A Third Walk down the Aisle

hee hee!!
i'm TOTALLY with you. my eyes would be doing some serious rolling.
but only to myself. if she wants yet another big expensive fooferall, well, more power to her. i'd show up in my fancy hat with a nice gift and be genuinely thrilled for her.
and eyeroll to my dh on the way there and back.
:D khairete
S.

It's a party - who cares if it's over the top or not?
I would stick to a civil ceremony if it were my 3rd go round.
But apparently they have the money or they have no problems being in hock up to their eyeballs so what does it matter to you?
Give them a nice crystal candy dish or pair of candle sticks, enjoy the party and leave it at that.
Repeat as necessary for 4th, 5th, 6th, etc go round.
But you never know - this might be a match that will last!

Well it's their $ to spend as they wish, right? And you'll get a good meal, dancing and drinks all for the cost of a wedding gift. I just don't see the problem, but I actually love attending weddings.

Life has so much sadness.

Celebrate BIG the happy times.

I think it's kind of healthy to have a safe place, or a trusted friend, to share opinions with, and to express our thoughts. Some discuss things with their spouse or partner, some with a good friend, some on anonymous forums like this.

It's interesting to read others' opinions, and I think it's ok to admit that you have some reservations, or actual misgivings, about this event or any other situation. That's appropriate. It's ok to ask what others think. Sometimes the opinions we get from our trusted friends or impartial bystanders help us focus our own thoughts, help us realize where we could perhaps be a little more receptive, or help us realize that what we're thinking is pretty much what everyone else is thinking too. We can get strength and insight from other people.

My opinion on a third fancy wedding is, if it's not a financial strain, and if the bride isn't trying to fool anyone into thinking she's 19 and pretending that she's a blushing young virgin, then it's ok. Let her have fun. And if I attended, I would smile and have a good time, being secure in my own thoughts but wise enough to never let a single other guest know that I was anything other than happy and joyful! Personally, I agree with your opinion, about the fancy event being over the top, but just keep that classified!

I think they can have the wedding they want.

I think your reaction is what people used to think - back when divorce was shameful, being a non-virgin was a disgrace, and second marriages were to be downplayed and not celebrated. Now that women are actively working and have their own money (vs. expecting parents to pony up the money for a second or third marriage), why not? This couple has different friends than she had at the last marriage (because the fiancé has a guest list of his own), and there's no reason why they shouldn't have just as much fun as they would have if he were marrying a never-married-before bride. But even if he had been married before, I think it's fine for them to celebrate openly and not hide out in a courthouse ceremony with a discreet luncheon somewhere. That used to be dictated by society, but I think things have modernized so much in the last 20 years.

It sounds like they want to put on a celebration and party for their friends, and not that they are just being greedy in terms of a gift registry. So you are right to treat this as a great date night for you and your husband, and I hope you will be able to take the next step to embrace the whole event. I think it's nice that her children will participate - it helps to cement the blending of this family and their welcoming of their stepfather.

It might be ostentatious, but lots of first weddings are, so why not this one? If it's "who she is", she should embrace that aspect of herself. As for being pretentious - probably not. Bad form? Again, it comes back to not being embarrassed that her other marriages didn't work. In the old days, a 2nd (or 3rd) marriage would be quiet and then the couple, fairly well off perhaps) would head off for a European vacation or a cruise. Still big bucks, but just for the 2 of them. This way, they are sharing their resources with their friends and family.

As long as she's not blowing her kids' college funds on this, I don't see a problem.

I would let her have her day. Friend of mine had a beautiful, formal 4th wedding. She's twice divorced and her 3rd husband died. Who am I to deny her a big wedding if that's what she wanted? She was radiant. You also mention that this is his first wedding, so I would not look at it so much as her third but his first and just offer my support sans judgement. Go enjoy the evening with your DH and be happy for your friend.

So it's not the wedding YOU would have planned. Hey, it's not YOUR wedding. It's the wedding SHE and HER FIANCE want.
All that is being azsked of you is that you show up, shake hands in the receiving line, eat, drink, and dance.
How do you approachit? You approach it as an event to which you will wear a nice dress and heels, eat finger foods, drink champagne, and do the chicken dance.

ETA: SInce you didn't like my initial response, I'll rephrase it more directly.
Yes, you're off base with your reaction.
FWIW, none of my weddings were elaborate, expensive affairs, but that's because I hate planning elaborate, expensive affairs almost as much as I hate paying for them. But if other people want to have them, and I don't have to plan or pay for them, it's no skin off my arse.

His first time. He deserves a celebration. I get your reaction to HER third time, and if it were HIS 3rd time, I'd be all "WHUH?". But it's a celebration of the love they've found and it's his first, so in your head, make it about him.

First, I don't believe that being a friend requires us to agree with everything they do or say. And I do think that your question is fair enough.

That said, I'll do you one better: why do people have a grand affair at all, first, second, third marriage or beyond? My question comes detached of judgment toward anyone who does. It's not what I did, and that's okay. I'm fine with people having totally grand shindigs and I love attending. I love seeing my friends elated, radiant, and getting to share that time with them.

It's not what I choose to do, and that takes nothing away from any of us. We did what we wanted to do, and I hope my friends feel free to do the same? Do we question lavish weddings when we know a new couple is financially strapped? Why would we choose to focus on the woman's past alone? No one ever says "It's his second wedding, he shouldn't wear a tux."
Something to think about...

One woman in my life had a beautiful outdoor wedding. It was her second marriage and it was important to her-- her ex-husband had been an abusive jerk and had never really honored her as a wife. It was important to she and her husband that they had something which was truly theirs, a fresh start.~~ and I love that she had the wedding SHE wanted.

I think you sound a little old fashioned. Do you think it would be tacky for her to wear white because she's not a virgin, as well? You said be nice, but I'm trying to put this in perspective.

Enjoy the wedding and support her in her special day. Hopefully it will work out for her this time.

Speaking as the sister of a guy who is married to wife number five: I would probably have your same initial gut reaction, but would quash it. Here's why: First and foremost, I don't know the spouse very well so I have no real idea what the bride (or in your own case, the groom) has had before, or expects, or just wants in a marriage celebration. And whatever society tells us about not doing the white dress/huge guest list event the third (or fourth or fifth) time around, society's not getting married, two individuals are. That's just where I'd try to put my thinking if I could!

So I'd assume, in the case of your friend's wedding, that the bride likes to arrange great parties and isn't daunted by arranging another wedding, even after doing it twice previously. Kind of admirable to be willing to take it on -- look at it that way! And possibly this is something they're doing so the groom's family gets their traditional event too -- his family, even more than the groom himself, might be the ones most wanting the big ceremony, large guest list, traditional extras. You can't know that for sure, so just assume that's the case and have a good time!

It's their wedding and they are throwing what they want for their big day. No judgements, no criticisms, no opinions. Just celebrate with the couple. They obviously have made a choice different from the one you may have chosen in their shoes but again their choice, their wedding.

Have a blast while leaving your private thoughts private and totally to yourself. Wish them well from me. Marriage is tough especially the third time around.

***I*** would not have an elaborate 3rd wedding.
I don't think it's appropriate.
Looks like a grab for gifts.
Hopefully she is not expecting gifts!

I guess I'm old fashioned too .... I also believe marriage is forever. Did I go to my friends 2nd wedding...yes it was a simple Vegas wedding and we had a blast. I think it's ridiculous to have a big fancy wedding for a 3rd or 4th wedding for sure...actually I don't know why people bother with 3rd and 4th weddings at all....why even get married at that point? Just live togther it'll be much less complicated when the two decide it's time for splitsville. Justice of the peace and a party after seems more appropriate if one feels the need to have a legal marriage.

But ya I would of course go and be a gracious guest.

I actually agree with you somewhat. It seems silly to have a big elaborate affair for the 3rd time. BUT, I can see having a more formal wedding if it is his first. Yes, some guys do want a nice wedding!

Have fun!

If she wants a big formal party to celebrate her happiness with her new husband, I say more power to her.

I say every bride should have the day she wants, even if it is her third walk! The days of white for virgins is long gone, and while the event might be pretentious, lets be honest, all big weddings are. I personally find all big weddings to be nothing but a huge waste of money for what is essentially nothing more then a party, but in the end it is not my wedding. That is why my wedding was a small private affair, which others might think was too low key for a first wedding, but in the end as I started out by stating, we should all just do what works for us :)

I personally think big, elaborate weddings are a huge waste of money even the first time around. I cannot believe how many people fall for the belief that you need one and actually want to spend their money this way...than say a down payment on a house or something practical. So, yes, I think it is crazy. But I also think it's always crazy. People should just wear their nicest dress, get married by their best friend or church, have a big party in the backyard and call it good. I know I am not the norm. And I'm sure that because I think this my daughter will want a big, huge, fancy wedding one day. sigh.

Were her other two big affairs too? If not, maybe now financially she can have the wedding she always wanted? I'd be more put off if she was having bridal showers etc and seemed to be doing some gift grabbing. Otherwise, she's not all that old and it seems silly yet if it's done nicely, you get a fun party to attend. Our friend's first wedding was a traditional big affair yet his now wife already had a grandchild! (she's a very young grandmother). We didn't think anything of it bc it was his first wedding and we know he wanted a real one and it was important to him. So that may be the case here too. Similar ages - he was about 50, she mid or late 40's.

Like you, I would be rolling my eyes a bit at this as well. Also, like you, I would be in full support of my friend doing it "her way." (or the groom's way - if he actually spearheaded this large event).

I get the whole "go big or go home" idea, but I think that for myself, I associate the whole "large wedding/white dress" with not only first marriages, but with the younger generations desire to have these big affairs. You are probably on the same page with me - why spend all the money (and stress) at this time in life - why not have a super long romantic vacation with the money instead.

I hope your friend has the wedding she is dreaming of and I hope you and your husband have a fantastic time!

I agree with your outlook- go, dress up, have fun. But I agree it's ostentatious and showy - not to mention, I'm assuming there will be a lot of gifts involved if this is a formal wedding and reception. I would have a hard time with that. Have fun! lol.

Life is so short. I think it is great she wants to celebrate such a happy event with family and friends. If I felt the way you feel though I don't think I would go.

For what it is worth...I would not cut back on a wedding gift just because it is her third time. I also agree that you should make an effort to have date nights with your husband.

I'm married twice and I felt awkward the second time around (though it was my husband's first), much less a third.

Totally get it, but I think you're a sweet friend for supporting her.

i am rolling my eyes at a big 3rd wedding. and I will go so far as to say if it truly is a big wedding this time just because it's his first then i wonder what kind of a guy he is that he needs that. Celebrating with good friends is one thing, but 200+ of your closest friend, come on. What this says to me is that this couple likes being the center of attention and feels they are entitled to live their life with out thought to past mistakes and the passing of time.

BUT I would do just as you plan, put on a pretty dress and have a night out with hubs, and only share my real thoughts here in internet world. but know that while you are doing the chicken dance and thinking about how you did this twice before for her i'll be on my computer thinking what a good friend you are and that this bride is a nut job.

anything goes any more . but i'm still a little old lady in my head.

Yes it is silly. But it doesn't hurt anyone so I would just keep my judgments to myself.

I am with you. A small intimate affair is much more appropriate.

We only did 50 and it was a second wedding and my dress was not white. Still it was about getting my family and friends together for some fun

It's her life and not yours so you don't need to worry about it. The reason's behind it doesn't really matter. You can sit and judge and analyze but really, why? If a couple elopes you may wonder why didn't they have a "real" wedding? I mean, you can go on and on about stuff. They are doing what they want, it's really as simple as that. If you don't agree then don't go. Everyone has things in their life that we all can talk about behind their backs and not agree with or think we would do things differently. She probably has her own judgements about how you are living your life. JMO. Good luck.

Your "very good friend"?? Who needs enemies huh? You sound completely judgements with your pretentious and ostentatious comments. Let your very good friend enjoy her event, get over your ugly opinion. You don't sound happy for her, you sound a bit jealous since you don't make date nights with your own husband.

I have to confess, I once sort of/kind of thought that way also (yes, and I'm in my 50's) However,long gone are the days when one down played their second(or third or fourth).

It may be oustentatious but at the end of the day, it's their day....And you know: third time's a charm!!!

Have fun and share their joy and happiness with them!!

as long as i am not financially responsible i could care less if someone wants to have a big 3rd wedding. i see it as no big deal.
my second wedding was just as big as my first.. it was my hubbies first so i let him make most of the decisions about it. my dad paid fot my first wedding but i didn't ask him for a dime for the second.
if this marriage does not work and i am faced with a 3rd wedding i will let the groom decide on size. if it were only up to me i would have a simple destination wedding. and invite like 5 people

Your post has judgment written all over it, and I have to wonder why. Why does it matter to you what kind of wedding your friend has? Or who she has in her bridal party? Or how many marriages she's had? These are issues of concern only to her and her husband to be.

Both of my weddings were quite modest and not that formal. My second wedding - second for both of us actually - was a little more formal than I really wanted, but it was what my husband preferred. He hadn't gotten any say in planning his first wedding (bride and MOB did it all) , and he wanted that opportunity. My sons were in our bridal party. Oh and I was PREGGO, too. I guess the jig really WAS up!

My point is, let this couple celebrate the way they want to. It's their day. Go and enjoy the party.

I"m curious about her other weddings. Were they big and formal? If not then what the heck! Go big. If this is her third formal wedding then TACKY, tacky! But whatever, to each their own.

Maybe he wants a traditional wedding (this is how my friend justified her huge formal wedding two years after her first huge formal wedding). Divorced from hubby #2 after two years and two kids!

I think sometimes planning a party can distract you from problems in the relationship. I've seen it happen over and over.

So yes, I think it's too much. Something in a garden with drinks and apps would be more appropriate!

I got married for the 3rd and final time in 2007. My husband and I both had children from previous relationships, and we had the big wedding. BUT that was only because neither one of us actually got to have the big wedding. We also decided this was going to be the last wedding either of us were going to have.

Here's my two cents worth.

White wedding dresses is something that our generation really got the full force of. Before Queen Victoria wore a white lace gown most people work dark gowns for formal affairs. It was bad taste to wear lighter colors to formal events.

Even into the late 1800s and early 1900s many many many women wore dark dresses to marry in. It was only the very very wealthy that could afford to go buy a dress for one time wear that would never be worn again.

They were too frugal. Think of even back in the 20s and 30s. Many of the WWl and up through WWll women wore pastel colors but not white unless they were very very wealthy.

In the 40s and 50s is when women really started wearing white dresses and associating it with purity when in actuality it was a social label and nothing to do with anything. The face covering veil was about purity. It covered the blushing brides face so she wouldn't be so out there with her shy about to lose her virginity thoughts...

Wearing a white dress has nothing to do with anything. It's very good we're getting back to a more normal society.

What bothers me about this whole thing though, what it comes down to for me. The cost. An older person knows the value of a dollar and what the money they're spending on this party could go for.

I imagine they're rather well off or they wouldn't be entertaining 200 people at their own expense. If they have that kind of money then why not be able to throw one heck of a party to celebrate their union.

But still, we've had a hard month in July and I've gone without meals and things I would have enjoyed having. So if I had a friend planning on spending money like this I think I'd have wished they'd have hired me to do the catering or the music or the serving or something so "I" could have some of that lovely money they're spending on a huge party.

That's all I can think of. The white dress and elaborate party are things that are not for everyone.

I get where you are coming from but it's their day and it is his first time down the aisle. Was her other weddings elaborate? If not, maybe she wanted it this time because she's finally found THE one and he's may want to give that to her as well as in his mind "this is the only one for him" so to speak.

Be happy for her and him. Enjoy the night and don't over think it.

**I can tell you that my second wedding was big simply because HE wanted it. At the same time his cousin was planning a big wedding because his bride wanted the big formal affair. His aunt once joked that maybe we should switch...lol.