I see why the daughter lives so far away!!! Ha, ha! Well I would give up my mother's day to just have that day either the day before or the next weekend. She sounds like a spoiled child who needs to have her way. Has she ever thought about what you would like to do for your own mother also on that day. Gee, selfish doesn't even begin to ice the cake! She seems to be very unruly, so either your husband doesn't care if he hurts her feelings and she can complain to the rest of the world forever "how her grown son who is now married and has a wife who is the mother of his own two children", then let her! I wouldn't tolerate it at all. I have such a hard time with family members who manipulate. If he wants to spend a couple of hours pleasing his mother, set a time limit to it and then he can leave with the children for the day.
Mother's Day is truly my favorite holiday of the year. My birthday falls right with it. I know that I do get the day off to relax. Weigh your options!
~~Diana
It is Mothers day and as long as you are blessed to still have a Mother you should spend the day with her. She may not always be around. I don't see the problem she wants to be with her child and you want to be alone perfect situation. He spends the day with his Mother and girls and you do what you want alone. It is only one day a year for his mother he can spend the day doing whatever she wants and kills 2 birds with 1 stone. Enjoy your time every mom needs it.
Buy this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-You-Forever-Robert-Munsch/dp/0920668372
and bake a cake or some cookies to leave on her doorstep early in the morning. It's sentimental and shows some love and effort, but you can forgo spending the day with her... If she uses a computer, you can send free e-cards at the beginning and end of the day to show you are thinking about her -- and a phone call would be nice. She is probably a lonely lady and does need to be remembered.
Hi Tracie- sorry you have to deal with this. Frustrating I am sure. My recommendation would be to celebrate you own mother's day on a different day that you plan special. It can still be in the same time frame, but pick a different day. No need to follow the national calendar. You will probably have more fun anyway as local establishments won't be as busy. What about taking your two little girls with you to get a pedicure. Not sure how old they are, but most of the nail places now have little seats for little girls with DVD players and everything. If that is too pricey, maybe you could escape for a long walk, time at the bookstore, a little window shopping, and treat yourself to lunch. Happy Mother's day!
What a nasty woman. If I were in that situation I wouldn't care if I ever had contact with her again. In our family, we celebrate mother's day with my MIL on Saturday, and she's perfectly fine with that. Since the witch, your MIL, won't stand for that, just tell her that's how it's going to be, and your hubby has to tell her that you need a break and you are going to be pampered on Mother's Day, and that's that. If she has a fit, which she will, sever the ties. She's a miserable woman and she's making your life miserable. Is it really worth having her around??
I'm guessing there is more to your situation than you've told us. If all the world is out of step but John, John needs to get is step. I can see two sides to this.
Call your Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, etc. and find out what they think is the problem. Be prepared to be told that you are doing somethng wrong. Then act positively on their suggestions. If they say they don't like her either, then why are they giving you a hard time?
If the twin lives in Europe, and its been a long time since she's visited her, you can always deflect the "wonderful time" you anticipate having with your MIL by giving her a Mother's Day gift of a ticket to see her daughter in Europe. Go to the Post office and get a passport application and send it to her with her Mother's Day card. It's too late to do it for this year because it takes too long for the passport application to be processed and the passport sent to her. Buy the Mother's Day card now because they won't be on sale after Mother's Day. If paying for the flight is too difficult, ask your "concerned" cousins, grandparents, Aunts, etc. for contributions.
This Mother's Day is too close if she doesn't have a passport to send her to Europe, but you can always honor your grandparents-in-law by taking your MIL to go visit them on Mother's Day and "share the wealth". Shouldn't she be honoring her mother too? That way you can stay in the background and they can have fun together. You and your husband might even be able to get away for a couple of hours and then come back and pick up the MIL and take her home.
BTW, I happened to marry the only girl I dated whose parents didn't absolutlely love me. I worked diligently to get into my MIL's and FIL's good graces. It took 15 years before she had a kind word for me. We've been married for almost 37 years and now my MIL loves me. (Now, I'm her favorite son in law.) My FIL was still cussing me on his death bed, but I was there still supporting my wife and MIL. Each of his sons came up to me afterward, separately, and apologized for his comments and behavior. You get more flies with honey than vinegar. Keep trying. Even water can wear away rock, as witnessed by the Grand Canyon.
Good luck.
Hi Tracie,
As I'm understanding your situation - MIL wants time with son on Mother's Day, and you want time alone. That would appear to be easily solvable, except that the problem isn't about logistics - it's about your husband not wanting to spend the day with his mother and probably having a lot of unresolved stuff with her that he has yet to handle. It is likely that each of them has their own story about what they have lived, on each side of the coin.
Every year that passes with things being done for the purpose of avoiding drama and upset, while giving giving in to what (your husband) doesn't want to do, just adds to the resentment in the situation.
I'm not trying to say that anyone's feelings are valid or not valid. I'm suggesting that they do need to be dealt with in a proper setting, like therapy, otherwise, you are likely to have grief and discomfort for years to come.
Perhaps a little compassion for what MIL has been through in her life, and some acknowledgment to her that yes, it was quite a job to raise two children alone, particularly starting from infancy while having unexpectedly just lost her partner. Perhaps some acknowledgment of that, at other times of the year, not just mother's day might help to calm that young mother inside your MIL who is crying out to be appreciated for her hard work.
That doesn't mean that you don't get to set boundaries with her. I don't know what she's like, you also have a right to set boundaries for how you are willing to be treated as well. Perhaps if those boundaries are established, then it might be easier to be around her.
Really, I think that therapy would be a great way to get to the bottom of the unresolved issues with this. Therapy for anyone who is willing to do the work and interested in healing their stuff. For you and your husband, it might also help you to give a voice to your feelings, and to find ways of expressing your needs with MIL.
I'm not saying that MIL shouldn't get counseling as well. I'm just addressing you and your husband because you are the one asking, and I believe that we are each responsible for our own role in situations, and can only change things from our end.
The logistical remedy to this situation at this moment would seem to be to simply have different days for celebrating, or send the hubby off to see his mom while you relax alone The longer term solution might be to see a counselor/therapist to resolve the issues underneath it. I am a huge proponent of therapy, by the way.
All the best to all you. I do really understand how challenging mother and mother in law issues can, especially on Mother's Day.
I hope that everyone gets what they need. Happy Mother's Day to you!
Hello there, I have a difficult MIL as well, having raised my husband and his brother alone, they were her whole life. Fortunately we have reached an understanding and things are much easier now (twelve years later).
As for you issue with monther's day, we are dealing with the same dilemma as we would like to spend the day as family unit, but just us, so we are going to make dinner (budget helper) at our house the night before, Saturday, so that we can then spend the next day on our own. This also allows it to only go for a couple of hours max, as our daughter goes to bed by 8pm every night and we have about an hour of pre-bed stuff to do. So we have made her happy with focusing the meal on "Grandma's day", make it all about her and then Sunday can be all about "mommy".
I hope this might help, but good luck and hang in there, you really are not alone in this family craziness!
This is more his problem than your problem.
This sounds evil....where does your MIL hate? the beach, the park? mc donalds? you can stay home, and then he can invite her to spend the day w/ him and her grandchildren. How kind of him. "But, wait! You dont like trompsing through the forest? Well, the girls were so looking forward to spending the day outside in the dirt w/ you. we'll come by on the way back-see you!" and the kids can pick some wild flowers, or make a stick sculpture for gma while they are having fun w/ dad. I know that wouldn't satisfy her....why doesn't she spend the day w/ HER mom? since she is still alive. You could also build that one up. there is no good solution...
Can you decide that YOUR mother's day celebration is the week before or after? You can have THAT day off instead. ::grin::
As for your MIL, your husband can take her to dinner on the actual day while you spend your time with your children (and YOUR mother?) He can say he chose her for special attention and then needs to get back to you and your kids. You get the best of both worlds that way.
So much good luck to you.
I suggest you so something with your MIL on mother's day, like having her over for brunch or something that wont cost too much. do something nice and simple. Then the following saturday or sunday or this saturday, you husband does something nice for you, like take the kids to the beach so you have most of the day to yourself. celebrate on different days and let go of the "actual day" on mother's day. since it'll probably annoy the MIL more if you did something on the other day, you make that other day your day. good luck!
Hi Tracie,
Have Mother's Day on a different day. Make it a week earlier or later and don't tell your MIL. That way your hubbie can give you a day to yourself. For the MIL I would tell her that the kids are making her something (and it will take most of the day :) ) and you'll see her for her special dinner. That's how we did it in my family, the kids would make crafts for Grandma and then we would see her later in the afternoon. Your MIL sounds like there may be a few problems there that a therapist would love to tackle.
Hang in there!
Hi,
I have a difficult MIL too and the thing that I have to remember is that she is my husband's mother and that he loves her and wants to make her happy too. We don't live very close to her so we can't always spend time with her, but what I used to do when we did is, we would take her out for lunch or dinner on Sunday (and my husband and I would go out another night) and I would also make a gift so that she could enjoy like a photo album with our children in it with activities that we did throughout the year and that included her and other family members so that she would feel a part of the family even though we probably didn't spend as much time with her as she would like us too....maybe if you include pictures of you, your husband and your children in activities that you did for the last few months and she can enjoy going back and looking at it and feel like she is a part of your family.
Hi Tracie!
Sounds like you're in a really tough spot. I suggest you get to choose a day for yourself other than Mother's Day. I know it is awful having to give up your time this day but it might be for the best in the long run. Considering all the drama you've already had to endure with this issue, showing his mother you are willing to give her the time instead may keep things smoother for longer. Also, it has the added benefit that you and your husband will be together for support so that the burden does not fall solely on either of you.
You sounds as if you have a wonderful family life. Mother's Day is about showing you love and appreciation, which they would be willing to provide on another day. Plus, you are modeling compromise, understanding, support and love--even for a very difficult person--for your children. Not to mention how to be a supportive person in a good, healthy relationship.
Sorry, this is so unfair. Maybe part of your day is you get to vent about your MIL too. Good luck!
Ana
Hi Tracie:
Let me begin by saying that I am 58 and realizing what the appropriate attitudes, actions, and reactions are to many of life's issues after trying to jump through hoops, keep people happy, etc. over the years. At this point I have no more tolerance for bad, rude, selfish behavior in adults.
You and your husband would like to recognize Mother's Day for the mothers within your family and you are looking for the treat of a peaceful day in recognition of your Mother's Day. This is reasonable and thoughtful. First, your MIL seems to use Mother's Day as a day of punishment and your husband is the only sibling close by to receive the full brunt of her attack. Your husband can recognize his mother with a nice card and note saying that he has always appreciated her commitment to mothering him and his sister. I'd go to Costco, buy a nice bouquet of roses, clean them up, trim the ends, put them in a vase from Ross and have your husband drop them off the Friday evening before Mother's Day. He can't get stuck for too very long and he has done the proper thing. For you, it would be foolish for you to stay at home while the family heads out for your Mother's Day. I guarantee if you are home you will start picking up, cleaning and soon your break will be used doing the same old things. You and the family would be so much better off to find a concert in the park, an art festival, or shop together and put together a really nice picnic and go off to a large regional park for Mother's Day. Getting out and away will allow a good quality day with the whole family engaged in a new way. By the end of the day, everyone will come home tired out, ready for bubble baths and how about baking a couple of frozen pizza's for dinner and an early bedtime. Everyone will feel as though they are refreshed and you'll pat yourself on the back for getting away, especially from the MIL. Do not answer your home phone, cell phones for the entire weekend. No one or anything is so important that you need to be interrupted by a ringing phone.
Now you and your husband need a wake up call and so do all the rest of the family members. Your MIL and other relatives cannot beat you guys over the head with guilt if they can't reach you. Since you already know the agenda and the course of the conversation that is going to come at you, you must protect yourselves from these attacks. Screen your calls, do not answer the door, make yourself unavailable to family members. The problem is allowed to continue because your MIL assails all the family with the same story causing resentment in everyone. Each of these people make a choice to allow your MIL to blab on and your husband has allowed it also. You and your husband can make the decision to stop listening. It means that you will both need to get tough, give her NO time to talk or spend time around you unless she accepts the rules, no constant negative talk about the past. Yes she will be mad as a wet cat but if you don't put a stop to her running on, then you must accept that her behavior will continue until the day she dies. Your quality of life is worth protecting and giving time to your MIL is bad for you and her. Decide to put a stop to it. Her behavior is ridiculous and frankly it doesn't sound as though she had to work so hard taking care of the two kids by herself, it sounds as if she is saying she resents that she had the children in her life to take care of, that is not your husbands fault that he was born. You and your husband should agree on the rules you want to play by when in the company of your MIL. Tell her what you will and won't listen too and be prepared to limit visits so she can't get started on her rant. If she improves, spend more time, if she doesn't cut back. We feed bad behavior when we allow people to dump on us. You guys have no power over other relatives, apply the same rules to them also. Even adults must learn to play nice.
How about taking the day off for yourself and planning a "somehwat" special Mother's Day dinner of lunch for her on a different day? Tell her that it would be nice to spend mother's day with her own mother. Tell her that this will work out for the best and make it far more special because you will have the time for just her...just not on Mother's day. sometimes, we have to get to a point where we are our family. The nucleus is you and your husband. you have your kids and your lives. If they choose to alienate you only she suffers truly. your husband will feel bad that his family does not understand his side but is it that important that she be wrong and he right. i think everyone will see the truth if you are alienated and they all have to miss you because they choose to side with her.. I am certain she will then find another family member to bear the burden and when that happens, your "team" will strengthen in numbers..haha.
Sorry for the family drama but at some point you have to stand up and be important too!
I think he is an adult and he should do what HE wants to do. She can't make him miserable without his permission. We teach people how to treat us, and this woman has learned that behaving like a bully will get her what she wants. By doing nothing, and giving in, your husband has taught her to treat him this way. The good news is, it doesn't have to be this way anymore - he can change now. :)
A good compromise may be if he is taking you to brunch, he can take her to dinner, or vice versa. I would say have him take her to dinner so he can spend the whole day with you and your children, and a minimal amount of time with her.
Good luck and Happy Mother's Day!
Spend the day with her bit your lips and do it pretent next week is mothersday and do what you want its only a day that somebody thought up relax unfourtaully shenwillnot live foever relax what would do if she had to live with you? Goodnluck happy mothersday ada no hills
Updated
SPEND THE DAY WITH HER BIT YOUR LIPS AND DO IT PRETENT NEXT WEEK IS MOTHERSDAY AND DO WHAT YOU WANT ITS ONLY A DAY THAT SOMEBODY THOUGHT UP RELAX UNFOURTAULLY SHENWILLNOT LIVE FOEVER RELAX WHAT WOULD DO IF SHE HAD TO LIVE WITH YOU? GOODNLUCK HAPPY MOTHERSDAY ADA NO HILLS
Since you do so much in terms of being a mom, you deserve to experience a day of relaxation and pampering on Mothers Day. From the sound of it, your MIL can be quite upsetting to the family. Perhaps your husband should send his mom a nice bouquet or flower arrangement, or maybe a certificate for a spa day/manicure, etc. You said your finances are tight right now, so maybe for your Mothers Day gift your husband/kids could just treat you like a queen for the day and all of you go on a terrific picnic to a relaxing spot (park, lake, etc) where you can all enjoy each others company. This way, none of you have to spend the day with your MIL, but she still feels "remembered" and you get to relax the whole day! If your MIL tries to lay a guilt trip on your husband, just have him explain that while he loves her very much and is so grateful for the sacrifices she made, he now is married and needs to show you (his wife) how much you mean to him also (BTW he would also be setting a great example for his kids to see how moms should be respected). Sometimes with parents who play the guilt card you need to just make it clear that things are going to be a certain way and placing guilt will not be tolerated (tough love) In addition he could add that it is not very kind to try and make your child (even when they're grown), feel guilty. Good luck and hope you have a wonderful Mothers Day!
Let you MIL have the calendar Mother's Day and you take the next weekend for you and your family to celebrate your own Mother's Day. But do something simple for her that you and your husband are comfortable with, not something you have to do grudgingly. If nothing else she did give birth to and raised someone who sounds like a great guy.