Any Other Single Moms with Husbands?

Hi B.-
It sounds like your husband is lazy and self-centered, and as you said, there are some other issues as well.
Before you call it quits, please consider counselling. A counsellor sometimes can help give you some ideas/tools to work with, when you are too exhausted to try or think of any more novel ideas to get the marriage back on track.
My husband is a pastor of a Baptist church, and offers marriage counselling for free. He has a doctorate degree. If you are not religious, don't let this scare you. You do not need to be a believer or a member of the church to receive counselling, although he will invite you I am sure.
He would meet with you at the church with other people around, even if your husband doesn't want to go....
I love this man and though he's not perfect, I believe he is one of the most caring men I've ever met, and he has been my beloved husband for almost 17 yrs. now. He is not afraid to tell it like it is (he will tell your husband he's not doing right)...but he's very loving and caring at the same time. I think if you meet him you will agree.
here's the number if you decide it's worth a try:
Pastor Joel ###-###-#### just tell him Toni told you he does free marriage counselling, and he will be glad to talk with you. It might be worth a try!
Good luck.
P.S. We have 3 boys as well :)

2 moms found this helpful

I TOTALLY GET YOU! I've referred to my hubby as "bachelor dad." Because when he is home, he does his own thing like play on the computer, watch tv, play with his things in his closet or go to a friend's house. I do EVERYTHING: pay bills, shop, clean, laundry, home school, home repairs, ... He doesn't get it, and probably never will. I was in two major accidents and disabled, but can't say anything and all I hear is his complaining about his back (overweight--go figure). I end up exhausted and in tons of pain! I have no friends or family to help, and no breaks.

The only way I get through it is to be thankful I get to be the one that raises my babies (not daycare). I also joined FlyLady, read Simple Abundance, sing to myself, and look for ANYTHING to be grateful for. I find it's best to focus on me and my babies and not get caught up in the hubby related dramas.

Oh, don't say anything negative about your husband--they naturally might defend him. The kids will get it all on their own, and you'll be the hero in the long run for biting your tongue!

2 moms found this helpful

Yes, that is almost our same situation. My and my two sons are a close family, while their dad watches tv all the time. He does not go to any family events, or even grocery shopping with us. He is just like a roommate. But the kids love him and he is their dad. I try not to say anything too bad about him around the kids. I am trying to raise my kids to not be like that, I only let them watch tv for special occasions, so it doesn't become their life. I'm not leaving him because of his paycheck, he supports our family financially while I go to college full time. I try to think of the good things about him, and try not to concentrate on the bad. Maybe marriage counseling will help? Although i've never tried it myself, it sounds like a good idea.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi I experience the same thing. I have just come to the conclusion that if he wants to provide for the family; then that is cool. I just go off and do my own thing with my children & enjoy spending his money!!!
He thinks the boys should be helping me around the house and such. Even to the point that my 14 year old and I put the Christmas lights on the house together this past year. Mine doesn't even do the repairs on the house. It does get frustrating and I don't know why they think that just working is enough. But honestly they are missing out on the best part. When his boys are grown and moved out he will wonder why he didn't spend a little more time with his family!!
I am sorry that I really don't have much advice! You have the best part & enjoy your children!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, I do know that kind of man....and I divorced mine! It was 9 years ago, about a year after we had our first child. He did nothing with her, and little for her. He was just "THERE" physically as a complaining lump. I was living like a roommate with him and I didn't want her to get old enough to feel "hurt" by his lack of involvement with her. So, I pulled myself together emotionally, and realized what would really be different if I left? I'd still be doing everyhing on my own anyway!

Flash forward to D-Day: I moved out and lo and behold, with no one else to do things for him, he HAD to get himself together to be a single parent when he had our daughter - during the week or on weekends. So, he finally had a taste of what it meant to be a parent, and to have someone rely on you. The best thing that ever happened to ALL of us, was me making the decision to get divorced. He grew close to our daughter, and he and I re-established what brought us together in the first-place, our friendship. So, for 9 years now, we have been raising our daughter with joint custody - we each have her every other day, and opposite weekends. From the start, we've continued to do things together with her - and in fact, after I re-married about a year later, my ex, myself and my current husband, are all friends. Now, I have four kids, and together, we will go to the movies with the kids, school clothes shopping, boating, etc. My ex and my hubby even play golf together. I know, it's definitely not "typical" - LOL But, my point is, that positive things can come from what seems bleak.

I think my ex was depressed over his job, being a new parent, and other things at the time. By him having to get involved when he had our daughter, it seemed to almost give him a sense of purpose that I think before, he didn't feel he had - because I was doing everything; even if it seemed like he wanted it that way at the time - if that makes sense?

Follow your heart! I love this quote: "Leap, and the net will follow."

Best,
C.

1 mom found this helpful

Bless your heart...this is a difficult situation. It would be easy to be bitter toward this man, but I urge you to not go there. I don't think you need to explain anything to your kids...they see what is going on. You might make every effort to cheerfully invite dad to every event, and to include him in conversations and family meals, to discuss where ever you have been once you return. You say you don't let your MS get you down...bring that determination to this situation too. You cannot control anything about him, but you can show your sons your own courage and inclusiveness and love.

Your man obviously has to work to keep your family boat afloat. Thank him for that, say things to your sons that dad hears. He may be depressed...any chance he'll go to the doc to get help? You have the teenage years ahead of you. You have a complicated illness. I would encourage you to carefully and intentionally work on that marriage. Only you can make the decision to leave, so I cannot pretend to give you advice, but I would encourage you to respect the job your husband does and accept the charming man with good humor ;-).

Good luck. What a difficult journey you are all on!!

1 mom found this helpful

B. if you could email me at ____@____.com I would love to talk to you I kind of have an idea of what you are going trhough and I think my family is headed down the same road. Thanks J.

1 mom found this helpful

B.,
I don't know what to say about the husband being a lump, I know how hard it is when your significant other doesn't help or doesn't have the same life goals as you. The one thing though I'd love to suggest to you to benefit you and your 3 boys is buy montel williams book on better living with MS, I have heard so many people with and without MS who have read and used the diets and lifestyle in his book and have coped with their MS! Myabe when your husband see's a change in you he may just come around! stay strong, for those boys, they'll remember how strong you were their whole lives!! Good luck and keep me updated if you choose to get the book! God Bless! A. G xoxo

1 mom found this helpful

Hi B.. Only you can know what's best for you, but I do know that happy children need happy mamas. They learn about life and choices and relationships from us. We set the tone for their future relationships. You may consider seeing a counselor or psychologist just so you have an objective sounding board to talk out the situation in detail and decide what's best for your family.

I wish you and your family the best, whatever that is. Someday they'll thank you for being such a great, dedicated mom (and maybe your husband will too).

1 mom found this helpful

Hi B.!

My name is D.. I feel like you are singing my song. My husband is very negative and keeps to himself most of the time. He doesn't show any affection at all. Especially to me. I have 2 boys 20 and 15. My first son that is 20 now came from another marriage. I married my husband now when my son was 3 years old. But we had been dating a year before we go married. So my son was actually 2 when we met. He never really gave my son any kind of hugs didnt really talk with him, nothing. The time my husband would pay attention to my son was if it had something to do with sports. Then my second son was born a year after we got married. Thats when I realized my husband can show emotion and affection. But the only one he would show it to was our second son. He would hug him, kiss on him, hold him, play with him, all in front of my other son. So of course I would give my first son immediate attention so that he wouldnt feel left out. But that really put a strain on our marriage, including a huge strain on my heart for my son. It use to make me cry and I would hurt from the bottom of my heart. Then the boys got older and my husband started treating my second son the same way. Ive been dealing with this resentment and lonely feeling for a long time. I am also to the point of divorce. Now the boys are grown, I dont need to stick around and feel more lonely in this marriage then if I were actually alone. Please write me back. I would like to talk more. D.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry for your situation. I do not have any exact answers, but all I have every heard is that communication is the key. I don't know what other problems there may be, but I do hope that you both can work it out. Is there any family you can stay with, just to let your husband know you are unhappy and you want a change? All the best,
:L.

1 mom found this helpful

i dont have any answers but just sending some love. you are amazing! do your sons help out? talking to him probably will go in one ear and out the other right? jsut keep plugging along and know that i am sending a hig for every time you feel down.

1 mom found this helpful

Have you spoken to your husband about this? He may be feeling left out or maybe you should explain to him how much it would mean to the kids for him to be there. I make sure that my husband and son do activities together, just guy time.

B.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi B.!
Has your husband always been this way? I think it is a good idea to have him evaluated for depression. It's VERY common and often with therapy and medication, he can get back on the right track. I can't imagine that he is happy with what he has been doing either, but when you are depressed, that's not always enough to get improve. He may need professional help. Start with his primary care physician if he has one, or go to a church that may help steer you in the right direction. Look up 'depression' in the internet and see if they list the top 10 indicators of depression. See if it sounds like him. If it does, try to have a private, calm talk with him that you are concerned and want him to seek help. Let him know how much you miss not having him involved in the family. He will probably fight you on it as many people- often men, won't want to get help.They see it as a weakness and not for the illness that it is. People are starting to realize that when a brain is sick, it's just as importan maybe more, as when a heart or kidney is sick. There is no shame there, and there shouldn't be with mental illness either. If he won't get help, go alone. The counselor may have ideas for you on how to handle it or how to get your husband to seek help.

1 mom found this helpful

I completely understand. I have been a stay at home mom now for 13 years and I do it all, even the pool, yardwork, and fix things around the house. It becomes overwhelming. Yes, I too have referred to my husband as my roommate. I have talked to him about how I felt and have even gone on strike several times. I think he got the picture when I went on vacation for a week and he was held responsible. I have thought about how maybe it was the way he was raised because his mom did everything for him and his brothers. I have decided to give my daughter and son more responsibility because I don't want my son to grow up not knowing how to help out around the house. My husband has gotten a lot better about doing things around the house and is more active with the kids than he used to be. I do love him dearly. I wish you the best of luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Counseling,and if he's not willing to give it a shot, he will show you exactly where he stands in the relatonship! I know women who were stay at home moms, left, and found someone willing to take on a family of 4,so you will find support from another. Many women are worried men won't take on a someone with kids,thats why so many women stay and deal, but they will be grown soon to than what will you do?,Sounds like your happiness has been put on hold, which from experience leaves us bitter and negative. You need to make yourself happy and you don't seem happy. If you dont get help now you will stay miserable and your life will pass you by!! Children are wonderful, but they will be gone soon, and basically what you're saying is once they leave you will be alone with a slob on a sofa ignoring you! thats not a way to live life, i hope things work out for you. Don't let life pass you by without a partner to share it with! Hopefully your husband jumps on board!!

Hi B., my name is L.. I have 2 girls, 10 and 15.I have also been married for 17 1/2 years. I was a SAHM for about 10 years (now i do childcare at home, 5 kids)and I also did everything even going to jeepers for the day when we met with family there. This has always been my only problem with my husband/marriage. he is faithful, loving and caring. He does watch alot of tv (even though he denies it when i confront him) he gets to come home and watch tv all evening while I continue with dinner, laundry, cleaning, making sure kids are doing homework, practicing instruments etc. He has gotten better with taking the kids to practices or dr. visits, since i started working, but he only takes them if i still have childcare kids. I basically have just accepted it as the way it is. at least he is home and not out running around. my girls love him, they do wish they got more attention from him, he does do some things with them, as long as it interests him. I am not saying that accepting it is the right way to go, I just thought i would share.

Hi B., someone here suggested "Fresh Start Womens Foundation" to me, and it's a wonderful place. Check out the web site You'll be glad you did.

I don't have any answer for you, however, you may find comfort in knowing that the scenario with your husband is EXTREMLY common. You sound like you could use some quality girlfriend time as well as some time for your self. Sometimes stepping away from your situation can help you get a little focus. Find some little things to make you happy, for me it is my morning coffee outside looking at my flower garden. Focus on the good stuff so that you don't let yourself get too down and take some small steps. You have to talk to your husband and tell him what it is you need, if you don't you will probably never get it. Wait until you have pondered what you are going to say and make sure it makes good sense. I want to write more but my baby keeps touching the buttons and messing me up! Good Luck :-)

B. -

I was in the same situation. My kids were 2 and 4. My husband did nothing in the house. When he was home he just laid around in a separate room of the house from us. Also when he was alone with the kids (I was working or out) he would neglect them and just watch T.V. I feel for you and know what you are going through. I was lucky that I had my own business and divorced my husband. I was able to support myself and two boys. My main focus was the health and upbringing of the boys. I was not going to have my boys growing up thinking that a woman was there to take care of them. They now clean the house, help cook, and do things for themselves. They are 4 and 6 now. So my goal is to train them to be responsible and help so that when they get married they will be an equal or better partner in the marriage. Also now their Dad comes to their baseball games and school activities. It caused him to straighten out also. You have to decide what is right for you and the children. My choice was to teach my children to be self sufficient and love themselves and not to let the lack of someone's attention form their personalities. I wanted to be the role model that if someone is not treating you with respect and love, then take that person out of your life. You are too special and life is too short to allow someone to control or influence your life in a negative fashion. It will come back to haunt their Dad at some point, when the kids don't want anything to do with him. By continuing to allow your husband to treat you that way, the kids are learning the same behavior patterns and imitating the way he treats you, by making you do all the work. Stand up for yourself. It is going to be hard at first and they will resist with all their might, but stay strong and enforce your boundaries. Good luck!

All I want to say is please don't give up on your marriage. You didn't elaborate what the other issues are that are going on, but if it is something that can be forgiven and worked through, you need to try to do so. Divorce is so common these days that it seems like people don't think twice about it sometimes. Have you discussed your concerns with him? Sometimes people don't realize the impact they are having on others around them, help him understand if he will listen. Also, don't just focus on the negative, remember all the good things he does too, maybe write them down so you can see how much he really does. I don't know even a fraction of what is going on, how well he listens, etc., but please don't throw in the towel just yet, you owe it to yourself and your kids (and your husband for that matter) to make your 17 year marriage (and family) work. I agree with the others about him maybe being depressed, hopefully there is something that can help with that (other than meds which seem to make things worse sometimes). Good Luck.

Hi B.!

I know exactly what you mean. It is different for me though. My husband will get up and play with them but when it comes to doing anything it all falls on me. The worst part is that it is about to get alot worse. My husband just started at the Police Academy. While there he will put in 9-10 hour days then have to come home and do 6-8 hours of homework a night. I am just so frustrated with the situation. It was hard enough when he had the time now he is not going to have the time at all and I will have more work to do because I will have to be the one ironing his uniforms and shining his shoes. I understand how you feel. If you weould like to talk more e-mail me at ____@____.com

M.

I'm no expert on the subject, but I do know these three things:
1. Your boys will get their identities from their father. They will learn how to treat their wives and children from his example. By letting them know that you don't approve and that you think he is setting a bad example, you may open their eyes to the idea that they have a choice about how to behave and that they can reject his examole.
2. You're happiness or unhappiness is felt by everyone in your household, and it would greatly benefit your boys to see you happy.
3. Your husband is not going to change. The only way things are goign to change is for you to make it happen. Change is always scary and yet it is also necessary. I think a good therapist could give you the strength to do the right thing and move on with a fulfilling life instead of dragging the burden of your husband along with you.

Hi B.,

I am not an expert, and of course I don't know your whole situation, but it is possible that your husband is suffering from depression. His behavior reminds me of my ex-husband's behavior in the year before I left him. I tried to help him, and we saw a counselor (together & separately) for a while, but it did not save our marriage. Looking back, I feel good that I did all I could to help him and to save our marriage.
At any rate, fatigue, disinterest in family, changes in appetite - these are all symptoms of depression. If you think that is the problem, and he is open to getting help (which can be a big if with some men!), that might be something to pursue.

I wish you the best of luck,
S.

It sounds like you are one busy Mom! So, I almost hate to suggest that you start working from home on a small time basis so that if you decide to end the relationship, you would have some income that you could depend on. If that is something that you have thought of, please give me a call. I am always recruiting--especially stay at home Moms. We don't do any selling and you could work the business around your very hectic schedule. Call me at ###-###-#### or ###-###-#### if that would be something you would like to check into. And good luck either way you decide to go.
Sincerely,
S. Fatovich

My husband plays with the girls when he gets home. We have been married almost 14 years. Do your really want to give up after 17 1/2 years? Talk to him. Get some consuling if nescessary.Try to keep the stability in the family - get help & see if you can improve things before calling it quits.

Don't leave him, he is probably going through some bad times at work. My husband did not go to alot of concerts or ball games and we talked and he said he could go to one a year per child and that was about all he could handle. THe kids were ok with it as he was always home when I had to go somewhere. With your medical problems you really need his support, it would be hard to even get insurance with pre-existing conditions, life can get you down, but you can still be happy with your children and get active in a church or a school group and things will slowly work out. If you are happy and he sees you going on , then hopefully he will slowly come around. THe kids will take their cues from you, if you are alright with it and happy acting, then they will be also.

I of course don't know the whole situation, but I know my husband so I will tell you what works with him. First of all, my husband does not see many of the things I see. I have to ask him things like, "could you please fold the clothes your sitting on while I make dinner"? I have found that a lot of my marrital stress comes from me getting frustrated because he misses the obvious(to me). Once we figured out that he does not have that same ability I have to run the house, I stopped treating him like a mom. I explain what we are going to do and what I would like his role to be (Tomorrow we need to get the house cleaned up, can you do the bathrooms while I do the vacuuming?) This works much better than me fuming about him watching TV or on his computer while I feel like I am slaving away cleaning with the kids.

As far as him not being involved with the kids, what I have seen is that a lot of men if they do not continually stay involved with the kids just fade out of the kids lives.

When you are not mad, or just had a fight sit down with him (in an environment where you can speak openly and unobserved) and tell him that you are a little frustrated and would like to have him more involved. Don't hand him a list of short-coming or jobs to do, just express that you want him to be with you all more. If he starts to make it into a blame game/fight than just calmly tell him, we just want to spend more time with you.

Counseling and a good kick in the rump. My life has been very similiar. I am a stay-home mom, 4 beautiful children, one lump of a husband/father. Today is our 11st Anniversary. I sent him packing 5 weeks ago. It wasn't easy. He was a mean, verbally abusive, never-happy jerk and I was a manipulated, co-dependent, do-everything, wanabe-happy, Christian mom. Depression is definitely an issue for my husband. Currently, he is lost without us. He is seeking the Lord for help and answers-FINALLY!!! I blamed myself for some of our problems -my willingness to do it all, not communicating enough, on and on. What I should have done was kicked him out 3 years ago when I still loved him. Because I know I tried everything but that. He is NOW working on changing for the better but I regret that I have waited too long- my love has change and our marriage is over. Now, I will be that "someone with 4 children". Rest assured that I am more than capable. And you are too. But, B., if you have not waited too long and those "other things going on" aren't too awful and there is still some glimmer of Hope. Do everything you can to win for this marriage and if you will "Pray". Set Boundaries with him and make sure he knows you are serious. Be prepared for the worst. Most importantly take care of yourself because your children depend on it. Stay Strong.

Hi B.,
have you tried any counceling? It seems like that would be a good idea? At times I feel like that but I always try to get my husband to get involved with us. I take them and do everything with them. We went and got family picuters, dad stayed home and hung out with his buddies.
It seem at times he would rather go hunting then to be with me nad the girls. We have a good marrage, we love each other. i just have to remind him of us sometimes thats of me and the girls.
wish you the best.
PS: I go to all the school functions, i wonder if the partens think Im a single mom? We are blessed to be able to stay home. I worked for maney years. NOT FUN>
C.