Hello mamas. For the past 5 years my son and I have had a routine every single night. I would always say prayers and then sing him a song and kiss him goodnight, Well the past couple years, he would get to pick the song himself and he would say the prayers, and we would talk a little and then he would go to sleep.
They had a bit of a life change in the past few months in that theyr dad, who has been a stay at home dad their whole life went to work so we could have extra cash for our bills and cause the cost of living is getting beyond my paycheck. They also started the year as half day kindergarten and now the past few months since he's gone back to work they are all day schoolers.
My question is, in the past couple weeks, my son has been really odd about bedtime. Our routine has gone from no prayers to sometimes prayers back to no prayers (I don't force it, sometimes I just tell God what I'm thankful for that day (i.e. thank you God for keeping us safe, thank you for the sunshine today, amen, etc) keeping it simple.) Also, our songs have been getting fewer and fewer. Finally, this week he just stopped wanting to give good night kisses. It makes me so sad. This was our special thing that we did and I feel he is way too young to get off with going to bed without a hug and kiss from mommy.
Tonight he wouldn't give any kisses, but he tried to take my blanket into his room to snuggle with. I told him he couldn't, that I bought that blanket for a little boy who loved him mama. So he went off to bed, no kisses, and a few minutes later I could hear him crying. I went to see what was up and he wouldn't tell me, even soft speaking and trying to worm it out of him. So I told him I was going back to the living room and if he wanted to come tell me what was wrong he could.
SO WHAT IS UP? Why is my son all the sudden pushing away when you would think seeing us less he would want that extra time at night? And the routine that he knows you would think it would be comforting to him. It really does break my heart. I feel like it is a personal rejection. He also has gotten two notes sent home from school (nothing terrible that we couldn't handle) this month. He averaged about 1 every other month the rest of the year. I can't change his dad's schedule or mine, we just have to suck it up.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
i agree with the mamas who said you really shouldnt have said that thing about the blanket. sometimes I ask my almost 20mnth old for a kiss and he will back up and shake his head no. I don't take offense to this because sometimes I want to be left alone and not touched either, and I know he loves me,and will show me in his own way
"I told him he couldn't, that I bought that blanket for a little boy who loved him mama."
That's CRUEL, don't do that. He was trying to remain connected to you by taking the blanket, and you denied him that. That's probably why he was crying, and why he didn't want to tell you what was wrong. Let him take the blanket.
Kids grow up, and decide certain things aren't what they want anymore. He is trying to adjust. Give him a little time, and he will do better. He just needs time to feel these new schedules out. Let him decide on a new bedtime routine. He shouldn't have to do something he doesn't want, if it's not something he should be doing. (such as brush his teeth, put on his pajamas.) If he doesn't want to kiss you, he shouldn't be made to. Figure out something he would like to do now, and make that your routine. This is NOT a personal rejection. Do not take it personally, and do not make him feel bad again.
It sounds like normal behavior for a child who is going through changes. He is going to school, seeing his parents less... pulling away is often how children cope and he is likely, hurt, confused and going through his own changes.
But I think what you said to him about he can't have the blanket because it is for a boy who loves his momma is really awful and that is why he cried. You are projecting too much meaning here. You need to remain consistent in your love and be there for when he needs you, not reject him because you feel rejected. Really, get over yourself, this is a little child! Stick with your routine and don't punish him for not showering you with affection.
How could you do that to your son? That was absolutely CRUEL! Taking that blanket away from him and telling him that was absolutely the worst thing you could have done. Just because he's feeling lost right now does NOT mean he doesn't love you! No wonder he's crying. :( I would have been too if I thought I'd just been rejected by my mother, which is basically what you did to your son. His whole world is turned upside down, and instead of trying to help him find his way through it you're feeling sorry for yourself and taking it out on him. :( Spend as much time as he's willing, the way he wants to do it and I'm sure things will come around as he settles into a new routine. Support HIM.
I agree with Bug and Christina- don't be cruel. Your son is FIVE- he doesn't get the larger spiritual or emotional implications of what is upsetting you. It sounds like you are taking this way too personally and letting it upset you, when this should be about your son and what is changing in his life to make him want to change his routine.
It sounds like with his dad going back to work and kindergarten starting, your son has a lot going on right now and is dealing with some of it by acting out. That is perfectly normal- don't take it personally! Remember, that kids act out with the people they love and trust the most, and that is almost always going to be mom!
Your job is just to keep things loving and stable for him. Ask yourself- what is he doing that is really so horrible? Changing his routine? Refusing to say prayers? You just keep to the same routine and say to him " Ok, if you don't want to sing a song tonight, let's read a story instead." Then read out loud to him and ask " Ok, do you want to say your prayers tonight?" If he says no, then you just say, " Well, how about if I say a little prayer anyway? I just like to tell God goodnight for you." Then say prayers just as you would if you were doing it together- teach by EXAMPLE, not through fear and guilt! Punishing him for something like that will just backfire on you and will not encourage him to pray when he is truly moved to do so.
He is just a child- you need to be the grownup here and understand that he is not a little kid robot who is always going to do things to your expectations. I know it can be hard, but you need to give him a little space to be upset and just love him and support him by acting the same way you always have and keeping things stable for him. Good luck- don't take this personally!
I would continue a routine, read a story, saying prayers and give him a kiss on the head. Tell him that it makes you sad that he doesn't say prayers, but you will say a prayer for him until he starts again. I would also sing the song and ask if he would like to sing you a song.
I would avoid saying things like, "thats for a little boy who love his mama". Not only is that "blanket blackmail" it also sends a negative message.
Blessings.....
Maybe he is not easily able to express his feelings. Honestly, tomorrow I would find some private time with him and explain that he doesn't need to talk if he doesn't want to but he needs to listen to you while you say that you apologize for last night, you are sad and worried about him, that you love him, that if he has anything to ask you or tell you that he can do so at any time, and that you understand that he may not want to give you kisses anymore and that is ok. Every night you will give him some anyway and he should know that means you love him no matter what - even if he doesn't want to say it back or give kisses back. I would also keep a close watch on him in the next couple weeks and try to help him label his feelings....this change may be due to the fact that your husband went to work but perhaps it is something else that he can't tell you yet so be available so that he can tell you what it is if he wants. Best of luck to you.
Bug, you took the words right out of my mouth...er, keyboard.
All of us moms with boys know they go through many phases in their cutting the strings from mommy. It's just part of them growing up. I would definitely give him anything of mine that he wanted to sleep with. It just shows he wants to be close to you but maybe in a more unobvious way. On the rare occasion when I've had to be away, I would take something tiny of the kids and they would have something of mine. We would joke about sleeping with or near them to still be close to each other. If it were me, I would go into his room and say my evening prayers at that time and ask if he wanted to share anything. If so, wonderful, if not, then at least he is hearing you pray and it's a good example for him and teaching him how to talk to God. I would lean over and give a kiss on the forehead, cheek, whatever's comfortable and say the "good night, I love you." Just continue to be there for him but don't make him feel guilty when he is pulling away just a little. Some days he'll be back to your little boy and some days you will hardly know him ... it's him growing up.
Hang in there, Mom- he loves you! Something's bothering him, though, and he doesn't know how to deal with it or how to express it.
Try going somewhere on the weekend - just he and you- and do something that is fun for him, and then get ice cream or something after. Take that time when he's not tired/ emotional/ overwhelmed to coax it out of him. Tell him you've noticed he's been... you fill in the blank... and you're worried that something is bothering him. Tell him you love him sooo much, and that it makes you sad to think that he is sad- that you want so much to make it better for him, but you can't if you don't know what the problem is.
Sometimes it helps to first talk about something like how happy you were the day he was born or some special or funny thing he used to do when he was a baby- maybe some remember when's of special times he remembers. My children love to hear stories about when they were babies.
My husband and I take turns taking our children out for special one on one time on a regular basis. We've found it keeps the bond strong, and that that is when we find things out about them that we hadn't known before.
I think he cried tonight because he thought you were mad at him. And while he seemed to be pushing you away, he still wanted you- the blanket was yours and that was a comfort to him- almost like having you there. Try not to take his behavior personally. Believe me, I've done it too, and with hindsight and experience I've realized that I would have gotten to the root of the problem faster if I hadn't.
It hurts to think that your child no longer wants your attention/ affection. I've been there too. My 2nd son didn't want to have anything to do with me when my 3rd son was born (he wasn't even quite 2 yet) and only wanted my mother, instead- absolutely ripped my heart out- I was going through PPD as it was, and that just made me fall to pieces.
I wish you all the best :)
