Our daughter, who is almost 3 1/2 still has tantrums almost daily. They are usually pretty short: 1-5 minutes. But are very loud and dramatic. Pretty much just at home. Is this normal? I honestly do not feel we do anything to reinforce them. She has them when we say no to something (not everytime we say no, thankfully) and we do not back down when she has them. We try to just ignore her and then give her lots of attention when she is sweet again. She will do it for other people, too, when she doesn't get her way. Is it time to start a reward system to honor days when she doesn't have any tantrums? I guess I am wondering if this is normal and what are some things we can do to help her manage her disappointment better.
Thank you!
I appreciate ALL of your feedback and advice! My husband and I have decided we will take our daughter to her bedroom if her tantrum is lasting more than a minute or so. I am also going to do more "teaching" during calm times. I was thinking one thing that I really want to show her is how I try to handle my frustration/disappointment. So, the next time I am feeling like having a tantrum, I will try to talk through what I am doing, which is often to shut myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. Anyway, I really appreciate all of your help!
L., I have 5 children two of which are 3 yr. old twins. It is totally normal at that age for them to throw tantrums. it sounds like you are doing everything right. She is at the stage where she is not a baby anymore and wants her independance but is still too little to have it the way she wants. she is testing her wings. With love and guidance which it sounds like you are doing. things will get better.
My son (also 3) will be fine for a while and then start being more challenging about being told no, etc. When I stop to think about it most often these also are times when he we have rotated back to a way of operating in which he does not have much control. If I start giving him choices and more let him have more of a say in even a couple of things (controlled choices) I see a pretty dramatic change in his behavior. Also, I find that he has more trouble on days when he goes to school (where he has to hold it together) he has a much harder time holding it together at home. Don't know if that is what is going on with your daughter but figured it couldn't hurt to mention it.
L. - my son is 3 years old, and he is definitely more difficult for me than my 6 year old. He likes to throw tantrums and get mean when things don't go his way.
Example:
Sebastian: Mommy, I want a candy.
Me: Sebas, you may not have a candy, it's 9 in the morning, you may have a candy after lunch if you eat all of your lunch.
Sebas: NO, I want it now, give me a candy (hands swatting me)
Me: I am sorry that you want a candy, too bad. I said no.
Sebas: Why?
Me: Because it's not healthy, and I SAID NO!
Sebas: (screaming, crocodile tears)
Me: You can go to your room until you calm down, and if you don't get yourself under control there will be no candy after lunch either.
Sebas: (runs to his room, cries for two minutes, comes back out and smiles like an angel) Look mommy, I stopped crying, I'm a GOOD boy.
Me: Yes, you are! Thank you for getting yourself to stop crying! Lets go play
It happens almost daily. phew. But, every time it happens, he goes to his room. And closes the door. I don't want to hear it, and neither does anyone else.
I understand that we need to "validate our children's feelings", but at the same time, I am the mom. I am in charge. What I say goes. I am not going to give in, ever. I am not going to negotiate. Those are the rules, and they will be followed.
I can't tell you how it makes me cringe when I see a child losing his mind or being rude to a parent, and the mom is down at his level "oh Jonny, I know your mad, I understand how you feel, go ahead and let your feelings out" as the kid continues to scream....WE ARE THE PARENTS. Validate once, and then let them know who's boss!
THere was another mom who said she is mean. I thought she was kinda nice! I am not mean. I expect respect, I expect obedience, I expect good behavior. For the most part, I get it. And when I don't, we have consequences. (like the EVERY day "i want candy" bit)
Good Luck mama. Be strong. Be consistent. It will get old after a while, and she'll be on to doing something else.
L.
The age of intense training in our home is 3. Tantrums are a normal part of this age. My kids have all gone through it. What we have done is explain that this isn't the way we treat others in our home when we want something (we make sure to have this conversation when the child is calm enough to be able to listen). We make sure they know this behavior is wrong (as another mom pointed out). Ignoring/distracting them works better when they're 18 mos.-2 1/2 yrs., but when they're 2 1/2-3 you can incorporate stronger consequences because they are more conscious of their choice and can comprehend the consequences. In our home, when a tantrum starts up, we say very firmly, but not in anger, that they can choose to settle down right now, or they can go to the timeout chair until they can calm down (usually 3 minutes for a 3 year old is enough, occasionally 5 minutes might be necessary). Spanking is not necessary; with spanking, they may stop out of fear of being physically assaulted, but this doesn't teach them to stop the behavior for the right reasons. The point we want to get across to them is that no one will want to be around you when you treat them this way. The effect of them being in another room separated from you helps them get this point and it also acts as a mnemonic device to help them think about their wrong choice. It also helps your child (and sometimes the parent too!) have a few minutes to calm down and get to a place where you can talk through what transpired, why the consequence was given, what you expect from her in the future, and then have the child make amends with you and anyone else who was hurt by her actions (always make sure you finish by saying you love her and give hugs!). The final step in the process is to have them PRACTICE the RIGHT behavior. This sort of thing comes naturally to a 3 year old because their development at this age is all about imagination and pretend play. Practicing is a key ingredient to training because we are not just saying "don't do this action," we are saying "here's what you do instead of that action."
Also pay attention to the time of day that this occurs. Often the worst tantrums or behavior comes when our kids are tired, hungry or bored and in need of something constructive to do. My kids seem to get grouchier when I let them watch more TV than usual. If you pay attention to those things and try to make sure her physical/emotional needs are being met at a time when she usually acts out, this might at least minimize the behavior until she learns to express her feelings and actions in an appropriate way. You may already be doing this, but I thought I would throw that out there.
This process may take a few months, but I would imagine if your consistent she'll outgrow this by the time she's 4 (and probably sooner!). :)
Blessings to you!
J.
It's true that school will not allow it. We can learn from them. If she wants to scream, let her know that she can either stop the tantrum and stay with you or she can go to her room and have her fit. Tantrums are no fun if no one is paying attention. Make sure she knows that it is not appropriate to do and encourage her to use her words to get out her feelings.
I found my daughter at that age had tantrums because she couldn't do things like her mind wanted to, rather than because I said no to something. Watch carefully and see if that is happening.
If is is a no tantrum, tell her she can have her tantrum in the other room but not in this room. Then pick her up safely but unemotionally and remove her. If she comes back and continues to cry, remove her again. No emotion (easier said than done) etc. Enlist the help of your husband and all around.
Ah, the joy of the temper tantrum. I found with my daughter - who is now 3 1/2 that I needed to look at things from her 'point of view'. Look at the tantrum as a reflection of the entire day. It seems, in our minds, that the child is having a tantrum for being told 'no' when in reality that might just be the tipping point for the hurt or frustration the child has been holding in and that last no put the frustration or hurt over the edge and boom the tantrum ensues and is actually a very healthy way for a child to release those stored feelings from the rest of the day. I find it crucial for me to validate my childs feelings. "I see that you are very angry because you did not get to have that or because you really wanted to do that" By validating her emotion it opens up a pathway for communication. For me as a parent it is very important that I set the foundation for strong communication while my children are very young so that we have that as our relationship grows with time. By me validating her emotions she is also learning the importance of validating your emotions but finding healthy outlets for them. It is ok to be angry, it is ok to cry but it is not ok to hit (for example) maybe we can find another way for you to express those emotions. I would also caution against the reward system as the reward is really an extension of punishment. When the child does not receive the award or the praise it is easy for them to interpret their actions as bad. It is not setting a good foundation for them as they grow and become more responsible for themselves! Let me know if you would like the titles for some books and I will go through what I have a send you a list of the ones I have found to be most informative and usefull! Best of luck, I know it is difficult to deal with tempertantrums, even from the perspective of watching our children do that to themselves!
Stay strong mama!!
L.
p.s. the reason she has those trantrums with you or at home is because of her feeling of safety - you are the person she feels safe showing that entense emotion around - you are the support person who can heal the wrong or hurt or frustration that she has experienced with love!!
I'm going through the same thing. My previously mild-mannered daughter turned three in April and has steadily turned into a Tasmanian Devil! She screams and cries if we tell her no about pretty much anything. Like your daughter, it's not all the time, but often enough that it's bothersome. Our pediatrician said it's very common to the age and eventually she'll grow out of it as her ability to deal with the world around her matures. She's just starting to learn how to communicate her feelings with others at a time when she's becoming more independent. So, hopefully for both of us, this soon shall pass! Take care and good luck!
Great question - and I agree your response sounds excellent-. And it does sound like a good time to add a reward system for tantrumless days. Be careful that you don't set up another tantrum when she doesn't get that 'days' reward.
Here's an idea --- So - you have a reward chart with sticky notes - if the note is still there at bedtime - she gets the reward - ( can be tiny-- a star - a nickel - ) - . So it's 2pm and she is '''gearing up '' to tantrum because you won't let her take the babies' dolly out of her hand - and you say quietly-- ''ooooohhh I sure want that sticky to stay on your chart - I'll walk really slow - but you need to stop fussing befoer I get to the sticky- or it's gone -- one, two, thre-- ( see what I mean- you both 'coach ' her to stay calm and give her a pretty significant window in which to settle - before she loses the sticky- note.
Blessings,
J.
Great advice you are receiving! One thing I've found that helps head-off a tantrum is re-stating my little girl's requests back to her so she knows I'm hearing her. "You'd like chocolate milk?" she nods. "Well, you can have water or milk instead." I've been amazed at how often this results in "OK. Water."
But if the dreaded "T" happens, then I agree with the other moms: Firm, calm words that this is not acceptable and she needs to go somewhere else until she can be sweet again. If she doesn't move or it escalates (throwing things, etc.) then she gets a timeout. She's two, so she gets two minutes on the timer. If she's still freaking by the end of two minutes (a rarity, but it happens), I'll say, "Your timeout is over, and you can get up when you calm down." Consistency is hugely important.
Hey L.,
Not to worry, what you describe is definitely typical for that age. When we talk about the "terrible twos" they actually range from about 15 months to about four years old! Every child's ability to handle frustration is different and it is something that she will learn over time. From what you said here, you are already doing the right things.
I don't think that adding in a reward system will be that helpful. Remember she is communicating her frustration, so as annoying as those outbursts can be, you probably don't want her to not express herself either. My guess is that as long as you let her know that you understand the communication. "I know you are very angry about not being able to eat a popiscle for breakfast." Then I think you will find that the outbursts will continue to get shorter and shorter.
Hang in there!
All the best, K.
Hi There! Can totally relate! I have 2 strong willed children both 6 and 2.5, what I've found (for my sanity) and their 'outlet' is to get them involved in activities that include other kids their age so they can 'see' what a tantrum or certain behavior 'looks' like when another child is doing it.
Yep, that opened the eyes for my now 6 year old when she was your daughter's age. Here is a source through BCC that was great support for me and my daughter and now I am doing it with my son! Just knowing that other parents were going through the same 'stage' stuff was a great relief to me!
http://www.mamasource.com/business/14179902781720100865
L.,
It sounds pretty normal to me. My son is almost 5 and still has tantrums. My daughter is 18 months and has tantrums of her own.
Try to see it from their point of view. They have all these emotions running through them that they've maybe never felt before. I'd be awfully confused and discombobulated too and react in the only way I know how: a tantrum. Try giving voice to her feelings when it's happening. Things like: I'm so mad I didn't get that cookie! I really wanted it!! or I;m so frustrated that this toy isn't doing what I want it to! things like that.
We did the voicing for my son like that and it helped. We're doing it for my daughter right now and it stops the tantrums in a heartbeat. We recently converted her high chair to a booster seat and put her at the table. She loves it so much that she'll throw tantrums when we get her down. This afternoon after lunch she was in full scream in my husband's ear when I piped up with "Daddy, I'm so mad! I love sitting at the table and you got me down" she stopped mid scream to listen to Dad's response. We went back and forth for a little bit, and her tantrum stopped.
Our little angels have had such a short time on earth so far, and they're still trying to figure out which way is up. We as parents need to try and provide the compass, and help them out. I'm not so little myself and **I'm** still trying to figure out which way is up.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
Just read Kate C's reply and remembered that both my kids seem to have more meltdowns at home, or in the car on the way home than in public. Be thankful that the tantrums are at home, that says that the child (yours, mine, her's over there -->) knows that home is safe, and they can let loose with the over stimulation knowing that there will be no negative repercussions. As hard as that is, it's a good thing that they feel that way.
Hi L.,
Warning - by the sweet nature of your question, there's no doubt I'm a mean, mean mom and my response will reflect that.
I don't believe in managing the disappointment - let your daughter FEEL her disappointment. When we try and prevent our children from having the same kinds of experiences we would in life if we ran around throwing fits, we basically set them up for a hard awakening, later. What she truly needs are your words. The calm, cool explanation, when she is in the midst of her worst, that, children who behave the way she does get nothing, sorry. It's okay to tell her - if you CHOOSE another behavior, you will have a different response from me. But, right now, you get nothing (and I don't care how loud you get - but I will remove you to a room where you can enjoy your screaming, and not subject others to it). You have to mean what you say, say it calmly and follow it through - EVERY time. Otherwise, she'll keep escalating and testing.
Really, what she is seeking from you is knowledge of how the world works - where the boundaries are, what the consequences are. If boundaries keep moving, she cannot manage her behavior in any predictable way. If the consequences keep changing, same thing. Once a child gets consistent, calm delivery of predictable results each time, they WILL settle down (though some will take longer than others, given whatever stubborn factor may be at hand). The thing is, you cannot lose your cool, flinch, give up or give in at any point or you're back at square one.
Well, that's my mean mom advice. I can only add, I have been there - done this - and the results are worth it. You'll be proud to take her anywhere, anytime, if you're willing to be the 'bad guy' for awhile.
Last but not least - three cheers for your seeking help on this. You clearly love your daughter and I bet you're one of the sweetest people on earth (now go be mean :-).
Best to you,
T. B.
