Childhood Anxiety

A., it sounds as if you have a very intelligent child. They notice everything and respond to everything a little more than others. Lots of hugs and encouraging words from you will help her so much. Nine years old is an emotional time anyway for alot of children. Also, if she likes to read or perhaps if she doesn't you could read some to her...the book called " The Power of Positive Thinking" It's a great book by Norman Vincent Peale. My mother bought it for me when I was growing up and it was a great comfort.

Hello- Just to let you know- you are not alone!! My nine year old daughter is the same way about alot of things, especially school!! Testing really gets her anxious even though she is an A student! We moved to Lubbock last year from Amarillo and she had the worst time with it. She likes routine as most kids do, but she really worries if anything messes up her routine. I try to help her cope as best I can and don't make a huge deal out of it!! With my daughter, I think it is just her personality- I talk to her, reassure her, and tell her to do her best and that I love her. Unless there is something major going on with your daughter she may just need some encouragement. I would definitly talk to her and see what you come up with!! Good luck to you- Hang in there- L.

Please don't take her anxieties lightly. She is nine. My son only sometimes expressed concern about going to school - he didn't want to add to our burden and issues dealing with another child with some health problems. What he didn't tell us was that he was being bullied terribly. If your daughter is anxious, make sure things are ok in class, with friends etc. Then, talk with your doctor, and find a good counselor for her...if this is just something she can work on with you and a counselor, good. If this is something biochemical, you need to know NOW and develop good networks, coping mechanisms, and know what can help her. When she starts going through puberty, which at 9 is anytime now!, the hormones are going to make her anxieties rage like wildfires. If she has any chemical imbalances that affect her moods, they can be treated. This could be anything from just pure angst that is managable, all the way up to major issues that need professional medical treatment. The point is, you need to know, and know now, to ensure your daughter's childhood and teenage years are nagivated successfully! She sounds like a loving little girl, and needs to know just how loved she is and that whatever is causing the anxieties, she is loved and is o.k. and that she can manage them. Good luck.

I think the most common thread amongs all the postings is this: do not trivialize her concerns, do not overinflate their importance (great, just how do you balance your worry about your daughter?!) and get help - it may be nothing and all resolved with a few self relaxation lessons, or it may be longer help, whatever it is, she needs to know she is ok, and that she is resilient.

Sounds like your daughter is having self esteem and/or confidence issues. She needs a lot of reassurance. Tell her she is too young to worry about so much and that is your job. She may need counseling of some kind to prevent her worrying herself into a disorder of some kind. her worrying comes from somewhere, you may want to get her into counseling anyway to find out what it stems from so you can get the tools to help her and yourself.

Some worrying is normal. My daughter is almost 7 and does the exact same things. Although, mine isn't worrying herself into stomach aches. Worry is anxiety and we have anxiety when we feel a loss of power or control. If you console her when it rains, I hate to say it, but you are rewarding her clinging, scared behavior. I've started playing the "what if" game with my daughter to dig deep into her thinking and see what the true angst is. What if it does rain, then what? What if there is water in the street, then what? What if it does start to flood, then what? What if water does come into our house, we put things up high and clean later, then what? If you try to work through her worst case scenarios and show her that you have answers and can control what she's too young to control, you'll see some relief. My daughter doesn't freak out about the rain anymore. If after your attempts to work through her worry and anxiety don't work, you may be dealing with something a psychologist must handle. Her fears seem rational. It's when she starts worrying about irrational things (ie: Snakes sneaking into her bedroom through the window to get her) that you know you really have a problem.

kids can really pick up on emotions/attitude of their parents. maybe she sees you worrying/showing anxiety over things? kids also learn by example. there is always the possibility that it is a deeper psychological issue, but i would first look at your habits, and your husbands habits. what do you do when you are stressed? does your daughter hear you worrying aloud about your problems?
i have phobias about different things and i try my hardest not to let my daughters pick up on that. even though they are young, they can still understand emotions and i would hate for them to have irrational fears as i do =)

Hi A.. I definitely understand. I have an 8 year old daughter that does the same! She was actually diagnosed with an ulcer 2 years ago!! The doctors have told me already she has 'IBS' and acid reflux. I try to keep her in a routine as much as possible with very little surprises, because even little surprises sends her into the what ifs, what to wear, how to act etc.... But for the most, we go ahead and play out the 'what ifs', when she says 'what if they laugh' I ask her 'ok, they laugh, how would you handle it?" etc. Sometimes I end up making her laugh about it and see it's not the end of the world if 3rd graders don't like how her hair looks, because after all, I think she looks mature and beautiful. Etc. Just an idea. God bless and good luck. D.

I had a similar problem with my almost 9 year old son. He is extremely intelligent but also very high strung. On vacation with him this summer, I saw some frightening examples of how worked up he can get himself. When we got back, I called a psychiatrist. There is a history of depression in our family, so I figured better safe than sorry. He has been in therapy before for behavior problems at school (talking too much, fidgeting, thinking he knows more than the teacher, etc.), but I felt like he might need something more this time. I don't know if you are open to medication or not, but sometimes these things are just chemical. Things in the brain just aren't firing right. Anyway, we went to the psychiatrist, and the end result was 2 mls of Zoloft daily (in liquid form, mixed with juice because most kids with anxiety are anxious about taking meds!). He has only been on it for about a month, but he does seem calmer. We will see what the long run tells us, but I would suggest that you at least consider getting her evaluated. If you do decide to go that route, look for a psychiatrist in private practice who specializes in children (check your insurance list!). I was at my wits end and worried sick. The traditional therapy wasn't helping with the anxiety, so we went this route. Hope this helps.

I can definitely relate to this situation. And I agree with those who have said it's a personality thing. I have always been a worrier/analyzer/deep thinker, and I believe it has passed down to my son. (I have two children, and my daughter's personality is more laid-back like my husband's.) I have spent a great deal of time researching how to help my son when he is going through stressful times. Once, when we were in the process of moving, he developed a stress-related frequent urination problem. (At first, it appeared to be just a "worry" issue, where he was too concerned he wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time, even though he'd never had accidents.) I've discovered that like me, he needs as much information and reassurance as I can give him, until he finally lets the issue go. When he's stressed, we think about and discover the things that are causing the anxiety/worry. Then we tear them down. We reassure him that we're doing everything we can to keep him healthy (we get good sleep, exercise, eat right - and these all help to fight the stress). Then we do what we need to, to eliminate some of the stress. A lot of the time, he just needs some one-on-one time with his dad. That helps enormously. Or one-on-one time with me. Or we'll go to the beach, and just spend a day without schedules, plans, homework, etc. Kids are just like adults. They need down-time. And with our schools being what they are (My 2nd grade son has at least an hour of homework a night! How crazy is that??!) - we have a lot to balance. I think there are a lot of things you can try before resorting to seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. Family support is worth a whole lot more than a few sessions with a shrink. And you're already proving to be a wonderful parent, as you're showing your concern for your daughter. Good luck and God bless!

M. B

PS. I didn't specifically address your daughter's situation, but if she's a "thinker" like my son, it would probably help to explain what rain is, what lightening is, that she's very safe inside and why, etc. And one thing I read about kids that worry incessantly (enough to drive us parents crazy), is that it is absolutely essential not to allow your frustration to come off as anger or disapproval. (Something I had to really work on.) Patience is key, and repeated reassurance is necessary. It does work, and the rewards are a closer relationship with you, and stronger trust.

Is there anything going on that might be upsetting her, like drama between you and your hubby, or a move----anything she'd see but not understand or be able to do anything about? I was a very high-strung kid and had a lot of the same problems. Please, for her sake, see if there's something else going on and if there is consider counseling. If there is something going on she can't handle then her behavior (worrying about the clothes, etc.) is just her way of trying to deal with it. If there's not a "big-ticket" kind of drama she's reacting to then maybe the school counselor could help her out with some relaxation techniques for testing week, theme parks, etc.

Good luck!
--K

Personally I would try to find a child psychologist for her to talk to. I don't know where you live but if you live in the Humble/Kingwood area I can make some recommendations.
Best of luck,
C.

I want to thank everyone who responded to this question because I also have a nine-year-old who seems to worry about all the wrong things. Her father died when she was four and none of her grandparents are close by, so she constantly worries about what happens to her if I die, what happens when we go on vacation, what happens if she gets a bad grade, etc. I haven't gotten formal counseling for her (yet! always an option), but I think I'm on the right track, and I agree with the response of walking all the way through the concern, to the worst-case scenario, just so she'll know that no matter what happens, she will not be alone and unloved.

Wow, I am glad I'm not alone either. My mother always called me her disaster child. I had an obsession with "what if's". My son is 8 and is asking those sorts of questions too. What if you die, where will I go. What if the car falls off the bridge. What if I lose you in the store, how do I find you, etc.
I talk to him about those worst case situations so he has an idea of what to do. First, I know that some of this is normal. It becomes a problem when it inhibits you from living life normally. Second, I agree with the others who say that you should probably seek help either from her pediatrician or counselling of some sort.
I wonder if you took her aside one evening and let her ask you all the questions she could think of so you two could work out a plan or ease a worry with an explanation about how things work would help.
I do that with my son. I lay with him in his bed and let him ask away and we talk about it and he doesn't ask about it anymore because he knows what to expect.
Oh, one more thing, my son has A.D.D. and has been on medication for it for the last 2 months. The questions are becoming fewer and fewer.
You may even consider getting her a diary so she can have a place to put her thoughts so she doesn't have to dwell on them.
Ok, sorry for the brainstorming. I wish you well and loads of luck.

It is amazing how aware children are at a younger age than we probably were. I have had sort of a similar situation with my daughter. Children are keen to the feelings and emotions that their parents are having or displaying. What can you do for her? Just explain to her that not everything needs her concern and her worrying about everything does absolutely nothing but upset her tummy. and that you want her to be happy and start thinking happy thoughts. Start replacing the worry with positive words or positive outcomes for different scenarios. Also tell her the truth about things. Tell her she can slip and fall with the rain whether or not she is holding on to you or not, infact if you slip you will fall on top of her and that would hurt ,ouch! When you see her accomplish something that is a mile stone, make it a point to bring it to her attention. Like if she was afraid of that big slide and she goes down it, tell her "You did it, SEE that was not so bad, that was even fun, right?!!" Tell her she is brave and can do whatever she needs to do. for the longest time my daughter would not get on some child rides at carnivals that lifted slightly off the ground. so I told her, "Look at those kids there, they seem to be having fun, there is no danger here, the ride is safe and won't fall apart.Do you want to try it?" when she got on I told her, "this is going to be fun fun fun! Just hold on and talk to this little girl next to you, I wonder what school she goes to?" After the ride I reiterated how fun that was and how nothing bad came of it. She was happy as well. You can do it A., let her know that she can do it as well. If you make everything a big deal they will as well, if you make everything fun and a learning experience they will too.

My daughter has alot of Anxiety issues as well. She worries about her clothes, school, etc. She is 6 yrs old. I'm already having problems buying clothes for her, because she wants to "look pretty".

She has several other issues besides anxiety, therefore I started taking her to doctors last year. They have recently diagnosed her as bipolar (not suggesting your daughter is). It's a struggle for me, but I'm coping and trying to get as much help from her doctors (and anyone else that can offer help).

As for your daughter's Anxiety, have you discovered anything that helps? I'm hoping to get help when I start my parent training, but until then is there anything you might be able to suggest? If I learn any new tricks I'll be sure to pass them your way.