Birthday Party for Divorced Children....

If he insists on a party, then I would do something totally different and just as fun. Not to be competetive because noone wins in the end but so that they have good memories from both of you. Also you are right that classmates would be confused to get an invitation from both for two different parties. That would be weird and not fair to classmates either. If he is agreeable, how about one year he does the party and one year you do. The one tht doesnt do the party that year, does something else. That important thing is how the kids feel and not to make them uncomfortable in front of their classmate, or friends because of the situation with you and their dad.

Put aside your differences. Not just for this one day, but for every day when your kids are involved. They are only 5 now, but you're facing a lifetime of scoccer games, ballet recitals, etc. You were friends and lovers once. You don't have to love each other, but you have to have respect for what you had, and for the children you are raising TOGETHER! You may live in different homes, but you are raising them together! And although you aren't married anymore, you are "stuck" with him. You have to get over the past, and try to have a positive future with your children, which includes your ex. Besides, kids really don't "need" two parties, do they?

Good luck!!!

I think you have to put bad feelings aside and try to do one party with your ex or you invite kids from your neighborhood and your family and he can do the same.

I can only ditto what the others have said about trying to put aside your differences. This will only become harder as the kids get older if you don't do it now. you and their father are going to be connected pretty much for the rest of your lives because you have children together.

And as a parent I sure as heck wouldn't be taking my kids to two birthday parties for the same kid. I don't have that kind of time OR money.

The only other option I can think of is to ditto again what the first poster said and switch off each year. Although that could be crappy too since whoever gets the sweet 16 also gets the 18th. Both pretty momentous occasions that I'm sure neither of you want to miss.

For your kids sakes please try to put aside the differences. And it'll be good for you too to put them aside.

I think that you should put your differences aside for one day and throw the kid a party. Its silly for classmates and friends to get invitations to two parties. Remember that this takes up parent and weekend family time for them too.
Talk it over and see if you can't do 50/50 on cost and be civil for the day for your childs sake. I think it would be a good thing to model for your child as well. Even though mommy and daddy dont love each other they love me enough to do this for me kind of thing. And if its at a park you wouldn't really have to "be together" just in the vicinity. Good luck and I know you can work this out. Its one day in your life and a lifetime memory for a little child.

I am divorced from my 8 and 9 year old children's father. When we were married, I was always the one to plan the parties anyway, so that just carried over when we got divorced.

I know it may be hard for you to be around their father but I think for the sake of your children, you two might want to come to a truce when it comes to your kids. Here is what I suggest: Take turns planning their birthday parties. On even years, you can plan. On odd years, he can plan. If you have it at a "neutral" place (meaning not your homes) the other parent can attend. You don't have to talk to each other. You are there for the kids.

I don't particularly like hanging out with my ex, but we both attend parent meetings and shows and games for the kids. I will NOT stay away just because I don't like him. And it is good for the kids to have both their parents available.

Because he is the father of your children and apparently wants to be involved, you will have to deal with him until your kids are adults and beyond. It's better to establish respectable communication rules now so your kids will get the benefit of both their mom and dad.

Good luck!

Hi J.. Now that the kids are old enough, perhaps they could go to the movies or some other type of special activity (zoo?) with extra-special friends with Dad and an "official" party at home with you? You're right that two parties is confusing (and some people might consider it tacky), plus it draws attention to the fact of your divorce.
Good luck with your decision.
K. in EC

Too bad you and your x-husband can't handle being around each other for 1 important day for your children. I don't know the situation, but unless he was/is abusive or something like that, you both need to suck it up and do what is best for your kids. It is, after all, 1 day, their day. Good luck.

let him throw the big party... U save your money. U can have a slumber party for them instead and have each invite one friend over, or u can take them out to dinner, or take them to an amusement park, or even have a mini party with just your imidiate family over to celebrate. Just do something small and special for them no need for two big parties.

I would say there are a couple ways of doing the party.

First, with triplets you could split it up into three parties, one for each kid with just a few of their closest friends close to the kid's birthday (like in the order they were born) trading off who throws what party (it would also be a nice option as they grow so they get individual attention and it would be less confusing for their friends) but on the actually birthday split the day in half- and have it just you and the kids in the morning, and him with the kids at night.

So option two- each of you throw a totally different kind of party, he can do school friends, you can do sports friends or one can be family and the other just friends (like with my ex his family is all in another state while mine is mostly local) again leaving the actual birthday day to split. Like one of the other moms suggested, different themes, like one can be a pool party or rent a bouncy area party and the other can have a campout/sleepover party.

I know it can be hard to handle this- for DD 2nd birthday I had a big party planned when my ex moved out and threw a hissy fit about having the day with her (when he'd been living 2,000 miles away and only seen her like 4 times in the past year) so I told him he was welcome to come but I wasn't changing the party. He refused so our compromise was he got to have her in the morning while I was putting the party together and wouldn't have been able to give her all my attention anyway.

Since then he has mellowed and we now are amicable about splitting holidays and parties and whatnot- we actually now attend parties together that she's invited to, so I would try to suggest it and work it out because in the long run you'll both be losers if you don't get to be with your kids for all their holidays and birthdays.

*hugs* It will get better and happy birthday to your kids!

Alternate years. One year he throws the big party with friends and you do a family-only party or take your kids somewhere really fun. The next year he does a family-only party and you do the big invite-the-friends party. It may feel like you are missing out when you don't do the friend party because you are used to it. Trust me, you will probably love the off year more and so will your kids. Parties are so expensive. Take all the money you are saving by not doing the big party and take them to a theme park or something. Your kids will have way more fun and will love the special mommy time they get more than their party.

Eventually you guys wont be so upset with each other. Even if you still find his presence annoying try to be the bigger man. When it's your friend-party year give him an invitation, too. He may or may not come but at least he has the opportunity to be included and may even start inviting you to the future parties he throws. It will be good for the kids as well to see that his parents can both tolerate being in the same place for a few hours to celebrate their day.

Dear J.,
Holy Moses! Triplets!
Oh my goodness.
I am a divorced mother too and birthday parties can be such a pain in the rump. My ex and I tried having parties together, but he either took all the presents to house, including all the money that MY relatives gave our son, or, he was all over me begging him to take him back. Neither was a good scenario.
What you're going to have to do is trade off. I know it sucks, believe me. I left my abusive husband before my kid was even 2 years old and he just turned 13 in June. It can be done, but you have to get creative. If it was my ex's year to do the formal b-day party thing, I made arrangements to have a classroom party. I brought balloons and cupcakes and snacks. No presents required. That way, my son got to feel special in class and have ALL his friends and teachers there for a special day. Then, whatever his dad had planned was completely separate. I did the same for Halloween which we trade every year. If I didn't get to go trick or treat with my son, I went to the school and watched their parade and brought snacks for the class party.
May I say that his father has never done any of that. He has his holiday and birthday time and I found a way to have some as well, even on the years I couldn't have my son on the "actual day". I found a way for all of his friends to be included one way or the other. My ex doesn't even live in our town. So, like I said....just get creative.
I'm sure the teachers know that you are not with the father and they are usually pretty good about celebratory stuff. As long as you schedule it ahead and it won't interfere with class time, say towards the end of the day on a Friday. I only had one teacher who was completely opposed to anything sugar so I cut american cheese slices into shapes using a cookie cutter and had crackers, celery, apples, oranges, baby carrots, watermelon. I found packs of erasers or pencils at the dollar store and let my son give them to everyone.
Then, after that....whatever dad did was up to Dad.
Not all kids can attend the most well intentioned birthday party. But, you can still find a way to celebrate with your kids' friends. It takes juggling. But you can do it!

Best of luck.

If you both are wanting to throw the BIG party, maybe consider alternating years. One throws the big party including class mates, the other throws the small family only party. My ex's family is HUGE, so I let him throw the big one. Then my husband and I have a special party thats more memorable, with our immedaite families.

I have to say that the title of your question made me chuckle... I was like.. what has this world come to!?!? Children are getting divorced? Why did they get married to begin with!
Ok ... all jokes aside. This is a hard one. Unless you are willing to set aside your differences you may have to throw two parties. Either that or one of you throws the party this year and the other does a family type dinner and then next year you switch.

If you can't throw a party together, then the only suggestion I have is to switch off years. One year you give the party and he takes the girls for a special outing for their birthday. Next year, vice-vera. Or, if you both really want to give a party, then one year the school friends are invited to your party, and the next year they are invited to his party. the one who doesn't have the school friends can still have neighborhood children and relatives of that particular side of the family. I personally don't believe they should be in the habit of having two parties.

Hi J.,

I never had a problem throwing a party together with my ex, but he never wanted to to. For whatever reason, he refused to tell me. BUT, I always invited him...and his girlfriend. But anyhow, that doesn't answer your question...I always invited the kids from school to my party. He usully threw a party, but just his family and friends were invited...I am more involved in the school life of our daughter. I know the parents better, the kids come to my house for play dates, I'm the room parent...etc etc. It was never an issue because he had plenty of friends with kids and plenty of family to make a party for her.

Now, with my step daughter...(that lives with me)....again I am more involved in the school than her Bio-Mother, I am the room parent, kids come to my house for play dates, etc etc. Again, we invited the kids from school to our party..but last year, all of a sudden, bio mom got competative and wanted to throw the same kind of party we were and invite some kids from school...not that she didn't have a right to throw a party for our daughter, but that's another story...lol...so to benefit my baby, I told her Mom that was fine, but we had our daughter make two lists of people, one for our party and one for her mothers. We mailed the invites, so people didn't get confused or feelings hurt..etc etc. Worked out fine, she had a great time and both parties!

Good luck, and with time it usually gets easier dealing with this stuff and an ex...

D.... :)

As the child of divorced parents who really did not get along *at all* when they were married, I have always appreciated the fact that they would show up at family events (graduations, birthdays, weddings, etc) with no drama and allow the center of attention to be where it should be -- on the child, not on the parent. You'll have to convince your ex that it is no longer about you and your ex, it is about your children. You two must get past this, as others have said. There will only be more occasions in their lives that will require you guys to be there together and it is so stressful and unfair to put the onus on the children -- because that's what happens as the kids become older and more aware (I have cousins who have had to deal with this, so I know). Throwing two parties is kind of competitive ... and -- no offense intended -- maybe bit self-involved on the part of the parent...? Worst case: take turns from year to year. But remember, you will need to figure this out before their 8-grade graduations, before their prom nights, before a lot of milestones where your children will want both of you to be there and to be celebrating them and their accomplishments. Good luck.

Maybe you can have the party on the same day at the same venue and just split the day, one parent can have the party for the first two hours or whatever time and then the same for the other parent, that way each of you can still haave the party you want, with your own guest. I a had a friend with a similar problem and this worked for them.

Yes, you can throw a party together. Start with unclaimed territory like a park, not your houses, and learn to get along now. Your children will thank you.

Any mother of triplets has my deepest respect for making it out of the infant stage fully intact.

Maybe you could invite different kids to the different parties: with triplets, there are bound to be a lot of friends! Or maybe you could do half the party: games and snacks, and their dad can do cake and presents (though frankly, that sounds like a lot more work and stress for everyone).

As an aside, my parents divorced as soon as my youngest sister got married. When my sis graduated from college 5 years later, she was really stressed about inviting both of them to the ceremony: but she did. It ws stressful for all of us "kids" (there are three) to be stuck like that. Then when I was pregnant, my sister threw a shower and invited my dad and his girlfriend, and my mom keyed their car: something we never thought my mom of all people would do. Now, nearly 6 years since the shower, my sister invited both parents and my dad's new wife to her housewarming. As far as I know, no one keyed any cars, and they even talked a little. And again it was stressful for all us "kids". We always invite both grandparents to our kids' birthdays: my dad never comes. My point in this aside is to remind you that even as the mother of adult children you will have to deal with your ex. I hope that you will give it some thought, and maybe talk with your ex about it at some point, so that your kids aren't unduly stressed for every happy event in their lives: birthdays, graduations, weddings, housewarmings. I know that you are only half the equation, and I have no idea what kind of man your ex is, but I wanted to put it out there for thought. Good luck with the party: WOW- Triplets! (I am sure you NEVER hear that! ha ha ha)

What we do is take turns every other year throwing the "school/friend" party (i.s. we do the 5-year party, she then throws the 6-year party). Then we still do a family party. It is confusing for the other school children if you both try to do parties and then puts the burden on the kids of having to buy two presents (one for your party and one for your ex's party). So far, this has worked out well.

Hi J. -

We had this same issue and what we decided is to rotate years planning the parties. It works out, but of course it is a bummer when it is your "off year." So one year my step-daugher's mom will plan the party and my husband (dad) and I (step-mom) will have her on her real birthday and have a family birthday party. Then the other year we plan the "friend" party and her mom will have her on her real birthday for the "family" party. It is the best solution (for us) to a sticky situation. Let me know if you have any questions.

Nowhere in your question do you mention how overwhelming it is for your own children to have two huge celebrations for their birthdays. This shouldn't be about competing for best parent title. With triplets, the size of the classmate celebrations can get pretty out of hand. What if the classmate celebration were simply a cupcake and juicebox in school, maybe an organized game at recess. Then there's a small celebration with family and family friends. These two could be alternated between you from year to year if you and your ex- must throw separate parties.

I want to echo those that suggest that you find a way to work together with your ex. I've seened some pretty scarred kids from prolonged custody battles and divorced parents who can't get along. You might consider a few sessions of family therapy to make this happen. I know it doesn't seem possible now. Just do it for the kids.

If you both intend on inviting their friends from school, then you should take turns. He can have his party this year and you have it next year. You can still have a family party for him if you like. Remember your child always has priority over any ill feelings that the two of you may for each other. It's not your children's fault, so it's best not to put them in the middle of anymore feuding.I truly hope the two of you can come to an agreement.

I am very intrested in hearing the responces that you recieve on this question....I myself am a divorced mother of twin girls turning 3 in Nov. and am looking for suggestions on how to split birthdays.....

It's too bad the two of you can't throw one together. No chance of putting your differences aside for a few hours? That would be best for them.

Other than that, I like Gaby's response above.

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2 parties for each birthday seems excessive-- Can you make an agreement to alternate turns to throw the party, and on the off years just go out to eat &/or do some small fun thing, like going to the zoo?

The best bet is to talk to each other and work it out if you don't want to do it together. You should not have to. Your Divorced!!! You don't have to have Christmas together or Thanksgiving. Why birthdays!!! School events and sports are totoly different you should go. Everything is workable. If one wants to throw a big party then do it. You throw the smaller one. Slumber party or something, anything. I am divorced and I throw one for my daughter and my ex throws one. His ex-wife does not want to be there at mine. We do get along and talk all the time. If she does not want it together then thats ok. Why should she have to. I want my ex to be happy because if his wife is not happy the whole house hold is not happy. My daughter visit the house. I just told my daughter its ok. If you seem ok and don't bad mouth. They are good. . My husbands ex puts their kids in the middle and hurts them. When they argue on the phone or text she lets them know their dad is mean and lets them read their text. He cannot text her when kids are there anymore at there moms now. His kids ingor their dad and me when we run into them or go to school functions when mom has them. It is very unconfortable for them. Make it clear to the kids now and not confuse them, so every year they know what to expect. No family function together!!
My daughter is good. Cause we put her first and don't argue about it. My husbands kids are angry cause she puts them in the middle. Think about your actions.