A Playmate Who Wants Everything Her Way and If Not Becomes Violent!

My youngest child used profanity at a very early age, but he was always punished for it. The other mother is not doing her child any favors by allowing this behavior. Don't worry about the rest of your family, your job is to protect your child and make her feel secure. Until the other child can behave, she should not be allow to play with your daughter. My children are all grown now, with children of there own, and they all tell me they felt secure and protected with their mama. I know how it feels to have an ill behaved child, but if the family really loves this child, they must work to change her behavior, or she will be a lonely teenager and worst yet a very lonely adult, just a chornic victim. By the way, my ill behaved child is a US soldier, that just returned from 15 mos in Iraq, he is a born again christian, married with his first child on the way. He is a pleasure to be around and well love by everyone that meets him. I loved him enough to punish him, and stay on top of things, there are too many lazy parents, that just drug them, instead of being consistant. Tell the parent to love this poor little girl, enough to help her. God bless you Kris

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Jean,

Since this is a relative and you have already attempted to get the child's parents to straighten her out to no avail, You have every right IMHO to approach the child yourself and explain to her (on her level of course) that her behavior is unacceptable and that if it does not stop she will not be allowed to play with your daughter. If she does not stop, remove your child and any toys that belong to your child and leave the area yourselves. There is a significant difference between just trying to keep them apart and making it clear to the other child that you do not want her by your child unless she can behave.
Explain to your daughter that this is a lesson that the other little girl needs to learn but not to worry she will come around.
If the parent's have anything to say about your approaching thier child, simply explain to them that you had reached out to them first, they did not take it seriously and that it is your job to safeguard your child. The other parents have no right to complain. You approached them and they failed to step up. If they complain to other relatives, explain the whole situation to them including that you had asked them to handle their child and they did not.

Good Luck to you

B.

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I have never lived around family while my boys were growing up, except for a neice and her daughter who lived with us while her daughter was a baby and my oldest was 2. Anyway, I have watched this behavior in other social settings, especially at church. If you witness this, and her parents are present, you need to take them over the incident and if there are marks on your child, you must be firm in telling them that this behavior is simply unacceptable, period. Let them see you pull both children together and explain to them in the simplest of terms how we love and share. Ask the little girl if she loves playing with your daughter and if she says yes (in front of her parents) praise her ("I am so glad because I know Sally loves playing with you), but tell her that using bad words is hurtful and your family does not speak that way because it does not display love. Explain by showing the child the marks she leaves that when people love, they do not hurt each other. Explain to her that she can come tell you if there is a problem between the two of them, but she would have to do it before she gets violent (and use that word). Then tell her that if she enjoys spending time with your daughter, she will have to control herself or you will remove your daughter from that time with her. My youngest son has the tendency to be aggressive, especially when I am there. When I leave, he does much better. But if either me or my husband are there, we will immediately remove him, get on his level, explain why his behavior was inappropriate and how to correct it, first by apologizing. He is 5 and gets this completely. We will watch him actually do what we are telling him is the right thing. If he refuses, we remove him instantly. Ask the little girl what is the right way to handle conflict and ask her to show you (again, in front of her parents if necessary). If she does the right them, gently praise her. Ask her, "IF you feel this way again, would you be willing to come tell me, so we can together fix the problem?" Let her be a part of the solution. Her parents may step in then when they see the value of you putting yourself into the solution, on the child's level. When I put my 5 year old in preschool this year, I was very honest with the teacher about this behavior and gave her full authority to correct it appropriately. That freed her to build into my son that he needed to respect all authority because it is for his safety and that of others. Like the other responses, you need to communicate to these parents that while you would like to respect their philosophy of parenting, when it comes to your child and her safety, your standards trump and if they cannot respect your authority to protect your child, you simply cannot encourage this relationship. Ask them if they think their child's behavior is a part of of normal growing up (it actually is, even if you consistently correct it, like I have to), but if these parents are more concerned about not wanting to discipline their child in public, then they will not respect your philosophy and you'll have to remove your daughter from that time and place. I have a friend right now with 5 children and she has been on both ends of this. It's hard to say no to family functions, but she will if certain people are there who don't care to correct their children.

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P.,

Now you will have to speak directly to the child. Be very specific "we do not hit at our house" or "do not bite (your daughter)" or "when you calm down and can promise not to hit, pinch, kick, etc then you can play with (your daughter) again." This way you are not trying to make rules for the child's family, rather just letting her know the rules at your house or the rules if she is playing with your child.

If she absolutely cannot behave, you have to sincerely say something like "I'm sorry you cannot play nicely today. Maybe we can try another day."

Realize too that the other child could be reacting to events in her life that you may be unaware of. If things in her life change, her behavior could change too. Also, many times it is not truly the fault of the child, the behavior is greatly influenced by the caregivers. Since you are related, continue to hope for the best.

I hope things improve.

T.

I had the exact same problem with my sister's kids. I tried talking to my mom but my sister has always been my mom's favorite and now so are her kids. So that talk didn't work either. I can't really visit my mom without them being there because my little sister wouldn't know how to change a diaper if her life depended it on it because my mom has always done everything for her. So her kids are always there. I finally just stayed away and distanced myself. When I have gone lately I watch her like a hawk because I don't trust that her son will not hurt her. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if her son didn't turn out to be a serial killer or something.
I don't know what the answer is but just wanted you to know that I have the same problem and I visit very seldom now and distance myself and my children as much as I can. Sad, but true.
Sorry for you... I know how you feel.

Even though the other girl is not your daughter, you are still her aunt. Can you tell her that those are unacceptable words to be saying and very hurtful to call your own cousin that name? You family should not stand for that behavior either, if they do accept that behavior I would keep family get togethers to a minimum!

I would inform the mother that her child is more than welcome to come over and play with yours... if they agree to let you handle and discipline the other one. Tell them exactly how you would do this, explain your entire getting into trouble procedure, and just inform them that you are NOT going to let your daughter(s) be beaten up on. You could ask how they discipline their child and tell them you will follow those same steps if they wish, but she WILL get into trouble if she continues behaving this way at your house. Show them your little girls scratches and bite marks. Also, if you think she would try to turn the whole family against you, then she is obviously a very manipulative and self centered person who doesn't care about others and is teaching her daughter to be the same way. And if the family WOULD turn on you for this, even after you explain to them the situation and the attempts you made at keeping the peace, then honestly I don't believe that your children need to be around a family that shallow and volatile. A family should mean love and security, and you want your daughters to grow up believing that. You don't want them to learn to be like the rest of them, who will turn on one another at a word.

You are being a good mother and a good Aunt/cousin by taking the actions you are taking. If at the end of it they can't be adults as well, then you just have to make the best decision for your girls. I know how difficult and emotional it is, I have had a very similar situation in family members not wanting to do the right thing by the child and my son suffering for it, and I finally said, "Look. These are the lines that I am drawing and they cannot be crossed." When they were, I just informed my biological father that he would no longer be a part of my son's life or able to influence him any longer. I wont have someone, even family that I love, make my children feel miserable about themselves or hurt them in any way. It's just how it is.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and I wish you the best of luck.

I am a gramma who loves taking care of the grandchildren. Most kids that bite are frustrated in their anger. Try to help the child find better ways of dealing with it. That being said, in Gramma's house, Gramma's rules are what we follow. This goes for children/grandchildren of friends who are with me for the day. The parents all know it. If you don't discipline the children, I will. No biting, hitting, or bullying. The parents know this and appreciate knowing that I do not rule by anger or temper, but in the children's best interest. It's your house, your rules. Make sure the child understands that and what the consequences are. Then follow through.
If the parents don't like it, they can find someone else to babysit the child.

P., If you don't take up for your child, no one else will, obviously. While I do think children need to learn to fight some things out for themselves, she is too young right now to go against a child this size with these kind of problems. If your
'family members' cared about you or your child, or about their own child for that matter, they would do something about her behavior. This will only escalate as time goes on. It's definately harmful for your child to be around this other little girl. Teachers, or kids on the playground, will sooner or later tire of that kind of behavior, then what? You need to set boundaries with your family. I know it's hard and you don't want to cause trouble, but you have to speak up for your child, even if that means you have to remove yourselves from certain family gatherings. If they ask, tell the truth, that you will not tolerate your child being abused by another child. Your daughter may feel she can't fight off this other little girl, or may feel intimidated, and that could do a lot of harm to her self-esteem over time. She does need to learn to take up for herself, but no one can expect her to fight off an abuser. This is more than just a little tantrum. Get the backbone to do this. I know you can do it! I know you love your family. If they love and care about you, they will try to look at your side as well. We'll be praying for you.

Girlfriend, this is your baby you're talking about. If you think the other mom will turn the rest of the family against you, the other girls behavior is a learned one. These tactics she is using against your precious one are ones of manipulation. Sounds to me like the other mom may use these same tactics. This is a good opportunity to teach your daughter to stand up for herself. If she is being bullied, let her "bully" her back. I know, I know this is unconventional and may not "seem" like the right thing to do. But if your baby doesn't learn this now, she will go to school and continue to be bullied. This other girl is teaching your daughter that it's okay for her to be treated this way. And you not standing up for her is teaching her that she doesn't really matter-that it's okay for her to be bullied. Let your "momma bear" come out! Don't let anyone willingly hurt your daughter. It's one thing if your daughter initiates violence, it's another thing for her to stick up for herself. Since it seems that the other parents/family members haven't listened to you, give them fair warning that the next time their daughter hurts yours, you are going to let your daughter do back to her the same thing she just did. They might be upset for a little while, but eventually the truth will come out. When you address the other child, and yours, let them know that what goes around comes around. You reap what you sow. This is a life lesson not to be taken lightly.
God Bless!

I think you need to talk to the childs mother, or if the child is at my house, I would get on to the child myself and if the parent doesn't like it then she needs to control her child, That is awful, b/c it will teach your child bad things and they will start acting like that. I would just say until she can't treat her right they can't play together, we have a child in my family who is 4 and he whines about everything I mean everything, drives me crazy. anyway good luck.

Hi P.,

This 6 year old has a major problem. I totally understand what you are going through. I lost a very good friend because ot this exact situation. I decided that my daughter came first and I told her mother (my good friend) how her daughter acted when she wasn't around and if she could not control her bad behavior that she can't have play day with my daughter. Well she left in a huff and I never saw her again. So be careful, especially with family. Have you tried to talk to this little girl, ask her if she likes to hurt your daughter and why. I would also try to instill in her that using bad works and doing hurt things is not allowed in your home or in your yard, and if she does it again you will tell her mom and she won't be able to come back.

Good Luck,
M.

Hi P.,

My sister and I are very close, and she has a daughter between my boys' ages. Her daughter has ADHD and is finally, after many unsuccessful tries, medicated in a way that works, and it makes a difference in every facet of her life. But during the times that she was either unmedicated or the medicine didn't work, she could be very difficult and inappropriate. I don't mean to say that my boys were always angels - Ha! But my sister and I always agreed that we would talk to each other about our kids' behavior, whether it was smart mouthing each other, pushing and shoving (she's very physical, like a boy) or trying to leave one of my boys out of the "threesome". My sister always had my profound permission to fuss at my kids, and I did the same with my niece. My sister and I always came to good conclusions together, and are very happy with the results now that they are all teenagers. Not as much physicality now, but the interesting dynamics of "three's a crowd" still persist, and now I am finding the "leaving one kid out" issue even with the nieces on the other side of the family sometimes. The point is that you always have to supervise kids and work things out.

If your family dynamics don't allow this (which really is sad) then the only thing I can think of that you could try is always having them come to your house instead of going to theirs, and hire your trusted babysitter to come and supervise the kids. I actually did that several times when friends came with their kids, not because of problems per se, but so my friends and I could have a wonderful evening together without having to deal with watching children. She played games with them, negotiated all disputes, and even instituted time out when the kids needed it. Now, that's a good babysitter! If your sister balks, you can just say that you appreciate your babysitter disciplining the children, because that's her job, just like it's a parent's job. It might actually soften the problem some. (Just don't ask her to go halfsie's on the babysitting fee - sorry!)

Good luck!
D.

I would bring it to the parents attention they might know about her behavure but not do anything about it but they may put a stop to it if you tell them you care and that you child enjoys playing with her but you wont allow it unless she treats your children right that they are not going to be mistreated.good luck

Explain to the Mom that when her child is at your house she will follow yo9ur rules. Then, treat her as you would your own child if she did those things. Tell the little girl up front what the rules are and explain that if she doesn't follow them she will have to go to time out. Then, enforce the rules. You must be consistent! She will learn what you expect and will eventualy learn to follow the rules. Good luck!!

No more "playing" with that one unless both moms are present! You are inflicting an abusive child on your child. You are supposed to be her protector. I would call child protection services and discuss this with them. This child has real issues, and I think they are psych, unless she is being abused.

Sounds like the family member might have ADHD. Sounds crazy, but violence in kids like that usually isn't malicious, it is just characteristic impulsive behavior. You may want to approach this with the family members with genuine concern for this child. Maybe she has underlying issues making her do this in the first place. Once you get to the root of the issue hopefully she will be nicer to your baby, and maybe her mom will be grateful. In the meantime I would perhaps make sure that the other child has her hands busy so she can't put them on your daughter. Playdough maybe?

This is a tough spot.

I would definately put my child first! Don't feel guilty if she can't play with the other child. It's not your fault that no one is helping in this situtation. I would just explain to your sister what is happening and that you can't have your daughter subjected to this kind of treatment and that until she can figure out a way to keep her child from doing those things, then you have to do what you have to do. I know its tough, but it's one of those "life is not fair" things. All in all though, you have to put her first. Hope it helps. Perhaps she will see that she needs to do something. You child can't be the only one that she is hurting. There have to be others and hopefully if that's the case, then the other parents will say something to.