13-Month-old Screams Uncontrollably

just to make it easier on you, try to have something new to hand him that he hasn't played with before or in the last 6 months. Other than that, do not give in, and go home if it gets too stressful.

I once heard someone ask about taking kids to restaurants who said, "If you don't take them, how are they supposed to learn?" I agree with that to a certain point. I think that it's ridiculous for a parent to expect a kid to behave in public when they don't behave at home, and that's where your discipline tactics need to start. If you don't believe in spanking, then an effective way to discipline a child at this age is to have a playpen set up somewhere and when they misbehave, put them in it and leave them there until they've gotten the message....and I'm NOT talking 30 seconds. Your son will scream and be upset, but don't give in and for heaven's sake, DO NOT give him toys while he is in there...he's supposed to be unhappy. The point is that he is learning consequences (and YES they can learn this early). When he behaves this way, tell him no firmly, and if he does it again, then put him in the play pen immediately and tell him why he's going there. If he behaves that way at meals, put him in there and then sit down and finish your meal. He will scream and it will be unpleasant for you at first to have to listen to, but don't let him know that he's affecting you. OR you can put him in another room. Finish the meal with your family, ignoring him until you are finished and make sure to enjoy your meal and smile and laugh with each other. When you are finished, if he won't eat, then he won't eat, or you can put him at the table by himself to finish his meal. He will learn that it isn't acceptable to behave this way and that you are not going to let him control the situation and ruin the meal for everyone else. He will learn that he needs to behave in order to enjoy the meal with the entire family. As for going to restaurants, don't take him until his behavior at home improves. Period. It's not fair to the other diners who are paying good money for their meal.

If he his behavior seems to improve and you take him out and he does this again, then you are going to have to bite the bullet and suffer a little. One of you, either your husband or you, needs to go and sit with him in the car while the other eats, and then swap places. Keep your son out in the car and don't let him eat the meal from the restaurant. He needs to learn that embarrassing you in public IS NOT an option and that you will get done what you want and he's going to be the one to suffer. Don't let him know that you're unhappy about doing this. Talk to him and tell him what's going on so that he knows that YOU get to still enjoy your meal because you behaved. Parenting is about exerting the correct amount of control and as soon as you hand it over to the kids, you're finished and they grow up to be monsters.

It's a tough age, but don't buy into the idea that they will grow out of it or there's nothing you can do. You can teach him how to behave and if you put your foot down now, then it discipline will be much easier as he gets older. Good luck.

That screaming thing is so frustrating, we have one super quiet and two screamers. For all three we always just picked them up and removed them from the situation and explained that they can go back in when they stop screaming. Seemed to work for us. It took a LONG time for them to totally get over it though. Seems like we were walking them out of restaurants, stores, etc. forever before it totally stopped. All I know, is they always wanted to be a part of what was going on and being removed meant they were missing something. Now be sure you don't make it more fun out of the situation than in and remember to not sweat the small stuff, if he wants to dump a little salt on the table - big deal. Maybe he even wants to salt your food for you. He is only one after all. Good luck.

This seems pretty normal to me. I had one child with whom we couldn't go to a restaurant for THREE YEARS (because of her behavior). She was so sensitive to her nap schedule AND to the timing of protein in her system that I could rarely leave her in someone else's care. I actually quit my huge corporate job because I knew it would be cruel to send this one to daycare.

My other kids were a breeze, but this is the interesting child. She's ten now and doing great.

My bit of advice is actually going to stink for you, but when you are out eating and he starts throwing a fit, take him out and sit in the car and wait for your family. He has to learn that you will not tolerate his behavior. And do the same in other situations. Remove him from the situation. He will get it, and it will help you down the road. When you say something about his behavior, follow through. Threats won't help unless he knows you are serious. Good luck.

Hello J.,

As soon as this behavior begins I would remove him from the area, so he has no audience. This also teaches the idea that we act certain ways in places, and if not, we don't get to be in those places. I would say, "Uh-Oh, no yelling" and walk away (A Love and Logic Technique). When he appears under control, take him back inside.

You can begin by taking him to places where you can easily leave if need be, and then work your way up to places like restaurants once you see that he is able to handle it better.

Best of luck to you! I hope this helps.

S. Wenger
Professional parent coach
www.theparentpartner.com

A sedative would help.

How does he behave at home? Do you ever take anything away that he really wants at home? What if he doesn't like the food? Is this just the same in public or is it worse? Have you worked to make it easier when you are out?
For example, if you are taking the salt shaker away, does he have other toys to play with? Are you bringing foods that you know he likes with you?
My son is 14 months and HATES when I take something away that he wants to have, so when we are at restaurants, I try not to have to take it away, or have a fun toy for him. I have him try restaurant food, but also bring food I know that he loves. When we are waiting for food, we engage him and try not to put him in the high chair until we have to.
Also, at home, when I take something like my phone away from him, I let him know that I understand that he is frustrated and why, but that he doesn't need to cry. He usually just needs a hug and a new toy, and he is good.
While I believe that there should be consequences for bad behavior, I also know that at this age, there are so many milestones going on and so much frustration because they don't have many words. Plus, a 13 month old can only take so much of restraint when they just really want to play. I am trying to start the verbalizations now rather than shutting him down, so that when he does have the words, he will be more likely to use them.
Good luck.

Here's what worked for me - who knows whether it will for you, but it may be worth a try. I have a daughter who had, and still has, a very robust voice. And at that age, she loved to use it at full volume, frequently, to express both pleasure and ire. So I introduced the concept of inside and outside voice, and every time she used her outside voice, regardless of where we were, I toted her outside, telling her "Loud is for outside only," or "We use our outdoor voice outside." When she was quiet, we could go back in. We did this at home, and we did this when we were out in public. This was inconvenient for me for the first few weeks, but very effective. After a few weeks she did learn that if she used her outside voice, we would leave whatever indoor space we were in. And it didn't matter at this point why she screamed. (We dealt with that later.) What mattered was that inside the scream itself was inappropriate.

I did allow her to use the "outdoor voice" outside, both in our yard and at the playground. Luckily my neighbors understood and didn't call the cops. One neighbor dubbed her "the future opera singer." If she was using the outdoor voice outside for inappropriate reasons (i.e. not getting her way), we addressed those reasons rather than the volume, because the outdoor voice was okay outside. (I don't mean by this that tantrums are okay. I just mean that loud is okay.)

I found coffee shops to be an ideal place to practice (as opposed to restaurants) because it is easy to leave quickly, as long as you have remembered to get your beverage in a "to go" cup. Also, since she liked being there, it made the message especially clear when we left.

Good luck.

I had the same problem with my now 3-year old boy. We became so frustrated that we stopped going out to dinner because it was such a hassle but we eventually figured out how to deal with it. Here are some of my tricks:

- Pick kid-friendly restaurants. Somewhere they have something that will entertain your son and have kid-friendly menus. Places with video games work well because then he can fake-play on the games.

- Order something for him that can be brought out immediately. Some places have bread, some have sides of fruits and veggies.

- While you're ordering for him, either you or your husband order something fast that can be brought out early, like a salad or sandwich. While the other parent is entertaining, one of you sits and eats and then takes over with him while everyone else enjoys their meal in peace.

- Have an arsenal of things to do at the table. We keep sticker books and the travel paint books in our diaper bag. The paint brushes only color on the special pages, so there's no mess. You can do coloring books, travel games, etc.

Between all of these things, you should be able to enjoy a meal out. If he continues to act up, one parent should remove him from the situation while everyone else enjoys their meal. Eventually, he'll feel like he's missing out of the fun and want to stay in the restaurant.

Good luck!!!

p.s. I forgot to mention about the grocery store. Same principle applies. I usually beeline for the bakery department after I get the fruits and veggies for two free cookies. If I can't get the rest of my groceries in that amount of time, it goes on the list for next time. I am cognizant that he has a limit for how long he'll sit still and I respect that boundary. If he doesn't behave in the store, he doesn't get the 2nd cookie and he knows that. It's a great bargaining tool. (Yes, I admit that I bribe my kids with little things to encourage good behavior.)

My only & best advice: take him everywhere you go. Eventually he'll stop screaming when he realizes that life will go on even through his fits. If you get dirty looks when out in public, ignore them-or give your own back (either inside or visibly). The best way to socialize him is to get him out there. And I've found through my own & friends' experiences that for every dirty look you get, there's a lady who's at least thinking (or will come tell you) "good job for ignoring the fit & not giving in to your child's demands"

My 18-month old has started to throw a little bit of a tantrum everyday now after coming home from daycare. I chalked it up to having a hard time transitioning, and also having difficulty communicating her needs. I will stay with her during her difficult emotional outburst and let her know I am there and that yes, it must be frustrating. But I don't give in to whatever it is she is screaming about; I just take long, deeeeeeeeeeeeep breaths and encourage her to use her words. I have stopped saying "no" and "shh" since that seems to irritate her more, like I am trying to control her (I do think these tantrums are related to control). So I basically just ignore the tantrum and wait it out with her. She does fine after the tantrum, almost like it is a release of some sort. In your restaurant situation, I would go out to the car with him until he calmed down. Could be a long wait. I do think (pray, and hope!) it's just a phase.

Hello....my best advice to you is to check out a Love and Logic class. They are amazing! You can go to www.loveandlogic.com and call them to find a class in your area. I am currently taking a class, it's for 2hrs once a week for 4 weeks. I have heard a lot of amazing responses from other mothers AND fathers about this "method" of raising children and I have to say so far its great!

I had a similar issue with my boy when he was about that age; he became unpredictable at restaurants and downright bad at the grocery. I think kids see that it upsets mom and dad when they get loud or misbehave in public and they think it is interesting to see you get all worked up. So try to act cool and confident, as you would at home. You need to have a consequence for the mishavior- I started taking my son out and giving him a time out of sorts. I've put him in the carseat and then stand behind the car where he can't see me. After he stops crying we can go back in. We have also just stood outside. The good part is that you only have to do this sort of thing once or twice and the behavior improves. But you have to be willing to do it if he tests you again- he has to know you are willing to enforce rules even in public.
Also, I supose that you bring entertainment to the restaurant with you? paper and crayons or a special toy or book that he doesn't usually get to play with? Sometimes when I see he is feeling ansy and we are waiting for the food to come or it is otherwise appropriate, I will take him to walk around a bit.
Good luck; this too will pass.
~S

J. - in addition to the great discipline tips, have you considered that when you go out to a restaurant, etc. that he is getting overstimulated in addition to being hungry, etc.?

Just a thought. One poster wrote to take him everywhere. I say that's a good idea, except to restaurants. We take full advantage of the drop-in daycare in our neighborhood when it comes to dining out. Mine is licensed and takes kids as young as 12 months. If the kids are screaming and we're stressed out, as well as everyone around us, we might as well cook at home.