Child Custody Question

Yes, he will get visitation, it takes a lot for a father to not get it. Now, I guess, is the time (once divorced) that dad will have to discover more about his children.

Honestly many men won't change their DD's diapers, or wipe their butt's. It's a lot more common then you would think. As for everything else, well you've always done it. He hasn't 'had' to step up.

He will get 50/50 if he asks for it.

My ex was an abusive jerk, the kids even testified against him, and all he did was tell the GAL he wants to change and he got 50/50.

Nothing you have listed would matter at all in custody.

Not only that time, but 50/50 if he asks for it.

Yes, he will get time with them, and he should get time with them. I would look at it as an opportunity for you to get every second weekend off for yourself, and for him to learn what it is to be a parent. I would embrace it unless you really think he is abusive or that the kids will be in danger. Many men leave the childcare to the mothers. It is not because the men are incapable of it, just that they have never HAD to do it. He doesn't sound bad, just old fashioned, and it is important to the children to have a father involved in their lives.

I went thru a divorce with a man much like your husband. We have 3 daughters, married for 25 years. He never did anything! He is an alcoholic and gambler. He probably would make your husband look like a prince. My point is I was shocked when my attorney told me that there is no way a judge would give me full custody. The man would have to be a monster! Most judges in family court want the father involved and it evidently doesn't matter what kind of a father he is. I was in tears because I didn't want my kids killed when their drunk dad drove them around but that didn't cut any ice with the judge. Maybe New York is different than L.A. but try and prepare yourself for the worse and then that way if the judge agrees with you, no worries! Good luck! Divorce is rough on everyone! But in the long run, for me, we were much better off! Hoping things go well for you and your kids . . . thoughts -

Yes, even not terribly involved dads can get partial custody and overnight visits. A judge is not likely to give him overnights with his son but not his daughter because dads DO change and bathe daughters. It really depends upon what your husband asks for, but he may need to step up and be more of a caregiver. It's very rare that dads don't get overnight visits. You really need to speak with an attorney to get a good idea of how your own situation may play out. If he can live with them fulltime as a heavy smoker, a judge isn't going to deny overnight visits due to smoking. Good luck

I was in a marriage similar to yours. Addiction and chronic depression. I was exhausted all the time, carrying the full financial, parenting, housework, and relationship weight on my shoulders. You will know when you are done, it's not up to any of us to tell you that you should try harder and longer. When my now-ex slouched in the chair and spoke like a recalcitrant 15 year-old in our last counseling session, I was just done. We'd been together for 20+ years.

Each state has different precedent, and each judge has discretion, but it is likely that he will get regular visitation with his children, up to 50% if he asks for it, and if it's logistically possible. I can't tell you what will happen in the courtroom or in his home after your divorce. What happened with my ex is that he finally stepped up to the plate when he had to. He has our daughter (now 11) close to half of the time, cooks and cleans (not great, but they manage) and is an involved father.

I felt like a HUGE weight dropped off my shoulders and from a distance, I have learned how to let his anger, moods (he's since been diagnosed Bipolar), and habits roll off (most of the time). His problems are not mine to fix now.

It is hard to take the divorce step when you can't be absolutely sure of the outcome, but I reached a point where I couldn't show my daughter that this was the way a marriage worked. I just couldn't. Get a lawyer you feel listens to you and takes the time to explain your options, and know that the family court process is not logical it's legal (there's a difference).

Good luck to you and your family.

If there is a way to get a mediator to work out custody that works best for all of you, that would be best. From your post, he doesn't sound evil, just clueless. And you can learn, so that's not a reason to not have visitation. He SHOULD because he loves the kids. If he is taking medication to sleep at night, that may be a reason to just have daytime visitation, but it depends on the medication. Also, it would depend on the ages. The 8 year old is old enough to maybe "coach" daddy a bit with the 3 year old. Perhaps the older child can do sleepovers and the younger does daytimes. Do your best to work together, and to brainstorm - maybe even use that word - for a visitation that works for everyone. If parents can be civil about visitation and put the kids needs on equal footing with their own, the kids will appreciate it down the road. As a child of divorce who was lucky enough to have reasonably sane and civil parents, I'm very glad of it.

ADD: I know the smoking thing sucks. I don't smoke myself, but BOTH my parents smoked up a storm when I was growing up. Oddly enough, my DAD quit and my MOM smoked at home - so it was 5 days with her (chimney), 2 with him (smoke free). We don't have lung problems at all. Don't make a huge issue out of this, as you don't want to fight over stuff. Be understanding that he smokes, and just ask if he can do his best to not smoke close to the kids when they visit.

Most moms still do the majority of hands on parenting, even moms in healthy relationships with supportive, helpful partners. Yes, that is changing somewhat and there are exceptions, but that's still the norm, especially with younger children. Judges tend to want kids to spend time, including some overnights, with both parents, so I imagine you're going to have to work hard to prove him abusive or unfit in some way. Smoking is nasty but it's nothing a parent is going to lose his rights over.
Meet with a lawyer NOW so you know exactly what to expect. As much as you'd like to walk away and keep the kids mostly to yourself that's just not likely to happen.
If he's as unhappy in the marriage as you are it may be affecting his parenting. Maybe when you split up he will be happier too, and that will make him a better, more involved dad. He will be able to spend time with his children, but without you.

Without your SWH, I would have said to PUSH for him to see his kids so that at the very least, he learns what WORK kids really are. Then you may find that he stops taking them after all. If you act like you want this, then he realizes that it doesn't hurt you at all, and you expect him to see his kids.

However, the SWH is kind of scary. Perhaps you can petition the court to look at his medical records so that you can establish his issues, and then the judge would decide how much he can see the kids and if he can even have overnight stays with them. Perhaps he would have to have supervised visits with a court appointed supervisor.

Your lawyer can tell you more about this.

Good luck with all of this. It will be a tough road, but stay strong, focused and POSITIVE!

Dawn

You should prepare yourself for the prospect that you will be awarded 50/50 custody with the kids spending about equal time (including overnights) with each parent. That is the default in many custody cases nowadays and in most cases this IS beneficial for the kids, even though it may be hard for the parents. Full custody with visitation is only given if one parent requests it and the other either agrees or there is a good reason why 50/50 does not work.

Now there are two routes that you DH may take: he may decide to live up to his responsibility for his kids and when they are with them he will do whatever it takes, including diaper changes and making adjustments to his schedule (or pay for care). He may do things different than you would, you may not approve of his way of doing things - but unless there are serious child endangerment issues you will just have to learn to live with that.

The other way this may work out is that he decided he does not want to make use of all the time is is allotted with the kids. Maybe he does not want to deal with poopy diapers or kids waking at night and he will happily bring them back after a few hours of being "Disney Dad". I wouldn't count on it - but it happens fairly frequently, even if parents share custody that one of them doesn't make full use of their share. If you want this kind of arrangement put down in your custody plan (legally) your husband will have to agree to it.

Good luck!

Your husband is not at all causing harm or putting your child in danger. He's just disconnected and doesn't sound mature.

He will get visitation. My EH started with every weekend, but that wore off quick. He really didn't want it. He has asked the judge for every other weekend and I didn't argue against it.

Over time you will see whether he is a committed father.

You have to hire an attorney who is going to pursue what you are seeking, full custody, with reasonable visitation. If that's what you want, then demand they fight for it. However, the attorney must be confident and have strategy and can prove your husband would not be available due to his schedule, you can talk about your concerns where the daughter is concerned, but that will be countered with he can learn to get comfortable.

Custody is tricky. Sometimes having the sole custody and the responsibility at the outset like I did makes a difference because judges tend also to lean towards maintaining status quo. Every state, every judge rules differently.

Just because he asks for 50/50 does not mean he will get it. You have to be presented as the most responsible, reliable parent and that's not difficult to do if you have a skilled attorney in the area of custody/visitation.

Don't worry. Also, I would really be leery of male attorneys because of the father's rights issue. Not that you would undermine and not want to be reasonable, but male attorneys are afterall men, too. Interview and ask their philosophy on fathers rights and what's in the best interest of a child's stability, routines, etc.

As my child gets older, I would not bark at my EH spending more time with her. I'd actually be more comfortable because she can communicate her needs and other matters.

One step at a time.

If you are a stay at home mom and he works he might even get full custody.

I say that because that is what happened to my BFF. Her soon to be ex got full custody and she was ordered to pay spousal support and child support plus half of any child care the ex had to pay for since he worked.

She still, 2 years later is unable to get more than visitation with her kids because she is not financially able to support them without any child support or alimony. This man makes over $100K per year and she did not need to work.

BUT because she didn't have a stable income he got full custody.

So get a job now if you aren't already working. If you are then you are steps ahead of my friend.

Maybe he will be different once he is not living with the kids all the time. Just because he doesn't do a lot with them in his off time does not mean he won't spend a lot of his off time doing all sorts of stuff with them.

I feel bad for your family because they are going to be so disrupted by all this transition. BUT in the long run you'll be a happier mom.

I'd visit with an attorney to find out what the judges have been doing in divorce cases in your area. I see a lot more of the 50/50 custody which I think is so h*** o* the kids and the parents. One needs the ability to make decisions without the other.

The attorney might be wrong too. My BFF's was. He told her she didn't have to worry about anything. She'd get full custody, child support, and spousal support.
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ETA

I have a friend who is a religious fanatic. I say that in the nicest way, she's real sweetheart but won't even take on cleaning a new person's house without praying and waiting to see what God has to say about her cleaning that person's house. In my opinion he has bigger things to focus on.

She did not want her kids around her soon to be ex's parents because they smoke. The judge sided with her.

So now SHE can't take them to the state fair, the county fair, a carnival, the zoo, no where that outdoor smoking is allowed or seen. If she is at the local vo-tech where smoking on the campus is prohibited and someone lights up she can be taken to court for violating her own court order. If he sees her in any of these places HE can take her back to court.

So if you did try to even say he should limit the kids exposure to anything he can come back on you and you could find you drew a line and can't cross it either.

These poor kids can't perform at Oktoberfest because alcohol is served, they can't go to the fair either. They sell beer there.

So be careful what you try and control with him, it can come back on you too.

Have you thought about talking to a social worker or CPS? If he gets visitation, which is likely, and you feel the children are unsafe there, you will just have to start calling CPS. A judge cannot ignore their findings, and having a nasty house with loose prescription pills laying out with small children around is a major CPS no no.

Get a spiral bound notebook, start dating entries and write down anything unsafe you feel he does. Take it to court with you, you can use this as evidence. Can you prove the sleeping pill thing? That would be a big red flag to a judge for no overnight visits. If he wants them, he will have to plan his work schedule around his visits. Make sure you have a written order that he has to offer to let you have the kids before he can take them to another babysitter. This will prevent him from taking them for the weekend and then dropping them with a family member or whatever. Good luck and document document document.

No matter how difficult he might be, no matter what the judge decides, your children will want to have a relationship with their father. I understand you need to keep them safe. But you will need to accept that unless he does something clearly abusive, he is going to be part of your children's lives in some manner. If you can make your peace with that, I think it might be easier to meet the challenges ahead. Your kids will pick up on any anger and end up resenting you. Not fair, I know, but life seldom is. Good luck!

Have a good lawyer but not a nasty one. Then I believe you can specify what he has to do in order to have them. IE: Can't smoke around them, can't take sleeping pill so could get up when daughter does, must be home with children on his weekend, etc. Those are all questions for your lawyer. BUT He can specify his own demands too. What they might be you may be able to speculate. God Bless but protect your babies 1st and formost but remember he is their dad and they will love him regardles so NEVER air your issues infront of them, NEVER put them against him and NEVER allow them to be with him if you suspect he is not "well" (sober, manic, etc.)