I don't know if this is right or wrong. My husband constantly screams at my son every time he won't do what he tells him to do! He would tell him to do something about twice and if he still don't do it he would scream at him. One good example was this evening. I was making dinner and it is my law in the house that no kids are allowed anywhere close to the stove. My husband cooperated with it so now he has to watch the baby while I cook. Mostly his solution is to keep screaming and threatening the baby to paddle his but if he doesn't stay with him. He won't pick him up. My boy is hungry and sleepy and just wanting some comfort. Instead of trying to comfort or entertain him, he makes it worse by showing to him how mad he is. I tried talking to him about not screaming all the time and his reasoning was, "If I don't scream, he will ignore me!" My baby ignores me sometimes too but I always get his attention by offering something else instead of saying NO! I don't know what to do at this point. I hate to see my husband treating our son like a dog. I was raise not being yelled at all the time and this seems to bother me a lot. Anyone out there thinks that yelling is a good discipline practice? Don't get me wrong my husband play with him A LOT whenever he has nothing to do.
Thank you so much for all other moms out there that gave their inputs. It helped me a lot. I've got a few books to buy that most of you suggested. I can't remember the name of that mom that suggested to buy the DVD but I will definitely check it out.
18 months olds DO NOT have impulse control so in essence your husband is beating his head against a wall. I would try googling 18 month old and print it out to give him an idea of your son's capabilities. Sounds like he needs a bit of education about what to expect. Your son will learn to ignore the yelling and the behavior will continue if he is not offered ALTERNATIVES. He (your son and your husband: ) needs to be shown something else to do. For example: Lets not throw the vase, but you can throw this ball; The oven is hot and it will hurt if you touch it, let play in your room. They need to know what they CAN do. Yelling is almost always counter productive and will teach your son that yelling is a good way to communicate.
This is not coming from judgement, but from being a mother.
What your husband thinks is discipline, in my opinion, is wrong at any age. My son's dad and I were raised very different...he in a home, where 'wait till your father gets home' was a catch phrase and me in a home where words, not hitting was used to make points and discipline.
Your son is so young still and not ready for 'formal discipline' like timeouts. Please do whatever it takes to encourage your husband to interact constructively with your child. Yelling at someone who can't yet grasp what he has done wrong can only do harm.
Your boy is not too young to have things explained to him, and he will learn faster from that.
In many opinions, this would be considered verbal abuse...I don't know if it's that bad as I am not there, but with your post I think you have answered your own question.
rent the dvd "Best Toddler on the Block" there are lots of tips ..it's very normal for an 18 month old not to follow directions..your husband is assuming he can understand..he needs to learn how to talk "cave baby talk" it's hard not to yell at them sometimes..i've yelled..they do crazy things..but this dvd really helped.
I don't believe that screaming will work. Usually distracting your son with something is always a good idea. Book, toy, show, even singing. Yelling at him is only going to turn him off and air you out. Children are smarter than they lead you to think.
No offense...but it sounds like daddy is tired and hungry and needs to go to sleep, too.
No, yelling is not a good practice. I yell at my kids (older now, 10 and 14) and all it does is make me seem unpredictable and unstable. Of course, my sons know now that I only act that way when I'm tired and hungry (or they've done something particularly stupid...no, I don't say that to them), so they may forgive me some day...and I work hard at avoiding those states. But at 18 months, it just makes your husband seem scary, in my opinion.
When my sons were younger and I needed to make dinner, I would park them in front of their favorite videos. Yes, I listened to "Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" a bazillion times, but at least they were out of the way. If that doesn't work for you, maybe there's a baby gate or way you could block of the more dangerous part of the kitchen? Maybe daddy and baby could take a walk outside, watch something together, read a book? If those ideas don't fly with your husband, I would definitely consider not using your husband for this purpose. Who needs that kind of tension before dinner?
Oh! Other ideas: hire a neighbor kid to play with your son for 30 minutes before dinner. Find meals you can prepare after baby's bedtime and just pop in the oven and you can watch him yourself (I know we all want a break, but...)
I've always beleived that mom and dad can have different styles and they each have to respect the other's ways. But, the line was drawn at hurting the child, whether it's physically or verbally. I know when I go overboard because my husband pulls me aside and lets me know. It's not a pleasant conversation but it's one I need to hear.
Good luck. Retraining a spouse's discipline style is tough work.
I have a similar situation where my husband will constantly say "come here, come here" - not yelling but expecting our son to pay attention to him and do what he says. Well toddlers have a one track mind and it is all about what they want to do at that very moment. Our 20 month old would rather play with the pots and pans or pull out the Tupperware than sit and watch a TV program that doesn't interest him. Screaming at him will only teach him that screaming is okay and he will learn do it back at you and eventually tune you out. I know from experience and I am trying to keep my screaming to a minimum. I've gave up on trying to get my husband to tune in and participate with our son for any length of time so I had to come up with another solution. What I would like to suggest is that if you have enough room in or near your kitchen, create a small play area for him away from the stove. Put some kitchen spoons, pots, favorite toys etc. down there for him to play with or designate a cupboard or drawer that is his to play with. If he comes towards the stove move him back to the play area explaining that this is where he can play and that being around the stove is dangerous. Continue to do that and he will figure out that it's okay to play here but not there. It's worked for me and hopefully it will work for you.
I can tell you from experience that yelling does absolutely no good. Your son is still very young, and although he is not a "baby", babies are naturally inquisitive and do not know right from wrong. Your husband needs to find an activity to keep the boy busy during the time you are in the kitchen preparing the meals. It does not have to be the same activity every night, but somethingto enterytain him will be good, even a walk outside, or a puzzle to play with in another room. They key is, get him far away from the kitchen so he won't be tempted to drift into there. Tell your husband to immediately stop yelling at the boy, it's not necessary, unless his hearing is in question, or he wants it to be. Kids need to gently be reminded why they can't do something. Good luck to you :)
THIS MUST STOP NOW. Screaming is never an effective form of discipline (not even for a dog). . We all know how frstrating a small child can be, but the louder you scream the less people listen Run, don't walk to a good parenting program. I'm not familiar with your area but ask your pediatrician for a referral.
There is no way an 18 mo old is going to listen, your husband has unrealistic expectations. Frankly, what he's doing is bordering on emotionally abusive. You are your childs advocate and you must intervene. I don't blame you for not liking it, it's painful to listen too. Good luck.
Hi Kathy,
It sounds like you already know that screaming at your son is wrong. If I were in your shoes, I would really think of a way that I could approach my husband that would not make him feel like he is an idiot for screaming at your son. If you make your husband feel like he is doing a bad job, then he will just want to give up and not listen to you at all. He will just think that he is a bad parent. I am sure that he does not like yelling, but it's the only way that he knows how to get your sons attention.
I would take him out to dinner, because then you will really have his attention. You can tell him once you are there that there is something that has been bothering you and you can go from there. In stead of attacking him, you can say that you don't want your son thinking that yelling at people is the right way to communicate. Once he starts school, or has playdates or siblings, he will be yelling at the little kids, and you don't want that.
Tell him that you know it's really hard to communicate with an 18 month old and that sometimes you don't know what to do, but you have tried.....(list some ways that you have tried.) Then offer some suggestions.
I agree about the "happiest toddler on the block." They even have a DVD. I think he made the dvd for the dads so they won't have to read! Maybe you can buy it and just put it on and say "honey, I have a movie for us to watch."
I think your best bet, if you really want your husband to change is to not make him feel like a bad dad.
Good luck:)
one more thing, maybe you can get some blocks out or have a special "making dinner toy" that your husband and son can to together while you make dinner. Maybe something manly like some play tools, there was this little baseball game that my son loved at that age. It was a ball attached to this stand and you hit it with this little bat and it would swing the ball around and make sounds and say "homerun!" stuff. It was cute.
Your husband is setting a terrible example for your toddler. Your poor son will pick up that yelling at people is okay and will start mimicking this behavior as well when he is frustrated. Your husband is impatient and doesn't know the first thing on how to parent your child. HE NEEDS TO STOP THIS BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY. If it were me, I'd be very upset at your husband.
read this book- it is a quick, easy read and makes parenting fun!!! it tells you and your husband how to handle these situations without impacting your child's self esteem.
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years by Jim and Charles fay.
No it is not and your husband has a problem that needs to get fixed or your household will suffer. Get him to see someone about this and figure out the problem. Good Luck!
What your husband is doing is abusive......please do not allow this to continue.
There are many, many books and parenting websites to help you.....just please don't allow your husband to continue this. Having this experience with Dad will change WHO your son is and will become.
Kathy,
An 18 month old child cannot learn anything from screaming except fear. Your husband desperately needs to attend a parenting class or it will become a very destructive relationship between your child and him.
If you cannot make that happen,I suggest that at other times, maybe during the weekend, you do activities with your child and your husband to show him how adults interact with toddlers.
I think your husband screams at your son either because he feels helpless or because he is trying to do two things at once: watching the baby and something he wants to do, not really understanding how to be with him any other way. If you can teach him how to enjoy your little boy, the time he spends while you are cooking could become a very special time for the two of them.
Wow. Your son needs attention and he'll get it any way he can. have your husband get down on the floor and read a book with his or play trains. If your son REALLY won't listen adn obey - and you BOTH are consistent with teh rules and the lines he tries to cross, then implement the naughty mat. We had to start with #2 at around 12 months. With #1, it was around 2.5 years old. If he did something, I would warn him, and then the next time, I would send him to the naughty mat. It has to be by free-will. He WILL be bigger than you one day, so never physically force him to go there. (Well, at the beginning you can gently pick him up and put him down on the mat.) Our second son got off the mat 27 times in a row and i kept placing him back on it until he figured out that I would win. This took 3 more episodes before he never got off again without permission. We leave him there until he's quiet....and then 30 seconds later, we get him. At that age, 30 seconds and 5 minutes are undiscernable. He go over to him, tell him to stand up and get down to his level. We calmly tell him what he did, then we tell him that he really needs to listen to mom and dad - then we give him a bug hug and kiss and tell him we love him. I's over and no yelling. Don't get me wrong, we've yelled, but in the long run, they shut downa nd stop listening. Ask your husbadn how it felt and what good it did when he was yelled at. We are not taught how to parent, so turn off the TV, put the book down and lock them BOTH in his room to play until you are done. Tell your husband to pretend he is 18 months. This will be hard at first, but he'll get the hang of it.
Oh no!!! This is so hard!!! I have an almost 3 year old and I know how frustrating it is to have to keep telling them what to do or not to do. I believe that an 18 mo old is incapable of 'remembering' the rules. Your husband should NOT be screaming at him...instead, he should be distracting him, pick him up, comfort him, keep explaining to him over and over why it's dangerous to be in the kichen,etc. Babies...( yes he is still a baby, although they seem like little grownups !!!) need to be told over and over the same thing until it sticks. It's not easy for parents!!! Sometimes I would look at her at that age and think...she KNOWS what's she's doing...why is she doing it?!?! My husband would do the same thing...get very angry if our daughter didn't respond immediately...sometimes they need that few seconds to process all the info that is coming their way. I think screaming at him is teaching him how to cope...in other words your husband is teaching him that screaming is the way to get people to listen to you. I truly think that if your husband keeps it up he will see your son screaming back at him as he gets older. I see my daughter mimicking MY behavior ( good and not so good )...and she will be 3 in dec. The bottom line for ME is that I want her to grow up with the best coping skills, moral support, values,etc and it's my job to teach her....and also my job to learn from her. Screaming is never the answer...it's the easiset way for us to deal with it...but it will be so detrimental in the long run...or not-so-long-run b/c like I mentioned above...very soon they become toddlers and it's a whole different all game. Maybe speak to your son'r dr?? or ahve your husband google "discipline for an 18 month old" so he can see for himself... Good luck!!!
Screaming is NOT a good discipline practice! You have to protect your son from your husband. He (your son) will end up being afraid of not only his dad, but also of the world in general if you allow this to continue. In my opinion this is abuse. You are absolutely correct in two of the things you've said - he's still just a baby and you shouldn't expect him to act like an older child... and he is being treated like a dog. No person deserves that. I would insist that my husband take parenting classes that include an understanding of child development or I would go home (to my mother or another safe environment) and raise my son with people who will treat him with respect. That's the only way he will learn to grow up to be a respectful, loving husband and father to his own children. Good for you for saying that it bothers you and coming on here to seek help. All mothers want the best for their children, here's your chance to get it for yours.
No it isn't and either are empty threats of spanking. A toddler that size needs to be constantly supervised and entertained or redirected. You might try explaining to your husband that most people actually ignore yelling and do not hear 1/2 of what the yelling person is saying. You can try reading the book The Happiest Toddler on The Block and see if you can get your husband to communicate to your son on your son's level, not an older child's level that can understand. This type of parenting issue will put a huge wedge in your marriage because you don't respect your husband when he does it and you're getting resentful. If my husband was doing that, I'd rather put my son in a playpen for a few minutes while I cook then leave him in charge-especially if he doesn't want to interact with the child. It IS frustrating when kids don't listen but you cannot expect them to do everything you want them to do at that young age. It only gets WORSE as the child gets older. The "Terrible Twos" can be just that.....for instance-my toddler all the sudden does not want his diaper changed and would rather me chase him throughout the house than agree to it. Then, when I finally get him in the diaper-changing position, he wants to kick and wiggle. Sometimes I want to spank him for it but I know this is NORMAL behavior for his age and that helps calm me down. The same thing with experimenting with food in the high chair. Your husband has to know he's going to spill his milk all over his dinner on purpose to see what it tastes like, looks like and what your reactions will be. He won't care if your husband yells, he's still going to do it again and again and your husband really needs to try to be more understanding and not take it so personally. I hope you get the book I mentioned. It really does help. Even if your husband doesn't read it......if you do and start using the "tools" and "tricks" to communicate with your toddler, he will probably pick up on them....especially when he sees how well they work.
Of course you know whether it is wrong or right! IT IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!! You would not allow anyone else to treat your son this way. Why are you allowing his father to? Your son is going to be extremely screwed up if this continues, and it will continue unless you do something. It is your job to protect your son from abuse, and this is definitely abuse. You cannot allow it. Your husband has serious issues. He cannot control himself. Tell that man that he needs to learn how to behave starting now, or you and your son are GONE.