21 Month Old Tantrums Are Out of Control

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Violent tantrums, like the ones youre describing, are difficult for both the child and the parent. There are many causes for tantrums, from average toddler tantrums to violent ones like you're describing. Your daughter's new experience with day care could be a prime cause, it could be over exhaustion, health related, or any number of things. You know your child best so no matter what anyone here says, only you can be the one to figure out the best route to handle this with her. I highly suggest reading up on violent tantrums, not only for the information that may be helpful but also because tantrums containing this kind of violence are regular indicators of other problems such as developmental problems, behavioral disorders, etc. I'm not saying that your daughter 'has something wrong' with her, I'm only saying that it would be wise to cover all of the information and make a judgement call as to whether this is caused by the average tiredness issues or something more. There is a great article, that was published in many psychological journals last year. It was put out by Colorado Univ. You can read the original article at http://www.ext.colostate.edu/PUBS/CONSUMER/10248.html

Cigna also has a wonderful resources at http://www.cigna.com/healthinfo/hw170047.html#hw170084

Another great article was put out by CES, http://www.ctahr.hawaii.edu/oc/freepubs/pdf/CF-7.pdf

I hope that you find a resolution to her tantrums soon. I know this is draining, emotionally and physically, for your family. I'm sorry you're going through this.

several things were suggested to me when my oldest was throwing tantrums...I'll share...
1. Encourage her. Ask her if she can't scream a little louder, say you have seen lots better fits than that.
2. get down next to her and outscream her. throw your own fit and make it good, then laugh hysterically at your own performance.
3. (this one worked best for me!) get a glass of cold water and throw it on her. My kid was so surprised that she just forgot to keep screaming. I never had more tantrums from her until puberty.
Now, any ideas for a 17 year old's tantrums?

The change to daycare is new and she may hae picked up on a bad behavior from another child. Discuss the tantrums with the daycare teacher and director to see what sets them off, how they deal with her while the tantrum is going on, and what follow up is done with her. Try to be consistent with what they do in what you and your husband do at home. If you don't like what they do, come up with something different you feel might work and ask them to try it out while she's at school.

There may be other issues to it as well. If you are uncomfortable with he destructive behavior, you might want to videotape and take it to your ped. not only for the reassurance, but so they are witnessing that the bruises and bites daycare is seeing when she comes to school are self-inflicted and you're covered from that standpoint.

I'm not all about kicking and screaming right along with her in your own tantrum since children pick up what you model to them as acceptable behavior. However, I picked up ideas from "Happiest Toddler on the Block" that work for us and sound a lot like another suggestion in an earlier reply. We speak to my son in exagerated tones and a few small words at a time when he's upset to let him know that we know he's upset, he's being heard, and he has a right to be mad. Then in simple terms we explain why he can't do something (most often the reason of the tantrum or bad behavior for us) and then quickly suggest and alternative that works towards what we want.

We also picked up from our daycare the idea of a crying chair/rug. It's separate from time out and set in a quiet and safe area of the house. We explained during a rare quiet and sweet moment that sometimes we all need to have a place to go when we are mad or just need to think. It's not a time out like a hitting time out or biting timeout and he can leave it when he feels like he's ready. When a tantrum starts for an irrational reason we ask him if he needs a "crying timeout." Sometimes it's a no and the tears dry up automatically. Sometimes it's a yes and he walks over holding my hand or makes his way there on his own. It was really important that we explained that hitting himself made Mommy and Daddy very mad and that when we're mad we can't play with him until we've had some time in our own crying timeout.

A few thoughts reading your description of your daughter's tantrums:

1) Please, please investigate food allergies - undiagnosed, these can result in a low-grade but high-impact physical discomfort and overall irritation that shows itself as horrible tantrums, really fragile/needy emotional states, etc. The excellent book "Is This Your Child" by MD Doris Rapp will help you to analyse whether your daughter is experiencing symptoms of a food allergy. A quickie read here might help too:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/4/T041800.asp#T041803
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/4/t041800.asp

2) I don't know how verbal your daughter is, but if she's frustrated by not being able to express herself (which is a really common thing for toddlers!), consider learning some simple sign language signs together - LOVE the series called Signing Time for this. The DVDs are so well done, and both of my kids, my husband and I, and even grandma have watched and learned some really helpful signs that I am *positive* have reduced the number and severity of tantrums we experience around here. More info:
http://www.signingtime.com/

3) How is your daughter sleeping? If she's not getting enough sleep, or if her sleep is just poor quality (waking many many times a night, not waking up rested, not napping during the day), then she might be having these tantrums due to just being so overtired that she can't deal. Even my 4 yr old still has moments where we wonder, "what the heck?!?" and then we realize "oh yeah, 2 nights ago was an unusually late night because of that dance recital - she's probably not yet caught up on her sleep."

4) Ditto for hunger and/or potty. My kids (shoot, even I do this!) get kind of fragile, easily set off, moody when they're hungry (due for a meal or snack) or needing to go to the bathroom.

5) Big life changes? You mentioned 3 days at daycare, and that transition might be really tough for her?

Best of luck to you both in tracking down the cause of these tantrums. I do think that while a certain amount/level of tantruming happens during toddlerhood, the frequency and severity you're talking about usually has some bigger, more physical or emotional need/reason behind it.

My son didn't ever throw them very often but he would run himself into walls and doors at full speed, then fall backwards on the ground cause he hit so hard. I couldn't hold him, as in cuddling him, but actually restrain him. My mother worked with behavior problem child in a special school for 7 years and she showed me a safe and easy way to hold my son so he wouldn't hurt himself. When he calmed down, we would tell him that it wasn't acceptable behavior. They didn't last very long, once he figured out he could not get what he wanted from them they stopped. If he was not hurting himself, I did not even pay attention to him, or try to make him happy. I would simply set him in his room with the door open where I could see him and say "when you are finished you may come out." It seemed to work.
I would find out if some other kids at day care do this, or if she is doing it at day care or just at home. Maybe she is having trouble adjusting to her new surroundings, or she is not getting the naps or even amount of attention she needs during the day. There's a chance she is becoming over stimulated, and needs more breaks throughout the day of some sort. I hope others come up with other ways to help you!

Do these tantrums happen at the same time? Toddlers need constant routine. I have a strange feeling ~ I feel you need to look into getting her into another daycare. Her behavior is out of the norm. (But what is the normal for toddler tantrums. It seems to me somethings are going on at daycare that you don't know about and she is too young to tell you. Maybe have a relative look after her for two weeks when you have to work. See if her behavior changes. Hopfully your little angel is safe when you are out of her sight.

You've gotten some good advice already! My dd wasn't quite so violent with her tantrums but I believe it's not all that unusual. I'd say for sure you should make sure you never make it rewarding for her to throw a tantrum--that might work for a minute but then it will reinforce that she gets good things if she acts that way!
One thing you could try is videotaping her, saying "ooh this is a good one let's show everyone how angry soandso can get!" Another thing that worked with my daughter is showing that I understood how she felt by saying "oh, soanso is so ANGRY, MOMMY won't give her the toy...sosandso is MAD at Mommy" etc. It would take a few minutes but she'd start to calm down when she realized I was right there with her LOL
Last, you could try this website--they seem a little extreme if you read one article in isolation but once you see some of their DVD's and understand the whole package they are wonderful.
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=24
Blessings,
Lynn