3-Year Old Hitting and Very Defiant

Sticker chart? He gets stickers for doing the right things. Listening, keeping hands to self etc. Only break it down into morning and afternoon and evening. Can't expect him to wait ALL day to get his extra boost of encouragement. If stickers don't work, find something with the same thought concept that does.

That's all I can tell you. I have a (just turned) 4 yr old daycare child who has the same issues. Hitting (trying to bite me when I put her in time out) etc. I've ended up having to hold her in a straight-jacket hold to stop myself from getting hurt. One thing I've noticed with her is that if she thinks she can't succeed in doing the right thing. She quits trying. Right now I've got her earning pebbles (get enough and she gets something special) and in theory take one away for extremely bad behavior. But once I remove one, she thinks she can't reach her goal and she quits trying to be "good".

Also I think in my case and your case it is a battle of wills. You've just got to win. Make him sit where you can see him. Remind him that he gets a sticker for staying dry. Whatever method you choose, be consistent. That's all I can say, when I finally find something tried and true that works for my daycare child, I'll let you know.

Hello,
I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this right now. It is always distressing to see your child have a tantrum! Do be aware that this type of behavior crops at some time for most kids. It sounds to me as though he is testing the limits in every way he can, so it is up to you and your husband to lay some firm boundaries and to be very consistent with sticking to them. My suggestion is to figure out what the function of his behaviors are (forgive me, I deal with behavior problems for a living os I'm going into work mode right now). For example, if he tantrums when you tell him "no" for a certain activity, the function of the behavior is likely to be either a) to get your attention (even negative attention can be reinforcing) or b) to get access to that activity again. If he tantrums because you have asked him to do something he doesn't want to do, the function of the behavior is to escape that demand. In that situation, time out would not be the proper consequence because it allows him to escape the demand (i.e., the behavior worked for him). Rather, you would want to prompt him through completing the task. If you can figure out the function of the behaviors, then it is much easier to figure out how to deal with it. You want to try your best to make his negative behaviors (tantrums, etc.) ineffective for him (i.e., make sure the behavior doesn't allow him to get what he wants). On the flip side, I suggest going out of your way to positively reinforce your son's appropriate behaviors. If he does something nicely (e.g., gets his shoes) when you ask, give him reinforcement. Tickle him, sing a song, give him an airplane ride, etc. Make sure to catch him doing good things - playing well, cleaning up a toy, talking nicely - as often as possible.

Sorry, I know this is long, but it hope it helps a little.

I wonder if "no" is what your son primarily hears from you. I have seen in some other parent-child relationships that the curious, energetic, inventive child is constantly looking for outlets for all that natural energy, and constantly initiating activity that the parents find unacceptable (often because it is unacceptable, often because it's merely inconvenient or incomprehensible to the parent).

Kids who hear no a lot tend to either tune it out or react against it. If your son does better at daycare, it could be because they proactively guide all that youthful enthusiasm into productive, acceptable, and generally fun activity. Can you consider setting up a plan of action for your son at home? Prepare activities that interest him, interact with him more in a positive way. Say yes to his ideas as often as possible. I can't tell from your request whether you are already doing that, but it's a thought.

I also wonder how often you require that he do things he doesn't want to do. If you look at life from a toddler's perspective, it is mind-bogglingly frustrating, and some kids have a much harder time with that than others. Most adults would explode if they were bossed around as much as little kids. If you can reasonably reduce the number of requirements you have for the little guy's time and attention, you might be able to reduce his overall frustration load.

Things that really help when I'm caring for my 4yo grandson are:
… 1. Making the tasks we need from him become a game. When he's doing his potty dance and doesn't want to pause to pee, for example, I go to the bathroom door and start vigorously pushing away all the dinosaurs so he can get in and use the toilet. So far that has worked for months.
… 2. Participating in the task alongside him, with a cheerful attitude. This is really important. It keeps him from experiencing the task as joyless and lonely and too big to accomplish by himself. (And you know yourself that when you have negative feelings about a job, it becomes much bigger.)
… 3. Giving advance notice that you'll need to have X done pretty soon. Then notice again that X will need to happen in one more minute. Changing direction is hard for little ones. This gives him a chance to deal with the upcoming change. Then time for X arrives, at which point, I make one polite but firm request. If he doesn't cooperate quickly (and he does, sometimes) then I move into steps 1 and/or 2 instead of repeating my demands endlessly.
… 4. When something really must happen now, be as inevitable as the tides. The ocean doesn't get hung up on judgement, resistance, drama or anger. It just rises, calmly and implacably. If my grandson won't get his jacket on, or come to the table, or pick up the toy cars after my final request (3 above), I get the jacket, or guide him to the table, or bring him back to the toys and make a game of picking them up. All gently, with a smile. My attitude can make the difference between a long, drawn out episode or the satisfaction of having done what's necessary.

Thoughts on time outs: They have been found to be much more effective for giving the child a pause to get emotions under control than when used to punish for bad behavior. It sounds like your son is reacting badly to being sent into isolation. And his room should have happy associations, because you'll want him to enjoy playing there independently as he gets older. Therefore, if you must do a time out, find a neutral place where he can still be physically in relationship with you, like a stool in the kitchen.

This is a confusing and frustrating stage for parents, and is probably more the norm than the exception, K.. But consider what your dreams were when you were contemplating having a child. You probably had visions of all the delightful things you'd do with your child while helping him to grow up, right? All the happiness you'd have together?

Well, here's your opportunity to make that dream real. In the everyday busyness of life we tend to forget that we don't bring children into the world to frustrate them, or ourselves. And he's going to grow up so fast – this chance will be lost if you don't enjoy it now.

I recently read a great book call Raising Your Emotionally Intelligent Child. Sometimes a change in perspective and in strategy is what it takes to make a difference. Our son sounds very similar to yours and the methods we used from this book have made a huge difference.

Good luck!

Wow, this sounds pretty much like my Son.

1.) Have you had your child evaluated by a Devlopmental Pediatrician? If you haven't, I highly recommend you do this, if you can afford it and your insurance covers for it. We've used the Child Study Center for two children and they've been great. They have Developmental Pediatricians there that evaluate your child by you filling out questionairres, you talking to the Dr., the Dr. giving your child a physical exam and if needed, further testing-any delays,etc... They have special training more than your regular Pediatrician.

2.) Our child is Developmentally Delayed with fine motor delays, visual motor delays and Sensory Integrations or Sensory Processing Disorder. He's getting Occupational Therapy, Play Therapy and we see the Play Therapist for any suggestions on discipline and to explain what we are doing at home and how we can better deal with him and our frustration of dealing with him. You never know there may be something else going on that you aren't seeing, that he just can't explain to you. Our son doesn't like to be touched on his head or his back, stomach area. He's very sensitive to sound and covers his ears if things are too loud. Now, I've learned it runs in my Husband's side of the family. We are doing things at home to help him with the Sensory Issues and in Occupational Therapy. Be observant and write down anything unusual or if you notice certain things he doesn't like,etc...

3.) The Parenting Center offers a class in Parenting the Strong Willed Child. I just took it a few weeks ago and they recommend a book and you gets lots of handouts and watch a video and there is time for classroom discussion as well. It is $20, but it is well worth it.

4.) Have your day structured as much as possible, have a chart of what your child's day is like.

5.) Offer choices, so your child feels like he has some control over things. Offer choices on food, clothing, movies or TV programs to watch, books to read, toys to play in the bathtub,etc... Love and Logic parenting training uses this method. Check out www.loveand logic.com They have various books, DVD's, tapes dealing with preschoolers and toddlers.

6.) I've been hurt many times by my child and I have issues with my right arm/hand and I'm weak in my right arm. Use your legs in restraining him, when you are sitting down with him. Tell him Stop and don't argue with him. The less words you say the better..
Try Love and Logic, it works sometimes with our child, however not always.

7.) ECI offers free evaluations of your child until the child turns 3. I would check into ECI first and see if they can come out and do an evaluation to see if there is any thing else going on that you aren't seeing. There might be a few weeks of waiting till they come out. ECI stands for Early Childhood interventio and it is in the phone book.

8.) It got so bad with our child, we decided to put him on medicine. He is on Intuiv and he takes it in the morning 1mg. It does make him sleepy in the afternoon, so he takes a nap and it helps with aggression. He's only been aggressive with me once since we started last week on the medicine. This is huge improvement, since he was aggressive with me at least 5-6 times a week. It isn't a stimulant, it is a blood pressure medicine and they have to monitor his blood pressure for a few weeks. You might want to keep this as a last resort type deal. That's what we did and I hated to do medicine with him, got to the point where it kept getting worse and worse. Our child is now diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. We use Dr. Hitzfelder with the Child Study Center and she is the one who gave us information about the medicine. She's great.

It is a long wait to get in to the Child Study Center in Fort Worth off Lancaster Rd. We had to wait 6 months to get in. However, it is well worth the wait! You may want to fill out the application and get on the waiting list and do other things that other Mother's have suggested in the meantime. If he gets better, great than you don't need to see the Dr. and you can cancel the appointment or being on the waiting list.

You might want to check out books at the library or bookstore on Strong Willed Children or parenting stong willed kids, something along that line. The book they recommended at the Parenting Center is The Difficult Child.

Good Luck, it is very frustrating and very difficult being a parent of stubburn and strong willed child. Even just our voice (female voice) isn't a deep voice. Men seem to sound much authortative and mean business just by the sound of their voice. I know this is the case with our dog!