Hi Kathy...
Please, please, please enroll in a parenting class with your husband. They will teach him what children are capable of developmentally at what age. One of the biggest red flags of potential child abuse is unreasonable expectations of a child.
Shirley
Hi Kathy,
I know you've gotten other advice, but my daughter is just a little older and at 18 months old they have become so independent with a mind of their own. You may want to start time outs if you haven't already. I don't like using that term, so I tell my daughter to go sit, and she knows where to go. I also find the quieter I get the more control of my emotions I have. Maybe if you set the example and asked your husband to try the same thing, you can help teach him how to discipline/train your son better. After the FIRST time of telling your son to do something and he doeesn't mind, quietly pick him up and put him in a "special" place for a minute, explaining he didn't mind, etc. It's helping our family, so my husband doesn't yell as much either. Good luck.
If your in the dog house with a boss you might not look them in the eye while they are telling you what you did wrong too. It's the same way. You child isn't deaf he just is choosing to pretend he doesn't hear or is focused on something else. Tell your hubby NO YELLING IN THE HOUSE. Tell him he is welcome to yell at your son all he wants if he wants to go outside!!
I agree with many of the other mamas. What your husband is doing is definitely NOT okay, and is emotionally abusive to your son. If it doesn't change, this treatment will damage your little boy. I would start (like many people suggested to you) by finding another solution while you're cooking, and I would do that TODAY. I also had success putting pots and pans and big spoons on the floor and letting my son bang away. I've never had a playpen, but that also sounds like a better option. If there is an older child on your block that you could pay to take your son for a walk, that would be great. I'm not a big fan of putting kids in front of the tv, but just about ANYTHING will be better than your husband screaming at him. If your husband is watching the tv, you can buy a portable dvd player for your son and give him a video he loves that is just for when mommy is cooking. I truly would pick something and try it tonight. If your husband asks you what you're doing, just tell him that you could not allow him to scream at your son for one more day, and that this is something you two need to discuss when the house is quiet and you have some time. You might even let your husband read these responses. Maybe this is the way his dad treated him, but it's not something that you, as your son's mother and protector, can allow him to continue. Your husband needs some help in learning how to be a loving, patient father, which doesn't mean that he can't be firm and set limits, but in a healthy way.
I think your expectations for an 18 month old is un realistic. Why don't you try to divert his attention with a fun activity with your husband while you cook. Maybe you can give him some pots and pans to pretend he is cooking like mommy. Don't underestimate what he can understand, but certainly don't treat him like an adult either.
Good luck
Is your son your husband's biological child? Your husband sounds like a major jerk. No, what he is doing is NOT OKAY. It is mean, abusive, disturbing and you should not allow his behavior to continue another minute. Get some counseling and if he doesn't change, do not subject your son to such abusive behavior.
I understand your frustration and his too. My 18 mo throws the major fits when I start cooking dinner too. Unfortunatly as a navy wife I don't have my normal options of having daddy entertain the kids. Perhaps you could invite your husband to take your son outside for a little play time or a walk. If that doesn't work maybe art time or even tv time would work. Even trying to involve your son in cooking or giving him an appetizer might work. Since Daddy isn't around I have my son help with pouring and stiring. Maybe your husband could help your son make salad or make dough for bread.
Try to understand your husband doesn't have the necessary parenting skills to overcome his lack of understanding and patience at the end of the day. Who knows your son and husband could be suffering from hunger and impatience together. I'm sorry that it falls to you to help them come up with alternate solutions. Good luck!
Sorry to hear this...but, your Hubby does NOT seem like a great guy...if he were just a boyfriend, I'd say leave him.
Nonetheless... YOUR HUSBAND IS ABUSIVE.
2) an 18 month old IS NOT going to listen and OBEY everything we say. THEY ARE JUST A BABY
3) PLEASE REALIZE, that you BOTH need to go to PARENTING CLASSES.... there seems to be a great misunderstanding among the both of you... .about what a baby and child is.
4) HOW CAN YOU ALLOW A 'THREAT' against a baby with a paddle to his butt????
5) With the way your son is being raised and abused by your Husband... Someone could just call Child Protective Services and turn him in.... if he were my neighbor, I would.
6) Your Husbands behavior is terrible. He has to change.... he is wrong, he is just emotionally immature, AND I bet he would even treat a dog better than he treats your son.
YES YOUR HUSBAND IS TREATING YOUR SON LIKE A DOG. Um, can you see that your SON NEEDS HELP & Protection against your Husband???? I would NOT leave your son alone with your Husband. What a dangerous Dad he sounds like.... AND he could escalate his behavior AND get more abusive.
Well, your choice is: DO SOMETHING about it, or not.
Protect your son or not.
WHO & WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT to you?
Your really ought to think about the LONG TERM damage your Husband is doing to your son.... and it WILL continue, you know that.
Your post has made me feel EXTREMELY ANGRY! I am glad you wrote so you find help. NO CHILD should be treated- abused rather- the way your BABY is. Your husband is creating major problems for that child and yourselves. No child listens all the time. We as parents have to be TEACHERS. Your husband's constant yelling is creating FEAR in your child and will soon enough create resent, anger, frustration, and your son will become immune to it. So what is your husband going to do then? Start physically abusing him more than he is??? Are you afraid of him, too?? I'd rather be on the streets than live with a person like that. If partner of yours WILL NOT go to some parenting classes and take the initiave to create a HEALTHY household, then I would take your son and get the hell out!!! I am not a judgemental person, but I think your husband is acting like an a-hole! If I were you, I would NOT- for ANY reason- LEAVE YOUR CHILD ALONE WITH HIM. If your husband is stressed out or just mean in general- God Forbid he has a really bad day. You have allowed and your husband has made that child AN OUTLET for your fristrations and your anger. Please be aware of what he is doing to that child's spirit. If you need help because you're afraid, there are many numbers you can call. The women on this website can give you 100% support constantly. But YOU MUST stop allowing him to be so damn cruel. Your baby wants to be with you. You are supposed to be creating a safe place for him. This is not what he lives in now and really open your eyes- from your child's perspective- and see what he's dealing with and is not even capable. This behavior and lack thereof in you will cause problems in school and elsewhere also. You two have no idea what you're doing. Please GET HELP! YOU are the ONLY one who can stand up and protect that child because your husband doesn't care. It is ABSOLUTLEY WRONG to raise a child by fear tactics. What kind of person are you creating by doing such things? Think about it, Kathy. And please DON'T have any more children with this guy until he changes completely!! It would be horrible to subject another child to this type of abusive behavior. And you are responsible, too, if you allow it. my husband's mother did that while his father abused him. He has no contact with them, no relationship with them-- NOTHING- and hasn't for almost 20 years now. That can be your child!
There is a DVD you can buy from this doctor's website @ www.thetotaltransformation.com- The Total Transformation by Dr. James Lehman. It is a bit pricey, but there is a trial perios so you can watch it and at least send the DVDs back if you are unable to purchase them. I bought it. Contact me personally about it and we can talk please. Perhaps I can help you with it? You might also want to hide a video camera and record your husband and the baby. Give it to him as Christmas present so he can watch how bloody digusting he is. I pray it makes him cry and he can SEE what he's doing and HEAR what he's doing to his son. Actually, I wouldn't even wait until Christmas. Remember, children don't listen all the time. That's just how it is. PLEASE demand peaceful ways of teaching and discipling your child. I'm glad you wrote. I hope you get TONS of advice. And please understand this will make women VERY angry, but see your positive change and realize the focus on the anger your husband's actions have generated. WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG!! He's ABUSIVE and if he continues, I would file for divorce. PROTECT your son. It's not about you anymore!
I am praying for all of you and your enlightenment.
In Light,
Jennifer
Please contact me about those videos. It WILL help you in positive ways that will teach your child and modify his behavior as well as your husband's. There is also a phone number that can be called when you need parental advice. GLUE the phone to your husband's head and tatoo it the number on his paddle!!
This behavior from your husband is not okay. It is abusive. Why don't you plan most of your meals ahead of time, like during naptime. Have a small snack for your son to eat when you are putting the final touches on dinner. Your husband seems useless anyways. I wouldn't want his help. This is not even appropriate behavior for a dog either. You may even suggest parenting classes. There is way too many years to go for this poor little guy to be treated like this. Get help now!!
You've gotten some good advice here but I'm going to add my two cents.
My husband was the same way-he had no idea HOW to play with him when he was little and so he just didn't.
It was so bad that my son sat on the counter while I made dinner since he was a few weeks old. As he got older we transitioned to a jumpy in the door jam and he was about 18 mo old when we bought him his first set of trains. The wooden ones you can buy a set around this time of year for about $10-20. It makes cooking a little like walking around landmines but my son was happy.
He has continued to sit there on the counter and he is now 8. He loves cooking and we have a great relationship because we sit and talk and play together.
My son was about 3 1/2 when his dad finally came to me and asked me why my son and I had so close a relationship but he didn't. We talked a lot about respecting him as a person. Even kids are real people but he didn't realize that. His dad didn't understand that our son had his own mind and personality. Now, however, they have a good relationship too. My son loves his dad and they go do tons of stuff together.
YES, it will be a lot of work for you, NO, it isn't fair to you or your boy but it is the situation you're in so do what is best for your little man. My son still has anger issues that he is dealing with. He gets in fights at school and has emotional break downs when things get too stressful. Do what you can to avoid this, it is so much better to do the extra work when he is little and not have to put him through it when he gets older.
Good luck.
While i agree with some of the stuff other moms wrote so far, I think you should not engage in a my-husband-is-a-monster campaign.
It is true that what your husband does is verbal abuse. But let's face it, everybody can loose his temper (or her temper for that matter). If your husband is a loving father otherwise then He might simply be at a loss at what to do with a toddler. Especially when having to entertain him on his own. Some men just can't connect with small children. He probably can't understand why his son wouldn't do as told.
Try to teach him that his son is too little to understand what he expects from him. My husband and i have 4 kids so dinner time is pretty chaotic. He watches the kids while I'm cooking and entertains them (and yes watching some TV or a DVD is absolutely o.k.). We agreed that if he has enough, he can put our 20 month old into a playpen so he's safe and my husband doesn't get frustrated and only has to chase a 6 year old and a three year old. The baby doesn't walk or crawl yet.
Dear Kathy - I looked up what one of the mom's recommended for parenting advice - and the link was wrong by one digit - the correct link is:
http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/
That one works!
Plus I agree with all the other mom's. Need I say more?
I will pray for your two 'sons'.
Love, Ruth
I know you've gotten a lot of advice already. I think you and your husband need to have a really good talk. Find a baby sitter and go out and have a nice dinner with your husband. Let him know you understand he's frustrated when your son doesn't listen. Using all the advice that everyone has given you here, explain to him why he shouldn't yell at your son. Ask him if that's how his father treated him and how did he feel when that happened. Ask him if he wants his son to resent him for the rest of his life. If your husband is losing his patience, it's better for him to just step aside for a couple of minutes to calm down rather than yelling at your son. Unfortunately this means, you need to stop what you are doing to help. Ask your husband to try to be a better father. Hopefully he will take your advice. And if you feel he's starting to scream at your son again, then have another talk with him. My husband is great with the kids and very helpful, but he does lose his patience when they do not listen to him. So I will usually step in and have my husband go out of the room before he starts yelling at the kids. Every 3 or 4 months, we take a 1 day break from the kids, and go out and do something fun together. And then we talk about how we can both be better parents. I hope this advice helps. Good Luck!
Hi Kathy:
You've recieved alot of responses to your plight here. Some which may be of benifit,and of course those,whos first reaction is outrage.Thats understandable but I think we can all agree, that parenting,takes time, work,and an abundance of patience.Your coming here for advice, would tell me, that your a compassionate,level headed mother,who is aware there is a problem,but needs some tips on how to resolve the issue.Therefore,I'm not going to be opinionated,and tell you,what your obviously already aware of.Your instincts are correct,and you are going to have to be the one to step up to the plate,and resolve the situation. Your son looks to you,for guidance,and protection,and you don't want to let him down.I have witnessed first hand,what damage screaming and yelling at a child can do.The child developes a fear of that adult,and soon learns to (tune them out) in order to minimize those fears.They have problems keeping playmates,as they learn screaming or intimidating,will provide the upper hand.Latter, when they attend school,they have problems listening to instruction,as they've conditioned theirselves to tuning out (adult authority.)Your sons hearing is perfect.Its a proven fact,that if you speak softly to a child,they will strain their ear to hear what you have to say.This is because they are afraid they will miss something.You can try this yourself. Take him in a quiet enviroment,and say something he can repeat,in a soft voice.He will hear you.You need to have a talk with your husband. A calm,non-confrontational talk.Don't begin with (YOU) do this or YOU can't do that.You don't want to back him up against the wall,and make him feel he has no alternative but to defend himself.Begin with "WE" We need to talk...We need to resolve this. 'It hurts me,when you lose your patience and scream at our son. Make it about you both.Even if it is him doing the yelling,let him know, that your going to work together to resolve things. (Do you resent watching him while i cook? If thats the problem,then find an alternative.Understand, that this only aleviates part of the issue. Your husband,still needs to practice patience,and learn how to communicate,and interact with his toddler.It may be helpful, to play with your toddler together more often,so your husband may learn,what to do with his frustration. He needs to learn,when to let things slide,and not make an issue of them.He doesn't have to prove to anyone, what an iron fist he holds.He doesn't have to lock horns, or appear as this towering figure, over your son. Imagine,being that tiny,and witnessing this giant,whos veins are popping out of his red forehead,and all that came out of his mouth were screams, on a regular basis.Yipes! You are both there for your son,to simply nurture,love and teach.I wish you ,your husband and toddler the very best.
18 months old, 18 months, OMG what the heck does he expect, and exactly what could a 18 month old do so bad for dad to scream, do you see something wrong with this, now lets say he is five yrs old,screaming doesn't work so lets do the spanking, time for the option, learn control seek some help or lady find a new place to live , sorry but your husband is one straw closer to being a abuser..
I'm sure you will get TONS of responses... So I will try to be short:) Having taught preschool for a decade and not being allowed to yell, one gets VERY creative on redirecting. Children should ONLY be yelled at to stop imminent danger. As far as your son only listening to your hubby when he hells, that is true, that is exactly what dad is teaching son! Children NEED attention, direction, and affection. Dad needs to be more actively involved with his son, not just near him, but INVOLVED with him. You'll get thousands of ideas from other moms here for that I just thought I'd pass along my all time FAVORITE quote. It should help to get the point across to daddy that he needs to spend time "steering" his son, not yelling at him:
Trying to control a child by yelling, is as utterly futile as trying to control a car by honking the horn!
If that doesn't get things to sink in I don't know what will.
Good luck!
Heather
I know from experience at that age it can be really frustrating with their little temper-tantrums. Our parents raised us the best way they knew how, so maybe that is how your husband was taught. Just continue to be a good example to your husband maybe he will se a softer way to talk to him, if you want him to calm down and talk softly you need to be consistent and talk to your child softly and effectively. You be the light that shines in that house.
He is still a baby and can't be expected to stay with dad if dad is not paying attention to him. Dad should be using that time for some one-on -one with his little one. Perhaps since you say he is hungry and tired, you should try feeding, bathing and putting him in his pajamas before you make the meal for the two of you. If he is tired enough you could put him to sleep to or just have him sit with you and have cherrios or something when you eat.
Screaming at an 18 month old is not good for him. Have you ever talked to your husband about not screaming and playing with the child. He sounds like he needs to read books about parenting and young children.
Harriet
Screaming is never the answer.
I know it sounds weird but watch Supernanny, there are alot of fathers (and moms) that do that. She shows us as parents how to better deal with that.
Make boundaries and consequences. If he doesn't listen he can have a time out. I think it's easier for us as parents to yell, but taking the time to say "no" and why (even though your son is young) works better. He'll just grow up learning to yell and be the same type of father.
Good luck hope all works out.