11-Year Old Daughter Does Not Want to Go to Dad's

As everyone else has stated, a week's worth of clothing is fine since I suspect they own a washing machine.

As far as spending time with her dad... She is one of a family of 6 when she is there so expecting the whole family to change their whole routine would be asking a lot. What do you mean by 'boy' things? I see no reason why she can't enjoy fishing or playing ball or other activities with her dad and her brothers. If she tries to fit in with her other family, they may be more willing to spend some time doing things she likes. She should also consider that she is not just spending time with her dad but with her three brothers.

If she doesn't want to go anymore, then she has to tell him that herself. I remember going through the same thing with my own father when I was 12. I had to go every other weekend, and at that age, I just wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends. My advice is that if she wants to forego the long visits, then she has to tell him. But, this has to come from HER, not you. I remember being so nervous about telling my own father I didn't want to come as often, and he was completely fine with it. She can still go visit, and go on vacations, but it doesn't have be month long periods at a time.

My teenage daughter goes back and forth, and usually packs one big suitcase and another bag. It's a pain of course, but doable.
I don't really know what you mean by toiletries, doesn't your ex have soap, shampoo, etc? If there's a special brand your daughter likes by all means pack it, but at 11 I can't believe she would even care about that.
Also doesn't she know how to do laundry yet, so she doesn't have to pack so many clothes? My kids learned around 8 or 9, so even though I did it most of the time they still knew how to wash things if they needed to. This is a GOOD thing, teaching them life skills like laundry and cooking gives children confidence.
Sorry I'm trying to answer your question but I'm having a hard time seeing why this is such a "problem." You seem to be focused on her stuff, which should be manageable, but I think what's really bothering you (and perhaps your daughter) is that your ex isn't the kind of dad you think he should be.
Well mine isn't either, but he is what he is and my kids and I have just learned to accept it. That's just life, you can't turn people into what you want them to be.

I grew up going to my Dad's house every other weekend. He remarried and I had two step-sisters. He never was interested in doing things with any of us (or with my brother). For the most part we kids just entertained ourselves and found other neighborhood kids to play with. I also grew up going to my grandparent's house for a month every summer. First, you only need to pack clothes, a nightgown or two, and a swimsuit to last a week because everyone does laundry and whatever your daughter brings will get washed. I think I am putting in a load of laundry every 4 days! If for some reason they let laundry pile up for a month that is a little strange but your daughter is at the perfect age to learn to do her own laundry. I started at age 11...it's easy. Tell her around day 5 throw all her dirty clothes in the wash and then switch it to the dryer. She can handle that. It is really not a big deal and there is no need to pack 4 suitcases! The second thing I want to say is to encourage her to talk to her Dad herself about things she is unhappy about. She needs to tell him her thoughts. She also needs to find kids nearby to play with and to get used to going over there and being in that neighborhood. If her Dad lives near you have her call up her friends and set up days when a friend can come over. Or encourage her to sign up for tennis lessons or an art class or something fun that her Dad/stepmom can take her to for part of the time she is there. She also really needs to make some friends near her Dad's house which will make her month there be more fun. She and her Dad may never really bond much...I never did with my Dad. But she needs to try to find her own happiness when over there and also to voice her complaints to her Dad herself.

As far as the clothes go, I totally get it. My kids see their dad every other weekend and he has NOTHING for them. They wear their clothes there from my house on Friday, their step mom washes them Sat night when they have their pj's on and then they wear them back home on Sunday. If they go on a trip with them, I have to send along good shoes and jackets but will NOT provide him with a full set of clothes. He will usually buy them a couple cheap shorts/sweats and T-shirts. It just is what it is. They are 16 and 13 and know they have a crappy dad. If you keep sending clothes over there then there is no motivation for them to get her what she needs there. My kids don't stress about it because they are only there barely 4 days out of the month and he rarely takes them anywhere any more.

If you want to do something about it you can file a modification of the court order at the courthouse. Your daughter is old enough to tell the judge she doesn't want to go over there anymore. Maybe you can have the parenting plan modified to only every other weekend instead of 4 weeks in the summer. Just drop that summer plan. Then she can pack a backpack to take what she needs and bring it back.

Before you file tell your ex you want to do this and who knows, maybe he will agree! If not, then file. Good luck.

Couple of ideas.

My friend gets paid support so she buys all the clothes and sends them over there. Whatever dad buys (or his parents buy the kids) stay there. Those are considered extras. The kids bring their clothes back with them - she does the wash.

For summer vacation - I agree. Doesn't have to be as much as you're suggesting.

As for not wanting to go - is there a therapist she can speak to, that could also speak on her behalf if this gets worse and your daughter no longer wants to spend as much time with her dad? My friend did this.

I like the advice about having dad get her in some activities there (or if he's clueless, you could do this). That would keep her busy and having fun, if he's not prepared to do much with her. Would help her meet new kids there too :)

When my SD used to live with her mother and had weekends and vacations with us, she brought her own things to our house and back home. There are also three boys at our house FT so our house was full of boy stuff - video games, sporting equipment, cars and trucks, spy gear, Legos, train sets, etc. and our schedules were pretty full with hockey and lacrosse games, etc. For leisure time, she had a couple of storage boxes under her bed where she kept some crafts and other things that she liked to do, but when she got that kind of stuff as a gift or just from us, she often took that stuff back to her mom's house because she wasn't with us that often and wanted to use her own stuff at home. The only clothes that stayed at our house were dress clothes that I wanted her to wear for holidays or special occasions, or an extra swimsuit or PJs or hats/gloves/boots that she chose to leave here instead of bringing back to her mom's house. And more often than not when it came time to use those items, she had outgrown them. She used the same toiletries that the rest of us used until she was old enough to want special skin care stuff and make up, and then she packed that and brought it back and forth. So for the clothes...as the custodial parent, it's really on you. It's great that you don't have to spend a ton of money on clothes that she wears every day due to wearing a uniform (which frankly I find a bit hard to believe...I wore a uniform my entire school life but changed into regular clothes every day after school), but that doesn't really change the fact that it doesn't make sense for her to try to have two separate wardrobes when she only sees her dad a couple of days a month and then for a month in the summer. So really...let that go. If you keep making that part of the expectation for you and your daughter, you are contributing to this idea that he is coming up short and that he doesn't care. What you are expecting just isn't practical and makes no sense.

And why can't it be good enough that step mom does stuff with her? It sounds like she is trying to meet your daughter's needs and perhaps welcomes having some girl time with her...why not focus on the positive of that and draw attention away from this perception that dad doesn't care? A lot of households end up lining up along gender lines, with moms doing "girl" things with the daughters and dad doing sports/fishing/etc. with the sons. Doesn't make them less of a family.

If talking to him hasn't helped, perhaps you can arrange for a few joint counseling sessions where a third party can help your daughter and her dad communicate and really hear each other and come up with concrete steps to take to help make things better. Sounds like you've attempted that on your own but if he's not really responding, then maybe hearing it from someone else will help.

When I visit my mom for a month every summer with my children I pack what we need in one suitcase each for the whole month with no problems, does he not own a washing machine? If she needs toiletries and he is unsure of what to get ect maybe it would be better to discuss that with stepmom, who more then likely is the one doing the shopping anyways. It seems weird that you would expect him to keep a wardrobe there for her when your home is her primary residence.
I wonder if your issues with your ex and some of your unreasonable expectations (like him keeping enough cloths there for a month when she will clearly outgrown them all before the next summer) are coloring her attitude about spending time with him?

I can understand that she feels like an outsider, the other children are there full time and she only gets her father part time, this can be hard for a child. As she gets older these feelings of being seen as less a part of his core family may intensify, have you considered getting her some family counseling to help her deal with these feelings? They are not uncommon, my parents let me see a therapist to help me deal with these very issues as a young teen.

I've not been in this situation, but I wonder - how specific have you been with him? It's one thing to say - try to do things she likes to do instead of boy things all the time. But if he doesn't intuitively know what she likes to do, he might fail even if he's trying. Have you said to him - she's not so interested in A, B, and C that you usually do with your boys. But while she's at your house, she'd love to do X, Y, and Z things with you instead.

Not sure why she'd need 4 suitcases for 4 weeks. They have a washer and dryer, right? Pack 1 week's worth of stuff and they can do laundry.

The real issue is helping your daughter establish a relationship with her father. That's what you need to focus on. Forget about the clothes.

He needs to pay child support. You need to hold him accountable for that. Figure out what to do so that it automatically comes out of his paycheck and into your account. Talk to your lawyer and get that done.

You do need to provide her with a weeks worth of clothes including one or two pairs of jeans or pants and a couple of jackets or sweatshirts and a swimsuit. That should not take up more than one suitcase. Her father needs to make sure her clothes get washed. That is not your problem. You absolutely do not need to fill 3 suitcases to make sure that she has one month of clothes and never needs to wash anything.

As fair as checking the weather goes, where the heck are they going that what I listed isn't going to cut it? You might want to call her a couple of days before they leave to make sure she has clean clothes and doesn't forget to take that jacket in case there is a cool night or something, but unless she's traveling to Alaska, she should be fine.

ETA - She doesn't live at his house, so you have to think of his house as a hotel. You really do have to pack everything that she would need if the two of you were going on a trip and staying at a hotel. She should have all the toiletries she needs and all the clothes she needs. I went to private school, too, so I understand that she doesn't have the same wardrobe that other kids have. You have to make sure that she has enough for the week. Think of her father's house as a hotel, and don't expect anything to be provided (except food).

If you really want to help her get through this then send her with her clothes even if that means sending 4 suitcases!

Are you just sending her with just the clothes on her back and then expecting them to buy her a whole new wardrobe for 4 weeks including underwear, socks etc. I hope I have misunderstood you.

Also, it should be their responsibility to provide soup, shampoo, toothpaste etc. are you saying they want you to pack this stuff for her for 4 weeks as well?

You know, I get that this relationship is hard. I REALLY do. However, I think your job as her mom is to make her comfortable and support a healthy relationship with her dad. If that means you send her clothes for the time she is there, do that. If that means you send a list of the toiletries she needs and can shop for with her stepmom, do that. If I means that you check the weather where she is going on vacation, do that.

I would do all of those things if my husband was taking any of our children somewhere and I wasn't going - why? Because I'm the mom and that's what I do. I always do the little things to make sure our children are taken care of exactly how I want them to be taken care of.

My husband is NOT a bad dad, but he's a dad. He does different things with the kids than I do. He enjoys different things with them than I do. I do dance with our daughter (he and our sons come when they can) and he coaches our boys sports teams (football, baseball, basketball). I make all of the boys sporting events I can as well!

It's a team effort - whether you two are together or not. The big thing is that YOU do not shape her relationship with her father. Do what you need to do to make sure she is taken care of and pray the rest works out. She's 13, so only 5 more years of "forced" visits.

It's a work in progress.
At 11 your daughter can't decide not to see her Dad anymore - she's not old enough for the court to take into consideration what ever she has to say about it.
It's really NOT practical to keep a wardrobe for someone who's hardly there.
She's have to go shopping every time because she'd out grow things in between visits.
At 11 - she's old enough to do her own laundry.
She gets 1 suitcase of clothes - it can be a large one with wheels - and she should be allowed to do her laundry once per week at Dad's when she's running short on things.
You don't have to pack everything including the kitchen sink.
It's summer time - she doesn't need to pack a parka.
A couple pairs of shorts, a pair of jeans, some tee shirts (or polo shirts), one long sleeve tee in case she feels chilly, one set of pajamas, underwear, socks, a pair of sneakers and a pair of pool shoes/sandals - and you're good!
Maybe add in a swim suit if she has access to a pool on her visits.
There are people who backpack across Europe just wearing what ever they can carry in their backpack.
Your daughter needs to learn how to keep a few basics and work with a limited wardrobe while she's visiting.
It's a life skill that will serve her well her whole life.

Tell him to supply some basics. She could wear some of the boys cut offs and tee shirts too. Not a big deal if he gets her generic clothes because his boys can use them as hand me downs too.

As for going to see him? She has to go if there's a court order.

I have a friend who had a daughter who was musically gifted. She went through a divorce too. He got visitation every year at certain times. He got a house on the next block over so that the kids wouldn't even have to miss out on anything when it was his time.

Thing was, his family vacation was set every year around his family reunion. It was out of state. So he had all the kids....let's say June. Every single year. This musically inclined girl had the opportunity to go to a music camp, full scholarship based on talent, every year. Same week in June. Dad refused to allow it because it was his time with the girl. She had to go with him, even if he was at home that week and not left for his family reunion yet, but since it was his month he determined if she could go or not.

She never got to go. She still succeeded in life and now owns her own music school but still, she really wanted to go to music camp.

The mom took it to court. Dad won. It was his court ordered time with kiddo and he got to decide what happened during that time. Even when she was older and even driving.

I think your girl just has to suck it up and go to her dad's house. Allow her to take a couple of outfits and tell dad that's all she has because she wears uniforms and doesn't need other clothes at your house. She can choose to wear the same clothes over and over and hopefully the stepmom will wash and dry them frequently.

Because you said the step-mother pays attention to your daughter, I suggest you talk with her. She does the packing, sees to her personal care, etc. She knows what your daughter needs at her house. Her Dad doesn't know or understand what your problem is. Make friends with the Mom. Be a part of the team that cares for your daughter.

I suggest you're looking for trouble; that you are acting in an adversarial instead of a cooperative way. Your negative attitude is making it difficult for your daughter to fit in. She's caught in the middle between you and her father. I suggest you get counseling so that you can change your focus from proving he's a lousy father to how to make this situation work. You cannot change your ex. Accept that he's moved on. Accept that you cannot control your husband's relationship with his daughter. Accept that the stepmother is involved with your daughter, is looking out for her needs. Become a part of the team. Make helping time with her father to work.

Child support is an entirely different ussue. When you think of the lack of child support as related to parenting time the issue gets more complicated, emotionally. I wonder if you were more accepting of your daughter's other family, he would be better at paying? You give him a bad time, he gives it back.

If you don't think a change in your attitude will help, then make an appointment with the court's child support office. Be willing to go back to court to get enforcement. Also be willing to try other ways. I suggest that when you take care of the child support issue you can be less angry. Take back your power to effect change. Stop blaming your ex for not doing what you can fix.

I suggest he told you to look up the weather for yourself because you asked him what clothes she needs. Stop with the verbal harrassment. Find a way to accept that her father and her stepmother will take care of her even though not in the same way you would.

As others have said, send a suitcase with a variety of clothes. Don't ask what to send. Trust that you are able to figure this out and that the stepmother will fill in where it's needed.

You have the power to make your daughter's visits with her new family work for your daughter. I suggest you feel helpless. You're not! Go to counseling to learn how you can make your life and the life of your daughter happier.

I would first flat out tell he ex that DD doesn't want to go for the month this summer, and just wait and listen to how he feels about that without saying anything more. If he really doesn't care, perhaps he will say something like "well, that's fine" If he really does want her to visit, tell him you'll get back to him on that topic.

Then I would make a court appointment to possibly amend your visitation agreement. She is 11 now, and as kids get older, I believe they have more say. I would not say anything negative about her father or actively "campaign" for her to stop visiting, but rather have an impartial family court representative hear her out. Maybe a month is too long. Maybe it can be broken up into some shorter chunks of time. Maybe they can plan a father-daughter trip instead of the month long visit.

As far as your supporting her, I think you can listen to her and empathize with her feelings, and encourage her to keep telling her father how she feels when she's feeling those "left out" moments at his place.

If/when she visits, I think the clothes issue, you're going to have to accept and deal with it. Just pack her clothes, even if you need multiple suitcases. It would be nice if he bought her some things, but I'm not sure it's reasonable for her to have a wardrobe at each parent's home. I wouldn't let her see this as a point of contention.