I have two daughters. One is 13 and the other almost 9. They are very polite and caring. People like them a lot. A few months ago a couple with a 3 year old move to our community. Both the mom and the her daughter are nice and cheerful people. The husband, it's a different story. Anyway, my youngest love horses and throughout the years she's collected a lot of them and always plays with all of them. Since my neighbor wants her daughter to "develop" a relationship with my girls, they come unexpectedly and the little girl runs to my youngest bedroom (without asking) to play with her horses. We don't mind if non of us are engaged in a particular task. The problem is that most of the time I have to end the unexpected playdate because otherwise it does not end and that the little girl has to bring a horse home with her every time she's here. The mom and the dad, who seem to be very comfortable bringing her here at any time of the day, don't seem to bother in telling her that she should not expect to bring a toy every time she comes here. They just say things like "You can't take her toys home...." the girl, of course, tells them that she wants to and it seems to me that they just wait for me or my daughters to say "Ok take and bring it back"
I feel very annoyed by when parents allow their kids to do that. Every time my kids went to somebody's house I never had to warned them about these things. The expectation never existed.
I just get annoyed by parents who assume that their kids are being cute when they do that and think that they should be entitled to what they want. Plus this is a child, who has anything a child could possible have.
Wow! Lots of responses. I want to thank all of you for your input in this situation. I have to say that all of you are right in so many ways.
I also come (raised) from a place where the doors are open to neighbors at any time, any day of the week. When I married my husband I learned that not all people are the same. His family is very different from mine and I accepted it. Also I learned that if I don't want someone to tell my children how to behave I had to teach them myself. I guess I also will have to learn how to speak up or maybe teach my neighbor that it's not appropriate that her daughter ask to take toys with her every time she comes here, unless offered them) neither is to let her run to my daughters bedroom without asking before, expecting me comply with her daughter wishes as she does. I guess I didn't want to get to that point since it's up to the parents to set boundaries when they are in somebody else's home. And Yes! I do see now that they are just taking advantage of the "occasional babysitting" because now I remember that when the dad is supposed to be taking care of her, he brings her here! With the excuse that she wanted to see my girls.... Wow! I see how this is so therapeutic...... I feel better now. Thanks a lot!
You need to put a stop to this. I really can't stand this behavior. Kids are work and playdates are work. People like me get paid to entertain and delight children. I can tell you, my daycare kids do NOT take my toys home. I pay for them and you pay for those horses. You are going to have to stand up and let them know that what they are doing is unacceptable.
You need to put your foot down if the child's own parents won't. Just say "Those horses are my daughter's VERY SPECIAL THINGS, and they need to stay together in her room. But they'll always be here when you come over to play." And be kind but firm when you say it. That's issue #1.
Issue #2 is that these parents are using your daughters as free babysitters for their child. There's really no reason for a 13yr old and a 9yr old to have a 3yr old as a playmate. You'll have to start finding excuses to not let them in the door when they come a-knockin'. "I'm so sorry, the girls are doing their homework right now." "I'm so sorry, the girls are working on a project right now." "I'm so sorry, we're just sitting down to lunch." "I'm so sorry, we're just about to head out to run errands." Unless, of course, you (and your daughters) like having an extra 3yr old hanging around. Then by all means, let her keep coming by and just make the new "horses must stay in their own home" rule.
And yes, I agree, I would be annoyed by those parents, too...
No you are not. I would tell you neighbors that it isn't convenient that they just "drop in" and their child CAN NOT take your child's toy's home. Can't they buy her a couple of horses of her own?
Next time (if there is a next time), just say your kids rooms are OFF LIMITS period.
Honestly, these are not the kind of people I would want coming over.
Blessings....
No, you are not making a big deal out of this. They are over-stepping boundaries in every way.
You need to set some boundaries right now before it goes too far. When any kids wanted to take anything out of my house, I would just say "no, we don't borrow or lend things" and that was the end of it. I felt since they were MY things in MY house, I could set the rules. I told my children from a very young age that we would not borrow or lend things but everyone is welcome to play with stuff at each other's houses. As for the times of their visits, you need to discuss your preferences with the parents. Trust me, like I said, you need to set the boundaries NOW before this goes too far or you'll just keep getting angry and/or holding it in and that's not good. And if the family doesn't like your rules then that's too bad!!!! Good luck!!!
I could see once, like the child is over tired and you want to avoid a melt down. After knowing it happens you have a choice, you can allow your spoiled child to keep up this behavior which is wrong, or you buy the brat a horse you can pull out of your pocket for princess poo poo to take home.
Personally I would tell PP that you need to ask mommy and daddy to buy you horses since you love them so much. Junior worries about her horses when they are not here so you cannot take them anymore.
I have to be the bad guy with my kids and am sure not going to enable someone else's entitlement attitude at the expense of my children who comply with my rules. That just isn't fair plus it sends the message to your kids that it is okay to behave like that.
Jag:
oh my word!! BOUNDARIES!!! BOUNDARIES!! BOUNDARIES!!!!
no. your daughter MAY NOT take home my child's toy. Sorry. No means no in our home.
A 3 year old developing a relationship with a 9 & 13 - sounds like they are grooming them to be babysitters - as most 9 & 13 year olds don't want to play with a 3 year old.
You are NOT a baby sitter.
Set boundaries and limits. No means no. And find out what their end game is - to me - it sounds like they are grooming your daughters to be baby sitters for them...which can be fine and dandy if they are paying them.
Do they just drop her off or do they stay? If they drop her off - let them know that you are not a babysitter. Yeah - it might be rude - but hey - coming over unannounced and taking kids toys home is rude!!
I come from a different background & perhaps this family does, too: I grew up in a neighborhood where we all were in/out of each other's homes & loved it. We just either continued to work on our chores (& the neighbor pitched in) or we sat down for a quick drink/snack & enjoyed the visit.
When we moved to our home 21 yrs ago, we met all of our neighbors. We are also blessed with this freedom to visit at will. At no time has it become offensive or intrusive. In times of stress or loss, it has been a Godsend! In fact, my younger son's Godfather is one of these neighbors. We've been friends for 21 yrs now, & it's sooo funny that he/my DH use the old 3Stooges knock....."Shave & a Haircut"....when they're at each other's doors!
Soooo, I'm on the other side of the fence: embrace diversity. Enjoy a moment of camaraderie between neighbors....they'll be the ones helping you thru death & devastation. We've had 2 tornados hit our neighborhood. When you live thru something like that....age differences & little girls not being taught good manners (by their parents) mean very little. Working together as a team, as a village....means a whole lot more. Open up your heart & your home.....& maybe open your mouth & put an end to the horse thing.....& maybe life will level out! Peace.
You don't have to be annoyed. Those are your things! All you have to do is say "No, sorry little girl but these belong to my daughter. You can't take them home. But you can sure play with them the next time you come over if its okay w/my daughter." If she whines and cries, just take it from her anyway if she won't give it back. Stand up for your kid and her property!
As for the parents, the next time they come over, just tell them it isn't a good time, no matter if you are in the middle of something or not. There is nothing wrong w/setting boundaries. You can still be neighborly and still have boundaries!
They don't know your rules unless you tell/enforce them. If you don't want her taking your kid's stuff home or just coming over whenever, then say, "No, it'll be here when you come back next time. Your mom and I will talk and decide when that will be." Make yourself unavailable a time or two, but then go over and invite them so they know that you're not just blowing them off. Teach them that you don't want drop-ins and that your daughter's toys stay home.
And why the heck is the 3yo developing this closeness with a 9yo?? I think that it's time for your daughters to be busy playing with their own friends, people their ages. Encourage her to find other parents of 3yos.
You're the one that needs to step up here and set the limits/boundaries. If you don't want them to come in when they drop by, say, "I'm sorry. Now isn't a good time. Have a good one." You need no other explanation.
If you do choose to let her play, then before she runs up to the room, let her know that she will not be taking a toy home. If she fusses about it, then tell her she cannot play at your house. It's very simple.
You need to teach your daughter to speak up for herself and say, "That's my horse and you can't take it home with you," and you be there to back her up if the other child doesn't comply.
Hi, Jag:
Have you heard the phrase: "it takes a village to raise a child?"
Now you know why this is said.
Some parents don't know how to say "NO" to their child/ren.
It is your house, your responsibility to keep those in your home safe.
This little girl is not safe to your home and family. It is your responsibility
to care for your family first. If these parents don't have the starch to do the right thing for their child/ren, then you will need to step up to the plate and be the disciplinarian.
Thank God for parents like you.
Good luck.
D.
Two things here:
As Christina said, teach your daughter to speak up for herself, and also explain to her that 3yos are stilll trying to figure out sharing. So have the 9yo come up with some rules to explain to the little girl.
The other thing is, if these people are randomly showing up at your house for playdates, then you need to get them to stop (unless you really don't mind... I would mind, though). Next time they show up, say, "Sorry, now is not a good time." And dont let them in. Instead, give them a piece of paper with your phone or email and say with a smile, "Call or email me and we can set up a date that works for everyone."
.
If they stop by and you are busy, tell them that and that you will catch up with them another time. Don't worry about hurting their feelings.
I would never expect a neighbor's child to lend my child a toy. But I must say that when my 3yo daughter asks for something that belongs to someone else I direct her to ask the owner of the object. Not because I don't want to tell her no, but simply because I want her to understand it is the decision of the person who owns the object, not me. When I do instruct her to ask someone else though I usually prompt it by telling my daughter that the owner may say yes or they may say no, that it is up to them. Basically just to let the owner know there are no expectations.
Perhaps this mother is approaching it the same way? At any rate, your daughter should feel completely free to say yes or no and not feel bad one way or the other.
Let me give you a different perspective. The very first playdate my girls went on was to a lovely family's house who offered that they bring a few things home to borrow. I had never heard of that, and was delighted because it helped end the playdate on a nice note and my kids were happy to leave so they could go play with their borrowed toys. Over the next year, almost everyone we met offered toys at the end of the playdate and we did the same when kids came to our house. It was totally normal.
So... is it possible that this family has had different experiences and expectations than you and thinks it's normal and expected to borrow toys?
Unfortunately, now that my daughters are older, they're making lots of friends who don't do the borrowing of toys at the end of each playdate and it's been awful trying to explain to them that their favorite part of leaving is not going to happen. It's all they've known for playdates so it's like I've told them that suddenly we no longer eat lunch.
I'm a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us. Your neighbors drop in unexpectedly and stay for a while because you allow it. You want to be a good hostess and a good neighbor, but I think you need to recognize that you can be both and still say, "I'm sorry but this isn't a good time. Could you please call before stopping by next time?" Then you don't let them in the house. Tell them through your screen door. Step outside onto the porch to tell them. But don't let them in.
About the little girl taking toys with her on every visit... it's the same exact thing. As soon as it happened more than once... all it took was a second time... you and your daughter taught her that she could leave every time with whatever she wanted if she just misbehaved long enough. So here's what you do. EVEN IF SHE'S MISBEHAVING AND CRYING YOU SPEED THEIR DEPARTURE ALONG AND DON'T PROLONG IT. DO NOT GIVE IN TO LETTING HER HAVE A TOY TO BRING HOME.
I say this as a mother to a special needs daughter who would do this every time to her best friend at my best friend's house. I had to retrain my daughter, my friend, and her daughter! They just feel so badly when my middle daughter would cry (this started in toddlerhood) that they just wanted her to stop because they love her so much, and the sun would come out when she smiles again.
What you need to do now is request those toys back, especially if you let the girl take them with the disclaimer of bringing them back "next time." Be firm about it. It's not like you don't know where they live and they can't go back home to get your daughter's belongings. Be polite, but firm, and kind.
It's about setting up boundaries and you have the right to do so in your own home. People aren't allowed to just do whatever they like.
One of my granddaughter's live with me so all of her belongings are there. When the other granddaughters come to visit, one ineviably wants to take something home. My response is always the same "No, you can't take it home, but it will be here for you to play with the next time you come."
As for them coming over uninvited, I would just answer the door and say now is not a good time. Call me tomorrow and we'll see what's going on then." The thing is, this child is no where near your children's age so for the other family to expect your children to want to play with her, is unreasonable. It does sound like they're using you for babysitting. Also, I would sit the little one down the next time she's there and explain to her that those horses belong to so and so and that she has to ask permission before playing with them and she will NOT be taking any of them home with her. Then, the next time she comes, if she doesn't ask permission before playing with the horses, I would close DD's door and tell her she can't go in there because she didn't ask permission. Since she loves the horses so much, that will probably have an impact and she may remember the next time to ask first.
I hate children like that its very rude.
My step-daugther is the same way.
Alwaya askn for things that arent hers makes me look like a bad mother. My 2 bio daugther who are 2yrs old and 1yrs old, dont act like that, I tell them okay its time to give the toy back. And they do.
But you should probably tell them that youd like a warning after they decide to drop by unexpectedly, and
that your daugther has been collecting her Horses and there very special and dear to her.
My Best-Wishes!!!
Your daughter is 9.
It's her decision and her responsibility to say that she does not want her to take a horse home.
It's not your place. They are your daughter's things and SHE can make & express her decision to the 3 yr old.
Maybe role play it with her so she can express herself when the rubber hits the road the next time?
i would put her horses away where the girl couldnt get to them or even see them. when your daughter wants to play with them she can take them out but tell her to always put them back if she doesnt want someone trying to take them home. no you shouldnt have to do this but i think it may be an easy way to not have to go through the awkward "no that's mine" ordeal.
I'm annoyed for you-in fact, I'm so annoyed, that you no longer have to be annoyed. Tell the mother that going forward, play dates will be at your behest and your daughter's cherished toys will not be taken out of the home under any circumstances and that it's ok to tell one's child- No!
I agree with you - that is extremely annoying. They sound like parents who can't say no or don't want to do it at your house and have you witness the huge scene it will cause. You should kindly and clearly set boundaries with them. Say (with a smile), I enjoy seeing you and your adorable toddler but do you mind calling or emailing first to set up a time to come by? Some times it just is not convenient. Also, my daughter would appreciate it if little Suzie did not play with her prized horse collection or take them home. This is upsetting to her bc these horses are very special to her. Perhaps you could start your daughter her very own horse collection? Thank you SO much for understanding. We don't want to cause any hard feelings. We do love for you to visit but we need a warning bc the girls are often busy with homework and other big kid things. PS - If there are a few older worn down horses maybe put them in a little basket in the livingroom for the toddler to play with when she is there? But still have the rule that the horses stay at your house. That is what I would do anyway!
