEAN" for sure
but empty. I'm also a stay home MOM and really getting old. It's getting so Quite and Clean here at my place. I like it better before. Teen ager have their own world. It could be worst, Try to focus on her good qualities and just remind her once in a while that she needs to be organized. Why don't you try not really making a big deal about it and do a reverse Psychology add on her mess see how she respond.Take it easy and have a nice Sunday!
mtbm
She is just a normal 16 years old.

Money always hurt our daughter growing up. I used to give her a reverse allowance. I would give her $20 and see how long she could keep it after paying fines. I showed her that is how our world works. We earn a paycheck and then lose our money as we are punished with speeding/parking tickets (not wanting to follow rules), hiring someone to do our chores vs. doing it our selves, etc. It worked well and now she is always willing to try to do things on her own instead of pay others to do everything for her.

You're not as old as the hills, you're as young as your heart! It sounds like you have a great daughter, I suggest you sit down with her and have a heart to heart. (Choose a good time when she's well rested and well fed.) Express your frustration with her pattern of leaving things out and messy. Ask her for her ideas on how to come up with a reward/consequence system for "picking/cleaning up." Perhaps you have certain areas you want tidied ie. bathroom, bedroom, dishes (hers). Maybe propose a system of checking each area each day. If you have to clean up something (kitchen or bathroom) that's a negative mark or check. If you see that she's done it, a positive check. Come up with a positive reward (ask her input) that she could work toward. Also ask her what she believes should be the consequence for not picking up. She sounds like a good kid, she may surprise you with her ideas. Make the areas and criteria pretty clear and simple. The hardest part is going to be your follow-through. You absolutely must keep up with your new system and follow-through or you will diminish your chances of dealing with this and other issues in the future. Do make the positive rewards something fun for both of you, like going out to a movie. Make a point to praise her often when you see that she's trying to improve!
Good luck, I know you can do this!
S.
thefridj.com

Hello D.. I can honestly say I wish I were in your shoes regarding this situation. LOL My daughter is a good kid most of the time, but sometimes she is not, and those are the days we have to steer clear of her. It is a nightmare sometimes. Anyway, I have the same problem with my 17 y/o daughter - she is just a slob. The only effective thing that I have found is to stand over her and watch her do things. For instance, if I go downstairs and see that she has eaten and has not put her dishes in the sink (I don't even ask her to wash them - I do that - but just clear the table of her mess!) I will call her down (if she's not already down there) and tell her to clean it up, right then and there. I wait until she does it. She is like this in most aspects of cleanliness and I am constantly having to remind her to do things. It is tiring and frustrating, but if you have the time and patience, it will pay off to do just that. If she is not home when you notice something out of place, or a mess or whatever, leave it there until she comes home (if possible) and as soon as she walks in the door, tell her to clean it up. I agree, that things could be worse. You have a good kid, so this isn't a HUGE issue, but it is one of cleanliness - you want her to be able to live on her own one day and be able to do these things for herself. The key here is to not remind her or tell her to do something unless you are standing right there and can monitor her, so to speak. Do not give her the chance to say "I'll do it later" or "I'm busy", have her do it right then and there. Best of luck to you!!!

Tee hee... I'm just having a little chuckle over that response saying you were a little late in teaching her... Moms of teens know that you can teach a kid all the finer points of civilized behavior but when puberty hits at least 10 of 'em vanish without a trace. Just part of the adventure. I have one 17 year old and three kids under 10, but I haven't stumbled onto a magic cure yet.

If I were you, I'd just get a laundry basket and make a habit of gently dumping her 'trail' in there whenever it trips you up. Just explain nicely that you're not doing it to be mean, but the 'trail' bothers you -- you don't want to treat her like a baby, so you'll just tuck it all into this basket and let her tidy it on her own when she's ready. It won't *solve* the problem, but it's a quick and painless way to get it out of your way. It still doesn't get her to do her own work, but then again, if there's a single teenage battle you have to forfeit, this is a whole lot better than other options. (Gosh, my kingdom for good grades, no dating dramas but untidy!) And you never know... maybe she'll get the point.

Have a good one, and may I **commend** you: a daughter of the caliber you described is not only a gift, she's a reflection of solid, good parenting. Well done!

:-)

Give her an incentive motivation. For example for every day that she cleans up after herself she receives a treat (snack, eyeshadow, more time with you...)For an entire week you can give a biggie (movie, new shirt, money...) This may motivate her in a positive way until she has done it enough where it becomes a habit to clean up after herself...

M.
www.successfuldiligence.net

www.candle4me.com

Hi D.,

I started charging my girls minutes. For every item that I picked up around the house, they owed me 10 min of work. It worked out great. I told them what was going to happen if they left there stuff around the house. It only took a few times. They figured that it only took them a few minutes to clean up the things compared to the 10 min. of work. Six items and I had a clean kitchen.

A.

Take the mess, put it in a basket and leave it in her room. Tell her you don't mind that she can't get it cleaned up right away but it is in your way and you want her to be able to get to it when she has time. When my daughter was that age I used the same sort of tactics and she got the message. When she started working at a grocery store she came home one day and exclaimed that the other cashiers were not picking things up and wiping underneath them when they cleaned the registers!!! I know at that moment that I had fullfilled my destiny as a mother!!

D., great question and very common. I solved it very easily. I cleaned the house to my specifications. I then took pictures of everything left just the way I like it. I have the pics inside cupboards, in drawers, on the back of my daughters door in their rooms. I don't say a word. If the space isn't like the picture, I point out the picture. At first it was up to me to be diligent, but truthfully after about a month, I never had to say aything again. Both daughters know what is expected and there is not room for argument. They see the pictures all the time and now they just leave it that way. It's actually fun. It is kind of like I brainwashed them! LOL LOL!
Hope this helps.

B.

I think a healthy talk about time management is always good. Teenagers are naturally self absorbed and often can't think about consequences that don't directly affect them. You could try explaining: "I would like to drive you to that football game (or friends house enter whatever) but I can't because I had to do some of your cleaning which left me no time to get the things done that I need to." The more time you use taking care of her responsibilities the less time you have as a family together doing things that you enjoy together.

PRIORITIZE! I am the mother of a 34 year old daughter who is has a PhD. She was much like your daughter at 16. I closed the door to her bedroom and washed only her clothes that were in the hamper (not on the floor anywhere). When we had company, it was her job to clean the bathroom. I believe 16 year olds have difficulty focusing on their physical environment. They do however have a very fragile emotional framework and may react to your reminding as nagging. When they feel nagged, they often act out. This is only my experience with my daughter.

Pay her for chores. From the time I was 7, my parents gave me (this was 26 years ago and I was 7, so adjust for inflation - LOL) $1/day and I had 7 chores to do each day. My mom kept a chart and would check each day if they were all done. If ONE was not done, she would give us a warning and if we still chose not to do it, then we didn't get paid for the other 6. She said it was like a job, if you didn't do your entire job, you wouldn't get paid. Then, they started discussing taxes, and at the time I had no idea what that meant, I knew taking money away from me was bad!

I used that money to open a savings account. My mom would pay for necessary school clothes ONCE at the beginning of the year and if we wanted anything more, we paid for it. She would pay $20 for a pair of jeans and if I wanted a pair of Guess jeans, then I had to cough up the other $40. It really made me figure out what was important. I only ever bought 1 pair of Guess jeans. ;)

I think teens are great at coming up w/ their own incentives. It teaches them to discipline themselves, the ultimate goal any way. She sounds great, just probably off and running to do something else. Coming up w/ her own solution will just help her remember.

Jen

Hi
HOw about a cute makeup bag. Let her know that anything that isnt in the bag when she is done goes in the trash.
good luck

Red the book, "Don't shoot the dog"

ease up a little. If she is mostly perfect, then be happy she is just a little unorganized and messy. Especially if she makes her own breakfast, etc. No need to ground her for something so minor. Maybe you can just gather up all of her things she leaves out in the common areas of the house and place them on her bed, then she will have to put them away in order to go to sleep : ) I'm 30, so I remember being the same way when i was her age. I was good, got good grades, did my own laundry, etc I just didn;t want to do many chores. Now, I am very clean. I think she'll get better, especially if it's hyer own space that's a mess. That's when I changed - when I moved to my own place at 20. Good luck

This worked for me. If she gets an allowance...charge her for cleaning up after her. Don't let her out of the house till she picks up after herself. Those things worked for me explain to her that you have many more responsiblities other then just cleaning up after her. So far it has worked for me.
C.

This is a constant battle at our home as well. I think that the kids today think that this sfuff is owed to them. We are the "Cinderella's" of the house.

I keep track of the things the girls know that they are suppost to do but don't but when it comes to them wanting something, I go back and look at the list for the week. If there any affenses which there always are they loose out on privilages that they want.

It has hit hard at certain times and others they dont care but I am still doing it until they get it.

D. B.
Abby, 7
Kayla 12
Meghan 14

D.,
I love your pure honesty about your children and who you are.
My daughter was a good teenager, but her room was always messy. We worked on it and her from the time she was a child. We would warn her that she had a week to clean up her room, or some of her toys would disappear.(Broken toys, or missing pieces to games, etc.) Her dad would bring a black trash bag in her room and start helping her clean it at the end of that week. I would remind her throughout the week to start cleaning, I even helped her sometimes. She just didn't want to clean it up. When she hit her teens, and the problem continued, I just wouldn't help her clean her room anymore. We did have her do chores, she got decent grades, played sports, etc. Sound familiar? She is now 32 years old, married and has three children of her own. She now is experiencing what her father and I went through. She still can be messy at times, but her bathrooms, and kitchen are always clean. She has three boys, and she is teaching them to help her clean up their messy bedroom, and the house. She remembers very well, the black trash bag and how she never wanted to part with anything. Slowly, I have seen some changes in her. She cleans her house often, is a good cook, works part time, is a good loving mother and wife. So, it doesn't really hurt anyone, unless it really bothers you. If so, talk to her about it. Remind her that you are not her maid. Leave a post it on her door telling her "Don't forget to do your dishes. Thanks." On the mirror, leave a note, "Please put your makeup away. Mom:)" See if that works, get some cute post its, there are a lot out there. Go to the Dollar Store or 99 cent store, they have many to choose from.

Hang in there.

E.:)

It is just a phase. I read or heard somewhere that the teenage brain is... rearranging, for lack of a better word (think of rearranging your house) so they have those big duh moments or have to work twice as hard to keep up with everything, thus things that can fall by the wayside do. Keep up the example of being tidy and organized and it will register eventually. Good luck!

Hi.
That was me. At this point nothing you can do will change her. It will become a source of bad feelings between you, and at this juncture is it worth it? She has to realize it for herself at some point...if ever.
If I were you I would fight for the dishes but just close the door on her room and bathroom. (Pick your battles.) You may find when you relax she might try to thank you by being cleaner! That's what happened with me...although I must admit the spotless house scenario still evades me....

She's probably not being obstinate she is just probably a creative type who's mind is far, far away....

This is where a good sense of humor is your best friend.

Thanks for loving her anyway! She sounds like a great kid.

Deb

D.,

I don't have any true experience with teenagers. My daughter is only 5. However, I watch my sister-in-law from afar (she leaves in Tennessee). I'm going to assume that you give your daughter an allowance. What works for them is that there's a list of "charges". If you make a sandwich and you leave the bread on the counter and the mustard out, you get charged 25 cents for each infraction. There's three kids in her house, and it works for them.

Hope this helps a little bit.

K.

If you want to get a behavior to change in a kid you definately have to set up guidelines and discipline accordingly. I know she's a great little lady otherwise (I've got one too - I feel your pain, you hate to upset one who's so good!), but still - she's not yet an adult and you will have to parent her until she is, which includes discipline and guidance. Just create the rule and a consequence to back it up, a teen-"friendly" one, and make sure that you are consistent and insistent that she follows the rule (don't ever allow excuses or make allowances or she won't take you seriously) - if she messes up the bathroom then she gets to clean it (the whole thing, toilet and all) for you the next time it's due for a cleaning. If she leaves a mess in the kitchen she gets to load the diswasher by herself. But to address your worry about being "mean", the key is to make the rule apply to all her sibs so you're not "singling" her out, and also to establish the rule/consequence ahead of time - just announce it at dinner or a family meeting, however you usually communicate that stuff. It doesn't have to be done in an angry way - actually, if you do this right it should feel more like a game (really! this is possible, I've done it). All this will make HER responsible for following the rule, and she'll know at her age that if she ends up with an extra chore that it's really her fault because she is able to reason at that age well enough.

Hi D.:
Wellllll....lol. My four sisters and I were no different than your daughter. We were active in school,and in music and in sports,and let me tell you,It was nothing short of a mad house in the mornings....fighting over bathroom time,hairblowers,clothes,missing make-up,fighting over who used your favorite blouse and got a stain on it! Rising at 6am or earlier is rough,and wether its 5 girls or one,there never seems to be enough time in the morning to do (everything) you need to before running for the bus!Mom tried getting us up earlier,so we'd have sufficiant time to get ready and grab something for breakfast,however that was easier said than done.You can imagine the mess we left in our rush...Moms biggest complaint,was all the make-up we left all over the counters in the bathrooms and on our dressers.She went out and got each one of us a cute little silver basket,to keep it in.She showed us how simple it was to drop each thing we had used into the basket after we were finished with it.We soon realized,that it was just as quick to drop it in there as it was to drop it on the sink.We kept those little containers forever,and loved the fact it kept our things separated from each other preventing mix ups,or losses. She also made sure she had a big hamper in the hall next to the bathroom,and again demonstrated how it took all of 2 seconds to throw our towel in as we left. You feel pretty silly,when someone points out the measly effort.She made my bed in 2 minutes!!! when your rushed,and think you haven't a moment to spare,some smarty comes along and shows you you've got plenty!! lol. I wish you and your active girl the best.

Quick question...do you eventually pick up after her?

My sister was notorious for leaving her stuff everywhere!!! Dishes in the den after studying, books on the staircase and my Mom's favorite, was the clothes in the bathroom after shower. But, she always cleaned up after her and one day stopped. It was the most bizarre day in our house, when my neat-freak Mom stopped picking up after my sister...it was a Friday night. My sister and I were both cheerleaders and our house was the gathering ground for our friends most Fridays. My sister got home after school, and asked me isn't Mom going to clean up the house. There were dishes in the den. Books on the table. Her gym bag in the entryway, and various other things.

My Mom came down and announced that she was taking the weekend off, and if we were going to have friends over we could do it ourselves. It was fantastic. My sister cried and threw a tantrum, and my Mom just sighed and said sweetheart, I love your but, you are a mess and I'm done following you around with a dust pan.

It was great to watch my sister running around the house, picking up after herself. Our Mom was consistent and only stuck to doing whatever was in the laundry hamper, and didn't put dishes in the washer.

Needless to say, it worked. Now at 26, my sister is her own little neat-freak and torments her husband for his sloppyness!

My daughter is 13 and we are just getting there. I will be doing exactly what my dad did to my brother at that age: but ever last thing around the house that she left behind on her pillow. Books, dishes, whatever... all on the pillow.

At the point that the greasy car part that brother was working on was left on the porch and made it to his favorite pillow case, the problem resolved itself.

This eliminate nagging, begging, yelling, all of it. Hope it works for us both!

H.

I would start taking things away from her (cell phone,computer,phone, trips to the mall with friends..ect)Give them back when she does what she is supposed to do.
That would usually work for a teenager.
Good luck!

Hi D. - I was like your daughter until about four months ago, when I found www.flylady.net. Now, I'm 36, but you may find some ideas on the flylady website to help your daughter. My problem has always been finishing things, and flylady has helped me with that. Check out the Riley Challenges in the kids' section. Maybe you could do them with your daughter to help her develop good habits.

Let me tell you, I've struggled for years with being disorganized. I wish I had learned the simple habits flylady teaches a long time ago.

Good luck! - P.

My mom used to put everything on our beds...even dirty plates. Her motto was "you can make a mess, but keep it to your area-- otherwise respect public domain."

I'm not there yet - but have an idea.
Post it note reminders -
an example would be on the mirror where she does her make-up.
"Don't forget to put your make up away :) "

Fridge - "please put things back in - I'm hungry."

One other idea, that works well with my 10 year old is a list of what she needs to clean before she can get on the computer or have a fun day.

L.

Hi D.-
I was the same way as a teenager and only a little better as an adult :) I would say you can either offer money when you notice she has cleaned up, even if it's just a couple dollars with verbal praise as teenagers are all about the here and now and very motivated by material things. Another idea is to accept that that is not her strength and ask her what chores she is willing and comfortable doing and then hold her to it. I was not allowed to go out with my friends or use the phone until my chores were done and that always motivated me :)
Take Care

HI D.,

My thoughts on this are: I remember I was a slob as a teenager and I changed only when I moved out into my own place, and even then it wasn't until I was a little older and started respecting my home and the fact that I pay a lot of money to live here, I want it to be clean, look nice, etc...I agree with Harmony, maybe not letting her go out with friends until her chores are done might work. I did that with my 16 year old the other night...and it actually worked, she is "the Princess", thinks she doesn't have to do anything, simply because she gets good grades and is a "good girl"....We learn as we go as parents...good luck and let us know if you find something that works, I might try it!!

M.

Welcome to the club....
I have the same problem..
I tried everything taking away stuff. But still did not worl\k.
Just hope that she goes to college and moves at of your home soon.
Or take a picture and show it to the boy she like maybe that would be embarrasing enoght.
Good luck....

My mother used to say.."pretty face dirty butt"

Hi D.,

Before I started writing this I read your responses. Actually, I wished all the tricks would have worked, but didn't. I have a daughter, 24, who as a teenager drove me and her dad crazy with her unorganization. I went out and bought her orgaizational tools (ie. . .baskets for the make-up, folders for the school work, cool things to put jewerly in and clothes in). I did it all. Grounded her, told her she could go places, but without money, told her she couldn't go places, etc. . . But all that happened was more fustration. She really made me mad when she would go somewhere else and I would see her helping someone else out. So, what I taught her was working just not at home.

One day I was talking to a couple who are friends (one's a teacher and one's a nurse) and they said that kids think from the back part of their brain at this age. Which is being unorganized, making bad choices, blah, blah, blah. As we all get older (about 23-25) we start thinking from the front part of our brain, which is when we start to get more organized with our thoughts and things come together. Choices are easier, organization is easier and so on.

I didn't think I was going to make it. Although, my daughter like yours was a good girl. Had good work ethics, got good grades, had great friends, etc. . . Her lack of organization in the house drove me nuts. Now at 24, she realizes her lack of unorganization and is fixing it. She tells me that she's glad that I reminded her. That in her head she can still hear me. lol She also tells me a lot of those bad habits came from trying to be organized and to much was going on in her mind. Like "when I get done eating I've got put on my make-up and make sure to get my homework to hand in. Hope my friend so and so is going to call". She says the clean-up just never came up. (She thinks this is funny, I don't)

All I can say is that what I did is remind her. "Your dishes are in the sink. I'm not the maid, I'm the mom". "Your make-up is still on the bathroom counter. It's my turn in there, please." "Your clothes aren't going to get cleaned unless they're in the hamper". On bad days I would get the comment about not being a 2 year old. I would just remark then not to be messy like one. On good days it would quietly be done.

Your daughter too will out grow this, but she will need constant reminding. Sooner or later they realize that what goes on in the house is like real life. So don't despair, you will make it. And so will she. lol

I'm sorry, but at 16 you're a little bit late in the game.
Trying to teach her something that she should already know at this age, surely wont work.
Perhaps one day when she moves out and notices that the dishes don't get washed by themselves, and counters don't clear themselves off...perhaps then she will realize the full circle.
If you can live with it, leave it (yes, I do mean the dishes as well)until she clears all of it off her self. You don't have to say anything to her, it will really just speak to her itself... if not only the smell.
Good Luck, you'll need it.

D.-

When I was a teenager I was extremely active in school and got good grades and had a job. I had to be so organized in my school life that when I got home I had to have some part of my life that wasn't so organized. My room was never clean and I'm pretty sure I left a trail of things too. If your daughter is doing really well in school and very busy with activities that will help her get into a good college - maybe just strike a compromise and pick up after her during the week... and on the weekends she has to take care of her stuff.

PS - I'm now very organized both at home and at work with a very active 2 yr old son.

D.