9 Month Old Discipline for Attachment Parenting?????

The advice from my daughter's pediatrician(she starting hitting) was to put her down and walk away. Period. Don't talk to her, don't reason or explain to her, don't make eye contact,etc. He said the worst punishment for a baby/toddler is you leaving(plus it gets you both out of that moment) & that eventually she'll understand that if you're not nice to people they walk away. Leave the room for a couple of minutes and when you come back give her a hug and say "you have to be nice to Mommy" or something like that and move on. It has worked wonders with my daughters hitting and tantrums. Good luck to you!

The baby tries to scratch you out of anger?
When she does not get something she wants?

Like what?

Oh my goodness, I can NOT believe you are actually getting advice to SMACK YOUR BABY'S HAND!! That is utterly RIDICULOUS and since you are so clearly a loving, attached parent I know I don't have to worry about you taking such horrible advice.

I completely agree with the approach of saying, "ouch, that hurts mommy when you do that" and then taking her hand and rubbing your face gently and saying "gentle". When my baby girl (13 months old) slaps at me I say to her, "we don't hit mommy - we give mommy kisses" and I kiss her all over. I have always felt it necessary to talk to my baby - and explain to her why what she does isn't nice or why it is bad behavior. Talking is KEY and so is consistency. You are doing an amazing job and honestly this is a phase... it will pass. My daughter is now starting to walk up to me and gently pat me on the face... it is the most adorable and absolute cutest thing. When she does it I praise her and hug her and thank her for being gentle. :)

If you haven't guessed by now, I too am an attached parent and my 13 month old is still nursing!! I love that you are all natural! Kudos to you!!

The bottom line is our babies also learn by mimicking our behavior and what on earth are we teaching them if WE HIT THEM!?!!? That hitting is ok!??!!?! I know A TON of children who are respectful and kind and have NEVER ONCE been spanked. They have been talked to/with at eye level and loved. They have been treated with respect and kindness and they learn to project that same behavior as they get older. You are such a wonderful, loving, caring mommy. Keep up the great work!!!!

**WANTED TO ADD - Read Dr. Sears's book!!!! He is amazing and coined the term ATTACHED PARENT!!!!

I agree that putting the baby down is the best way to teach her at this age about right and wrong.

I do the exact same thing as Rebecca L~ when my daughter scratches or pinches (for whatever reason- excitement usually) I make a sad face, state "ouch, that hurts mommy", then I make her hand soft on my cheeks (or wherever she scratched) and say "ah thats gentle, that's nice" in a happy voice. I think they respond to the emotion that their actions elicit and eventually you can get rid of the behavior.

Please don't even think about hitting/spanking/hand-slapping a 9-month old baby. They are WAY too young to understand that. The best advice that you have already received has been to tell her "no," put her down, turn your back or walk away for just a few seconds. Please don't hit her.

When my daughter went through that phase, I used to tell her ouch you hurt mama. Then I would gently take here hands and stroke where she hurt me and say nice in loving voice. It took a while but soon she stopped and instead stroked me lovingly. I don't think hitting to stop hitting or hurting to stop hurting works or sends the right message.

1st, make sure her nails are cut so you are not hurt and respond from that.

Then Redirect and positive re-inforcement (like the other mothers said - put her down - stop the play)

For yourself, do not worry. Re-direct your thoughts to the positive so that she does not pick up on any negative energy.

This is what I did when each of my sons bit me during breast-feeding (I'm an attachment parent too). Continue to say no (say specifically "no scratch" or "no scratching") then put her down on the floor for a short while. She may start to cry but that's okay. You can pick her up in a few seconds -- it doesn't have to be for very long. But if she hurts you, she gets put down. EVERY TIME. It'll take about a week, or just a little longer, and she'll get the connection: hurting mommy means no mommy. And then she'll stop.

Good luck!

Hi E.,

I started Time out when my daughter was 9 months old who began hitting. I would tell her no and if she did it again I put her in her crib and said "we do not hit and you are in time out". I would leave her for about 20 seconds and go and get her.. . I would say, "we don't hit, I love you but hitting is not allowed". I would hug her and move on with what were doing prior to that.

As time goes on increase the amount of time for time out but never longer than a minute while she is under 1.

The crib may not work for you so you could also use a play pen. She is now old enough to create a game she is old enough to understand she gets put down when she acts like that. I now have a 10 month old boy who is the total opposite and only claps his hands and laughs. The hitting is an indication of her wonderful desire to express her stong feeelings which you will deal with for years to come!!!

My daughter now 2 is still just as passionate as she was at 9 months. I have found that because I have always handled... hitting, throwing, bitting and kicking the same way the behavior does not last long.

However your daughter will revisit all of the above several time over the next few years. Be firm, don't yell... just be matter of fact and consistant with your response.

Being loving does not mean letting your children hit you or being passive! I have a friend that thought "don't do that" and tried to distract him was a good solution for her son. Our children are in play group together. Now she has a 2 year old son who hits, kicks not only her but other children as he has never had a consequence for his actions. She always says "I don't know what to do" but frankly she has never done anything!!!

Be aware of your daughter as she changes and look at new options as she too learns and grows!

Best of luck,
H.

When my nephew acts up like hitting, my sister in law will put her son down and turn her back on him. he will tug at her leg and start to cry. she will then pick him up after a few minutes and tell him that he hurt her feelings. kinda like a time out. Try putting the baby in a crib or play pen and see what happens. Good luck!

1) Keep nails short.
2) When she tries to scratch you, tell her "no" with a stern face and take her hand and show her how to nicely rub your face and say, "yes" with a happy face.
3) If she then scratches your face, tell her no, put her down facing away from you.

She isn't trying to hurt you. She is trying to get a reaction out of you - to have a bit of control over her tiny little world. She likes seeing mommy's face change and it is almost a game.

My first son was a scratcher. My second son was a biter. LOL.

It is definitely too young for any sort of physical discipline at your daughter's young age, however, you need to remain firm in telling her NO. But also say, "That hurts Mommy!" If she does not relent, set her down. Do not ignore her, but let her know, that you will not let her hurt you, out of frustration. The same way you would not want to punish her out of your frustration.

First of all, you can't discipline a baby that young. I would keep her nails short, in case she catches you by surprise. When she scratches you, say, "no scratching" and put her down and walk away from her (make sure that she's safe before you do so, of course.) Ignoring the behavior is the best thing to do at her age. After a minute or so, go back to her and resume whatever it was that you were doing before.

try this. Aletha Solter is an AP psychologist.
http://www.awareparenting.com/articles.htm

Hi E.
I am a Nanny living in Manhattan Beach and regarding your young daughter scratching your face when she cannot get something she wants is because she is testing hers and your boundries as to what she can and cannot do.. What should be done is try to give her time outs or just rto put her in her crib..I know she is young but babies are much stronger than you think and they understand more than we realise...I have been Nannying for 30 years and have discovered this in many cases....I must admit 9 months old is very young to start retaliating to what she will and will not do...I think to just speak to her is not going to work as you must learn to be stronger in giving discipline that she wants you to be....
Sincerely
Val higgins

I am very similar though I do not sew much and I don't crochet or knit. Sounds like we are raising our children in a similar manner... When my first baby, a girl, started hitting me around that same age I would tell her no and when it would make her laugh I would put her down and ignore her for a minute. I didn't ignore her for long since she was just an infant. She would start hitting me thinking it was funny when we would lay down to rest and I would get up and leave the room for a minute or so. It took a while but she started to get the picture.

The day I really saw the impact was when she thought it was funny to keep hitting Daddy and he set her down and ignored her and continued our conversation. She was about 13 or 14 months at that point. Boy, the look on her face...she knew he didn't think it was funny. I felt bad because it was apparent she really felt bad about it.

I agree with what's been said for the most part. Time out? Not so sure they really understand that at that age. I would simply hold her hands down, turn my face away, and shake my head back and forth saying "No, that hurts mommy" I'd repeat this over and over until she gets it. I'd even set her down if she persists. Shortly after picking her up again. I have even held their soft hand to my face and rubbed softly repeating "soft to mommy, soft, soft."

She sounds like a smart, sweet girl having a temper tantrum. :o) Love and guide her through it gently she'll be great! Good luck!

There is no reason that you should let your child hurt you. It's perfectly ok to put her down and give a firm "NO!". Every time she scratches (mine pulled my hair) do the same thing. You only need to put her down for 30 seconds or so. With enough repetition, eventually she will figure it out. Just be consistent and comfort her when she gets really upset, but draw the line at hurting others. It took a couple weeks for my son to get the hang of this at that age. When he was about 17-18 months he went through a hitting/kicking stage and we did the same thing, evenutally starting time outs. But at nine months, real time outs are futile.

Have you tried giving her what she wants?

Hi E.!

I think since the baby doesn't know she is doing anything wrong, and doesn't mean to do anything wrong, (isn't rebelling, per se) that harsh discipline would be confusing and scary for her. At this point she is probably used to getting what she wants (not in a bad way) since she's just a little baby, and when she doesn't get it she's just trying to get her attention. I know she isn't talking yet but I would explain to her anyway, with words, "Mommy doesn't like that, it hurts Mommy," in a stern voice, and move her so she can't reach you.

Oh, another idea- you might start teaching her sign language- it's a way for her to express her needs before she can use words. This may help her; she may just be frustrated. You can just start with a few simple signs, like eat, more, and all done- they can make a world of difference. (Signing Times is a good resource).

Good luck! I'd love to hear what works, since I'm going to deal with that soon enough!

I suggest you read Dr Sears' THE DICIPLINE BOOK the Sears group is a great resource for AP parenting

Hi E.,

I think continuing to do what you're doing - gentle distraction- is right. Certainly not punishment because she isn't trying to hurt you, just get your attention. Things get easier once they can talk and let you know their needs. Ignore the behavior so you don't reinforce it, just move her hands away and maybe turn your head away for a few seconds when you do so it won't give her the positive reinforcement that a reaction (even negative) gives her.

V.

My 9 month old daughter has a strong vice-like grip and has been grabbing at my face, eyes, lips and hair. I take her hand to my face and smooth the palm of her hand over my face and tell her "gentle" over and over again. When she yanks my hair I tell her "no, you are hurting mama". Eventually, they get it....

I'm not very familiar with attachment parenting. However, every child needs to learn that nobody wants to be around someone who is always hurting others. If you are comfortable with this say, "That hurts me. I don't like it when you hurt me." While doing this put your daughter down and move away a little. After a moment or two (however long you are comfortable with) have her say sorry and give you a hug.

Ther real consideration is what do you expect her to learn in the long run? How do you want her to treat you (and others) when she is six or a teen? Start the teaching process now!!!

You are doing the right thing. At this age, keeping it simple by saying "No No" and distracting her with positive reinforcement will work, but it takes time. It's very important to be consistent. If she keeps doing it, put her down or so she can't reach your face, but give her an alternative way to get her frustration out - maybe get some pots and pans and let her bang them, it's great fun and will distract her for sure and all the while get her frustration out without even knowing it. And I agree with the response to replace it with something loving so take her hand and have her gently rub your face and say "Nice Nice". That's what we do with our one year old when she "tries" to pet the cat so she's learning how to be gentle. Hang in there, this is totally normal!

I totally understand your reluctance with physical discipline of a baby. BUT up to a certain age all they understand is just that. I refer to this as the 'pet stage.' You don't have to hit or hurt her when she does the scratching, BUT try some kind of physical restraint like grabbing and holding her hand(s) when she does this while looking her in the eye and telling her firmly NO. Do NOT scratch Mommy! And make sure you hold those hands down long enough for her to not like it one bit. And most important - be consistant.

Baby's operate at the level of genius with how quickly they learn. And one thing she's learning right now is how she's allowed to treat you. Kind words don't work real well on a 9 month old who doesn't understand language yet. What they understand is immediate physical consequences. That's their mode of communication right now.

she's only 9 months old, so be consistant, when you say no, follow through with removing her from a situation, and move to something else.... consistancy and follow through is the primary factor to any structure....

When she goes to scratch your face tell her no and tap her hand at the same time so she associates the two together. At her age she does not understand that the no is in association with her actions.

In my experience...I have found that redirecting babies is often more helpful than disciplining babies. At nine months of age, a baby doesn't understand what is and is not for her. So rather than a power struggle, just remove the item...or change her surroundings. When my son was that age I remember thinking I had to deal with "No" at an early age...so the problem didn't escalate. But sometimes kids like the emotional reaction we give them...and they're curious to see exactly what they have to do to get us to react again. By redirecting your baby you're not giving in to her...or avoiding discipline...you're just changing her focus...which is about all she can handle at this age. Good luck.

E.,

When my son would do that I would lovingly and firmly enclose his hand in mine and say "No". I would hold onto his hand for just a moment. If he tried to do it again I would hold onto his hand just another moment longer. Everytime he tries, even if it is another occasion keep lengthening the time you firmly hold onto his hand. He will realize that he doesn't like his hand being held and will stop doing what is causing that to happen. Don't hold onto his hand so tightly that it would cause any discomfort, you are just taking away control of his hand for that little bit of time. I guess it was a momentary "time out" for his hand. Also, make sure that you are not angry when you do this as you might squeeze to hard. Think of it as lovingly guiding your son in right behavior.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn