3 Year Old Food and Subsequent Tantrums

He is doing what he is doing because up until this point you HAVE been the short-order cook (or so it sounds like). It will take him a while to learn that YOU have changed the plan. If you don't give in now, you will have the opportunity to teach your child how to eat well in the long run. If you do give in again (and again, and again) he will learn that tantrums are the way to get the junk he is screaming for. Be strong.

I have NEVER been willing to offer my children anything other than what we were already eating for dinner. This is not to say that they have never balked, screamed, begged for something different, shoved their plates away, made puking noises, or left the table without eating a single bite. They are children and they will have their opinions at times. But what it does mean is that "most" of the time, they eat willingly, and their palates are VERY varied. They are comfortable eating and ordering in sushi restaurants, Indian restaurants, steakhouses, you name it. They like fish, vegetables and whole grains (and choose them over the bad stuff most of the time). They are 6, 4 and 18 months old.

You can do it! Eat well for yourSELF and set a good example for your child of what is expected. Ditch the junk. If it's not in your house, it's not an option.

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He should have no option what to eat, as in, if he doesn't eat, fine, he won't starve himself. Most importantly, he should be disciplined immediately for tantrums until this stops. Once he has learned he never gets away with beginning a tantrum, and stops refusing food all the time, you can be more relaxed.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

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R.:

I know when I don't eat, my blood sugar is low and I become REALLY FOUL!! And I mean REALLY FOUL!! And the tantrum over other aspects leads me to believe that this is what is happening to your son - low blood sugar.

Find out what he wants. Let him help plan the menu. DO NOT make special meals for him. You can give him a variety of foods. He can eat that or nothing at all. I realize he's young, but this is a control issue as well.

I don't withhold food from my kids. When I was growing up - alcohol was NEVER taboo for me - nor was any type of food. Now when I was in HS, alcohol wasn't a big draw for me. I know this is off-track, but "food for thought".

My GF has this problem - seriously - she makes special meals for her "picky" eaters. When they came over to our home for dinner - we actually had to have a CERTAIN brand of hot dogs or else she wouldn't eat them. Meals are just out of control at her home - instead of fixing one meal, she's like a short order cook and I'm not kidding or exaggerating. When they come to my home - and mom isn't there? I tell them THIS IS WHAT WE ARE HAVING. Like it or leave it. They eat it. I told her this and she was shocked. She's SLOWLY doing this. but it's gone on all their lives so it's been a struggle for her.

If you give in now, you will be setting the standard and giving control over to him. It's not just about his eating habits, he's playing you. If you give into him, he will take control.

His behavior could be from low blood sugar. Does hypoglycemia run in your family? what about diabetes?

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Okay, we're very religious. So what we do follows that. First, we teach gratefulness. Everything we have is because God allows us to have it, whether it is a snack given by grandparents or something we bought with our money (God allows us to be able-bodied and work to earn the money and do the work in preparing the food). So we have "thank-you bites." These are to say thank you to God, to daddy (who works) and to mommy (who prepares the food), and we change those as needed. The child has to eat thank-you bites or is disciplined. If they eat thank-you bites, they may have seconds of what they like. If they clear their plate, they may have seconds of anything in particular they want and/or dessert, if we have it. Sometimes dessert is ice cream, sometimes it's applesauce or orange wedges. So there's no telling. It's usually healthy, but like I said, sometimes it's ice cream. Thank-you bites are non-negotiable. However, if I'm making quesadillas, I make my son chicken nuggetts. If we have corn and peas, my daughter gets peas and my son gets corn. I may have them try a bite of each, but I don't always make them eat something they don't like. I'll only do that maybe once a month or two so that they've at least tried it as their taste buds are developing. Also, if there's something I don't particularly like, the same rules apply. I have to eat thank-you bites. So does my hubby. Gratefulness is not limited to children in our home. Now, for the discipline, sometimes it's that they've said a lot of stuff and made the meal somewhat miserable. They are sent to their bed with no toys (no playing) while the rest of us get a break from the negativity. Then either my hubby or I will go in after about 5 minutes and just explain again about gratefulness and not complaining. Sometimes the best way to do this is to try to put it in a situation the child understands. "What if you drew mommy a picture and you worked really hard on it and all mommy did was complain? That wouldn't be very nice. Mommy should see that you put a lot of effort into it and be thankful that you cared enough to make her a wonderful picture. When you eat your thank-you bites and don't complain, that's a great way to show mommy that you know she loves you and put effort into making food for you." We also use an If-Then Discipline chart (the one we have is based on the Bible, which is why I mentioned religion at all, b/c I think gratefulness is important for everyone), but we don't follow all of it; we've changed the disciplines so they fit us better. If dinner goes horribly with bad attitudes, tantrums, etc, then instead of having play for 30 mins afterward, they get to help clean-up, not just from dinner, but in general. That may be wiping down windows, putting away toys, or even using our wet mop on the kitchen floors. It's not that chores are really punishments, but playing with all the toys is a priviledge, and the child doesn't get to through a tantrum and then be rewarded with a pluthera of toys to play with. The chores are to keep them busy when they can't play. I would say definately don't "give in," but if you can find a good compromise for you, that's not necessarily giving in. My kids also act bad after junk food or not eating. (The junk food is usually at my parents' house, or what they bring over.) Maybe you could let him have hotdogs once every two weeks? Even one dinner each week, if served with the right sides might not be so bad, if you can make him eat the sides (I'd have him eat that first, then get the hot dog). That could be a compromise, but if you stand firm on him not getting more junk food, or having to eat the healthy stuff first, it's not giving in. It's just coming to a compromise where he gets a hot dog but eats healthy food first. You could even do half of a hotdog at a meal twice a week if you'd be more comfortable with that. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about the way we do things. It really works really well for us, and helped us with dinnertime complaining a lot! We implemented it when my son was about 3.5, and it's much better now. They key for us has been consistency. Good luck with whatever you do!

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Hi R., Maybe the reason he is not eating could be a dental problem. My daughter was about that age when I discovered two things: Once she had tooth decay on the back of her front teeth so I didnt notice right away. Poor thing was in pain. Another time she had foot mouth disease which gave her blisters on the roof of her mouth. She wouldnt eat anything! Has he seen a dentist? He should have by now. My daughter had severe tooth decay at 18 months from apple juice in a sippy cup ! If he is ok, dont make an issue about food with him. Simply serve him what you want him to eat and leave him alone. If he doesnt eat, dont fuss ( he know he gets your attention). The less you react the less he will. Eventually he will eat. If he doesnt, take him to a doctor. When they are that young, they cant express what they feel in words. He may have something else going on.

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Well, my son has gone thru this phase and I tell him the truth. You are whiny & grumpy because your body is hungry & you have not fed it. you want to feel better & not be grumpy, then eat you breakfast, lunch & dinner. until your ready to choose that though, I do not want to hear it. You can stay in your room till your ready to eat what is put on the table. Got it? I he goes to his room in a fit, then later he comes out & asks if I can give him something to help his tummy not be grumpy. I then fix him something healthy. He wishy washes back & forth cause I do healthy, but grandparents indulge and he trys to hold out here and just eat snacks, and unless dinners are eaten, there are no snacks. I just keep his dinner until he's ready to eat it. I do have two kids & so he sees his sister eating away & getting snacks & I do egg it a bit if he is being unusually ornery, I'll let her have a sweeter treat that day and that seems to speed the process. Hope this helps you to know your not alone. Their tastebuds change as they grow, but his tendency for sugar is just something he will always have. i'm sugar & my husband's weakness is salty stuff.

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Starting them out on foods that arent good for them, like hotdogs, isnt a good thing. Hotdogs have ingredients that are addictive. If you feed your kids ONLY healthy things like fruits and vegetables and lean meats and DONT give them sugar, candy, soda, cookies and chips they will NEVER crave those addictive foods.
I'm sure you can turn him around, but it wont be easy.
Keep a fruit bowl handy, let him have apples, bananas, oranges and such.
Make him drinks in the blender. You can disguise veggies in the blender by adding banana and apple.

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Has he been tested for allergies?

Well, I think he feels lousy when he doesn't eat and so he has tantrums about everything. You may have tried this -- but when my kids were 2 and 3, I would fix a plate just for them with a variety of things. You don't have to cook much -- cut up some fruits or vegetables or give them some from a can. Give him some cheese slices or those cheese sticks and some lunch meat cut up. Give him more than he is going to eat -- and let him choose what he is going to eat from the plate. He doesn't have to finish his plate, but he has to eat a good amount to be able to get down from the table. Also, kids at his age get frustrated with just the act of eating especially if you are insisting that he eat with utensils. Just let him eat with his hands if he wants to at this point and then if you think he hasn't eaten enough hand feed him -- 3 more bites or five more bites worked for my kids, so did the train going in the tunnel. If you just give him one plate because it is what you and your husband are eating and he decides he doesn't want it, you are in for a fight. So, do the variety plate, as long as it is healthy. Also, remember that you have a son that in 9 or 10 years will be eating you out of house and home, so this is just a stage that will pass. I know that it is very frustrating and tiring, but you will get through it! Good luck!

It is normal for him to be cranky when he doesn't eat (or get enough sleep). Tantrums are his reaction to the frustrations of not being able to express himself quickly/effectively enough through language. He does not have full impulse control at this age (nor do many adults). Add this to hunger and voila - tantrum. You can decrease them by being persistent about providing healthy foods for meals and snacks. If he is not exposed to the junk, he will not expect it at home. If you don't keep hot dogs in the house, he will stop expecting to get them. He will get used to eating the food that you serve at meals (especially if you do not function as a short order cook).
Tantrums are a complete loss of control on his part. He is not able to process what you say while he is in the middle of one. The best you can do is wait until it is over (sitting with him or holding him/hugging him if he wants, just waiting if he does not). After it is over and you reconnect with him - you can ask him - what does he think happened? What could he do different next time so it doesn't happen again? And let him know that his body needs food to it is not grumpy. You do not need to give in on whatever caused the tantrum. But he does need your help to know what behaviors will work better and in making him less susceptible to them (sleep, food, etc).

i'd try to find a healthy fallback that you can give him when he's refusing whatever you've fixed and is melting down. fruit smoothies are probably your best bet. but i definitely would flat-out refuse to cook separate meals, or to provide hot dogs because that's all he'll eat.
khairete
S.

Hungry and tired preschoolers are always a nightmare. That's why we work so hard to make sure they get adequate amounts of both. (Honestly, I'm not at my best when I don't eat or rest enough, either!)

You wrote that he's almost 3. That's also not uncommon for 2s, 3s and 4s to try to assert some independence/control. And, let's face it--whether they eat, drink or poop is something we adults really can't control, though we try. Aside from this being the typical terrible 2 rebellion, let's make sure there's nothing else going on and try to figure out the food issue.

You have gotten some very good responses. I have a very picky eater, also, so I feel your pain. First, like others have said, rule out any underlying medical conditions like gum disease or cavities. A child who has an inner ear disorder also loses his appetite. Reflux and/or constipation? Also, there are some diseases, like sensory integration disorders, for some children who have trouble with food textures. I would ask if the eating problems are happening at just home mealtime or is it happening everywhere--in preschool, visits to relatives, restaurants? Time of day? I'd probably keep a journal to see if there's a pattern, which is something your pediatrician will probably ask. Or, he really might not be hungry. Measure his intake, output, and times to see if there is a pattern. Also, how much water or juice is he getting? He could be filling up on juices and water throughout the day. Honestly, if he's not eating anything, he'd be seriously ill by now. So, he has to be eating more than hotdogs to survive 3 years. What has his pediatrician said? When I was concerned about my babies' diet, the pediatrician wasn't. Go figure.

You wrote that the tantrums are worse when he hasn't eaten, but is he generally a strong-willed child in all matters? Is he like this at school? What is his preschool teacher or grandparent or any other adult saying about his overall behavior? If he's strong-willed across the board, we have a heart condition and possibly a developmental matter that might require some professional help. Of course, you will continue to parent your son by teaching/modeling appropriate behavior. You and your husband should develop a discipline/behavior chart of consequences the two of you will implement and follow-through on so you don't have to feel out of control when he's out of control. So, when he won't eat, we'll ____. When he tantrums, we'll send him to his room or the naughty mat. A great book for this is "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas Phelan. Not every behavior warrants corporal punishment (spanking), and there are other ways to teach a preschooler appropriate behavior. Typically, if there is a behavioral problem, it's across the board and not just at home.

Another suggestion to help him with eat, include him in the mealtime prep plan. Is there a structure that gives him a sense of predictability? Is dinner a set time with a routine that includes him, maybe putting down napkins. He can help mix a bowl of salad or maybe some type of sauce for the spaghetti. If he's included, maybe he'll be more inclined to taste what "he" cooked. Worth a try. And, preschoolers still like bite-sized, small portions. He might prefer foods that look fun or silly, like a silver-dollar sized pancake with strawberry slices or cherries for eyes and a banana chip for a mouth?
And, to be on the safe side, until tested for allergies, you might want to try gluten free pancake mix, noodles and rices and organic sauces. Blueberry sauce or real maple syrup instead of Mrs. Butterworths. Also, try making a game out of the fruits and veggies. Test his knowledge of colors by putting different veggie and fruit slices on the table. And, if you're all eating together and trying the different dishes with dips and such, maybe he'll enjoy that.

Final thought, takes a little while though, there's something to be said about positive peer pressure. When we have fellowships at home, I'll put out a different food, appetizer and dip. My picky eater is more likely to try a dish with her friends present than when it's just the family.

If he's still resistant and his behavior goes south, you have to stay calm and remind him that he's probably tired and hungry. Try not to lose it. It's going to be hard because no one likes sitting with a screaming, out of control child, but just know that there are times when there is short-term pain for a long-term benefit. If you and your husband are consistent in your plan, stay calm and help him transition from toddler to preschooler, you should survive.

I'm not sure how to help with the food thing, we're going through a bit of that ourselves, but my husband and 3 year old get really pissy when they're hungry, and it's a blood sugar problem. If their blood sugar drops too low, they start flipping out over the dumbest things. And it makes my husband really mad when I hand him a string cheese or some crackers or something, because he's too hungry to realize he's that hungry, but afterwards he realizes what went on.

I never made other meals for my step-kids when they were little...they were used to only junk food, so I made them take 3-4 bites of something and then they didn't have to finish. If they didn't eat the bites, they would sit at the dinner table till they did. If they threw a tantrum they would go in the corner - this lasted for 45 mins one time...but my DSD finally ate her bites and that never happened again. If they don't eat the bites, then after a while of sitting at the table, they can be excused to their rooms for the rest of the night. If they do eat their bites they can enjoy the rest of the evening, but no dessert unless they finish the whole serving. Sometimes it was like pulling teeth, but over time they became really good eaters. Now they say I'm the best cook....haha - I brainwashed them! But seriously, kids are always changing their taste buds and they will try to control a situation and make you feel sorry for them - which you will....but stay strong or else they will always win and get what they want. If they honestly don't like something (it took time, but I figured out that my DSD hates black olives and sour cream and my DSS hates asparagus and most salads), then try to avoid making that for them and if you do, only make them eat a small portion of it or none at all (I always make asparagus because we all love it and my DSS only gets 3 while the rest of us eat a lot more....he doesn't even make 'gross' faces any more haha). Also - one thing I used to do to get them involved is to let them help me make the menu - so I would make healthier versions of whatever it is they liked - so DSS would get a night, DSD would get one, husband and I would get one, etc....and then one night we would eat out at McD's or something before church so it was quick and easy. If they wanted Mac and cheese I would use wheat noodles or if they wanted hot dogs I would get fat free with whole grain buns and turkey hamburgers, etc....but then the nights when I made whatever I wanted, they had to eat my meal too...that way it was fair and we all got something we wanted and it was fairly healthy. Also I have heard of some parents that will give PB&J only as backup....so if they don't eat their food they can have a PB&J so they don't go hungry...that way they still stay healthy through their difficult toddler years.....good luck!!!!!