It doesn't feel good to know our son has significant issues with ADHD and learning disabilities. It all came to a head for me over the last week when I realized just HOW hard it is to keep up with the day-to-day demands when I am constantly fighting for academic services for our child, dealing with behavioral issues with our son, and trying to carry on the rest of our life. When I look back, I realize that i've been advocating and basically managing our son's needs for the past 5 years and I'm TIRED. I went to my therapist yesterday for support. It was helpful in that I was able to really come to grips with how much work it is to cope with the day-to-day demands. Normal parenting is tough. But this kind of parenting is exhausting.
Thank you to those of you who have been supportive and who have shared your experiences. This is quite the journey. It's exhausting and unfortunately, i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. Every time I think that i have it figured out, i'm reminded that our son is changing and his needs are becoming more obvious and more challenging in ways.
I am MOST challenged with living in the moment and finding joy in the small things. It's hard when i feel under stress the way i do. My poor husband and I can't seem to catch a break.
I guess what i'm looking for here is for other moms to tell me that i'm not crazy and that our experience is normal, given what my husband and I deal with on a regular basis. Are you tired? Is it challenging for you to have the energy to give to your spouse? Has your life turned out the way you expected?
I have a similar life and it IS hard! I gave up on the public school system and am now home schooling realizing how big the gaps truly are. Yes, I'm tired. If you every feel like "talking", PM me and we can support each other. Hang in there Mama!!!
My son has inattentive type ADD (sometimes called girl-ADHD) and is high functioning on the spectrum. Advocating seemed like a full time job for years. Medical stuff, school stuff, social stuff...you name it. But those years have paid off. Between support at home and the services and therapy he needed, he's advocating for himself most of the time now as he finishes his Junior year of high school.
I can tell you this - it initially got harder before it got easier. It sounds like you might be in the uphill portion right now. It is normal to be exhausted on a regular basis.
It hasn't caused any issues in our household or my marriage. His dad is a hands-on, all-in kind of guy. Although I am the organizer and planner, he's right there doing what needs to be done. My worries are his worries, and so on. It is even more super important that spouses are a Team and on the same page. He holds you up, you hold him up, and you both focus on your common goal.
I don't want to sound trite, but don't forget to make time for yourself. Not your kid, not your husband, but You. Something you like/want to do with some free time. It has to be without guilt or second guessing, or it won't work. If you burn out, you're no good to anyone.
My experience has been a lot like Jill's although I'm still very new to all this. Our son was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 1/2 years ago, but the Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis didn't come until about 6 months ago. That felt like a lot of work and a long road.
However, having a diagnosis is one thing. Knowing how to help your child is an entirely different question.
Our son has gone to a social skills therapy, receives speech therapy (which includes social language and can be so much more than making sounds and articulation) and occupational therapy. This summer we are going to try counseling. Some services have helped more than others, and his needs do change so we have to be ready to change.
Our son was not successful in the traditional school. There are so many reasons, and a different neighborhood school might have been just fine for him. We were given the option of a school that had "structured classrooms" and 1:3 (or 4) staff:student ratio. We are very fortunate, because that school has made a huge difference in his life. (And they do not have homework! But we make sure he reads a lot.)
I agree with Jill that this can be an exhausting road. You are most likely not an expert in ADHD or in special needs, yet your son's teachers may turn to you for advise on what to do. That used to make me cry at night. I just felt so helpless! How the heck was I supposed to know what to do? I just kept putting it back on them. They need to be communicating with the special ed teachers at the school who actually do know about my son's needs.
This is going to be a little like when you had your first child. Sometimes you tried something and it worked. Sometimes you had to try 7 or 8 different things before you found something that worked. But now you have 7 or 8 more tools to try next time. Then when your second child came along, you had more tools to begin with. That second child still did things that made you ask other moms for some new tools, but you most likely also felt more comfortable and less stressed. That's kind of what's happening here. Right now you don't have too many tools, but you are learning. You are finding more and more things to try.
There are always going to be days that completely make you feel like you are starting all over again. But those days will start getting further and further apart. Keep working with him, keep talking to the teachers, tell them when you don't know what else to do. Things will get easier.
A million yesses to this! Honestly, my marriage didn't survive ADHD. That certainly wasn't the only issue by a long shot, but the behavioral problems that come with ADHD and our differing approaches to dealing with it left us often at odds with each other over how to best parent our kids. Two of my sons (now 19 and 13) have ADHD, my youngest son and step-daughter do not. The older one also had learning disabilities and was on an IEP at school. The younger one is very bright and qualifies for only a 504 plan. My ex husband also has ADHD - it was diagnosed as an adult and has not been effectively treated. He is a shining example of how NOT to handle it. He has a very short fuse and no empathy, so he would come down very h*** o* the kids and accuse me of coddling them, favoring them, etc. You'd think that having ADHD himself would give him extra insight into what it's like but he was so wrapped up in his own issues that he didn't have the bandwidth to consider what's best for them.
Homework was the worst. With my oldest, we did the HW battle all the way up until he graduated from high school - he handed in his last assignment the day before graduation, which was 5 days after grades had closed for everyone else. My 13 year old has been a HW nightmare all year. He has extra help at school, a baby-sitter after school to help organize him, access to assignments on-line, plus help from me at home and still lies about not having assignments, claims he did them at school, etc. It's exhausting. I try to disengage but he's perfectly happy to fail, so that's not really an option. Right now I've had his phone for 3 weeks and he doesn't get it back until all of his outstanding work is complete. We go to counseling, I've attended executive functioning workshops, read a ton of books, and am always looking for something that will work but at the end of the day, he just needs to own this and is at an age where he should be able to do so.
I can tell you that for a lot of kids, it gets better as they get older. My oldest take 3 classes per semester at community college while working full time. He needs to re-take one of his classes from this past semester but it's not from missing assignments, it's just that his assignments sucked and he didn't avail himself of help or let anyone (like me!) know that he was in trouble. So still a work in progress, but at least he goes to class and does the work, and is thriving at his job. The next step is to get him to speak up early if he's having trouble and use the academic resources available at school or home to help himself succeed in the classes he's taking.
Anyway...it's not just you. ADHD is hardly the most difficult thing in the world, but it really is grueling and stressful for families to constantly have to figure out how to best support the ADHD family member(s) until they get old enough and mature enough to manage their own care and coping strategies.
Mine are now 17 and (almost) 15. I've not had to "fight" per se - but I've had to advocate for both my sons. It IS tiring. You are NOT alone.
When you find yourself feeling like you're going to scream? Breathe. Really. I know I say that a lot - but BREATHE. At that time, know it's JUST THIS once...(we know it's more but you tell yourself it's just this once) look around you and see what you have - not the material things - but your children and your husband - smile and press on. You've got this!
Is my life the way I expected it to be? No. I actually thought I was going to be a physical therapist. That's what I went to school for. I thought I was going to have 4 to 6 kids. I never thought I would be divorced once. Now? Going on 20 years in October.
Hello L. L ... No you're NOT crazy, although at times I felt the same way you do right now.
My son was such a handful, that I had to work nights.
Don't worry, most boys outgrow this, but not soon enough.
I thought my son would end up working at McDonald's. Lo and behold, two years after highschool, he decided to go to a technical school.
He is now VERY successful, with three daughters, a wife and a GREAT job. I didn't see that coming when he was 7 years old.
Stick with him ... As hard as it is on you, it's harder for them. Be patient, consistent, and loving. It'll all be worth it.
To answer your questions, YES my life turned out better than expected. YES my spouse and I learned that we needed OUR time (maybe not as much as we'd have liked), but we made it work. You'll get through this. Find a support group for ADHD. They're out there, Google it.
Good luck and God bless. :-)
ADHD is tough. Our son (10) has it and we have been able to start him on medication, which has massively helped. (To anyone who criticizes our use of meds-- they can go soak their heads. They don't live this, we do.) His sense of self has vastly improved, he's more confident, and tolerates his own mistakes (and mine!) much more readily. He's more flexible and not so h*** o* himself.
We pulled our son out of public school and have homeschooled for a year. This has helped us so much.
His ADHD (along with my own, if we are being honest) fueled a lot of anxiety for me, especially pronounced when I was trying to work *with* the school on helping him. It was a vicious cycle: he was feeling anxious about school (also being bullied) and with his tics and anxiety kept him from being able to take medication for the ADHD itself. It took about a year of lower-stress learning at home and feeling safe to get him to the point that he can now take medication without setting tics and other nervous behaviors off.
We have had help through counseling, a handful of evaluations, and a supportive group of friends and family. My husband and I did a lot of counseling earlier in our relationship, so I think we had more coping skills. We also took workshops and I have done a lot of research.
It can be very stressful, some days. Parenting generally is, even with typical kids, you know? I try to put him in charge of some of his own decisions and let him feel the consequences of them, good or upsetting. He's responded well to this. I can only do so much, so ultimately, part of the responsibility belongs to him. We are also helping him pursue what he loves academically while also getting the basics covered. I think this was the right path for us.. yeah, not for everyone, but my kid is so much happier, and so am I.
Here's something you might consider, too...
https://hbr.org/2016/06/resilience-is-about-how-you-recha...
No, It's trying and exhausting and you lose yourself in it.
If he's not on meds, get him on meds. Ritalin was a miracle drug for us. He started out taking half a pill at school, after breakfast. It lasted until about noon then he was down for a nap in Pre-K. Ritalin has been around a bunch of years and it's a good stable med. It's not a time released med. For our boy those didn't work at all. He didn't need them on the weekends and after school.
In Kindergarten he took half a pill at the same time then took another half after lunch. In first grade he took a whole pill after breakfast then a half at lunch.
After school he was drug free since Ritalin goes completely out of their system in 4 hours. We could manage him by how we gave his meds.
If your boy is on meds but he's still having this many issues then he's on the wrong meds.
Get his 504 plan in place, google it if he's on an IEP instead. One of those programs is his legal right. Probably the IEP since you mentioned other issues.
