Adopted Child Asking Questions About Bio-parents.

Tell her that there are good reasons that you can't let her meet her bio parents and that you won't say more about it until she is an adult. When she is an adult, it will be her decision. Right now, it would mess up her mind. You are her family.

As to the person who called her parents "unfit members of society" - please don't ever say that to her. She is their flesh and blood, anything negative you say about them is a direct reflection on her> I worked adoptions for CPS and believe me you can always say something kind about parents. Describe the way they looked, any hobbies they enjoyed, anything pleasant you noticed about them when you met.

Curiousity about birth parents is not a rejection of the adoptive parents. If you do choose to meet her, I promise all of your hard work in raising her will not be undone by a one hour picnic. Even the most questionable of characters can generally behave acceptably for an hour in a public place (CPS requires parental visits during early phases of custody, some foster/adoptive parents are willing to continue them when not court ordered to do so). Kids are amazingly able to handle relationships with numerous people. More people to give them attention and love can be a good thing. I've seen it work many times. However in this situation, you have no idea whether the bio mom has any desire for a relationship.

If she does it doesn't have to be a big deal and it doesn't have to be scary. Meet for lunch once or twice a year. Your daughter brings some art work, awards, pictures - things to share to keep the conversation moving. The bio mom tells her she is a lovely child and that she is very proud of her (wiht your coaching if necessary). and you go your separate ways until next year.

There is no magic age for meeting. But honestly 9, 10, or 11 is probably better than the teen years - emotional roller coaster and not always logical thinkers. I would say now or late teens are the best options. The benefit of now is that you control the access at this age if the bio mother has any boundary issues.

Good Luck

I was adopted at 2 mo. I have an older brother that was adopted and a younger brother that was also adopted. We always knew that we were adopted growing up. Our adopted mom always said we could find our natural birth family when we were 18yrs. My older brother found his birth mom at 20 yrs. It was good. I found my birth mom at age 20. I think that was the right time for me. Being adopted, you have so many questions and I can relate to your daughter. Everytime you look in the mirror, you're faced with it everyday. My experience was a wonderful one and I included my mom ( adopted mom) every step of the way. And now I have a extended family, because of it. IF you or your daughter want to know more you can e-mail me. Being adopted is a BLESSING. Our family(adopted parents) is truly special and we all have found our natural parents and we are still close as ever with our parents(adopted). They are our parents because they raised us and loved us. And that will never change.
K.

My fiance had a similar situation, but was never told. Mom had him when she was very young, and his bio father was abusive, so she drove him away. When he was about 5, she promised dad's fam to tell him everything when he turned 18 if dad would give up rights and let the step-dad adopt. She never told, and just last year he met his bio dad and family. He feels like he's been cheated because he was never given the option to know. He had another set of grandparents, even sisters that he never knew existed. His father has mellowed considerably and is a good person now. Now, we cant invite his mom to our wedding because the extended family will be there, and she doesnt know he's been spending time with them. When he tried to open up and explain it, his step-dad got really angry, saying his sister (step-dads) never should've let the info slip - the only one with a right to be angry was Kris, who at 35 still couldn't be trusted to make decisions about his own life. I guess the bottom line is, give her the ability to choose whether or not she wants these people in her life. Its common nature for us to be curious about where we come from. If they're still crappy people, she'll know what you saved her from, and have some closure. If they turn out to be halfway decent, she'll gain a little more family. She wont love you less and her biological parents more. Even at 9, she'll understand that you opened your home and heart to her when staying with the bio's wasnt an option. You are her true parents, regardless of blood, and that will never change. And in being open and honest, you'll gain her trust, and the ability to be open and honest with you. I hope my story helps you in some way, I'm sure there's a book out there somewhere that deals with this situation. If not, there should be. :}

It is not uncommon for 9 year old girls to want to meet their birth parents. The first question is do they want to meet her? IF the answer is yes, then you might want to think about having them assessed by a therapist familiar with adoption issues to make sure they are stable enough to be able to meet your daughter without causing problems. Let the therapist guide you. If the birth parents refuse to cooperate, you know your answer. They are not ready to be responsible for their behavior yet.

For this to be successful, the birth parents have to be able to support your being the parents of your daughter. They have to be able to be honest about not being in a position to be good parents when she was born and could not take care of her so they made sure she did get good parents.

Hope this helps.
S.

Since she is asking you about her biological parents, I think you should tell her what you know. Be as gentle as you can, but she asked! I don't think 9 years old is too young. Kids are a lot more mature these days than they were in the '60's. Inform the bio-parents that she is asking about them, and find out if they want to meet her. It is perfectly natural for adopted kids to be curious about "where they came from". Good luck.

Hi B.,

I have a 15 year old adopted son. It, like yours, was an open adoption and we have had to deal with the questions. My suggestion is to talk with your daughter and explain that when she is older, say 15 or 16, you'd be open to her meeting her biological parents. Explain that they have made some poor choices in life and they are not in a place in their lives where meeting them would have a positive outcome. Your daughter sounds like a mature girl for her age and talking with her seems to be the only option. Save the details until she is older and can understand without taking it deeply personal. Don't talk bad about her bio's. Know that regardless of her age, when she meets them she might internalize their poor choices and feel that she too, will make the same poor choices. It might be helpful to get her into counseling now so that she can come to terms with being adopted in a very positive light.

Our son, while he has always known he is adopted, and he has met his birth parents, is still struggling with the notion that he was "given away". His birth parents were teenagers and incapable of raising him but he still fantasizes about being raised by them instead of us despite the fact that they are no longer together. We have him in counseling and he is learning to deal with the fact that he wasn't "given away" because he was bad or broken, but they lovingly chose a family to love and care for him because they couldn't.

Good luck...my thoughts and prayers are with you.

W. Q

That depends on your daughter, but 9 sounds way too young. I was adopted as an infant & my parents always said when I was 18 they would help me if I wanted to. You have the right/obligation to protect your child from what sounds like might be a bad situation unless/until they are no longer involved with drugs etc. as well as to dictate when & how any introduction will happen while she is still a minor. She may not like it, but I think "I'm sorry, but it is not a good time for you to meet your bio parents, I will be happy to be there for you when you're 18 (or some other age) if you still want to meet them then." is a perfectly acceptable answer. I also think at some point, (maybe not now, but maybe so), she will be mature enough for you to tell her the truth (not that you should lie now, just don't share specifics) someday though..."Your bio parents were not able to take care of you b/c they were ill/addicted to drugs and it was so important to them that you be raised in a nice home with parents who could take care of you & love you that they brought you to us." would be fine.

At 9, I wouldn't bring these people back into her life, even if they are clean etc...maybe give her the chance to write them a letter that doesn't include any specifics for tracking her down, or get in contact with them yourself (or through an attorney) and tell them that she wants to know more and that you would like for them to write a letter to her without specifics that gives her a little more information about them. That may satisfy some of the curiosity and allow her to move on until she is more mature. I recall at some point, although I don't remember how old I was, that my parents let me read some kind of an info sheet on my parents that didn't have any identifying information(mine was a closed adoption) that gave me some basics about my parents (i.e. graduated hs, like psychology etc.) but not much more. That definitely was helpful in providing me with some info without really putting me in a position where I could have been hurt by direct contact. Maybe giving her the opportunity to write letters would help, I also recall that my parents used to send xmas pics/cards to the adoption agency which made me feel better because it assured me that if they wanted to find me there would be a trail so to speak...you could possibly allow her to do that through an intermediary.

All in all, I think it really depends on your daughter's emotional and mental maturity, as well as the intent/situation of the parents. So, really, there is no "right age." I imagine that there is the possibility that they could all meet, talk for a while & never want anything do w/ eachother again...but the possible consequences if that is not the case and someone wants more could be very harmful/dangerous to her well-being, particularly if they're still involved in illicit activity, and really warrant serious consideration of whether that would be the best thing even if you hold off for 5 or 6 more years. I definitely don't advocate lying, and I think you should be honest as is age-appropriate, but you are not obligated to make them and all their info available to her.

It's healthy to be curious. As long as she's under the care of a psychologist where she can talk about this(even one at school...or the one at school can refer you to local agencies if you need assistance) I think it would be fine to meet them as long as the bio parents were ok with it too. Adoptive kids can feel it's their fault someone abandoned them...this can actually be good for her to realize it wasn't her...but them...which can be a good thing for her self esteem. My dad is adopted and has always had questions and my grandmother died years ago and so he never got answers...give your daughter that choice to find the truth. I hope this helps.

My daughter is 7 and has never met her father. She has asked some questions and I have told her that when she is older we will sit down and talk about him because I just don't feel that she is old enough to understand what the situation was. I have told my daughter that if she wants to locate him when she turns 18 that I will help her, but not until then. You have to make the decision as to whether or not your child is mature enough to know and understand the situation and set an age as to when you feel she will be old enough to understand and and make an appropriate decision for herself about meeting her biological parents.

I, too, have an adopted son. I have many friends who have adopted children. I have an older male friend who was adopted and met his birth mom at 35 years of age. I have been advised by everyone to avoid my child meeting his biological mom while he is under 18 and in our care. I feel that meeting her would be a shock to his system, because of her lifestyle. I also do not want her influence in his life until his own morals and code of living are well established by what we have taught him. The man who met his birth mom at age 35 said that he still was not prepared for what he discovered.

We have answered our son's questions about his ethnic background and culture, because he wanted to know "what he was." He seems very content with what he has learned thus far. He does know some of his bio mom and dad's behaviors which were not good (only when he was older-he is 14)because his early health was compromised by these things. I pray god give you the wisdom to walk this thing through with success! Blessings!

Dear B.,

I think that you should wait until she is about about 14 before you let her meet them. I know we can't protect our children from all hurts but at that age she will be a little more mature and more able to handle rejection if they don't want to know her.
G.

Well first is she a mature 9 year old? If so then I would try to get in contact with them on the side and just talk to them and see how they are now and how they feel about meeting her. Alot of things can change in 9 years. And if they are still messed up at least you can tell her you tried when she gets older. But you never know what has become of them. I had a friend that her sister was adopted out and mom straighten up but dad didnt and mom would love to find her to atleast try to become a friend, but it was a closed adoption through the state so she hasn't had any luck.

Hi B.,

I'm adopted too ... I am not surprised that she is asking and wants to know more. I mean... think of Moses, adopted out of slavery and into the king's palace, and still he identified with "my people" and his mother. (Holy writ doesn't call her his bio-mom, just his mother.)

My suggestion with a nine year old. Be honest. It isn't likely that her birth parents are in a position to meet your daughter. It is possible to say that "they felt trapped by choices that were hurtful, and planned a better life for you" without saying "the louse was a drug dealer". Being honest doesn't mean revealing everything you know :)

For example, some adoptees I know were removed by CPS, saying that "your birth parents loved you very much" would likely be inaccurate and confusing.

There are some people I know whose fathers (not adopted) pay little attention to their children, and it hurts the children. It is hard to handle feeling rejected as a child, no matter what the situation.

May I suggest a counselor with expertise in adoption issues? It was a godsend for our family. There is almost always some underlying feeling of rejection on the part of a child whose birth parent isn't parenting them, for whatever reason.

What a heart-felt situation ... you definitely can not lie to her but you can soften the story by not giving her all the details. Those will most likely come out and it shouldn't be from you. Tell her their names. You can say they still had a lot of changes in their lives going on and her bio. mother knew a baby needed more than she could give or handle. Tell her you prayed for God to bless you with this beautiful baby and she came in to your life and family. Has the mother expressed any interest in seeing her? If so, you could all meet for lunch somewhere (make it comfy for you all .. it could be somewhere special or a park for an informal picnic). If she is asking, it's time to tell her more. If the bio-mother hasn't asked about seeing her or doesn't want to see her, I would tell her that person needs more time before a visit. Tell her that is all in God's hands and you just can't worry about or plan these things. Things will work out in their own time. Please NEVER use the word "mistake" when talking about this part of your daughter's life to her.

Hi B.,

I commend you on the adoption; one of the most unselfish acts of love there could ever be. However, for myself I elected a closed one to avoid what can sometimes lead to altercations down the road. It just simplifies things with no dramatics later on. My brother is a lawyer in this field. Some go well, many do not. It often stirs up unnecessary emotional entanglements and complications. An adoption is raising as one's own child; not sharing with the bio parent later.

In any case the baby makers, unfit members of society that they were, seem to be respecting your privacy. Impress upon your little one the kindest thing they could have done was give her to you. Your daughter is curious. That won't go away since she knows of the information you have, but I agree with many here not to allow her to see them now. When she is grown up she can do what, when and where she wants. Let her know that.

For now, she should have a solid foundation and relationship with YOU and your family. There's time for all the other nonsense later. Children do seem to mature faster than we did, but 9 is still 9. And by the way, so what if she found out that you withheld what you know. If she resents it later, she'll get over it. YOU and your love and protection of her are what's important here. You had your reasons and they count for something. I hope she is wise enough to figure that out when the time comes....if it comes.

She can still pursue her quest. You're not locking the door. She's free at that point to satisfy her curiosity and seek them out.

All my best in whatever you decide, and God bless.
Sincerely_____________

I would explain to her that her biological mommy couldn't keep her because she had made some mistakes in her life, and that you would be willing to check and see if that mommy had corrected those mistakes or if she was still having problems.

Let her know that you want to protect her the same way that her biological mommy did by giving her to you. And that even though it may be hard for her to understand, it may not be best that she meet them right now.

Maybe you could check into her and see if she is still into drugs. If she is be honest with her to a point and let her know that she is safer without meeting them right now. Kids at 9 have the ability to understand more than what we think they do. The more open you are now, the better off you will be later.

I am in a simular situation. My almost 9yr old has asked in past about bios. What i have narrowed it down to is: for now it isn't possible to connect them at this early age. But, when she turns 18 and is still interested in finding her bio mom i will do everything in my power to help her. Until then be thankful she has a family and more love than she can stand. I never talked bad about bio's i have told her bio had some problems she was unable to control and that is why we have her. This wasn't an open adoption bios rights were terminated. But our 2 yr old sons bio is open and i send her pix (when she asks) although she hasn't but, i will tell him the same thing when he gets older and has questions. Good luck and be there for her. God bless you and your family.
P.S. TECHNICALLY AN OPEN ADOPTION IS JUST THE FACT YOU KNOW WHO BIOS ARE AND BIO KNOWS YOU. THERE IS NOTHING SAYING YOU HAVE TO CONTINUE CONTACT ONCE ADOPTION IS FINAL.

Hi, B.,
I have an adopted sister that was an open adoption as well...her father denied her and her birth mother commited suicide. She eventually wanted to meet her father-and other siblings, when she was around the same age as your daughter. It was a sad and hurtful meeting, but she got over it rather quickly, as this was just a stranger in reality. Before they are old enough to get a mental picture and idea about their parents is a good time, in my opinion, to introduce them to the strangers. And I am sure this is all it will ever be with the history you describe. As you know from the other two you have, you can't always keep them from being hurt as they grow, you just have to be there to support them and help them learn from each experience. Good luck...
M. T

Hi B.,
I am 30 today lol, but I was adopted when I was 10 months old.
My parents were always open with us about where we came from and who our parents were (I have two brothers that were adopted from a different family). They told me when I was very young, and I think while you should be open and honest with your daughter I am not sure she is at an age where I would consider them meeting. And don't worry about your place in her heart at all, no one will ever come close to it. I meet my biological mother when I was 22 and we still talk but I am not sure even I was ready for what would come with it and I was much older than 9. There are boundaries that my biological mother just doesn't get so that frustrates me, and i am 30 so i don't know how a 9 year old would be able to deal with it. Just tell her that everyone who is adopted feels they have a need to meet there biological parents but that it is something that should be done after much consideration and maybe even let her talk with some other adopted people and get there take on it first. I am sure there are plenty of adopted people out there that would be willing to discuss it with her. I hope that I have helped a little.

Hi B.! Our son is 10 1/2 and adopted. He has always known from a very early age. When he was three he put his arm next to mine and asked why he was a different color than we are. I explained adoption to him and what it meant on his age level. He has asked very few questions about his birth mother over the years. I don't have a lot of facts, but I always answer him by telling him what I do know (age appropriately), and reinforce that she loves him very much. I also told him that if he wanted to find her when he reached 18, then I would do everything I could to help him.
On Christmas Day and his birthday, I usually mention to my son that I know that his birthmother is thinking about him and I always say a special prayer for her because I know those two days have to be very difficult for her. I do know her name, but he has never asked. I believe that I would only give him her first name at this age if he did ask, though. When he turns 18 and if he expresses an interest in finding her, I will give him all the information I have.
So, it sounds like you are doing exactly the same things that I would do and have done. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck!!!