9Yr Daughter, Changing Schools Each Year.

What you are proposing is utterly insane and would be terribly selfish of both of you as parents. If you both feel so strongly about being the "school" parent then you should both make the commitment to live in the same school district. If you can't or won't do that, then one of you needs to give up that dream.

You DO NOT uproot a child every other year without reason. You just don't do that...please don't waste any more time and energy on this crazy idea.

No I would not do that. You two need to come to an agreement without disrupting her life and activities that much

Simple. No. That would be detrimental on so many levels. Why do I say that? Because I went to 13 schools in 12 years. It sucked. I had no social skills. I had so many gaps in my education that I am still learning things I never learned in school. I have no friends from my school days. I can't remember one teacher's name that I had.

That plan is convenient for the parents NOT the child.

I have a better idea. Your daughter picks a house /school district to be in. Then you and your ex switch houses every year.

there must be some difficult challenges to co-parenting, but this seems like a really bad compromise. your daughter shouldn't be the one to suffer because of parental decisions.
please work on finding less disruptive solutions for her.
khairete
S.

Are you kidding? This must be some sick joke because what parent in their right mind would do this to their child!!

My God this is so incredibly selfish of you and your ex and downright unfair and abusive to your child.

Your child didn't get to pick her parents, unfortunately, but you made the decision to marry, have a child, and divorce.

In what way do you think its fair for your child to pay the price of your stupid mistakes? Suck it up buttercup and be responsible for your child.

If you do this, you can bet your child will hate you both down the road.

I hope this is a troll post because it is so unreal that 2 parents could be that self centered.

God bless this poor child.

Wow - this is beyond f'd up. Seriously. I was the child of divorce. We moved 3 times between the ages of 10 and 17. It SUCKED.

You and her father need to either work together or find a mediator to help you make a decision on where to live so your daughter can have some STABILITY. Please be adults and don't screw up her life uprooting her. Because it will. It sucks. She won't be able to make friends or build relationships, join teams, clubs, sports, anything.

ONE school, a decent visitation schedule (we saw my dad EVERY weekend). Live close enough to drive easily - My dad lived 20 minutes away. He could easily get us on Friday night and bring us back Sunday night.

Honestly, 50 miles away, you guys could do this too. Heck - you could meet 1/2 way for dinner so you're each only driving 25 miles. Some people drive this far EVERY DAY for work, you both can certainly do it twice a week for your child.

I am sorry but that is just a terrible idea.

If you are looking for ways to make sure she has no friends and no self esteem and never really feels like she belongs, then this would be a great way to accomplish that.

Please don't do this to your daughter. My family moved a few times and it is harder on kids than most parents realize. Kids are not as 'resiliant' as people would like to believe.

You used the right words when you said "emotional stress". Ask your husband if he would like to start a new job each year and switch to a new home each year. If it doesn't sound appealing as an adult, then why on earth would you do this to a child??

Please get some family counseling. This is an awful situation and I think all of you need some professional help to sort it out. :(

Good luck to you- please think long and hard before you make any decisions.

I refuse to believe this is a real question. No parent would even consider doing something so harmful to their child!

Moving because your parents are military or something like that is far different than moving every year because your parents are selfish.

Oh and fifty miles??? Whoopty freaking do!!! An hour of your life once a week?!! Selfish!! That is a child not a puppy.

I moved every year until I was in high school. I absolutely hated it. I never had friends, and eventually stopped trying to make any. Please do not do this to your daughter. She's a child, not a borrowed item to be passed back and forth. She needs ONE stable home base where she lives, and to visit the other parent according to an agreed schedule. If the other parent wants visitation more often, THEY need to move closer to HER primary home, not expect her to move to them.

I don't think that the primary custodial parent should switch back and forth. I think one parent should be the primary, and the other should have visitation. Children need consistency. Changing the primary custodial parent does not maintain consistency. To me, it's parents playing the "it's not fair to ME" card. Well, sorry...you divorced, so now you have to consider the child's needs instead of what you're getting out of the situation.

I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD EVEN CONSIDER DOING THIS!!!!!!!!

I averaged 3-4 schools per year until I was in 7th grade. It has scarred me tremendously. I have issues, at the age of 41, with bonding with people and have to talk myself out of moving every couple years; I obsess feeling like I need to move all the time. We have lived in our home for 9 years and for the past 6 yrs I've been begging my husband to move, I just haven't given him a good enough reason to move, so we are staying put. I literally lose sleep over this every single night.

Please DONT do this to your daughter and especially in the Jr high & High school years.

That sounds like a ridiculous plan for your daughter. Absolutely ridiculous. No consistency in her education, her friends, or her parenting. Absolutely no stability in her life. You're asking for trouble. You'll have a sad, lonely, troubled daughter.

Family counseling for all of you together, and counseling for your daughter on her own. You also need parenting classes with your daughter's father. One of you needs to bite the bullet and make the sacrifice to move much, much closer to the other or you both need to make the sacrifice to move closer for the sake of your child.

Rent an apartment that is your daughter's home base. She lives there and never has to move. Same school through high school. Same friends. Same bedroom. Same food, laundry, everything. The only difference would be you living there on your time, and then her father living there on his time. That means you each commute to your own jobs while you're having your time with your daughter. And when it's not your time with her, you have your own apartment that you live in. You both pay equal rent for her apartment, and you pay your own apartments.

Consider it. Your daughter would be grateful and get the stability she needs.

Sounds like doing what is more "fair" for you and her dad is being terribly unfair to your daughter.

As someone who was bounced around from school to school throughout childhood I can tell you this is a terrible idea. Especially in middle and high school, that's even worse, not better or easier, far from it!!!
You two need a real, and legally binding agreement, that benefits your daughter. The divorce wasn't HER fault, so she shouldn't pay the price.
You are right to worry, don't let your ex talk you into such a horrible arrangement.

I went to 14 schools from k-12. It is NOT a nice thing to do to a kid.

I think that you and your ex need to come to a different solution, for your daughter's sake. Think about it... . her school is her ONE place that's exclusively hers, untouched by your divorce.

This WILL cause emotional stress. By the time I was 9, I had gone to five schools. By the time I had hit my sixth school, in fifth grade, I started to withdraw. Stopped trying to make friends. It is VERY hard for anew kid to make friends. It was only during my second (last, senior) year at the same high school that I made a good friend-- she and I still see each other (I'm 43). My husband, on the other hand, is still friends with buddies from middle school. His parents gave him more consistency.

Please, if there is ANY way possible to avoid this, including one of you moving, do it for her sake. It would be the kindest thing to do in this situation. You both brought a child into the world and now it's time to put her best interests first. I know people who commute regularly to work over an hour a day. Some (an adult) in the equation can make a sacrifice for your daughter to have the best possible childhood, considering she's already having to deal with the hardship of having her family living in two different places.

No, no, no, no, no, no, and no!!!! You can NOT do this to your daughter. She is not the one who asked for this divorce and should not be the one to pay for it. Please put her first!!!

Please do not switch her in Jr and High school. In her situation she is going to need some lasting friendships and stability.

Fifty miles apart is nothing in the larger picture. One of you must tough it out and let the other be the custodial parent--PERIOD.

You and he both are putting some kind of "Now I get to have her!" attitude ahead of her actual good and her education.

She will resent you both, her grades will suffer, and she will have huge issues making long-term friendships (and don't fool yourselves that each of you parents will "make sure she keeps in touch with her friends from school A during this year she's at School B with me" -- that would be a load of hooey. Kids in tween and teen years are not going to maintain close friendships purely on Facebook and Twitter. If you or he are even remotely thinking all this can work socially for her because of social media or "she'll see her friends at the other parent's house when she visits there" -- you are both SO deceiving yourselves.

And what about activities?? Is she supposed to be in two diffferent Girl Scout troops, for instance, and switch off on those each year? If she gets interested in a sport or an art like dance, things which require steady progression to learn them and improve and enjoy them and forge relationships with teachers and peers -- that is NOT going to happen under your arrangement. You would both be cursing her to always being the "new kid" and starting over, or being the kid who is told "Oh, yes, we remember you but the league/studio/classes you took in the other town were so different that you need to be in a lower rung here....."

You and your husband sound as if you cannot agree on who should have primary custody. Maybe you both somehow think she needs you both so much that you must "share" her this way. No. One of you must simply suck it up and MOVE to be closer to her or suck it up and travel to see her and her travel to see you or the ex. Please get counseling as a "couple" immediately so you can both learn how to put her first.

And finally -- schools probably can't stop you from an arrangement as nuts as this but do you understand how schools and teachers would simply loathe it? They will have different curriculums, at different paces. Your girl will always feel a bit behind, or will be bored if she's ahead in a subject. She may end up hating school and thinking it's because she's dumb or she's not "academic" when the reality will be that her parents messed up her schooling for her.

Your daughter, should NOT have to, do this.
You are the parents, why have her bouncing around to different schools each year? Who does it serve? Who's best interest, is that?
I feel sorry for her to have to do this.

There will be NO consistency as far as academics nor in social life etc.
It is bad all around, for her to have to do this.

50 miles apart. Well why don't 1 parent move closer.
Or you get a district exception so that she can stay at ONE school.

Again, who does this serve? It is selfish.
It does not, benefit your daughter.
At, all.

She would be better off in ONE school (even if it is a boarding school). Kids suffer the most when adults don't put their needs first. You and dad need to adjust your schedules and alternate visits with her. Give your child some stability.

So what you are saying is instead of you and your ex moving closer, y'all are going to bounce this kid around like a pinball machine?

No not a good idea at all. Kids need stability this proposed arrangement is not giving her stability.

You and your ex need to make a decision and stick with her. Trust me, once she gets into JR and HR she is NOT going to want to change and you will have a huge mess on your hands.

Bad idea all around. Sounds like you and ex are trying to make it easier on yourselves and not thinking about your daughter.

None of these moves are a good idea. This seems very selfish as parents and would likely be tramatic for her. Of course you are worried this would cause emotional stress. In addition to the friends part of it, she wouldn't get to know the teachers/staff at the schools well or feel like a part of the community. Adding to that switching between the two homes sounds so difficult. Why not have her with one parent and see the other on the weekend and school breaks. Don't do the Jr high then high school switch either, that also sounds terrible and unnecessary.

You cannot be serious. Why would you do this to your child. I think ou need to sit with ex and figure it out.

Oh my word, NO! Don't do this to your daughter!

Since this is your first question I am wondering if this is a real post.
But I am going to answer just in case it is real.

No. Not advisable

Children thrive on security. They gain this with structure, expectations and rules.

Your daughter needs to feel secure that she has a home base. This is not about you and not about her father. This needs to be where your daughter feels the most comfortable and feels like is her home.

She needs the stability of knowing what is hers. Her school, her friends, her bed, her pets.

Sure she may have a room at a second home. She may have a parent living in their home, but she needs to have a permanent home.

Divorce is hard enough. I know very well being a child of divorce.,

We walk a tight rope not wanting to hurt our parents by being honest as to what we really want. We love our parents equally, but since these 2 people cannot live together, we then are at the mercy of all of the parents decisions and choices. BUT we may have different needs and wants.

You and your ex must allow your child to feel free to say where she wants to live.. This means IF you and her dad both are willing to be the main residence. Allow her to choose what city and what school she wants to put her energy into.

In my family, my father did not have a main residence. He was more mobile. He lived with girl friends, with my grand mother then a wife, but she lived 100's of miles away.. and so my decision was made for me.

I knew that my moms home was my home.

My niece and nephew do have 2 homes, but their parents live less than a mile apart. So they spend 1 week with their father at his home and 1 week with my sister at her home. They are then able to easily attend schools that are close by. But In the end, they tended to stay more at their dads home, because it was larger. They could invite friends over, They had their parties there. And because he remarried and his wife was home, they tended to stay there because their mom worked so much.

Parents that think they can get a divorce and live in different cities and have 50% - 50% with the child, are not being realistic. She needs her school. She needs to be able to have her friends from school. She needs to be able to invite her friends over to her home. She needs the stability of something in her life. She needs to be able to participate in school activities. Example, if she runs for Cheerleader or Student Council President, she will need to know she is going to be there to fulfill these commitments. Many times the elections are at the end of one school year, so that they can train during the summer. If you are switching schools every other year, it is hard to get into the grove of the new school every fall..

Sure Military families can be stationed all over the place each year, but your child is not in the military.. There is no reason for her to have to go through this on her own each year.

Make common sense choices when it comes to your child's life.

I don't think this is fair to her at all to be honest, a child needs some stability. Unless she requests to switch schools I think an effort should be made to find a solution to custody that allows her to stay in one school. Also, she is 9, not a baby, so maybe include her in the conversation and get her take on it.

That would be very unfair to the daughter. Work it out. Don't make your kid suffer because you aren't together. Somebody should move closer to the other. My dd has a friend...the dad moved all the way from California to be near is dd. That was the right thing to do. They share custody, but since the dad moved close, she has some consistency in her school.

No way in heck this is good for HER> It may be good for you and dad but dang it, she deserves better. If you both are content with her living with the other parent then let her decide which parent she wants to live with then do a normal visitation with child support from the parent she's not living with.

I can't imagine how horrible this would be for her.

When I was in elementary school, there was a girl whose parents swapped years. Some years she was with us. Some years she was not. It was a small private school on our end. Frankly, the transitions were hard. Every year she missed more and more of the social nuances. Every year there was a new grouping of friends and she was "new" all over again. I felt very sorry for her. I imagine a public school or a larger school would be worse.

I think that you and your ex need to work it out so that she has one primary house and one she visits. For her own sake and her own stability. As she goes farther into school, she might encounter problems like School A wanting 10th graders to do geometry and School B to have them in Alegebra. It's hard to run for school government if you're not going to be around the next year. You are right to be worried about her emotional and social health.

Please, get something set up so that she has a main home during the year and isn't swapping schools. My sks lived with us during the school year, and spent summers and breaks (like winter break) with their mom and we got EOWE instead. I think if they had swapped all the time, they would have lost track.

She's already moved so much. Pick somewhere and stick with it.

As a teacher I think this would be a horrible decision. Every year I see the struggles that "new kids" go through. It takes time to make friends, especially as kids get older. Every district is different in expectations. She will need to learn new expectations every year, make new friends, adjust to so much. Yes, that happens every year when kids change grade levels, but if she starts each year in a new school without a support system of friends and teachers that she knows it will be even more difficult. How do you expect her to make and maintain friendships? How do you expect her to have consistency in her education. Friends are a vital part of kids' lives at that age. All I foresee is incredible stress and unhappiness for your daughter.

I have no experience, but that sounds like an awful situation to me. Your daughter will have a really hard time maintaining friendships if she's in and out of school every year. She won't ever feel like she belongs. She might get a boyfriend at some point in high school and freak out when you make her switch schools for the next year. She might hate not getting to graduate with one high school class instead of the other.

I think it's great that both parents want to be such an active part of her life. But, I think you need to come up with a different solution. Can either of you move a little closer and then find a school in the middle?

I really hope you find a better answer. I would never do that with my own kids unless a court ordered me to.

This plan sound great for you and your ex but it sounds horrible for her. Having to not only uproot yourself from your friends and school but also from your current parent and any nearby family? Bad idea. And it gets worse the older she gets.

You want her to form healthy bonds with people in her life. How does that work when she knows she will be moving back to other parent's house in 2 months?

Honestly, 50 miles apart isn't that big of a deal if you and your ex are willing to work at it. There has to be a better solution than what you're considering.

NO. Another solution used by a couple I know with twins: They had 2 apartments a few towns apart. They shared every other week, and the parents moved houses. That way the KIDS had stability. I moved a lot and while it taught me that you can make friends anywhere (and I am a raving extrovert) I also had whole months when we first got to yet another new town where I would cry every night for hours. It sucked. My daughter by necessity has been moved to a special school for dyslexics and it is very h*** o* her not to be with the friends she knew from kindergarten anymore. Even though there are nice kids in her new school they are not the long term friends that you can really be yourself with because they know if you are quiet one day you will be fun again the next. I would not do this.

You need to evaluate what will be best for YOUR DAUGHTER. Not for you or her dad. Changing schools every year will be a tremendous hardship for her and will only get harder at she grows older and develops friendships. 50 miles is close enough for one parent to be the resident parent with weekend and holiday visits and probably even 1-2 week visits during the summer vacation.

My sister and her ex have 2 kids together, and because they live so close together, they're able to do shared parenting (1 week on, 1 week off) with the girls in the same school. That's the ONLY situation I think shared parenting works for.

We are a military family, so moving comes with the job. However, I wouldn't recommend it!

I think the plan works best for you and dad, but not her. I think stability is very important. Can either of you move closer to the other? Can you find a private school that is 1/2 way between both houses?

Even if this works for elem and middle school, it will not work for high school. What about athletics? What about clubs or honor society? What if she wants to run for student government?

As I read your post, it's pretty clear to me that you ARE thinking about the possible stresses for your daughter, and that's why you asked the question. You also are 'discussing the option,' so you haven't decided to do it yet. I will just join the chorus of voices saying that it doesn't look like a good option. Going back and forth between two different schools and social groups will get more and more difficult for your daughter as she gets into middle school+high school. I also can't see it being a very good arrangement for you parents, as you constantly switch between being the schooling/custodial parent and being the visited parent (I assume there will be visitation for the non-schooling parent during the year). Personally, I would suggest that you two parents make the decision based on which location will put her in the best educational and growing-up setting, and if they both are equally good, then let her have some input into where she would rather live. You can work out an arrangement for living with the other parent during the summer, or whatever works for you all, however it should provide her with a stable social setting. Good luck with it!

It's time for mom or dad (or both) to rise to the ocassion and step-up to the job of parenting. 1 school, find a solution.

I have a 7 and 5 year old, their father lives 5 minutes away from us......the kids are with me 90% of the time because their needs require that (thankfully). We'll adjust as time goes by, but everything is for the kids under these circumstances.....they do not get to pay an additional price for their parents circumstances. Make it work.

S.