Advice on How to Deal with an Insecure and Bizarre Mom at My Child's School

Hi there,
If it is bothering you that she is showing such resentment for your accomplishments, and doesn't see that you gave her equal credit. You might just go up to her when there are no kids around and ask her if there is anything that you 2 can do together to work through this feeling she has against you. To start over, and be more communitive, and helpful with each other. Specially since you both are working toward the same goal, to make the school better for your kids.

If she wants nothing to do with that, then you have to let it go, and keep your distance.

As far as the field trips goes, like the others have said if you can't attend as a chaperone, go on your own. They can't keep you from providing your own way there & in.

There will be lots more field trips to come.

I hope this helps some.

Have a wonderful life.
C.

Tell the teacher that the other mom doesn't like you, and you'd appreciate it if the teacher would personally assign you to one of the field trips during the school year. Avoid that woman at all costs.

By the way, my kids are ages 7, 10, and 13, and to this day, I've NEVER been selected for chaperoning a field trip. It's always "random selection". I gave up. I don't even try anymore. p.s. You can always drive separately to the field trip location and then join the group when they arrive.

L., assuming that this mom is only bizarre and not dangerous (and you've said nothing that would indicate this), I'd take the high road. It's so important for your children to see, in you, how to handle this sort of "people situation" with graciousness and good humor.

Unlike the first job, maybe this is one the woman can do well. If you lose a chaperoning opportunity, you'll be able to catch up next year, as it were, and your children know you'll be interested in hearing about their activity.

The less you say to them or to anyone else about this mom, the better - especially because I'm hearing some anger in what you write. You know you're secure and non-bizarre! So let the other woman's peculiarities be her problem, not yours. Whatever the reasons for her behavior, some time down the road she may get over them, and maybe even turn into someone you'd be glad to have as a friend. If that happens, you'll be thankful you kept your mouth shut. If it doesn't, you've lost nothing by behaving well.

I agree with a lot of the moms that have given advice. Your view of great ideas and the other mom's views are probably polar opposites. It sounds like maybe your a little bit of an over-achiever or perfectionist. It is impossible for others to live up to a perfectionist's expectations. Sorry:(
That is great that you put so much of your time into helping the school and working on these projects! I am sure most of moms wish they could put the time and effort in that you have. But maybe the other mom has more on her plate than you. She is probably controlling the field trip thing because that is the last thing she has to hold on to. If you can do everything else better than her, then what good is she?

And some people are bizarre and insecure because of the way they were raised. I would hold off on being judgemental about this woman, because who knows what she has been through. Give her a break, quit trying to take all the glory, I am sure everyone knows how great you are!!! I do mean that! Sometimes we have to be humble and just put up with people that frustrate us. THERE IS NO I IN TEAMWORK!!!

I agree with some posts (but not the unnecessarily harsh ones- yikes). Unfortunately, there will always be school and mom politics. I do think the best thing is to stay away from the drama. The old saying that you can't change others, only your response to them seems to apply.

Awesome that you are involved in the school. Good advice to remember you are only doing it for the kids which will deflate the people who are trying to compete with you.

Weird about the field trip. I would definitely keep the teacher out of the drama, but ask if you are able to go if you pay your own way and get there yourself. Beyond that, it might be worth mentioning that having a mom decide who goes could present problems and is there another solution. At my daughter's school, when there is limited space for chaperones, the teacher gets the names of parents who want to go and then has a lottery. Much more fair that way (but still stinks when I'm not picked!).

If you keep in good communication with the teacher, this can only benefit you. They usually stay neutral, but I have found that the politics and personalities rarely escape them. If she sees that you are genuinely interested in helping your child and the class/school and not that you are trying to recruit her to any side of any argument, things should be o.k.

Good luck. I know it can be so frustrating, but try to keep things in perspective. Sounds like you're off to a good start!

Some moms get competative and that sounds like what she is doing. Ignore her and stay out of the drama. Save yourself the stress and worry of dealing with someone that will only cause you emotional trouble.

Good for you and all your hard work. Talking to someone like this tends to cause more issue as they are hard headed and self absorbed. However, it never hurts to try and since when does one parent get to dictate who goes on field trips?????? That is insane. In our school, the teacher asks for volunteers and pretty much anyone that wants to can go along. If there are too many volunteers then the parent has the right to drive seperately in their own vehicle and go to the field trip anyway. NOBODY can deny you to go with your child to a school function, this woman may be playing power play, however just tell her you would like to go and how to make that happen for you, if she denies you then go to the teacher.

You already know why she is chapped, you know her personality and the only thing really to discuss is how she can get over her hurt, allow her to express it and move on. I think you nailed it on the head she isn't going to find anything to be happy about. It stinks to see someone succeed where you failed! :) She did that to herself though.

Good luck!

L.,
You are not considering this woman's perspective. First off, you tell us her ideas were not viable, yet you spent 75 hours on this project. If you treated her ideas with as much respect as you have treated them here, I can't blame her for leaving it all up to you. The fact that she doesn't feel like she can give an inordinate amount of time to one project does not make her lazy, ineffectual, bizzare, or insecure. It might mean she simply has different priorities than you.

You obviously had a pretty clear idea of the direction you wanted this project to go (your artwork and your layout) and perhaps she simply didn't see the point in trying to infuse her own opinions.

I think it is wonderful that you are willing and able to give so much to your child's school. I just think it would be beneficial for you to consider that your view of this situation is not necessarily the only valid one. You sound like someone who has the potential to be a great leader and to really make a difference, but you will be much more effective if you recognize and accept other's opinions and efforts rather than belittling them because they are not as "selfless" as you are.

After this experience, it is hardly surprising that given the option, she'd prefer to give someone else an opportunity to chaperone the field trip. That said, I think the idea of a parent being in charge of who goes on field trips is not wise policy and if I were you, I'd visit with someone about changing it.

We only have one side of the story....yours...and I'm having a hard time evaluating how things unfolded without hearing the other side.

Was this a project that demanded 75+ hours of time at the outset? Or did you take it on and make more of it than was necessary? We're you this aggressive with the other mom about how you felt? Not that being aggressive is bad, I am usually accused of being so, however to say someone doesn't have the 'chops' is a little harsh IMHO.

I've worked with some people that are more than happy to take a task that requires 2-3 hours of effort and turn it into a monumental, over the top project that takes 10-15 hours to complete in their view. And its really hard NOT to become passive aggressive and do only the bare minimum when working with the other person.

I've also worked with people that are flat out toxic and so self absorbed they are impossible to work with. It becomes more about soothing their ego instead of working towards the goal. And no amount of coercion will get them to ante up.

In this case I think the two of you don't work well together. The other mom probably doesn't like you and is doing what she can to distance herself from you in an effort to maintain civility, and not necessarily a power play. Why go out of your way to stay in her path? The two of you are going to create sparks at this point and that's not good for you, the kids or the teacher. Let it go. Evaluate your behaviour, see what you could have done differently in an honest way, and don't surround yourself with other 'yes men' to soothe your ego. Then on the next project maybe things won't turn out so badly form a human perspective.

I like most of the responses... stay away from this mom-not obviously cuz that will only make you look petty, keep volunteering for the school if that's what makes you happy-sounds like you can work deals to benefit the school, don't involve anyone at the school in the situation-tell a few girlfriends & warn them against partnering up w/her on projects but don't "tell the teacher" on her-again, only makes you look petty.
And from a Mom who's never gotten to really chaperone a field trip-if you're able to go all of the time, that's wonderful but if there are other parents who aren't always able to take time off work (I had a smaller one who couldn't always go on the trips), let them go on a few trips. Maybe you can meet up w/them there & be an extra hand, but put it as "I'd love to go help if you need extra hands" rather than "I didn't get picked & I wanna go".
There are some head trips out there, huh?

All of the people who are defending this other mother's actions are not going to like my answer. But here it is.

This other mother seems insecure, incapable and vindictive. She seems like the type that has a big mouth--always talking about what they can do, where they used to work, how many great places they take their kids...BLAH BLAH BLAH...However, when the rubber hits the road, and it actually time for them to lead or help with a project, they go belly up. They have thousands of excuses as to why they couldn't get it done. They sing you some sob story about how they got sick or their cat died--and it's always nothing but a LAME excuse to cover up the fact that they simply could not cut the mustard and DID NOT GET THE JOB DONE.

I have compassion for people, but I'm also a results oriented person. After a while, I get sick of excuses from other people. Especially when it's the same big-mouthed mom doing the same thing over and over again: SWEARING that she will get something done, all the while talking up how great she is, but then FAILING to actually complete the task that she promised to do.

Here's the last point. This other mom that you're talking about is not only something of a bragging loser, but she also seems envious and vindictive. She's using this 2 ounces of control she got to penalize you for making her look small. Losers play that game all of the time. That's why you can't put losers in charge. They take their shortcomings and insecurity out on the "winners."

Working that hard for the school and getting that project done makes you a winner. You don't have to pet her and try to be her friend and think up all the millions of reasons as to why she is broken. You won, she lost, and now she's being small and mean.

Are you sure she isn't being honest and has chosen folks who don't always have time off to be involved in the school so much?

I have never heard of any school that says you can't drive yourself and be at the event with your child. You just can't be a designated chaperone, doesn't mean you can't be there and pay your way in.

On an entirely different note: whenever I get triggered by someone, something or a situation, I realize that this is an opportunity for me to do some healing/release work on myself. Because really all that stuff "out there" is not so important. What's important is how I feel about it and what I do with it. If there wasn't some wounding inside me that needed some healing, I wouldn't have gotten triggered.

There is no right or wrong in your situation for you or the other mom. So whatever you choose to do about the other mom, this could be a great chance for you to look inside and heal.

Good luck.

L.,
First of all, what was your purpose in working on this committee? Was it for the betterment of the school and therefore the students? If this was your sole purpose than I would say to you, "good job". To go beyond that scope is nothing more than trying to justify your personal feelings against someone you don't necessarily get along with. THATS LIFE!

It seems to me that you need to go back to kindergarten and review some of the life skills gleaned at that time. Examples being, play nice with one another, share, and say please and thank you.

L., its not about you or this woman. It seems to me that you have lost sight of why you are even volunteering at all. I would expect you to work out the deals you did and put in the hours you did if it was truly for the benefit of your school and children. Somehow, based on your posting, I believe that you used this opportunity selfishly. If you did the work, as you say, why did you put her name on it as well? You have created your own negative situation and are now weighed down by the burden you created!

Remember, that it was your decision to do what you did. Did you express your feelings to your colleague? If not, then you can't go back now and confront her on something in the past. Some simple form of communication may have alleviated your perseverating at this point.

I am teacher myslef and while I appreciate the hard work and dedication of our parent/volunteers, they create some of the biggest headaches due to jealousy and petty arguments.

Let it go. It sounds like you did a great service for your school and kids. Be proud of that, be proud of job well done. Swallow your pride and vanity and get back to what is important... your kids!

L.-
How I love the obnoxious answers you've received telling YOU to grow up! Seriously!? I have a few moms right now that are like this and it creates a very odd "friendship". I feel your pain! Its hard to get rid of them and there isnt a whole lot you can do.
I'd go with the advice of just personally asking the teacher if you can meet up with the class. Let her know you enjoy being involved and though there may not be a need for anymore drivers, an extra adult is always helpful when you get to the destination. I'd be shocked if they didnt oblige. I'd also recommend taking the higher road. People like this woman eventually self destruct and others will be able to see the woman's true colors without any assistance! You're most likely not the only person that feels this way.
If she asks you why you've come to the field trip just politely say that it sounded fun and your calendar was empty for the day.
Obviously, I'd try to avoid having to do any sort of project with this lady in the mean time. Maybe volunteer for the next project and do it solo.
Others will be able to see whats really going on, but for obvious reasons can't and shouldnt comment on it- take comfort in knowing you're not on the other side of the situation and people don't think these things about you! Good Luck!

I am very active in my daughters school and know a lot of parents that want to do the bare minimum and complain about how others take care of all of the tasks they are not willing to step up and be a part of. I would just blow her off. She is clearly jealous of your organizational skills and talents. She is not worth your energy or time so just stay focused on what you can do and be apart of and her true colors will shine through!

Ah, school and mom politics! Welcome and get used to it! There are alway's super involved parents who do much of the work and some who do little! As far as the field trip you just go, meet them there! Don't EVEN say anything to the teachers, just ask if you can meet them.( they don't need to be in the middle of this)If they say no than move on, there will be a lot of field trips in the future. They need all the help they can get especially at this age. As far as the other mom why are you letting this bother you so much? I have to say it sounds like you took over the project a little bit? Maybe she felt like you were very competent and her effort wasn't needed. Like I said, this will continue as far as diferent people and effort.

You can't change any one, but yourself. Thankfully, this person is not a family member, who would be in your life forever. Understand the problem doesn't originate with you. I suggest that you let it go (forgive her for being a bizarre and unloving person) and then pray for her. Obviously, she has some unresolved personal issues that need resolving.