At a Loss and Need Advice - Detroit,MI

Next time use the "would you like some bean dip" approach. It really means - change the subject. It works like this:
"Oh dear, I have no idea why BIL is so obsessed with me or where he gets these crazy ideas. Would you like some bean dip?"

That last sentence could be ANYTHING benign -
"What did you think of that storm last night?"
"Did you see that funny video with the cat and the turtle?"
"Did you watch the game last Sunday?"
"Did you see the latest episode of Game of Thrones?"
"Can I show you the pictures I've been painting?"
"I saw the best movie last week!"
"I am reading a really interesting book."
"I had so much fun with the kids at the pool this morning."

Yes - after you stand up for yourself - not by DEFENDING yourself, but by DIMISSING the subject - the next thing you say can be ANYTHING that changes the subject. These people are drowning you. Stop wading into their ocean. They can't do it if you don't play your part.

And hubby probably isn't going to stand up for you. Grieve for the man you thought he was or hoped he could be, accept that he's not that guy, or that there isn't much he can do, and find SOMETHING else to think about.

The best way to win this fight is for YOU to dismiss the subject any time someone tries to talk to you about it - by acknowledging that BIL sure seems to have some odd ideas about you and it sounds like he likes to talk about them - do it CALMLY - like it's FUNNY or not worth your time - and change the topic. Eventually, this drama will die because it cannot play without you. Truly.

It doesn't matter that you haven't done this up to now. Just start. At first, it will be hard. But after awhile, you'll truly lose interest and be free of it.

Best of luck to you,
e

ETA: To your added question about divorce. Sure, people would. But in truth, until you learn how not to respond to these kinds of people, they WILL keep finding you.

Divorce would mean you'd given this and them a LOT of power over you - is that what you want? Do you enjoy your marriage otherwise? I have an in-law who nearly drove me to divorce - and my husband could have and should have learned ways to stand up for me without adding drama (example: when I mentioned something [worth celebrating] a family member had shared on Facebook, she sniffed and said "Oh, you're one of thooooooooose", with disgust - he COULD have and should have said something about how he liked Facebook - so not defensive but just shutting her down. This went on about EVERYTHING about me for so long - and it became the central subject of my marriage for so long. This person is no longer welcomed into my home and I avoid interacting with her. I expressed to my husband how bereft his silence in the face of this kind of sniping left me. And I moved on. How delighted she would have been had we divorced. :/)

If it were me, I wouldn't wait for my husband to come to my defense. The first time I overheard that he was making nasty comments, I would have confronted him myself- not aggressively, but just point blank. Then be done with him and stop trying to get along with this person. I've found that insecure people like this usually back down when they know you won't stand for it.

Yes, your husband should have the courage to stand up to them and say "knock it off already".

That said, from your description, you KNOW these people -- all of them-- love drama. I'm going to suggest that both the MIL and new girlfriend do this to keep everyone separate. Even IF what they are saying is true, most emotionally healthy people would not repeat these things because they know it would only cause hurt.

I'd find a way to compartmentalize this as a "wow, some people in our family are really sad", shake your head, and move on with life. If someone starts up with the "BIL said..." just reply "you know, unless he has the nerve to say it to my face, I'm not interested in hearing it." If they insist that they are 'warning' you, you can then tell them that "I understand your concern, and I'm already aware of how he supposedly feels about me. That's enough, thanks." Don't engage, change the subject. Find someone else, even yourself if need be, to talk to.... just get away from people who are sowing resentment between themselves.

I guarantee if you don't get sucked in, at some point they will get irritated and scapegoat each other-- or someone else, in any case-- instead.

All I can say that if people are repeating what he said to your face, then they all know that it is untrue. If they thought it was true, they would never confront you about it.

Also, I am sure you are not the only person he tells lies about and I am sure he embellishes the truth all the time. They people in his life know this and don't believe anything he says.

So, you cannot worry about this. Everyone he tells this to is seeing it as his problem, not yours. They don't believe him and there is nothing you can do to change who he is.

Don't get sucked into the drama. You know, in your life, not everyone will like you. And that's okay. You just need to keep being the best person you can be, and if your BIL has a problem with that -- that's his problem.

I don't understand for the life of me why all these people are gossiping, telling you and your husband what your BIL supposedly said. That's almost worse than him saying it. There is absolutely NO POINT is people telling other people that someone else said something nasty about them, other than to hurt them.

This all sounds like high school. Ignore it. And your husband should ONLY say something to his brother if his brother actually verbally attacks you. If it's just gossip, it's irrelevant. Don't bug your husband about stupid gossip from a 21 year old. The fact that he's dating a 21 year old says a lot about him.

He sounds like a toxic person. and YES your husband should stick up for you. The hard part though it is "Hear say" unless your husband hears it directly from his brother it does put him in a tight spot.
HOWEVER, your husband can confront his brother and say that these people have told you he has said these things, and where are they getting it from? He also needs to tell his brother that he better not ever confirm he has said these things, or he won't be welcome around his family.
You are his WIFE! You should come first.
Hope things get better for you. Toxic people suck, especially ones you are related to. By blood or marriage!

I would just distance myself from these people. Seriously, I have had to do that with members of my own family. You can't force relationships where there are none (or at least not healthy ones.) Just worry about yourself, your husband and kids and let the in laws wallow in their own drama. (Ain't nobody got time for that!)

I really like Elyse E's response. The bean-dip approach, I love it.

It sounds like your husband has a toxic family (his brother, his brother's girlfriend, his step-mom). He can't control them either and even if he did argue with them and tell them to stop, it would do no good. And it sounds like he's learned this lesson over many years. So, if your marriage is otherwise happy, don't think of this as him not standing up for you. Think of it has him trying to help you learn how best to handle these toxic people.

These are lies! You do not need protecting. The best way to stay out of drama is to ignore it. People who know you know they're lies. Why do you care what the people who don't know you think. I also add that when you try to defend yourself you make yourself look guilty.

I suggest that if you're not confident enough in yourself and your husband's love you get some counseling. You and your husband differ in the way you think this should be handled. This issue is a whole lot less important than most others you face. Unless you see his not jumping to your defense as not loving you. If that's the case counseling will help you feel more secure.

What do you expect him to do? Tell them to knock it off? That hasn't worked. Reply with how you're not that way? Doesn't work. It's drama they want and when he replies he adds to the drama. Not good. Refuse to see them? They are his family. Is that fair?

If you're uncomfortable with them, it's reasonable for you to stay away. This is a problem for you. Your husband has found a way to cope. I suggest letting go of your anger with him and ask for his help. Think together of possible ways to handle this. Telling a spouse what to do does not resolve an issue. Working together in love and respect does.

I had to explain to my husband that when he fails to stand up for me with his family it is like he is saying they are more important or more "family" to him then me and our children. And there is no way I would ever let your children around your bil if he is bad mouthing you in any way, they don't need to hear all that.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Are you an adult or a child? Put on your big girl panties.

Your husband does NOT need to "protect" you. He DOES however, need to support you and have your back. If he doesn't? Then you and he need to have a serious talk and maybe consider counseling.

It is NOT your husband's job to "protect" you from your feelings being hurt. You ALLOW these people to hurt your feelings. IF they are lies - LAUGH IT OFF!!! When people want to help spread the discord and drama? STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS!!! HOW you ask??? By ignoring it. Eventually the pests will figure out they can't get under your skin anymore and pick another target...and yes...unfortunately, some will NEVER learn or let go.

They will continue with the lies, defamation and whatever they can do to keep getting attention and tongues wagging...you know that's what this is about right? Doesn't matter if it's lies...they do NOT care if they are telling lies...they just care about the attention and drama they are creating...they do NOT care what it does to another person...they may believe they are telling the truth - but they aren't, right? You know they aren't, right? So laugh at them. Feel sorry for them...yep. Feel sorry - empathy - that their life is soo sad that they NEED this drama, they FEED off the drama...you've let it go on for far too long...you can stop it. Laugh it off...

So these people who appear to be "well-intentioned" and just want you to know he's saying something about you AGAIN???? YOU SAY!!

"Oh he's talking about me AGAIN?! Isn't that great!! You want some great gossip on me?? Let me tell you this!!" And tell them something funny that happened to you or your child. STOP giving in to their drama. Stop allowing piss ant people who have no moral compass dictate how you will feel. No one can "MAKE" YOU feel anything unless you give them permission..

Good luck!

Sadly, you can't control your brother in law's actions or what he says. You can control YOUR actions so cut him out of your life and move on. You don't have to interact with him just because he's your husbands brother. They all sound toxic to me. If it makes you feel better, confront him with his lies. Then delete him from your life.

I have a toxic sister in law. Luckily she lives far away now. I made the effort to try to be friendly and kind. Too many wierd and unkind things happened, so I cut her out of my life. We send Christmas cards and that's about it. Luckily, my husband was on the same page as me.

Tell your husband you're done with the drama!

It's always frustrating to be part of these big family drama-thons. I know you wish your husband would stand up for you, and I don't blame you. However, he seems to have found a way to ignore his crazy family members and not buy into their BS. Unfortunately, you are trying to make things better with people who do not care about hurting you.

So you can go back to the way it was when your BIL wasn't in your lives - stop the contact and you won't have to listen to it. If someone calls you to read you a laundry list of things other people say, change the subject or hang up. Just say, "If you want to talk like this, you'll have to find someone else who wants to listen to lies. Bye now." And hang up. Do not invite these people to your house. Do not go to their homes. Your husband can do what he wants - he can see his family on his own, or he can call them out on their behavior and tell them not to disrespect his wife. The latter would be nice if it made a difference, but if it just escalates everything and makes these emotionally damaged people even more radical and unreasonable, then it's pointless. It's like arguing with a bigot and trying to get him/her to realize they are ridiculous. You can't change them. (That's how they feel about you - they think they can keep talking in your face and you will do something or be something different!)

So I'd say to stop investing any more time and energy with these people. No matter how much they say something, it's not true. Give up on them. FInd better friends, more rewarding activities. Give up the idea that you will have a good relationship with severely messed up people. Find new outlets for your good intentions and good works. Volunteer, get together with friends, see your own family. Restructure holidays and birthdays to avoid the toxic people. Don't try to convince anyone of anything. Just keep your distance and seek out positive people and situations.

The thing you must do is keep your child from hearing these things about you. It's incredibly damaging to a child to hear that Mom is X Y and Z. It doesn't matter that it's untrue. A child cannot process that. So you must be absolutely resolute in keeping these people away from your child. Your husband has to get on board with that. Maybe if MIL realizes she won't have a relationship with a grandchild, something will change. Maybe not. But the child will be protected. You have to do better for your own child than these people did for your husband.