3 Y/o Son Nightmare at Mealtimes

Hi C.,
I can relate. I have a 3 1/2 year old. When I cook dinner I make him a plate that has the dinner I make plus something I know he likes. It's his choice to eat it or not. I have found that by doing it this way I'm giving him control and he can choose to try it or not. I'm OK either way. I tried the other way, yelling, pleading, etc, but he would just dig his heels in deeper. Dinnertime was a stressful time for us. Finally I backed off and tried this other approach of setting the food down in front of him and being fine with his choice. Kids have an amazing way of getting what they need from their diet. If they don't eat enough one day they eat more the next day to make up for it. I hope this helps. Good luck to you!
N.

don't worry about it. Their bodies take what they need. Sometimes he will eat like a horse, other days he will barely eat. if he likes fruit try offering some grapes or an apple. Most of all don't worry, he will grow out of this. I am the mother o 4,ages 15, 12, 11 & 3. They all go through it. He is just a normal 3 year old

C.,

The thing that stuck out to me the most in your request for advice was, "licensed home daycare." Children develop eating disorders, (I by no means think that your child is on the way to an eating disorder,) because food is the only thing they feel like they can control in a life that is a mess. I am by no means saying that I think your child's life is a mess either. When children feel like they are not getting the attention that they want, they will act out to get it. I really believe that this acting out is a cry for attention. Try doing things that help him get positive attention. Instead of cold cereal for breakfast, try once in a while french toast, and get him in the kitchen in the morning to stir the milk and eggs. Try sitting with him to eat lunch in the afternoon. Try staggering his nap time from all the other children so that he has 30 minutes to play a memory game or do a puzzle with you while all the other kids are napping. I think if he gets a little bit of positive attention earlier in the day, he won't be look for negative attention at dinner time. Also, my favorite off the cuff advise always seems to be, "trust yourself, you have mother's intuition for a reason." Don't use candy as a reward though. Use quality time things. My favorite after dinner reward for my children was bathtime stuff, my 12 year old still asks for tub tints once in a while, or those soap crayons were fun, but I don' let them have them anymore. God Luck!

Do you have any babies that need to be spoon fed in your home daycare? I am guessing that your son is jealous and wants to fed like a baby. A lot of children back slide when a baby is in the home.

Your 3 year old is going through a developmental phase learning about control and independence. He is doing his job of testing the limits you have placed on him. Two things to consider: 1. if his actions are interfering with appropriate family rules and disrupting normal family life, he is being given too much freedom in controling his own environment; 2. in learning how much control he can have over his parents, he is pushing your sanity limits as well as testing the waters on how easily you will "cave in" to his demands.

In both instances, he is being very "normal" (I hate this term - there are no normal or average kids - each is unique to themselves, but for lack of better terminology these terms are used). However, your response seems to be inconsistent to him. Example: bribing him with Easter candy - how many times have you stated that "candy or dessert" is for after eating the main meal?

If he is going through a "picky" stage in eating, just present him with the PB&J or chicken, but be firm that he is too old to be fed my mom or dad. Explain simply that if he does not eat what he is given, then he will not get anything else to eat until the next scheduled meal. He will resist and complain, but you must hold firm. Even if he cries, throws a temper tantrum or wakes up in the middle of the night, don't give him anything until the next meal. It will not hurt him to go without a meal or two. It will not take long for him to learn that though you give choices at times, you, as parents, are in control and he must learn to follow the rules.

I know how hard this can be. I am a mother of 4 children and have been through this experience at different ages for each of them. It is hard to not feel guilty as a parent because we want to "take care of and make our children feeled loved"; but teaching limitations to what each child can control at different ages is being the best loving parent we can be.

Your son will learn quickly what he can control and how easily you can be manipulated by how you respond to this challenge. If you cave in, he will not learn proper limitations and will not be able to adjust to harder limitations later in life. So, I suggest you pray for strength and be firm. Tell him he has a certain amount of time to eat what is given to him. If he does not eat within this time frame, pick up the food, put it away, and do not give him anything else until the next scheduled meal. If he is thirsty, tell him he can have water. Giving him milk or juice is like giving him a snack. He will not be harmed by just drinking water for even a couple of meals. Believe me, when he gets hungry enough (and he will), he will eat what is placed in front of him and the cycle of testing will end.

I hope this helps. I know it will be h*** o* you; but there is no harm being done to your child. You will be a loving parent teaching your son how much control he can have at this age and he will be a more mature and balanced child.

I will keep your family in my prayers. You sound like a loving and caring family. This is just what we need more of on earth.

Karen - mother of 4 (17 yrs, 15 yrs, 11 yrs, 9 yrs), wife of husband who travels, and a full time Store Manager

He has found something that he can use to exert his power over you! Nip this in the bud now, while he's 3!

If he refuses to eat a meal, simply put the food away without saying anything. Do not say anything during the meal about his lack of eating, simply include him in conversation as normal. Do not feed him. In an hour, when he whines that he's hungry, tell him that the next meal/snack will be served at such and such a time. Remember that 3 year olds have very small stomachs, and that he should have regular snacks offered to him... even if he eats his meal, he'll still be hungry in a few hours.

If he does not eat any dinner and cries that he's hungry (and you don't want to give him a snack before bed), then let him cry that he's hungry! Let him demand milk in the night if he wants to, but you don't have to give it to him. If he's just thirsty, leave a sippy cup of water near his bed so he can help himself. Three years old is certainly old enough to sleep through the night without food. Don't say anything like "maybe tomorrow you'll eat your dinner!" Let him figure that out on his own. I bet he's a smart little boy and it will only take one or two hungry nights for him to realize that since you are refusing to fight in this battle, there is no use putting up a fight of his own.

THere's nothing wrong with giving him a small snack before bed, though, if you want to... even if he does not eat his dinner, yogurt is reasonably healthy. Or change it to something like a sliced apple and a glass of milk if you're worried about the sugar in the yogurt.

I know that it's really hard to let them experience natural hunger. I read somewhere that most American parents have no problem exerting pain on their kids (either by a spanking, or removing priviliges, etc), but we are reluctant to let them experience the natural consequence of hunger for a few hours.

My own kids are 7 and almost 5, and they eat everything (well, my 7 year old hates bananas, but aside from that he eats anything). My daughter (the younger one) is the one who tried with the food nonsense, but now she knows better. It only took a relative few times of having her non-eating ignored and the subsequent hunger to make its point. What I do is put all of the food on the table and everyone can serve him or herself. Very rarely does someone not take a certain food, and I don't say anything.... occasionally not eating a veggie with your chicken and rice does not make a difference in the long run. You might want to try that if you're not already.... having control over what goes on his plate might help him decide to eat it.

GOod luck! By removing yourself from the war over food, he'll learn that it's not worth it to continue mealtime drama (and probably find something else to drive you crazy, LOL). This too shall pass!

Hi C.--
What is the likely end to his behavior--and is this what YOU want as a parent/adult family member? Unless you want to become a 24/7 short order restaurant for your son and possibly your daughter who may see what her bro is getting and try on the behavior too (oh NOOOOO!), please consider this idea. When you fix and serve a meal and he refuses, produce and serve him a PBJ even if it has to be every meal... Tell him the simple truth--that he is old enough to feed himself most meals, and if he chooses not to feed himself, then PBJ is his choice. Tell him you are fine wtih that too--he won't starve. Don't reward him with candy or spend any more mealtime with him than with any other person in your family. He IS a member of your whole family and needs to know that mealtime is for everyone to SHARE food prepared and enjoy fellowship.
Here's a story I heard when dealing with this in my family--Benjamin Franklin was credited with this remark in reponse to a mother who had such a concern about stimulating her children's appetites. It was thought at the time that serving pickles to the child would stimulate appetitie. Ben said to the mom "HUNGER is the best pickle." Your child will eat when you help him decide how to participate in your family's meals.
At the same time, I think kids don't operate in a vaccuum--what is going on in his world to have him develop into a mealtime mookie? I wonder if the time and attention you give to your daycare kids may be causing him to try to demand your time and attention at your family meals? To address this, maybe spending quality time with your son NOT at mealtime would help ease his concern...like reading a story together AFTER a pleasant dinner with the family...or coloring pictures together and posting them in a prominent place in the kitchen or dining area to remind him of his time with Mommy...etc...
Good luck! Remember YOU are the parent and you set the loving rules to benefit the whole family even as each member of the family is growing and developing...
Happy Tuesday,
D.
I wonder if your chosen job--

hi C.
it sounds to me like you are making too much of an issue over this. if he wants pb and j, give it to him. i suggest positive attention, rather than responding to his refusal to eat. give him the yogurt its healthy, and you sleep thru the night. making no issue of his fussiness will resolve the problem much faster than making it a bigger deal than it is. he is only three, and owns all the control at your dinner table. if he is hungry he will eat anything, but if what he wants is attention, he wont eat at anything. it is all on you mama.
good luck
Aunt Softie

It does sound like he may be trying to get attention or is jealous of your interaction with the other children. I think he will eat when he's hungry.

I am going through something similar with my 3 year old little girl. She wants grilled cheese sandwiches every night. (Usually she asks for candy first) I don't know if I have the right answer ..but .. I was a very picky child. I only ate french fries and grilled cheese for many years as a child. I think when I became a teenager is when I began experimenting with foods of all kinds as I spent time with friends families and started going to restaurants on my own. Now I eat things my parents won't even eat! All that to say, don't fret too much about nutrition. In time your child will eat. You can sneak vegetables into the foods that he will eat. Try Jessica Seinfelds cookbook (I don't remember the name of it at the moment) She has recipes that incorporate veggies into your cooking by "sneaking them in" Also try to buy organics and the least processed products so that there is some real nutrition in that PB&J. Also Kids won't let themselves starve to death either, it's against human nature. Stick to your guns about making him feeding himself. He will realize that he feeds himself or goes hungry. Don't negotiate it or give in. It may cause some tantrums at first but eventually he will eat. I know it's not easy , hang in there. Sometimes my little Lily goes to bed hungry. I know that sounds terrible but the next day she is usually very eager to eat.

once in awhile i have to feed my 4 yr old daughter! i only do it because i think she misses it from when she was little...transitioning from a "baby"to a toddler is probably mind boggling to them! i know how important it is to have a quiet meal (i have 4 kids), but sometimes its more important they eat. i tell my daughter i'll feed her one bite then we go back and forth from there.maybe you could have him help set the table and talk to him about the good dinner hes getting ready to eat or have him show you how he holds his fork or help you cook...anything to help him get involved and become interested in meal time!! usually when a child is a picky eater, they will out grow it SLOWLY so all you can do is have patience and dont give up ...just turn up the creativity!im sure you'll do great! god bless!

My guess is that this type of acting out is about getting attention.

If your son does not want to eat, agree that he can go to his room while the rest of the family eats. No other food or bedtime snacks if he doesn't eat dinner. Make the dinner table a place were you can have include the kids in conversations about their day, etc. Eventually, he will want to be included in the conversations and start eating what is on his plate. He needs to conform to the rules.

If you don't demand that he develop self control now, you will have a difficult time with him in the years to come. But reward him when he has a good night at the table. If he eats like a big boy, allow him to pick a movie to watch before bedtime, or pick a book for you to read to him. Maybe he just wants 15 minutes of cuddle time. Let him pick, within reason and NO candy, what his reward will be.

C., I once received some great advice from a well known peditrician here in Clearwater. She advised me to never make a second meal for my children, who are now 6,8, and 9. If they are not hungry cover their food and let them up from the table, but, if they want something to eat later you bring their plate back to them. My three children eat everything that anyone puts in front of them today. You just keep bringing the same meal to them until it is finished. Another piece of advice she gave me was do not let them fill up on milk and juice. Serve water with lunch and dinner and let them have their milk after the meal.

C.,
I wanted to let you know that there is a counselor in the Tampa
area who works with children who refuse to eat. His name is
Robby Brown. Here is some contact info for you.
He worked with a co-worker because her child did not want to go to school and it was a royal battle to get him in the car and to drive
him to school. After a few sessions with Mr. Brown, her son is a totally different child. He actually loves school now.

He has also worked with a friend whose little four year old boy didn't want to eat. After one session, when the child got home, he asked his mother for chicken and some vegetables. Before he would only eat yogurt and that was a big fight. It would take 2 or 3 hours to get him to eat the yogurt. The mom did not do follow up sessions and she is having problems again, but i feel if she had followed through with this counselor, her son would be eating fine now. At least call Mr. Brown and talk with him. ###-###-####
Tampa / Brandon / Riverview

T.

He also serves the Lakeland area:
###-###-####
Lakeland

###-###-#### Fax


Email us: ____@____.com

***New STR Anger Management group in Riverview starting February 21st!***

Has something else happened in your house recently that may be causing him to do this? I think that giving into his late night demands is the wrong thing to do. Maybe it is a passing phase. I feel for you.

I grew up in a forced mealtime home and it didn't make me a better eater in the long run. And that's what we want for our kids, to be healthy eaters when it comes time to make their own food choices, think long term. I fell asleep in my dinner most nights, until I learned to be sneaky and feed the dog or hide food in my clothing. It's amazing I didn't develop an eating disorder. Maybe relaxing about meals would take the attention and the stress out of mealtimes. Meals together should be happy and fun, not stressful. I remember someone saying don't get into power struggles over "input, output and shutdown" aka "eating, potty time and sleeping". You can't win and will only start a power struggle.
Maybe coming to a truce. Place the foods he likes, along with some others he may not like yet on the table and let him eat his fill. When he's done, he's done. No junky snacking just yogurt before bed which is healthy and a good way to sneak in some nutrution(protein powder). Provide healthy snacks, so he eats well and let him feel some control over what he's eating. It may well be about control, he's three. It's been my experience that when kids are controlled too much over small things, like eating, sleeping, what they wear, etc... they learn to be deceptive and defiant. We really relaxed about food issues since I had such a food issues myself. We let him eat the foods he liked, limited junk and made dinner positive and now, he eats lots of new foods, will try anything and loves dinnertime. And he was really picky. Relax and have fun with dinner, that's my two cents.