As the Parent of an ADHD/ADD Child, What Do You Wish Others Knew About ADHD?

I could write a book as an answer to this question. I guess mostly what I wish people would do is see my CHILD not his diagnosis. He is kind, loving, sweet, smart, and gentle. Those who don't take the time to look at that are missing out. ADHD is not the totallity of who he is...he is much more.

Oh boy, you asked a loaded question...every Mom of an ADHD kid has held back a million one liners or come up with that thing to say just a few minutes too late...

I wish that they knew that it was a medical problem, like any other body disfunction, brains are flesh and blood and can have issues that are treated effectively with medical intervention. Some disfuncitons, like diabetes, require a change in behavior, and this is the way that ADHD is like diabetes (in most other comparisons, it stinks) Insert what people say about ADHD into a discussion about a kindey problem, and it just becomes rediculous and crewl. Johnny can keep from peeing his pants sometimes, so he does not need medication to control his kidneys, it is a big cop out by his parents....uhg.

Drugs that make kids "zombies" don't really exist for the treatment of ADHD, and if a drug was used that sedated your kid, you have the wrong drug or a terrible prescriber and you should seek better care. People have bad reactions to drugs all the time, and no one thinks that treatment for other meidcal problems (like cancer, or arthritis) causes them to be guenea pigs, but we love to say that about brain disorders. No one sets out to make kids zombies, we set out to make them well and medication is a tool that helps them access all the therapy they need to get well. Medication alone is wrong, and I don't know very many parents who would even consider medication as a comprehensive treatment. Why do people assume atomatically that we just use a pill and don't drive our kids to play therapy, cognative behavioral therapy, speech therapy, social skills classes, OT, and tutoring?

Sugar and red food coloring are not to blame. If this is your opinon, keep it to yourself, it does not help me, and if it did, my child would not eat skittles. It is so out there, every parent of a kid with ADHD has heard it, and considered it.

If tradtional dicipline that worked for your typical child were going to work for mine, it would have worked the 1st, 10th, 100th, or 1000th time I did it, so I don't need you to tell me about time out, or being consistent, and you telling my child that Santa won't come this year is just not helpful either.

On that same subject, when my very well behaved, typical child is sitting next to me while you lecture me about how terrible my parenting skills are, how do you think the typical one got to be so well behaved? Just saying...

Last, have a little compassion. There are only so many presentations for things that go wrong with the brain, and your child is one very high fever, terrible illness, or accident away from having issues with a brain disorder that are very simular to those that come along with ADHD. You might not walk in my shoes now, but you could, and we are the people who will understand what you are going through if you have a tradgedy.

M.

As an adhd-c mum to an adhd-c kiddo :

- I wish that people knew it wasn't all negative, that if anything there are more gifts that come with adhd than drawbacks. The drawbacks get all the press, and what few gifts DO make the headlines they're always presented as if a person OVERCAME their adhd to have these gifts, instead of them being part and parcel.

- I wish that people knew it was just the way our BRAIN works... like being gifted, or being blind, or being talented at music/math/art/whatever, or left handed. That even with training or meds... our brains remain the same.

- I wish that people knew that good diet helps EVERYONE, but unless you have a nutritional deficiency... cures nothing.

- I wish that people knew (as Krista said) that it isn't that we can't pay attention... it's that we're paying attention to EVERYTHING.

- I wish that people understood that we're not adhd + bipolar, or adhd + spd... but that our emotions swing wildly (aka we're naturally intense people, and have to learn to monitor and mediate that... but that we can learn to a degree over years and years of practice, as opposed to bipolar people who have no control no matter how hard or how long they work for it) and we have sensory schtuff as PART of our adhd (the sensory comes in large part from our brains paying attention to everything... do you know where each and every seam of your clothing is ALL the time? And what your feet feel like inside your socks, and which direction your nipples are pointing, and how your eyelashes bounce off of each other ALL the time? We do. Plus 100-500 other things.)

- I wish that people understood (again) that it's our BRAINS. Would those same people tell someone with seizures NOT to take their meds? OR that a deaf person HAS to get a cochlear implant? They would not. Yet, for some reason... when even with 20 years experience and 2 degrees *I* don't know even 1/1000th of neurology & physiological psychology... Jane Smith who read an article once is an expert. They're OUR brains and OUR CHILDREN'S brains. I wish that people would stop feeling like they're a) experts in a field that is in it's infancy and b) stop proceeding to judge or give advice about neurology.

- I wish that people understood that if THEY can't concentrate with music blaring and the TV on and people coming and going... but it actually HELPS us... Or that caffeine wires them, but puts us to sleep... that perhaps their "solutions" (that do indeed work great for them) work as well for us, as OUR solutions would work for THEM.

- That being different is special, and not something to be eradicated, but cherished.

Improvise, adapt, and overcome!!! :)

R.

Ditto Martha's comments ... every one of them!

I would add:
1. If you haven't parented a child with ADHD or don't hold a medical degree in psychiatry or psychology, don't offer your opinions or judgment about this condition. You shouldn't have any. It's a medical condition like any other and you hurt people when you say it's overdiagnosed, parents rush to medicate, parents just need to adjust diet/discipline better. Would you tell parents of a child with cancer that chemo is the "easy way out" or that they're somehow to blame? It's just as awful to criticize parents dealing with ADHD. Every parent I know who's dealt with ADHD has been very smart, very caring and very in tune to parenting techniques (since we've tried them all). We're not idiots.

2. Advocating to school administrators that a child with ADHD be kicked out of preschool, as some parents did to mine with success, is cruel. Have some compassion. You ruined our life -- and our young son's -- at the time. He still remembers being rejected at that young age and no doubt will for the rest of his life. Saying "what's WRONG with that child?" in front of a three-year-old child is also just as damaging.

3. ADHD absolutely drains parents dealing with it. It's mentally and physically exhausting. If you see a parent struggling with an out-of-control child, skip the scornful look on your face and think how you might help. A mom offered to help get our daughter in her car seat one time when her brother was in a rage after a gym class and it meant the world to me. Think kindness, not a rush to judgment.

I don't have a child with ADHD, but am a child psychologist who works with children experiencing ADHD (among other things) every day.

I would love for people to understand that children with ADHD are very often bright and capable, but are essentially unable to control their reactions/responses to situations as fluidly as typically developing children.
-They react, rather than respond.
-They lack a "filter" that stops them from saying something hurtful- they are not rude or lacking in social awareness.
-They are not unable to attend, but actually attend to EVERYTHING! This makes it difficult for them to take-in information b/c they are trying to listen to/observe everyone and everything.

You will be surprised by what people do not know, but I have found that when you explain the situation, more often than not, people are willing to accommodate!

I think because each child is different and each ADHD is different.. you will need to explain to people what your daughter has besides just the letter ADHD... I usually think that they don't focus for long periods of time.. but you are saying that isn't the issue with your daughter.. so as you meet people and your daughter meets people you should explain that your child has some medical issues - they call it ADHD but she has tantrums -extreme - she gets upset easily... and so on. My nephew had low tolerance for simple things .. like making a circle with a pencil or the letter C... other things too.. my sister in law worked tireless with him and took her time even in the summers teaching him and working with him.. he is now a college graduate.. it was hard.. he still has some issues.. but he has a job and is a great guy.. and the biggest reason why.. is my sister in law worked hard with him.. and loved him.. and let others know what he had and how they too could help.. good luck..

The CHADD courses are the greatest thing to educate people about AD/HD. There are multiple forms of AD/HD. Check them out if you're interested! They're a non-profit so all you pay for is the binder of info- and they have financial aid if you can't afford that. They have chapters across the country. Check it out at www.chadd.org

1). It's not always attention DEFECIT. It's a difficulty in putting attention where we (society/parents/teachers) think it should be. My first year of teaching I had a little boy with ADHD and he could focus on some things for HOURS ... to the point of it being a huge issue for me to try to get him to shift and join the class. I've seen the same behavior, since then, with my own son.

2) These kids are not dumb!! I've taught kids with ADHD, am a mother, sister, and daughter of people with ADHD, and every one of these people is very intelligent. In fact, part of the problem can stem from the fact that they "got it" the first time and don't want to be bothered with the next 10 repititions.
This has 2 parts - first, we need to stop acting as if they are deficient, because they start believing it, and then they achieve even less. Second, when interventions are necessary at school, they should not be "resource" or extra tutoring. It should be presenting/teaching/& practicing material in different ways that capture their attention.

3) Medications aren't a fix. This isn't something where you just take a pill and it's all better. When meds are necessary (which is a decision that should be between parents and doc and no one else) they are to help mediate the challenges while the child learns to manage behavior. Whether or not meds are given, it is important for the child to learn to self-regulate behavior (which is a long-term process)

4) Kids with ADHD aren't naughty because they want to be. They often can see that they are not doing what they should and feel out of control. We can't "discipline" them out of it. We need to help them manage the challenges.

5) You don't grow out of it. Symptoms might diminish over time, and you can learn to manage. But I know several adults who "still" have ADHD; some have learned to manage it better, others are still struggling.

6) It's only one aspect of the person. My son has ADHD, but I don't say he IS ADHD (subtle difference maybe, but it's a slight perspective shift). He is also short, sweet, funny, mischevious, red-haired, outgoing, and many other things.