I have finally broken off a long relationship with an emotionally abusive ex. Now I am debating whether to take him to court or not. I always told him I would not take him to court because it simply was not necessary…we were together. He gave me a credit card years ago (child is not six) to buy whatever I need for our child. However, the credit card does not cover food, gas, air conditioning in summer, heat in winter, co-pays at doctor etc. I use the credit card for clothing; pull ups, swimsuits for our child. PERIOD. He has on maybe three occasions given me a check for “his appreciation” of taking good care of our child.
We have schedule that would most likely be consistent with what the courts would mandate if we were to go into court. He has our child once a week and two weekends a month. I’m really lenient about when he see’s our child. Basically, our child see’s him more than once a week and usually every weekend he spends time with the child.
Now I am considering taking him to court because I don’t want any emotional contact with him. He is narcissistic and not having a set schedule or rules in place would make things very difficult for us. Seeing how he pays for all of the camp and after schools I think he has done a great job of providing for her. If I take him to court (wish he is deadest against) he would have to pay quite a bit in child support. Has anyone been drivin to go to court when you really don’t want to do it but can’t see it working out any other way for your sanity’s sake?
I have retained an attorney. Thank you to all for taking the time to answer my post.
I have never heard anyone say "I regret going to court and getting my child what they deserve from the non-custodial parent." I have heard TONS of people say "I completely regret not going to court/not going to court sooner to get my child what they deserve from the non-custodial parent." The only time people don't want to go to court is when they don't want to pay their fair share.
Good luck.
Please stop playing this emotional game with yourself. Many other women have been in your shoes when it comes to child support and court, to go or not to go. It is seemingly easy to not be bothered with courts and the like when the relationship is going smoothly and he is doing what he agreed to do but when the relationship goes south and he begins to use this as some kind of twisted emotional leverage over you and your child it's then when most women decide and determine it is time to get the courts involved. You would be so incredibly surprised how much your child could be entitiled to from each of the parents involved.
The court helps you get it in writing and enforces what is in writing. I'm also of the mind you should get an attorney for this too. Why? Because courts involve people and people are flawed, judgmental, and biased. Having a good attorney on your side will be helpful and instrumental. It is worth what ever price they charge for the peace of mind that could come with having great legal representation.
I didn't want to go through the court with my son's father but was left with no other recourse. I like many others wished I had done it sooner. No he wasn't happy about it and still isn't but his intention was to not take on the financial or any other responsibility for what we created. Beyond having an agreement for financial support the court will also be helpful in determining visitation and custody. In NJ the courts will require each of these aspects of child raising be addressed through the court. I say to you be prepared especially since you are dealing with an abusive ex who hasn't changed his stripes. It is time for you to change and get a team of professionals on your side to protect and serve you and your child.
You need to go to court to protect yourself and possibly to protect your child in the future. If he doesn't like it, tough. It actually also protects him.
If you go to court, you will always have in writing the child support, the schedule, everyone's rights. This doesn't mean that you can't allow him to see your child outside of the scheduled times. It's simply in writing to protect all of you.
Go to court. It's really in the best interest of all of you.
There are so many other reasons to go to court. You really have to protect yourself, your child, and your ex by having a schedule and payment agreement that is memorialized in court filings. If either of you decides to be more generous with the parenting schedule or money from time to time that's fine but when things go sour, you both need to be able to fall back on more than your verbal agreement.
With a child support agreement in place, he would basically be paying you directly (through wage garnishment) for the expenses like camps and after-school care that he is covering now. You would use the money to pay for those big childcare expenses but it's also there to reflect that having a child live with you increases your cost of living (one more bedroom, higher utility costs, school expenses, groceries, clothing, etc.) and offset those costs that he doesn't have to absorb.
You don't even need an attorney for this...if you apply through the DOR's child support enforcement division, they handle notifying him, provide paperwork to both of you, schedule the court date, and send an attorney. During this process they will also formally establish custody and can enter a visitation record (either a default recommendation or something that you two agree on in advance ) into the order. Know that the attorney represents the DOR's interests and not yours per se, but as the custodial parent, their interests and yours align. Once the order is granted, they will start wage garnishment and you will receive a debit card that they load up with his payments whenever they get processed (which is based on his pay schedule). This way, the payments get made without either one of you having to do anything or see each other.
You do realize that with nothing holding him legally responsible he could just up and go away and stop giving you anything, right? Of course he doesn't want to go to court he knows that he's walking all over you and you're taking it.
Sorry but this seems like a no brainer to me, lawyer up already, if not for yourself then at least for your child.
Or suggest mediation, that isn't as expensive.
I did that for 4 years. Then my ex got a girlfriend and he started giving me less and less. She convinced him he was giving me too much. He actually took me to court to get everything set in stone. He ended up having to pay me way more and was mandated to pay towards daycare and pay all her healthcare, things he didn't do before court.
There will come a time that he will change his mind and then your screwed. It will be a great piece of mind that it's all set in stone by a third party and you won't have to deal with each other. I say get it done now.
Yeah, it all looks so nice and friendly doing thing informally right up until he decides to not do this anymore, he's found someone else, started a new family, what ever.
He could literally walk away and never give you another rusty nickle for your child.
Court makes it all written out and official and his salary could be garnished to pay child support up till your child finishes college.
Take him to court.
You really need to.
