2.5 Year Old Bossing Around and Annoying Friend

Updated on October 30, 2010
R.B. asks from Happy Valley, OR
6 answers

so im not super concerned but i would like to know how to deal with it.

my daughter is 2.5 years old. i know how to handle some of her toddler antics such as whining and snatching toys from friends hands but some of her others are more complicated and im not sure how to discipline or guide her to better behavior.

1. she has a tendency to follow her friend around with a toy or cup she perceives is his, she wants to give it to him, if he wants it all ends well but if he doesnt she flips out and cries, "but you NEED it!"
2. she wants her friend to play with her so she follows him around telling him what to do and what he should play with and how he should play with it....he gets mad and pushes her or screams at her, she gets upset
3. she hoards toys like crazy sometimes to the point she cant play
4. she growls or "arghs" or makes some random noise at her friend, he doesnt like it, he tells her to stop, she keeps doing it just to get a rise (this one is made more difficult because sometimes she is just making noise because she wants to and not to purposely annoy her friend...so right now depending on intent...if its to annoy her friend i tell her to stop because she is upsetting her friend, if its just because she wants to make noise, the other mom tells her son that he cant boss her around and to ignore it but how the heck do i get the lesson about empathy in there...she thinks its funny to make him mad, ack)

she has always been a rather high needs kid. she did have an aggressive phase for a bit when she was 1 but she rarely hits or pushes now (she has done it once maybe twice since her friend started doing it more but its pretty rare, instead she has walked in front of him when running and then tried to claim he pushed her even if he didnt, oi.). she has a thing about lining things up in a row and then wanting it to remain untouched, she flips out if it is touched. this one doesnt bother me but im just giving some insights into her personality. she is better about it now but if we go shopping with friends, she loses it if everyone doesnt stay together. she is pretty passionate, she has extremely loud tantrums that pass quickly.

she has a quirky sense of humor and is pretty loving. again none of her behavior is a major concern with me but i dont feel that what im doing is working at all. help. heh. thanks.

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So What Happened?

thanks everyone for the words of advice. i did some thinking and read my dr. sears book and am realizing i am expecting a bit much from her. she is still really little. her advanced verbal skills frequently mislead me into thinking she is capable of much more. not hanging out is not really an option. both the other mom and i are good friends and this is one of the few chances i get any adult time that doesn't involve intense phd courses. i have few friends and my husband works crazy restaurant hours that take him out of the house from 1pm to 1am five days a week, so this is important to me to maintain sanity. plus she watches my daughter one night a week right now as i just started the phd program and my husband works that night. i am thinking of paying someone to watch her because i don't want to take advantage of my friend's generosity but i had been home with her for a long time and i was worried about leaving her with a stranger when she has rarely been watched by anyone other than my husband or me. i also watched my friend's son when she worked a temp part time job over the summer so it was a trade off for both of us. the two kids mostly get along and they are always excited to see each other, they defend each other like nothing else around other children. its actually quite sweet to see.

however, that said...while she may not understand or be developmentally ready, its still really important to me to protect the other child from her undesirable behavior. i really think some of the bossiness is a cry for attention. so i will focus on showing her that she can come to me for that...meaning that when the bossiness or trying to annoy her friend starts i will say, "your friend is upset, he doesn't like it when you (insert whatever she is trying to do), lets give him some space. it sounds like you want attention. mommy will pay attention to you." and then removing her from the area to give them both time apart. not in a punitive way but in a let's find something else to do over here way.

naomi, she does actually do very well with adults and older kids. she has also recently been doing really well with smaller kids, in particular infants. she used to either not care for them or not pay any attention to them but recently she has been showing so much interest in them. she doesn't even seem to mind when they are not interested in playing with whatever toy she has brought them. but she really enjoys crawling on the floor with them and pats them gently on the head and will tell me, "mommy, this is a cute little baby, he is soooo little!" all this to say, you are right, i should look for more opportunities for her to be around older kids and/or adults.

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W.C.

answers from Seattle on

Your daughter is still not really in the stage of playing "with" some one. She is playing "next" to someone. So don't expect any great social interaction for over a year or so. Five maybe.

Her behavior is not uncommon for a three year old. Have fun with it. Find things that she can collect one at a time on shopping trips to the grocery store. Then set them up one at a time in her room.

She is in a stage of many stages. She and you will just have to live through this one. As her language skills develop living through her stages will become easier.

You are doing fine, Mom. And so is she.

2 moms found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

I would look into reading Dr Sears discipline book. He talks about most of the things you mentioned here.

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

go down here to "bothersome behavior" for some of his online advice:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

this has more of the 'bossy' type advice.

In the meantime, go ahead and intervene and give her a distraction,. like the cup for instance, if he doesn't want it, take it away from her and say, "He will get it when he is ready for it, now go and play with that ball over there."

The noise thing, she needs a consequence, a good minute per year of her age in timeout will help her realize that grunting to annoy others isn't going to be acceptable. Then she needs to go and apologize right afterwords,

1 mom found this helpful
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J.F.

answers from San Francisco on

Sounds like she have a OCD even at that age.It sounds a lot like me when I was a kid.Unfortunately my parent thought that I might grow out of it but nope!I think that she just need to understand that she can not do a certain thing and that every time she does it she can make her friend go away.I never understood that cuz my folks thought that I was in my want and need and being the boss was the only way I can burn my energy.I think that the best thing right now is to see if this is just a phase.If she still does it when she is just a little older then you might want to talk to a child Psychologist.Lord know how smart she is and in her head there is nothing wrong with what she does.She just like what she like and she know that she can get things done differently in some weird method.But let's hope that it's not a permanant thing.Hope that it all work out soon.

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N.A.

answers from Seattle on

Children this young don't yet have social skills and so it is best that they play with someone who does. If you let your daughter play with an eight year old, she will behave fine and learn great social skills. Adults are great to.

Read my view on peers for the young here:
http://mothering.com/parenting/separation-anxiety

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K.S.

answers from Detroit on

I am wondering a couple of things. what are her eating habits? The more B vitamins you can have the calmer your system and they help make serotonin which is the the "happy/ calming" chemical we make on our own. Also I squirted flax seed oil into my kids mouth or had them chew one when they were little. Flax or tuna (arctic naturals have a great kids chew oil) helps your brain to be calm and developed. Also is she around dogs or public sand boxes because many many kids have pin worms. Our
Naturalpath found my daughters when she was acting similar to your child.
Our regular pediatrician said no to the worms with a stool sample but the naturalpath said it depends on the hatching cycle to get them or see them. We used Dr. Natura products and the probiotics for kids for the worms which they just poop out and you have a much calmer child.You'll see little white spots in the stool after couple of days. Almost all my friend once I told them about the pins worms have one time or another dewormed their kids. (people don't talk about it because they are embarrassed). Lastly who is she mimicking another child, things on TV or sometimes family members. We told our kids they were behaving "nice or not nice"" I had a child psychologist tell me that way your child will not lable themselves or other people. To this day my kids are in middle school and we still say nice or not nice and they rarely label anyone. Good luck I'm sure you'll figure it out.

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C.D.

answers from St. Louis on

I don't have any advice other than please continue to tell her to stop if she's annoying her friend on purpose. My daughter's "friend" has done this forever, and her mother refuses to see it. She'll find a way to push my daughter's buttons then keep at it until my daughter is crying, then laughs at her. Her mother will reprimand my daughter if she has an inappropriate response (saying "you aren't my friend" etc) but won't acknowlege that her daughter did anything wrong. It has negatively affected my daughter's relationship with the girl and mine with the mother to the point where I don't want to see them anymore. At her age, can you explain to her that she's not being a good friend, but also remove her from the situation...put her in a different spot for a while?

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