Am I Being Unreasonable?? - Park Ridge,NJ

No, men tend to get into their own thing without realizing that they are leaving us with the bulk of the responsibilities with the house and the children. Of course, most of the time we don't mind the work because it is what we do and we do it better, but it would be nice to be recognized or even for the hubby to offer his help. Well S., don't wait on it! My advice is that you are going to have to get used to saying exactly what it is you want without feeling guilty about it. He is going to do what he wants to do and unless you say something, he will assume that everything is alright until you feel you can't take it anymore and blow up. Don't let it get to that point. Communicate with your husband. Tell him what you want, you will feel better about it and he may surprise you. You are not perfect and you shouldn't expect yourself to be. Along with taking care of everyone else, remember yourself too. Good luck.

Well, I understand why you're upset. You feel unappreciated, slightly used, irritated, etc. You want your husband to WANT to be with you and your child, but you feel like he's not choosing that. Friends over family. Work over family. My suggestion-talk to your husband and give him the benefit of at least hearing your side (how you feel, what you want). Try to remain calm even though you feel emotional. I would ask for a trade-off. Book something nice for yourself next year (maybe during the summer) and explain that you will need him to step up to the plate and run the house and take care of the child. That way, you will feel like you're getting something special too and you will have something to look forward to when he's gone on his skiing trip. If he's against you doing that, then you're back to the drawing board about the skiing trip.

hi S.,
i personally dont think you are in the wrong to feel the way you do. i would definately express how you feel...otherwise if you keep quiet and let him have all these plans and activities it will only eat you up inside. you will be the one to suffer. maybe remind him that when you decide to have children their needs come first not extra activites he used to do. maybe start doing things for your self...so you both have a break...or start a hobby. so it is equal. and by him saying maybe you shouldnt have another baby because he still wants to do all these activities is definately wrong and manipulating. i think he needs to grow up and be alot more sensitive to the situation! good luck...stand your ground!!!

Is there any way you both can sit down and come to some sort of medium? My husband was the same way. He was always going to hockey, boy scouts,golfing,hunting,camping and Volunteer Fireman stuff while I stayed home with our daughter (from his first marriage).I wasnt saying anything to him about how upset I was becuase I didnt want to be "that wife." But really he was home maybe 2 nights a week for maybe an hour before bedtime. Even then he was getting everything ready for any upcoming event so it was like he wasn't even here anyway. I would get upset about him going and we would argue but not about what was bothering me. So finally we sat down and discussed these outings he was going on all the time...at first he would say well it's not my fault you dont go out and do things too. But really in all honesty how could I when he was always out? Plus our child needed one person steady in her life. Being with her was what I wanted and I didnt understand why he didnt want to be with her/me too? We have been trying to have a baby (for 4 years now)and I didnt want it to be this way when we did. Finally after a year of sitting and talking about this off and on he finally became reasonable. He still has his hockey on Sundays and he gave up Boy Scouts till we have a son of our own or our daughter gorw up. He is on call for Volunteer on one weeknight and one weekend day/night only. He does all the other events but camping with buddies slowly went down to once a year. That seemed to work in our favor though because his buddies all have babies /kids of their own now so that worked out because they all told him,"Hey we have kids now to put first." Same thing with golfing and hunting. He only goes for 4 days. Before he would go almost every weekend during whatever it was time to hunt for.
So in time if you sit down and can have a rational discussion it can work out.If he is reasonalble. A few times I told him I didnt want to be a single mom (or even the only adult because it seemed like he was being a kid too) and that seemed to get through.
As for the baby part you have to get through to him on the first part to get to the second child. You are already having a hard time with raising the first almost on your own. It sounds like he made his decision based on that he wants to be able to keep up with his extra currcular activities. If he hasn't seen that he is hurting you and your daughter by going out all the time it might not be a good idea to bring another child into the mix.
In my opinion you should say you want to go with him on this ski trip...it couldnt hurt! Good Luck!

Wow. I feel like I wrote this but insert son where daughter is (and he is about 2 1/2) and week on week off shifts for the husband. Wow. Ummm, I feel badly for you, but can offer no advice, only sympathy. I am going through the EXACT same thing, right down to the pushing a 4 day trip to six and "my wife says I can't". Good luck and let me know how you fare.

As for a response from an earlier woman, I have to DISAGREE with the fact that you are being unreasonable- this is NOT about just one extra day, and keeping my mouth shut has NEVER worked. Maybe if we all had her perfect husband. Good luck S..

Hi
OHG, my husband has the same schedule for work. Maybe they work together lol. I hate it and we are always fighting about it. I have 2 children and don't work. He hardly helps me except on his days off and even that is pushing it cause he is always tired. I come to realize if he doesn't go anywhere with me then i have to go or do myself. I used to not, but u know then i won't do anything. Go on the ski trip with or without him(unless others are going). I know how you feel about the baby comment too cause my husband has even said maybe we shouldn't of had baby #2. I love my kids, they are #1 in my life and sometimes i feel he doesn't feel that way! Men want to have there cake and eat it too, if u know what i mean. Good Luck! Maybe we can work something out together.

NO!!!! You are not being unreasonable AT ALL!!! You have a young family and he should understand that those kind of trips should be saved for later years. My husband also works rotating shifts, so I definitely know how you feel. I get upset sometimes when he wants to go golfing for the day if he has already gone several times because I look at his days off as my break (well, we usually split them and he gives me some time to myself to get things done that I have been saving up while he was working and then he gets some time to do what he wants/needs to do.) Young children are very demanding and it is difficult if your husband is not there to support you....and let me tell you, it is only going to get more difficult with baby #2!! I guess I am lucky because my husband would NEVER consider going on an extended trip like that. He had an opportunity to do a one night trip last month and he even chose not to do that because he knew that it would leave me alone with the boys when I really needed him.

I would talk to him (although I know that is hard because I usually end up upset when WE have those conversations!!). Tell him that you really need his support, especially if he is already gone so much that month. Tell him that you really want him to be able to do something for himself, but playing in gigs IS his time away that month and that maybe he needs to find another time to go on the trip and maybe make it a shorter trip. I want my husband to have time for himself, but he needs to give me time too. Also, as far as suggesting not having baby #2, I wouldn't give up on that if that is what you really want. Ultimately, it has to be a decision the two of you make together, but I want baby #3 soon, and I have not given up on the idea just because my husband has reservations. It is your family too and he cannot just dictate everything that happens. EVERYTHING needs to be a conversation between the two of you and you BOTH need to agree on WHATEVER you do - ski trip or baby! You can vent to me any time you want....my husband may be more understanding, but he is no where near perfect (neither am I!) so feel free to email anytime!!

I think it's OK for him to go on this trip, as long as everything is OK at home. Meaning, if he's able to balance between family, work, and family vacations, then he should squeeze a couple of days for the ski trip. However it doesn't sound like he's balancing, and since March is a busy month for him because of work maybe the trip can be moved to February. I personally think 6 days is a long time to be away for a none family trip, but that's my personal feeling. I think trips with friends are absolutely fine, as long as everything else is in place and nothing is being sacrificed to make these trips and the burden of taking care of things at home is not too much on the other person. I know you're in a tough spot, and I'm sure you've talked to him about changing the dates and shortening the trip. On the other hand March will go by quickly, and if he really wants to go, and the options are either go for 6 days or not go at all, then he should be able to go. I know it just doesn't seem fair, but as Moms it's our own fault for not making the same arrangements in our lives. We sacrifice ourselves for our family, and forget about ourselves. So, we get upset because our husbands go about their business and feel it's OK to spend a little more time on their own. Trust me I fall within the same category, and spend any free time with my son. I'm either working or home with my son, and that's because spending time with him is what gives me enjoyment more than anything else. I also have working mother guilt, which makes me feel that I should spend every none working second with him so I don't miss anything. So maybe you can start making girl's nights out, or make plans for a family vacation so you'll have some time together. As a female and a mom I feel your pain, good luck to you.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. By posting this on the message board it is definitely bothering you and it needs to be addressed with him. Being around a little child all day is very demanding. Many places only offer only a few weeks of sick and vacation and for him to use half of this time without you is unfair. Maybe you could compromise with him. Tell him he could go for four days and the other two days that he was going to take, he needs to spend with you or… give you that time for you to go to the spa or simply sleep. Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes it is 60% one way 40% the other but it is a constant give and take.

Oh, it wouldn’t hurt that when you have this discussion with him… you should have a great meal on the table and look good. Call it sexist, or back 30 years but it doesn’t hurt your request. Sometimes men need to be reminded visually and verbally of what is important. After things settle down, maybe you can re-address your desire for a second child.

Hi, I don't think you are being unreasonable but is there ever
any "Mommy downtime?" OR why can't you go on the Ski Trip with him, even if you don't ski? There are plenty of things to do while he is sking. You can relax, sit by the fire, have your nails done, spa treatments etc. It seems to me that your husbands wants his cake and eat it too. I've been married for 34 years and I see this generation, all to often,
taking their separate vacations. I think you both need to go
away together on this vacation even if you aren't together all day but you will be together after the skiing is done in the evening for dinner or clubbing if there is one in the resort which there usually is some type of night life. Alternating shift work is h*** o* a marriage but if there are
days and times that he can be available for your 2 1/2 year old daughter then he or both of you together should do something with her so you don't feel like you are ALWAYS tending to her. I know, being a Mommy is a FULL time job. Most men just don't get it. There are a few select ones who do. I think you need to work on doing more together as a family and not going separate ways. By doing this he will be there to help you out with your daughter and you won't feel as
alone and that you are doing it his way all the time. You also need to explore the 2nd child coming in to your life well. It seems like you'd really like to have another baby and that's a wonderful thing but if you already feel like you have all the responsibility of parenting on your shoulders with your one child you will then have it doubled with your second. Don't rush in to a second child. Try and work together doing more together as a family and try not going your separtate ways. Even if he only runs out to the store and you have dishes on the table to be cleaned...go out with him and clean them when you come home. I know that's a pain but start with little things and see how it goes. Good luck I hope some of my advice works for you if you choose to use it. D.

What do you guys do together? You make it sound like you have basically seperate lives her works you work you take care of your child he plays in a band what to you do together why dont you go sking with him every week you need to set aside quality family time that fits your schedule and the two of you should have date night and for date night you dont need a sitte after the baby goes to bed have desert and wine or a drink together or even just take a bath. Lock the door and enjoy. Relationships and family are and always have been work especially with such a busy sosciety today but if the love is there and the willigness anything is possible. Good Luck

Hi S., You sound so frustrated, I feel so bad for you. How about planning some time alone w/your friends too? Take a weekend or say the 1st Tuesday of each month you and your girlfriends/family/whoever do something special. That way everyone sees it coming- you to look forward to it and he can prepare himself for it. With the shift work, it may be hard but put things for yourself on the calendar but do it as soon as you figure out where he'll be and when. Also, if you can get a mother's helper (to help you w/the house and kids) or a babysitter for a couple hours alone w/your husband it would be good.
Hope this helps sister. We've all been there. A book that helped me w/my marriage was The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Actually worked like a magic wand!(I got it at the library)
:) S.

I definantly understand why you'd feel a little upset. My son is also 2 1/2 and my husband is also working crazy shifts at the moment. My husband does have his days where the guys come over for beer and the game. Or he may want to go out for a beer with the guys every once in awhile, an afternoon of golfing, or some fishing...BUT... what ever happened to taking a vacation together???I don't think we've ever thought of taking an extended vacation time apart. That's our big week or two that we look forward to as a couple after working so hard all year. I think it rejuvenates your marriage and it helps to have something to look forward to all year when it's just you & your husband, and daughter, if you'd like. It's def a neccessary break from the everyday routine. It does seem like to me that your husband is wanting to live his life the way he chooses, a little too much. And who cares if he threatens to tell his friends that he's "NOT ALLOWED" to go. I think his friends should realize he's not a bachelor anymore, he has a family now. And if they're married I think they'd understand. Out of all my married friends, not one of them is allowed to do whatever they feel like. There are always going to be times that either you or your husband are going to have to turn things down, to do what's best as a family. Time to get his priorities in check. Good luck!!

hello, from someone that understands. i think you should sit him down and try to talk to him. explain how you feel. march is only one month, but the question should be, if he can take time to go off skiing, then why cant he take some time for the family? having another child usually becomes the moms responsibility, we tend to take care of the children anyhow. hope all works out.

From the brief glimpse you gave into your life I too agree that you should wait for Baby #2. Focus on what you have, your beautiful baby, spend time with her, enjoy her. Your husband hopefully is going through a passing phase. Goodluck and wish you lots of patience.

Wow, you sound just like me not that long ago. My husband works 6;30am-2:30 pm, and i am a nurse working 3p-11p, we have a 5 year old son, and 4 year old daughter, so working these shifts saves us a lot on childcare. He is also a volunteer fireman, and i have adjusted my schedule so he can go to his drill classes every week, and department meetings. On top of that, he goes on a fishing trip to martha's vineyard every year for 8 days with my brother and some friends. Now, he has asked if i mind if he goes for 2 weeks next year, now i have to use my vacation time when he goes so i can be home with the kids, so i really never get a "vacation". And when we are both home with the kids, i am the primary caregiver, and he can come and go alone as he wishes.Please don't mis-understand me, he is a loving father, and a wonderful, supportive husband, but enough is enough. We had a big blow out over this issue, and i told him that when he is willing to take his vacation time from work to stay home with the kids, and let me go away for 2 weeks alone, then i would consider it. He hasn't mentioned it since. I think men just don't get it sometimes, that we work hard also, and would like some time alone once in a while. They often need reminding of this. If there is enough respect in the relationship,he will sit and listen to why you are upset by all this. My husband pulls the martyr card too, "oh, fine, i'll just stay home and do nothing then", so i know how frustrating it can be.Hang in there girlfriend!! As far as a second child, mine are 13 months apart, my daughter was a surprise, we had to go the fertility drug route for my son, so that in itself is a very stressful time for you guys, so maybe he is feeling that right now too. Well, good luck, let me know how it goes.

Unreasonable....I might tend to agree. If 4-5 days is ok what is the big deal about one extra day?

There are few men who carry an equal share of the child-rearing load. Unless you are planning on splitting up over this, be easy.
Use this to your advantage and only bring it up when it will be beneficial to you. make sure to plan some free time for yourself and remind him then that fair is fair.

I have a similar situation and nagging does not help. I get better results when I hold my tongue. He knows I'm upset and he knows what he did. My silence goes alot farther than 1,000 complaints.

I am in total understanding of your situation. My husband works on average 80 hours a week. I do everything around the house and with our two kids as well as trying to start up my own business. My husband is always canceling on me with weddings/ family parties etc. b/c of his work. He owns his own business. I am an extremely understanding person but sometimes I become extremely angry. Usually b/c I feel like a single mom and don't feel that he relaly understands how much he hurts me sometimes! I usually have to remind him how his actions and the way he goes about things affects me and the fmaily as a whole. I think you just have to pick your battles and be sure to go about it in a calm manner. Nobody is perfect!

I think you should talk to him about having the child and go over the pros and cons. Why he doesn't want another child and why you do. Neither of my children were planned however after the first one my husband didn't want any more. But I wasn't going to stand for that. I couldn't bare having just one child. But as luck would have it we were pregnant without plans so he didn't have much of a choice. But I know my husband is enthrawled with our daughter now and is happy she is in our life. As for me I love having 2 children that are close enough in age to play together. You should be able to figur eout what is best for your husband and situation. I would love to have another child however I know that my husband would freak so I am siding with his decision.

You are absolutely NOT unreasonable!
I would have so much to write that there would be no more space for anybody else so I will just try to make the most important points.
1. Could you go skiing together? There are lots of places that provide day care and nannies in the evening, so that you could ski and spent some time together in the evening as well. We loved Mt Tremblant in Canada (much cheaper than places in the States, and relatively easy to get by car from Princeton area). Plus your daughter at the age of 3 will be big enough to learn to ski!!!! Doesn't he want to have his daughter ski?!?!?!

2. If he really wants to go for a high level type of skiing - let it be for a weekend only (this is called a compromise!) .

3. If he goes for the weekend - you go somewhere as well while he stays with your daughter. That way you will not feel like you are babysitting his child, while he is having fun. Find things you enjoy doing - together with him and by yourself, and while you do your things (gym? coffee with a friend? spa? walk? window shopping?) he stays with your child. It will make you feel much better about hime doing his things. Definitely find time and things that you can do together.

4. Having a baby - have you talked about what each one of you wants? Does he know what and why you want it? Do you know why he doesn't want to have another child? Perhaps he wants to have you back for himself? Perhaps he misses you as a couple and doesn't know how to "incorporate" children into the "couple". I would say it's very difficult even for women and my bet would be that for men it must be even harder. Maybe he needs some time, some break from the diapers and sleepless nights? Talk about it, try to understand each other's point of view and hopefully find a common ground.

Remember - try to understand him and show it to him. Tell him you need him to understand you. Respect each other. GOod luck!

Hi my name is I., i am the same way with my husband. They do alot to help and we appreciate it but i feel like i am always doing it all aswell. i have been married almost five years too. I have a 13month and a almost 3month. I would discuss with him that 6 days is unacceptable period. Marriage is about compromising and letting him go is your compromising knowing that he will be busy when he gets back...But he really needs to see that and compromise the two days extra he wants..my husband gets very selfish so i just remind him that he is being that way.I want you to have another child. I love my babies so much. Just know though that if you go through all the hard work to get pregnant your husband won't be helpful. Atleast not the way you want him to be. i want a third and even though i know he won't be helpful i still wish he would be so its a hard pill to swallow.. Communicate S., its all i can say even though it might make things tense now it will pay off. Let him know your feelings. they sometimes hate that but atleast he knows..... i hope i helped. by the way i am always the bad guy who says NO. His friends know it and its pretty funny now who cares you are the wife..