Advice for Mamas with Relationship Questions...

I would say if you aren't prepared for a range of answers from abrupt to mamby pamby then DON'T ASK THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE..

I believe some people really don't want constructive advice to their problems, they prefer to wallow. When they've exhausted all the helpful voices in their real world there is nothing like people on an anonymous website to fill that ever present need for attention all under the guise of asking for advice.

How's that for blunt?

Is this a pseudo reverse flounce? Lol

I guess I'd say that if a mother keeps her kids at the TOP of her priority list, odds are she won't regret her relationship decisions.

The absolute best answers I read on this site are the ones where the responder shares her (or his) own experience. When it resonates with me, I am much more likely to take any advice they give to heart.

As I have mentioned in a few of my responses, I am currently divorcing my husband. Until I read literally hundreds of questions and responses, I didn't even realize that my husband was/is a controlling and abusive person. Looking back, there were red flags all over the place in our relationship. But love is blind, life events take the focus off of these red flags, and children divert our attention from ourselves.

I don't mind blunt advice. I just appreciate it more if the poster has "been there and done that". My advice to the person who is about to write a relationship question is to ask yourself what you want from the responders. Is it advice, opinions, shared experiences, sympathy, a splash of cold water in the face, or encouragement? Chances are that you will get all of the above. Paragraphs, correct spelling, and good punctuation help too.

My advice is multifold: write clearly, succinctly, and accurately. If you include unnecessary info, don't get mad when people take it into account, and if you leave stuff out, don't be surprised if we make assumptions. Take responsibility for your communication, and don't expect sunshine blown up your skirt. That's what your girlfriends are for.

Well, C., you know me. I'm blunt. Some people don't like it. I would say here what I would say to your face.

Have I told you lately that I love you?!!

I guess I would like to be an optimist and HOPE that MAYBE one day - the poster will listen and say "oh wow!! You ladies/guys are right!! I'm too close to the situation to see the red flags! Thank you for pointing them out!!"

Great question.

I would ask those folks: Type out your post as a file on your own computer and then let it get cold for a day or two. Don't throw it all out there and hit "post" on MP immediately. Let the post sit and then return to it, and try hard to ask yourself if you can read it as if you were reading a stranger's post -- very hard to do, but one can at least try. I wonder if people would catch some of those red flags if they just let their post cool off and returned to it later rather than posting instantly, in the heat of their frustration, anger or upset.

I'm often amazed at how there will be posts with huge red flags in them and the person posting is focused completely elsewhere.

I've been skipping some of those lately.
If they can't recognize dysfunctional there's nothing I (or anyone) can say that's going to help.
I'm not good at blowing unicorn glitter up people's behinds.
Maybe if posters could specifically ask for unicorn glitter maybe people would recognize what sort of 4 part harmony they are looking for on the Kumbaya chorus.
I just have to accept some people - even though they are complaining - are totally happy being completely miserable and they don't really want anything to change.

Well - this is kind of the opposite of the usual post about why can't people be less rude. This is kind of "why can't we be blunt (some people would see it as being mean) and that be ok?" There's the old song "a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down". Some people react to bluntness by being very defensive. I'm probably one of them. Bluntness isn't really helpful for me. So my approach reflects my personality and I to try to say what needs to be said in a gentler, more supportive way. That is what registers with me better. I don't see the need to be aggressive unless someone is obnoxious to me first. Then I will definitely fire back. What you could remember is maybe you need bluntness but not everyone does. If you want to respect people's differences, which I think you would say you do, then it's something to remember. It's kind of why I try not to just yell at my kids when they do something wrong. I don't need to hurt someone's self esteem who is dealing with something not good. I don't consider it wiping someone's bottom. To you, it's kinder to be blunt. But not everyone feels that way. I see it with kids. Some are really sensitive. Some aren't. Each needs to be addressed differently. If I see an off the wall post, I also figure the person and I are from two completely different worlds and I just don't answer. I don't feel the need to give everyone who posts advice.

ETA: didn't think the point of this post was really the question you slipped in...

My advice would simply be this:

Some questions are not good to throw out to a crowd of strangers. We don't know you, we don't know your history with your loved ones, how stable it is, etc. ALL we know of you is what you tell us. That's it. So, write what is important and skip the extra details that aren't, unless you want us to consider them.... because we will.

And know, too, that if 75% or more people are saying "what, are you nuts", "run for the hills" or "that's not a good idea".... there's probably the ring of truth to it. And if you don't like the answers, have a little dignity and self-respect. I don't mind if someone decides to remove their question, but when there's a long bitching session about how the readers are 'stupid' or to "answer the question! Hmmmph!" (stamps her little foot)... it just makes the OP look petty, sad and stupidly in denial.

Funny, I don't know why someone seems to be picking on you directly regarding this question. I don't think of this as your *asking permission* to be direct (which I happen to appreciate), but rather, asking people "What sort of advice could you give a person who is going to ask a complicated relationship question?" I think everyone reads into a question what they want it to be about. I know I'm guilty of that from time to time. I personally enjoy the range of voices. People need to remember it is **FORUM**, not a chorus of unconditional validation. Personally, I think a lot of these relationship questions would be better addressed to one's spouse, significant other, or a counselor, not a bunch of strangers. I could be a troll of a person who screws people over on a regular basis in my real life-- so why on earth would anyone take my advice to be anything more than one person's thoughts is beyond me. (I'm not a horrid person, by the way, but just pointing out that common sense needs to be present when using a site like this one.) Logic.

I would tell most people - "look, you know the answer to this question if you'll re-read what you just wrote."

Most answers come from within - it's just that we don't always want to face reality.

I answer with what would work with me. If you are not like me you may not like it but understand, I love myself and I am treating you no differently than I would want to be treated. Do I love you too, no, I don't know you, but I don't hate you or want to hurt you.

Pam just because you don't see the need doesn't mean there isn't a need. If I were in crisis your advice would be useless and inflammatory to someone like me. That doesn't mean there isn't a need for your advice though because not everyone is like me. Those you would help, those I would not.

What I don't understand is why your personality type seems to believe that your view is the only correct one. I see that your's has value, why do you dismiss mine?

I agree with writing the question, walking away, and coming back to it.

And maybe adding temperament information for all involved.
Many times when women get very upset, they "scream", How could you say that, you don't even know us!
Umm, yes, you asked strangers.

I think certain women have heard the "truth" fom other people in their lives and really don't want confirmation. Or they have had a "feeling" and bad news was confirmed and it hurts. We tend to boil down facts to basics and seeing things in black and white, can be shocking.

Truth is divisive, it's a line that some women like to avoid.

We should not be surprised every time someone chooses to strike out at it. It seems as silly to be surprised by that rejection, as it does to deny the truth.
And that's the truth as I see it.

I think that women should feel open to post what they please. If you have formed a relationship with certain mamas here and your response is snarky, then send it in a private message, don't add fuel to the fire by blasting her in plain sight.

People respond nicer to folk with whom they have built prior relationships.

I take what people write at face-value. I only question it when their own words are conflicting. I've noticed that sometimes when people reply to a poster's literal words, the poster gets upset and responds with, "That's not what I meant." or they add significant details that matter a great deal.

My advice is to say what you mean and tell the whole story. People can't her your voice or see your face, so you must convey everything via the words you type.

I usually say here what I would say to someone in person. When I'm in person with someone, I do my best to focus them regarding what information they give me... meaning, give me only the relevant information. I will pull teeth for the relevant info if I have to. I will sift through the extraneous fluff to pull out anything relevant.

I answer based on the information that's given in the post and yes, if there's history in the person's questions that's relevant then I'll use that too and leave the extraneous fluff. What bothers me is when someone shares extremely important information that is so much more important than the issue they present, but they don't recognize it. They say, "Answer ONLY what I asked! Pay attention ONLY to the details that I asked you to pay attention to!"

My advice is to sit up and ask yourself if the issues you present to us are really the issues you should be focusing on when a majority of people pick up on some serious problems indicated by other details.

I would also say that you can't expect sugar coated responses, nor can you expect anyone to respond ONLY to a very narrow question in a very specific way if they genuinely see a concern or feel that a different response would be appropriate. We're not children that you can dictate what constitutes an appropriate response. We're adults. Therefore, you get what you get, you take what you get, and be gracious about it even when someone gives you something you dislike or you feel is rude. If you feel someone is giving you something that's against guidelines, then quietly report them.

My advice would be to go somewhere else. There is no way to pose the perfect question--too specific and extraneous, not enough detail, looking for cosigners, can't handle "the truth".... Anything close to your heart, find someone who can help you address your concerns, not a large group. It might not even be a terrible idea to follow someone's style on here, someone you think might offer the kind of compassion that you seek, and ask that person directly for advice.

People have their own ideas of what is "truth" and shame on you for not receiving it as such. All it takes is one or two people to not answer the question (because they've answered what they've determined is an obviously more important question--Whose question is it, anyway?) and then your whole thread snowballs into a series of bits of info that you can't do anything with, because they don't address your concern, because no one wanted to be left out of the details of someone else's rant. And when you point that out, you'll get an even larger group of advisors who think that you are merely seeking validation. I'm exhausted just typing this.

Oh, and for the record, we all seek validation. Often times, we can't even hear what someone else is saying to us until we know that we are being heard. That's human. It's not sugar-coating or green-lighting. It doesn't mean that we want to hear that we are right. It means that we want to feel HEARD. Nobody likes to feel jumped on by someone who can't even acknowledge their feelings. If personal feelings aren't to be acknowledged and considered, then why include them in the post?