2 Year Old Having Problems with Separation Anxiety

I just replied to a similar question for a little girl. Here is the response (copied and pasted). Please transpose to "boy" gor you. Blessings, P. <><

The best thing to do is to reassure her that you are COMING BACK. You can do this by telling her "I'll be back" before you leave. Then when you return, be sure to say "I'm back". This allows her to relate the promise to the fulfillment.

Also, do NOT allow her to see that YOU are upset about leaving her there. Act as if it is the "best thing in the world". Tell her that she will get to play with the other kids and eat with them, reassure her that you will be back, and then walk out the door saying "have fun!" with a smile on your face.

After you are out of sight of her, then you can break down. Your confidence in leaving her will in turn rub off onto your daughter and allow her to build confidence and trust in other people (her caregivers now, her teachers later, ultimately the workforce/world).

I hope it helps. :o)

Blessings,

P. <><

Kids mature at different times and levels. Right now he needs you to feel secure. My suggestion is that you find someone who can come to your home when you need the time away. It is not thrivial. listen to him.

From my own experience with three children and my 15 years of teaching preschool children--be confindent that they will have a good time, always say good-bye, and leave right after saying good-bye do not linger.

Also, my middle one cried at drop off for months (she knew the teacher ever since she was born). I taught at the same school and saw her at recess--no tears. Just at drop off...finally at about age 4 she told me that she was sad when I left her (anywhere--school, grandma's...)because she loved me and missed me---BUT she had a good time while she was there and was fine after I left.

And, I have had numerous students that cried about going to their old school that love ours---very different environment that most (Montessori).

Lastly, if you are concerned--they will cry or have a difficult time saying goodbye--they always know somehow...

Good luck and hang in there

I had this problem with all 3 of my kids in the beginning. You should always say goodbye. Just make it quick. Start a little routine. A hug, kiss, and high five. Remind him that moommy always comes back. I taught little ones for many years. It always made it worse when moms hung around for longer than needed. However, never leave without saying goodbye. This is what most pediatricians and child development specialist always say. Talk about school the day before. Talk about how much fun he will have with his friends and the toys, playground etc..But always say goodbye.

If you figure out how to help him please let me know. My 19 month old girl does the same thing and I have to pry her off of me to leave in the morning. It breaks my heart everyday.

Try & see if this will work - when my son was little, I would leave him at my sis-in-laws and she would tell him, no, stop crying, and wave goodbye to Mom - and she taught him to wave goodbye to me, and that stopped him from being upset! Maybe this will work for you. Hope so!
M. alice

I went through this same problem for almost 2 years. I even stopped visiting churches because he would not stay in nursery. Even when he was a baby. He is almost 3 and still fusses a little but is fine within 5 minutes. What helped is I hired a teenage baby sitter for him and his sister and he loves her. So now when she baby sits he looks at me and says bye mom, by dad. Now he does a lot better with staying with people.

I agree with the general consensus here. You should always say goodbye (never slip out), tell them you love them and that you'll be back.

I would not worry about the person that mentioned austism , that is her answer to everything it seems.

However you do want to listen to what your child says. In my experiences, if your kid tells you they don't want to go back, or start to freak before you get there, something may be up with a person there. When my son was little I went to a school for office job skills and such. SO of course he had to be in daycare. At first he was fine for the most part, but he did cry and cling a little. After a couple weeks he started crying and screaming NO when we would get on the road to the daycare. No one could figure out why. Of course I asked them about it and no one could tell me a thing.. Then the woman that was in charge of his room was fired (would not tell me why) and they had a new person. He was fine from that day on. I am thouroughly convinced the previous woman was abusing the toddlers somehow. I could tell you about both my kids and the horrible experiences with most the daycares they were in (some of it caught on tape) but I won't. Just payy attention.

Some day out programs and day cares will come out to the car and get him out for you. That way he doesn't have a chance to cling to your neck. Talk to the ladies at your day out program and see if they wouldn't be willing to step outside and get him for you until he becomes more comfortable with all of this. If it's just too traumatic for him I would suggest maybe getting a family member to watch him while you have some time to yourself. Maybe Grandma or Daddy would be willing to take him somewhere. That way they could say "Grandma/Daddy is really excited about spending the day with you! Are you ready to spend the day with Grandma/Daddy?" Hope this helps! Good luck and God Bless!

Hi R.. I think people who tell you it is just a phase are right too, but I have a friend with a 4 yr old who has been in daycare since birth and he still cries when being dropped off at preschool. Some kids just do this--but that being said, I think you are doing the right thing by doing the kid's day out program. Good luck and hopefully it will get better with time. God bless! C.

Hi R.

I have the same issue with my 3 year old. The daycare staff tells me its common. They say with my daughter and other children they cry for 30 seconds then they are happy as can be afterwards. I finally found the right church for my family and they have daycare services during the service and its the same when I drop her off there. She crys of 30 seconds and off she goes playing with the other children.

Your doing the right thing bring him in and tell him you'll see him soon and you love him. Once you leave he'll settle down and get busy.

J.

I think you are doing the right thing by dropping her quickly and leaving. When I taught Bible class, it was so hard when moms would "hang around". Most children cry but are fine the moment mom is out of site.

My granddaughter is two and I am the one that drops her at day care in the mornings. She has gone to day care since she was an infant. Every morning she looks at me with her sad eyes and sometimes she cries. I don't tell her good bye, I just tell her that Mommy (or whoever's turn it is) will see her this afternoon. This may seem cruel, but I don't kiss her or hug her, that seems to make it worse. Another thing we do to not be clingy, she walks from the car to her class room. We talk about going to school every morning on the way, no radio, cell phone or DVD in the morning. We talk or sing. Our daycare has signs posted about what they will be learning about and having for lunch and snacks. We always stop and look at this before we go into her room.

We know she is fine and in great hands, she just is a normal toddler. I hope you find a routine that works for you. Your son will be fine.

Is the problem with everyone you leave him with or just mainly the one? If mainly one, it could be the person he is intimided or scared of. Otherwise, Next time you take him some where talk to him and say mommy will be back soon , then Try and step back in, in two or three minutes and say "see, mommy said she would be back," and give him a hug an take him. Have it be a time you aren't really going to leave him, and then maybe he will not be so upset the next time, seeing how soom you came back that time. And you might say, the next time you leave him, that he is going to play with his friends a few minutes and you are going to go play with yours, and then maybe we can go get (ice cream or something ) when moommy gets back o.k?

My daughter cries every single day too. When I pick her up she says..."no go amy's morrow"...I hear this everyday. She has started taking something everyday...this morning she took a cantalope...yes, like the whole thing for the babysitter to cut up for everyone. Tomorrow she is taking a maracca (sp) to show everyone. It adds a little excitement.

Change up the routine have Dad drop him off and alternate and see if this works with him. We all know our kids love their mommys. LOL But we have to get dad involved maybe this will help with the separation. Hope this helps good luck

I teach at a Mothers Day Out program so I see this a lot. Some kids have more trouble than others but it is a good sign that he is ok a few minutes after you leave. You are doing the right thing by handing him over to the teachers and leaving. It is always hard to see your little one crying but at least you know he has a good day after he settles down. Who knows if he will get better or worse with time. My daughter is now 2 and is actually a little more clingy now than she was last year (her first time away from me). It makes me want to cry every time I have to leave her like that but when I look in the room a few minutes later, she's having fun and playing with the other kids. So it's definitely harder on us than them. They are just putting on a better show. :)

R.,
I am a preschool pastor and have seen many, many children go through the same thing. The best advice is to just keep doing what you are doing. You obviously have been advised well by others about things like giving him to the teacher and getting away quickly. Just be sure you don't sneak away from him; always kiss him goodbye and tell him you love him and will be back soon. But there are a couple of things that we have tried that may be helpful.

You talk like it is usually you who is dropping your child off at the door of your child's room. Whenever possible, try letting your husband take him to class instead while you head in a different direction. Sometimes this works, sometimes not, but try it.

Also, usually children prefer to walk into their classrooms on their own instead of being carried and handed over to the teacher. Of course, if he is throwing a fit, this may not work, but try letting him walk into the building and down the hall with you holding his hand. Then when you reach his room, open the door and let him walk in. Hopefully, his teacher will meet him at the door, stoop down to his level to welcome him and immediately direct him to something in the room that will catch his attention. She might even have something in her hand that he would like to play with that she can share with him right away to get his attention off you.

Be sure to talk with your child about fun times at church when you are at home with him, and not just when you are getting ready to go to church. Find out some of the activities his teachers do with him at church, and repeat those activities at home, while at the same time you remind him that he liked doing this at church, too. If he has a favorite toy in his room at church, and he possibly has the same toy at home, remind him that he likes to play with that toy at church. Just work going to church into your conversation with him multiple times during the week, always in a positive way.

But the best advice is to keep taking him to church and other places on a regular basis. We see a big difference between children who only come to church sporadically and those who come weekly or more. But even regular attenders have difficulty sometimes, and these are children who don't like change. It just takes them longer to adjust. My hope is that he has the same Sunday School teachers each week so that he greets a familiar face each time.

You are doing a good job, Mom; just keep doing it and one day he will surprise you and walk right into class with a smile on his face.

You may email me if you would like at ____@____.com Hickman
Associate Preschool Pastor
Lake Arlington Baptist Church
Arlington, Texas

I might suggest taking him to a different mothers day out program. My daughter loved hers and then I needed more time for work (i work part-time). So I moved her to a highly reputable daycare for three mornings a week. She cried for the 4 weeks I had her in there. Then I switched her to another place and she loved it immediately. It was amazing. Sometimes they don't feel safe where they are being left. Just a thought. Good luck!

R. you have a typical 2 year old. My son still does this and has been going to daycare since he was 8 mos. old. He is now 2 1/2 and there are days where he has a total melt down because I'm leaving. The more I give into it the worse it is. I think jumping to the conclusion that your child has sensory or social issues is a little extreme. Your child is 2 they are still learning the world around them. At that age they are trying to test their boundaries and see how far they can take things, and how much you will give into. I'm not saying dump the kid and run. When you start the MDO program, create a routine with him. Try and drop him off at the same time every morning, do the breakfast routine. I found that that works best for my son. If we break that routine, I know it's going to be a little hectic for him. I've tried having is dad drop him off and it just makes it even worse. My son likes consitancy and I think that is the key. All kids will go through this, they will continue to go through on into their school age years. I think you just have to work through it with them and know that you are not the only one that goes through this. Good Luck with everything.

I will just give you my personal experience and maybe it will help you somehow.

My 5 1/2 year old and 3 1/2 year old both had major seperation anxiety but especially my 3 1/2 year old. She would scream and almost act like she was posessed every time we dropped her off at the church nursery and every day when I worked and we dropped her at their school/daycare. Yesterday she started pre-school and she cried for a few minutes but had a good day after that.

Each time I drop her somewhere she always gets over it just a few minutes after I leave, it's just the initial parting that makes her crazy. So that makes me feel better, that she isn't screaming all day long or isolating herself from other kids.

I just hope for my child that consistency will be key in her feeling better about being away from me. We go back to preschool tomorrow and I'm sure there will be tears just like yesterday even though when I picked her up she told me that preschool was the best thing ever and she couldn't wait to go back!

When I leave I do it quickly. I tell her, Mommy is going to go but I will be back soon and you are going to have a fun day! (make it really excited) Then I say give me hugs and kisses, then follow up again with I'll see you soon, bye! The whole thing doesn't even last a minute. And then no matter what she's doing I leave quickly and don't give her time to cling back to me.

It will get better, trust me I KNOW how frustrating and upsetting this can be for both you and you little one, especially when you do see the other kids just walking into the classroom with no worries. And it's hard to keep in mind that your child is probably just as frustrated as you are about why they have these strange feelings. I had seperation anxiety when I was a kid and I remember the knots that would form in my stomach every day before school. Take care, hope this helps. :)

My youngest daughter was the same way for nearly 2 years. Even after becoming familiar with her daycare, teachers, etc. Unfortunately, the only thing we could do was place her in the care of her teacher and walk out, even if she was in hysterics. We'd stand outside the room and peek in a few minutes later and she was fine. She is 5 now and still has some anxiety. When we brought her to cheer camp this year she still cried; when we placed her in the care of the elder cheerleaders and walked off she was fine within minutes... It is harder on the parents to pull away from them when it seems that they need you so badly, but it's the attention we continue to give them that feeds them and this behavior. Good luck!!!

My 8 year old still goes through this sometimes. When she was 2 and went to school i would hug and kiss her when i got her out of the car. i never said bye to her i just gave her hugs and kisses and said mommy love you. We would go in the school i would have the teacher take her and by the time i got to the car she had stopped crying. Try getting him there when he is like the first one or two and the room is already opened. That worked better with mine. Last year towards the end of the year when mine was 7 we have anxiety issues. Some are kid are like that. you cant let it bother because they can sence that. Hang in there. It is a phase and that phase comes and goes. My 6 year old never had the seperation issue. sometime she would cry and you could look at her and say get over it and she would. GOOD LUCK

Your children are only young ONCE.
You can never go back and change what you did or did not do.
He is not his classmate, he is his own little person, with his own feelings and emotions.
Maybe he has sensory or socialization issues that need to be addressed.
There is a reason for every action and it is not because he is spoiled!

I have four children - two that I homeschool and I started that because of separation anxiety that began at 4 months old.
We did not find out until 4years that there were sensory issues.
Give your child a break and enjoy him for him.

I am so tired of these parents now days that "Need a Break" or "Me Time".

Just my two cents.