Teens and Chores

the chores are life skills and she;ll need to balnce that the rest of her life. i think consquencs can be a good thing for children. Mine are young yet but my son knows if he wears out another tire on his bike he will be saving money to reaplce it. We bought it last time and he likes to skid so when its gone it is his job to get a new one. We will provide jobs for him to earn the money. Liz S.

Hi L.,
I have 13 year old son. I have a white board that I write the chores on. Sometimes we havea to be flexible too. The last two days were to busy so today and tomorrow he's to catch up. I do believe in logical consequences. Somethings just have to be done and there are consequences. One of the books someone recommended when I last posted is "The Parent/Teen Breakthough by Mira Kirshenbaum and Charles Foster. I got it from the library. It is useful. The other thing I read was teens brains are not fully developed till early 20s. The part they are still working on is judgement. There are some articles on the internet on it and I also went to a local talk on it.
Happy teen parenting!
S.
http://www.YesToSuccess.net/S.
helping families with health and wealth for 12 years
PS: Well off to wake my teen up. We homeschool. The deal is if he gets all his previous days chores/school done he can sleep in.

Yes, some consequences would be appropriate. Everyone is part of a family first anf foremost. So the things that need to be done at home need to come before the extras. That's just how real life is, and that's what you are teaching her about. If she can't get her chores done at home, maybe there's too much extra stuff going on in her life right now, and some of it needs to be cut back. That can be stressful on anybody, even if all the extra stuff is fun.

As long as she has a reasonable amount of chores, I think it's perfectly acceptable for her to carry out her responsibilities. Just be sure to not overload her and teach her how to manage and prioritize her time. Expecting her to clean up after herself, take care of her space, and do her own laundry is great and she should be able to find the time to do them. If her schedule is jam packed, is there an extra-curricular activity that can be cut?

No no consequences becuase it's her laundry her room her bathroom. Let her learn the hard way what happens when you don't do laundry and you have to wear dirty cltohes to school. Let her figure it out on her own. She is truely busy so let her learn how the real world works and how to balance everything that enough is what she needs. She doesn't need punishments she's to old.

L., yes consequences are how they learn, i now have 3 teens, well 2 oldes is not a teen anymore, he is 20, hahaha if she has to do her own laundry, for instance, the consequences of it not getting done is she has no clean clothes not by the fault of anyone else, but by her own fault, how hard is it to put a load of laundry in, before school, switch it out later, and dry it ? if its in the washer and you need it put it in a basket, if she was on her own she would have those same consequences, why stop the reality of consequences we all have them, we all have to learn where we put our term paper, if our room is a mess, we pay for having to look frantically for it in a messy room however if we had listened to mom and cleaned our room, that term paper would of been neatly on the desk or in our backpack, when it was done, etc, definitely let the consequences happen, if she has not learned that not doing things by now does not have any consequences, you might have more issues to deal with than just a teen ? its ok to let them happen, this is part of their training to be an adult, she will be fine, but talk to her about it too, and get her view of things ? and find out how come she dont have time to do it and maybe chart what she does with her time, if she is watching tv or playing games or a freinds house she has the time, find the time, buy out the opportune time, enjoy life, and knwo that you are helping to raise our future, !! D. s

Don't know what her activities are, but maybe she needs less of those?

I am just now trying to set up a chore chart. I'm way behind since my oldest is 14 and youngest is 8, however we can't take the arguments over "why doesn't she have to..." etc including saying that I don't do anything and make them do all the work. HA!

I have read however that as they enter high school their responsibilities should actually decrease and the younger ones who are now old enough should pick up the slack. High school has a lot more demands in regards to homework time and sports every day vs. once or twice /week. I think the biggest mistake is assigning a chore, then doing it for them if they fail to. Decide first what you can live with and adjust her home load according to her school load.

I have a son that will be 14 this summer and I dont let him slip up too much, again I completely know what the crazy times are here with the summer coming and sports...etc! But the do need to learn now how to manage their time, between homework, friends, extraciricular, job, and just simple housework. If she just needs to keep her room clean, put your dirty clothes in the laundry room, clean ones away, and bathroom, thats not bad at all. And I dont know if she gets allowance for doing it, mine do, but if its not done then no allowance!
I know my kids got tired of doing the same ol stuff all the time so I just changed things up myself. My husband got me a box of chocolates for valentines day, it has a "spinner" on the top, I converted it from the sassy sayings that it had on it to the "chore wheel", spin the arrow twice a day for each of them, they may get something different two days in a row, or they may get the same thing, but thats what they have for the night. Things like: dishes, garbage, upper bath, lower bath, dusting, dog duty, bedroom, or night off (which they can have one of these a week). They do the chores = they get their $ at the end of the week. let me know if this helps out. Thanks for reading

It is absolutely appropriate to have consequences. She will not only face them in your home, but at school and at her place of employment. Reinforcing them in the "safety net" of your own home will teach her life long skills (i.e. how to juggle multiple activities and tasks on her own and prioritize her time). I have a daughter who is a freshman in college now and she recently thanked me for "forcing" her to call and schedule her own appointments, speak to teachers on her own behalf if she had issues and learn how to do laundry and handle other responsibilities. She said she was amazed at the number of other students who either didn't know how to do these things or were afraid to speak up for themselves. In the end, our job is to prepare our kids for what lies ahead and the better prepared they are, the better off they will be-even if they complain about it now! Compromise can also be a consequence!

I think you have to choose your battles. I'm in the same situation right now with my son. He is a great kid, very active and gets good grades. He does his chores when he can during the week and before he goes out on the weekends. I don't nag at him to do it, we compromise, and him realizing that I understand he's trying. For me to bring any punishment into the situation I think could cause strife and a break down in communication. Understand that I am all about making my kids help out around the house, I don't want this to sound as if my son calls the shots, we've just found a way that works for us and everyone is happy. I wouldn't do any of those chores for him, if all his clothes are dirty then so be it and if he has friends over and is embarrassed by his messy room, then so be it. Sit down your teen and talk about it and together you can come up with something that will work for the both of you.

I too have a jr high school child. he is 11. Sometimes I have problems getting him to do his chores. Yes, there are times when letting them slide is ok but if it becomes a habit then you should let her know that it is not allowed. My son has the same chores, wash, room and bathroom. These chores don't take that long to do and if she doesn't have the time to do them then maybe she should cut back on some of her acttivities. Other wise maybe she needs to learn how to schedule her time so that she can achive all of it.
I am sure if you have a talk with her and let her know what is expected of her she will find the time or "make time" to get it done. I find that cleaning as you go makes a big difference..Hope it helps

Yes she needs to be responsible for her share. By letting her slide is sending her the message that it is ok to be apart of a family unit and not share in the responsibilites. I totally understand that her schedule is busy however she need to learn how to make the neceesary adjustments like all people do. This will only teach her it not all about her. Keep up the good work. It's tough being a parent to a teen.

Maybe she has too much on her plate. Do you think she might have too many extra curricular actvities? When she's in college and "the real world" laundry, dishes, etc. will not justget done while she's got meetings, groups, homework, etc. She needs to learn how to prioritize to get what's important done.

I don't have kids that old yet, but I like to make sure my kids get the work done first before fun things. My 6 year old has to make her bed and keep her room picked up. If she wants to go to her aunts, or if there is something fun she wants to do, and I check her room and it's not clean, to bad so sad. If your teens schedule is jam packed, and some of those activities are extra activities (b-ball,track,v-ball, etc), those are not requirements. I just think if they want to do those things, they should get them done first. That way at the end of the week, they are not more stressed out trying to get them done. Set a certian day to clean the bathroom, and a certian evening for laundry, (sunday afternoon would work great she could have everything washed and ready for the week). I hope I don't sound like a stricked one. But you let them slide a little, they'll slide alot. Everything has either a good out come or a consequence.

Hi L.,

I too have a 17 year old daughter who is a junior and has a packed schedule. I totally feel your pain. She also has chores she is supposed to do every week such as cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning her room, and taking out the trash. I find myself nagging her every week to get her chores done and then she gets mad at me because I remind her. She usually gets them done, but the bathrooms went two weeks before being cleaned a couple of weeks ago. I don't think having some sort of consequences if she doesn't get her chores done is out of line. She will need to learn to balance work and school with laundry and cleaning when she is on her own. She won't have you there to constantly remind her to do her chores or to pick up after her. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi, L.
just to reiterate what you were saying in regards to your
daughter and her household responsibility's, I feel it is wise to hold your daughter to her chores around the house, because your right! it will only make her a responsible realistic individual. and that also includes her school, work, sports' activities, it will also give a prospective to prioritize her duties, because if you think about it these are things like you said that our children need to incorporate in their lives, instead of us as parents' doing it for them, trust me I can relate! we have 4 kid's, and in those 4 kid's resides a 17 years old junior in high school, that also have a job, school, sports activities, and chores at home, however my solution for her is to priorities, sports at school would have to suffer, because realisticly as a junior in high school should be more focused on s.a.t. score etc. sports, exercise, or what ever they would like to caljust al it, yes thats important to but can be cut to a minimum. just a lil advise from a mother's love. press on L. press on. - W. p

Yes, I think that she still needs to be doing her chores. From here on out, life will always be very busy and balancing one's obligations is a very important skill. I remember thinking that my life was very busy in high school, only to get to college and realize that it could get much busier, and then busier again every year.
Also, I would think that putting off those chores until the end of the week would make them more difficult to complete, unlike if she does a little bit--say five minutes--of cleaning every day.

Hi,
I have 4 kids 15 girl, 12 girl, 3 son and 2 girl, and we have one on the way. My kids all do chores. The first 2 alternate between the kitchen and the living room. They also do their own laundry and their room. They are both busy with school and sports. I don't let them slack on that since our family is so big it requires them to work around the house. My husband and I both work on the weekends so they take care of the 2 little ones. I give them rewards for that, like taking them to the movies letting them spend the night at a friends house ect. They don't expect any allowance because I told then that they are part of a family and that this is there job. They help dirty up the home, they can help keep it clean. When the oldest one misses a day of chores, she ends up with both rooms. I tell then if they just keep up with it, the rooms don't get so bad and it takes less time to keep it up. They love to take their time to clean and when they do that, it takes a way from their time. I have heard all of the excuses. My favoret is the babies took to much time. I show them that they can get the little ones to help, like pick up dirty cloths, the toys, and they love to help put dishes away. I think that they need to have consequences if the chores aren't done.

If your teen has so much school activities and is also working i think you should lift her responsibilities at home .(if she is pulling good grades) she has more on her plate now and needs to grow into adulthood. She has enough responsibilities to handle. Don't overload her she will resent you for that!!!she should keep her room clean and help when she can.like dishes and vaccuming.and sweeping. Take out the garbage. The little tasks that won't take much time to do!! I know i had two teens at once and it was my place to see them achieve their gaols in their upcomming lives... B.

Hi L.,

I also have two teenagers and have tried the chore chart in the past. It worked wonderful when they were in their early teens, but as they entered high school our routine had to change. They also had packed schedules including a lot of homework, sports, afterschool jobs etc. They were really overwhelmed. I now have them do 1 chore a night (unload/load dishwasher, take out garbage etc.) and then on the weekends we as a "family" finish whatever needs to get done. My family is less stressed this way and the chores still get done. If she is not getting her chores done because she is choosing not to do them, then yes I think consequences are appropriate.

I have a high school freshman and a fifth grader. Our approach to chores has been a bit less structured than yours, but the children are expected to help around the house. I have found it helpful to vary the amount of work they do depending on their current schedules - i.e. during busy sporting seasons I expect less from them than I do during summer vacation. The only consequence I have imposed is that when I have specifically assigned a task they are not allowed to go with friends, etc...until their work is completed. I get very little resistance from my kids when I ask for help, mostly I think, because they see me being fair about it and know that I am taking their schedules into consideration.
Another thing I have found helpful and fun is that on the weekends we sometimes pick a chore that really needs to be done and the whole family pitches in to do it together. We crank up the music and in an hour and a half or so the house is clean and we've spent some time togheter talking and singing, etc...

Hi L.,

I think it is great that you are helping prepare your daughter for independence. It sounds like you also want to ensure that she is successful and that her needs are met. Great! I think natural consequences are the best. That is, if she does not do her laundry, she has no clean clothes to wear. As a mom, it would be hard for me to see my child have no clean clothes, but probably she will have some clean clothes, just no the ones she wants to wear. If she gets frustrated with this system, you might want to ask if she wants your help looking at her schedule to find time. Then you can help her figure out where it might fit. If you discover that in fact there is no time for her to get these chores done without sacrificing sleep or school time (her 2 top priorities), then you might need to rethink her chores or her social life/extracurricular commitments. You might also want to show her how you spend your time to show how you fit so many things into your busy day. This might help her feel like the chores are not unreasonable.

Good luck!

Does she get an allowance? I know that sounds funny for a working teenager BUT that is why she is working; to earn money for whatever. Maybe try giving her $10 a week if her chores are completed. And, if they are not done by the end of the week, she doesn't get the $10. Seeing a little extra income might work; it might not. We have been doing that for a couple of years, now, with our 12 y/o son. Plus, we have included that there can be NO complaining about doing something when asked. It has been working; especially since he uses $5 to go skating every Friday; saves the other $5. Skating is something he enjoys doing and does every chance he gets; that's why he uses his own money. He gets once a month from us and uses his if he wants to go more often. Just a thought.

L.,
Will all of the good advice that's been written here about your problem, the one thing that's struck me the most is that you still have a say in what she does with her spare time. If all of the extra activities are getting too much for YOU, sit your daughter down and have a talk with her. Maybe have a lunch date away from the family so the two of you can talk about this. Have her input on how to solve the problem that you're having with getting her to do her chores in your schedule and not hers and make her stick to it. Have her set a group of consequences if the things don't get done. She might also tell you that she's feeling a little overwhelmed with all the stuff that she's doing and between the two of you, you may come up with a solution that both of you can live with. But please, talk with her.

I think that "G" said it all! Great advice! Learning to schedule in her chores is a great skill that you are teaching her. I think that having a consequence is a great thing as there are consequences in "real life" too. It sounds by your post like you are a fair woman so I would say that whatever you choose will be appropriate. Great job!

Hi L.
I agree with beth. By you not doing her chores and her not doing them she will learn quickly how to get her clothes washed and hopefully be embarresed by her bathroom if her friends come over. I say let her have natural consequences. Good luck :) T.