Advice - So Stressed About My Husband's Job Situation

Gamma G has said everything that needs to be said...he needs to go into a field where he has experience or go back to school.

My DH has a Master's degree in his field and has taken and passed 13 professional exams. He has over 15 years of experience and handled jobs that cost over 100 million.

You know what? He is having a hard time finding a new job in his field because they would rather hire two or three college grads with no experience or licences for the same cost as my husband.

He knows computers, hardware and software...he is very talented and having a hell of a time finding a new job. He is even looking at jobs like a Home Depot and Lowes...with a Master's degree!!

So maybe going back to school might be the best bet for him...is he a veteran? Because he could use VA and GI Bill money for more education.

Good luck it is tough out there!!

Do you have retirement plans? Savings? Anything for the future? since he is 60 I am sure he is just damn tired of working period. What has he to look forward too?
He is having health issues and your upset about it. Why all these skin infections? Cant really do anything till he gets em cleared up. Who wants to work with an infection riddled person. I don't know you or your husband. I have a run on, very long paragraph to read about your situation. I do feel your being a little unfair to a man that seems to be doing what he can to get by. Doesn't look like he has severance or anything coming to him for his job loss soon. Time to be pro-active now.

were you a stay at home mother when your kids were little? He kept you safe and fed and relatively ok?

Its deeper than work related and salary. Even if he was to get a job that paid well it wont help your resentment. That is mental.

He is 60, who is going to hire a 60 year old man, with health issues and no computer skills? really. It will be on you. Not what you want to hear, I am sure. Sometimes things just are not fair.

I'm sorry...I couldn't read the whole thing...it's like one long sentence...

so I am not sure how to help you.

this is what I garnered from your post.
1. your husband is a technophobe.
2. you do everything for your husband.
3. he doesn't make you feel secure.

So you need to tell him that you no longer feel like he's the man of the house. That his lack of ambition and his lack of taking the job hunt seriously is bothering you and causing huge stress in your life.

Make this into paragraphs and print it out and give it to him. TELL HIM how you feel. SHOW HIM how you feel.

I agree with another post here - he seems to be dealing with depression. It presents differently with everyone - particularly with men. I hate to say it - but men frequently do not want to admit they're depressed. They are accusomed to being the ones who protected & provided for their families all those years and now they're overwhelmed by all of the different skills required to do something they are good at. Like selling. If your husband was a great car salesman he probably still is. But now EVERYTHING is on the computer - they have sales software to show what's in the "pipeline" who've they've talked to, followed up with a call, etc. Now a sales guy no longer has to be friendly, knowledgable and persuasive - but also has to enter everything into the system at the end of the day, he'll get these dopey reports from his boss every week to see if he's meeting his goals, etc. Everything is now quantified. I can completely understand his stress & anxiety about it all.

At 54, after working my butt off since I was a teen, putting myself through college, working all the time except for 2 maternity leaves I'm exhausted myself. I work about 30 hours a week and both my boss and my husband have asked if I will come back to full time now that the kids are in high school. I told my boss "not yet". I told my husband - "I will *never* go back to full time". I figure with all those full time hours, short maternity leaves, late nights & middle of the nights with the kids, sick children, etc - I'm to the point in my life where I shouldn't have to strive so hard to survive. Every time we're told there's a new procedure, or new program, or new system I sigh deeply, shake my head and look to that day 6 years from now when my husband retires and I will join him - and maybe get a temp positioni as a receptionist...

As much as you want to put the responsibility back on him I think you also need to show support and your onconditional love - with concern. I'd say soemthing like: You have always been a great provider for our family - all these years when the kids were young we could count on you to take care of us. I understand feeling overwhelmed with how all jobs seem to be done now with computer system follow up and constant supervision of sales goals. I don't disagree that you might need and deserve a sabattical. But we really need another income. I'm not sure what to do - I love you dearly and want you to be content and pleased with your life - I worry that you're just losing enthusiasm and interest in the things you love - so I really, really want you to go to a doctor & get a phsycial exam. I'll go with you if you want. But I think you need to have a diologue with your doctor. Maybe your thyroid is off kilter, maybe you're dealing with anxiety or depressioni. I've heard that sometime just a short course of anti-depressants can jump start your system. I want you to be healthy - I want you to take joy in life in the things that you've always enjoyed. We only have _____ number of years to go until retirement - let's find a way to get there together.

I think compassion and truth are required. The Bible has a passage about how to "correct" others - you need to tell the truth in love. Let's face it - if someone really thinks they're going the right way but they're headed for a cliff it's love to tell them to turn around. Fighting with them won't help. I line I learned a long time ago: "Kind words heal".

Cut the cord. You've been enabling him. Time to stop.
If you have your own job...handle your own expenses. Treat him like a roommate.
I think that's what I would do...stop taking care of him.

Handle the basics as much as you can...mortgage, utilities, etc...But stop everything else. He sounds like a baby. Time for some tough love. Your salary can support YOU.

If he wants to travel, for example...you can buy your own plane ticket. He can buy his. You may need to separate accounts....but he's taking advantage of you. Only you can make it stop.

(BTW: this is how DH and I operate, and always have. Works wonderfully for us, and then no one is worried about 100% of the "family" survival.)

Sounds to me like he is depressed - all of that inactivity and failure to make decisions or follow through are prime examples of depression. He's paralyzed, really - he can't make a decision about this company (and yes, red flags all over - he's going to get burned). I would speak to his doctor and get a referral for a counselor - one that will see you at first along with him, but one he sees on his own. He's 60 - that's not old! People aren't retiring until 70 or so anyway so he can certainly reinvent himself. He's using the computer as an excuse, he's using "dishonest sales people" as an excuse, "long hours" as an excuse. He may be emotionally unable to make a step further right now without counseling.

Yes, you need to stop enabling him. Work with your own counselor if you have to, to find the words and the motivation to tell him that what you're doing isn't working for either of you.

Stop doing his work for him - he can get a free job training class at the state employment office. They teach computer skills and things like that.

His failure to address his health needs makes things more expensive and more risky. I think his doctor and his pharmacist should have good info on his drug allergies so, short of making sure that everything is done at one pharmacy, back away.

Separate your finances. Really. Set up a bank account that does not grant him access. He can pay his bills, including his medical and his insurance, out of his own money. See a financial advisor - your tax preparation person should be able to refer you if you need help. The price you pay will be worth it.

You have to protect yourself. If you have to sell your house to get into something more affordable, do it. If you have to start selling off some possessions (antiques, heirlooms even), do it. It's hard but sometimes it's necessary.

It sounds like both of you are kind of worn out and want the other one to do everything. That's not going to work. But your problem is not really his job situation - it's the dynamic between you two, and the fears you both have that you just, understandably, want to go away. It sounds like you have a daily work ethic and he's too compromised right now. But overall this is a relationship issue and needs to be addressed that way, with some financial advice thrown in.

Good luck.

Has he considered taking civil service exams? Those jobs are offered based on how well he does on certain tests, regardless of age, and they are offered all over the country. Court houses, US Postal service, many gov't jobs are available, but you have to take the tests.
Also, check with your local library and see if they offer free classes on how to use a computer, ours does.

Gamma G said it all and said it so well I couldn't add a thing to it. Wow what great advice you have been given. I would reread Gamma G's excellent post and follow her advice to the letter. God bless and best of luck to you and your husband. M.

I am in about the same boat as you. My hubby's job has been really slow for the past 3-4 years. He just keeps hanging in there and no matter how much I prompt him, won't look for another job.

I think he is now ready because his employer really screwed us over this time. Like your hubby's employer, my hubby's employer is behind on paying him. He bugged the heck out of them on Tuesday to get paid. At 5:00, after the banks closed, employer called and said he had a paycheck for him to pick up in the morning. Well, hubby went in the morning and there was no check. Finally around 3:00 he got a check, and it was postdated!!!! He says he is finally fed up. So, I googled and printed for him all of the businesses in the area that do flooring and he is supposed to start making calls today. I have looked on craigslist and have put in a few applications for him, but nothing yet.

I do think they are intimidated and just don't have any confidence in themselves. I also had to look for work a few years ago, and like you, I put my fears aside and plowed on through and ended up with the job I have now which I LOVE!

I intend to give him some time with just gentle nudging, but at some point I'm going to sit down with him, divide the bills evenly between us and tell him by hook or by crook this is the amount of money HE needs to come up with monthly and if he doesn't, he has to go.

I do not intend to support my husband. I supported a man when I was very young and when I got away from him I promised myself I would never do that again, and yet here I am. It wears on the relationship.

So although I don't have any advice for you, I wanted you to know you are not alone. It made me feel better knowing that.

Well, I just want to say that if you were taking care of children when you weren't working is nothing compared to what your husband is doing now. He is not old enough to draw social security or be on medicare. Whether he likes it or not, he needs to work.

I agree with the poster who mentions depression. Your husband certainly acts like it. He also doesn't manage his health care, though he acts like a baby over his health. He obviously wants you to act like 'mommy' to him, and this point in your lives, you aren't willing to be his 'mommy' and I don't blame you.

I do think that you two have real issues in your marriage. Neither of you are very invested in a loving relationship with each other where you are caring or nurturing of each other. With the pressure you're under, it's not really all that surprising.

As badly as he is dealing with his unemployment, your actions toward him, telling him you won't go to the hospital with him, are not the way a spouse is supposed act. I know you're stressed and sick of this, but really... how would YOU feel if your health took a dive and he talked to you like this?

I do agree with the poster who recommended that you open a separate bank account. You two also need to consider selling your home. I can't imagine that you get much of a tax break with a mortgage payment since you aren't making much money. If you sold the house, you could rent a small apartment, downsize and not have as many responsibilities. Also, if you get to the point that you simply cannot live with him anymore, you don't have so much holding you two together.

I hope it doesn't come to that. But maybe if he sees that you've taken steps to separate your finances and are cleaning out the house, ready to divest yourself of assets, he will get his head out of his rearend and remember that life doesn't stop at 60.

Good luck...