Carry and Constantly Hug and Kiss and Reassure My 4 Year Old????

I have five children. My oldest is eleven and my youngest are 4 year-old twins. They have all gone through clingy stages. My six year-old though has always been more clingy than the others. So part of it may be a stage and part of it may be her personality. When my twins were born, I think my daughter felt displaced. She loved them and wanted to hold them and play with them but she was no longer the center of my world. I have noticed that whenever I babysit for a friend, she suddenly wants to read me a book or hug on me.
I am a SAHM, but I was a teacher before I had my children. I did not plan on ever putting my children in preschool, but I did put my 6 year-old in preschool when she was four. I needed a break and so did she. I noticed that you run a preschool and child care. This could be adding to her wanting your attention. She may not want to play with the other children because she sees them as her competion for your love and attention. She may want to hug and kiss you because she is reassuring herself that you love her the most.

There are a couple of things that have really helped me. First, I talked to her about it. We decided together that when she wants to hug and kiss me that we do it four times (she wanted 10, I wanted 2, we compromised on 4). I go to her level, we squeeze four times and kiss four times and then we're done and she has to go play. I also reassure her that I love her by telling her often.

Putting her in preschool really helped her make new friends and feel more secure when I am not around. We also scheduled more time with Dad. I really feel that it helps a girls security to have time with her dad, so I would send them to the store for something. Sometimes he spends time with her in the evening doing a puzzle or something.

I also found a really great babysitter. She is a high school girl and my children LOVE her(my husband teaches at the HS, but you can get good references from other moms). When she comes she makes my children feel special. She can bring a game that we don't own, or do crafts. My 6 year-old asks when she's coming over to "play".

My daugter is still clingy, but it has become so much better as I have tried these strategies. I would like to say that I came up with them, but these are ideas that were shared with me when I was close to losing it. I hope that these ideas help you. I know it can be so frustrating. Good luck!

Hi there,
Is she able to discuss feelings yet? Every child is different but if she is able to understand that we all have feelings and needs you might be able to to work something out by explaining that you need to show her love in new ways to feel comfortable. Perhaps you could designate an hour or a half hour of 'cuddle time' just for the two of you(something for her to look forward to and cherish) and let her know that at other times you can reassure her in other fun ways. Maybe come up with ideas together. For example, high fives or tens, special hand shake, 'I love you to the moon' she'll say and you'll say 'and back again', You can put kisses in her pocket in the morning and she can play at putting one on her cheek whenever she needs one, you can blow kisses too, or do loving hand squeezes instead of hugs. Just let her know that it gives you a happy heart when she lets you give her love in these other ways because your body needs some space sometimes. These are just some ideas ... hope it helps some.
good luck
K.

I had this problem with my son and it was recommended to me to put him in pre-school,or in a day care setting to let him be around children his own age and help build up his self confidence, and independence. This has worked wonders with my son who has become more independent and less clingy, except at bed time. During the day though he goes to school with no problem and when we return home he plays in his room, or plays with his dogs. He and his father have also become much closer with this time of learning. He used to be the biggest momma's boy, but now he is asking more for daddy, and wanting to do stuff with him. He is now confident in himself so he can let go of needing me to build him up. Sad thing is now I miss it...lol Go figure.

You've received some great advice already! One gal mentioned HSP, which I am also familiar with as my older daughter has many traits that correlate with that. I would recommend checking it out- even if it turns out not to be an exact fit, there may be some information that is helpful. I had to take a dramatic change of parenting attitude after reading the book- many of the tricks I learned as a preschool and elementary school teacher just don't work for her. The hardest shift for me has been to take her feelings ULTRA seriously- that sounds weird, but when I would normally recommend ignoring fits, angry outbursts, frustrated exclamations and the like, I instead practically coddle her. It goes against every fiber in my bones, but it works, gets results, and she actually grows from the experience instead of repeating it a million times. But I digress...

The other thing I agreed with someone else on is that maybe she's feeling threatened by having other children around whose needs you are also meeting. Maybe the two of you should have mini-dates before and after children arrive. And since her love language seems to be touch, make sure it includes lots of snuggle time. You could also have a special word, handshake, or gesture that is just for the two of you. Throughout the day you can use it to remind her that even though you're taking care of other children, SHE'S your special girl.

It seems reasonable to set some boundaries during school time, as well. Make a chart of when it's a great time to have hugs from mommy and when it's not a good time. Involve her with making this chart, soliciting her ideas.

What if you each had lockets with one another's pictures inside? You could look at each other and hug the locket without being a distraction to the other students.

I wish you luck! I teach Sunday School, and my four year old finally does okay now (last year was a different story). But I have to be very aware of making sure she doesn't feel invisible.

J.

your daughter sounds a lot like me when i was little. i was always very close to my mom and being her first(and long-awaited) daughter after two sons, she thought this was just how little girls acted. i was sensitive, quiet and shy around most people(not my family!), and LOVED animals(still do), although i did play with dolls. this was until my younger sister was born. i was 3 and all of a sudden "forgot" how to feed and dress myself and all sorts of dependencies arose. i have recently discovered(actually my mom was reading about it and said "AHA!") a fairly common, but not widely known trait that many people have and actually have no idea about. i sure never thought about it. it's known as the HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person. there is a wonderful author, Elaine Aron, who has written extensively about it and it has helped me see things so clearly, much better than any dr. or psychologist, who basically will tell you or your daughter to get over it. she has a great website and there is a link about the Highly Sensitive Child with a small questionnaire, as well as a book(i'm pregnant with my first and i have it ready to go just in case!). here is the link: www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm and the website is www.hsperson.com just the awareness of this trait has been a godsend to me and my relationships with my family and especially my husband.

Hi S.,

My first thought is it is probably a stage. I can also say this, when my daughter gets clingy and it begins to irritate me, i stop and take time for myself. Be that, have my husband watch her, or a sitter. If not, then I can get so frustrated by not getting things done that I lose my patience totally. I don't want that to happen. Maybe this would be a good something to try, until your child grows out of the clinginess. Try scheduling some time for you. :) I did find a link on child development which I will include that discusses challenging authority. IT is possible that your child is doing this for attention as well. I found the article interesting. Blessings to you and your family.

http://www.ivillage.co.uk/parenting/devtracker/four/artic...

You can also google clingy 4 year old and read more articles.

Katherine

You run a preschool/childcare... she is having to share you with quite a few other kids!

She is probably becoming more acutely aware of this and acting out.

Make sure you have some time with her alone... do some special things together. Maybe if the younger takes a nap still and she doesn't .. or a shorter nap, you could use that time to read to her, make cookies or do a special craft project.

This might help reassure her that she is special to you.

I have a 6 year old that is still a bit like this to me..(and I have to ask her calmly.. please ask me before you give me a hug and she understands.

Of course.. her love language just may be more physical.. and maybe you can find a happy medium what works for the two of you. If yours is gifts, maybe give her some crayons and paper and ask her to draw a picture for you.. or have her tell you a story (that she makes up).