Hello awesome mamas! My husband and I find ourselves in the same dilemma every Mother's Day and I was hoping some of you had some ideas on how to handle the situation better.
I am a SAHM of two little girls. I work my rear end off every day doing absolutely everything because my hubby (bless him!) works 90-100 hours per week. When Mother's Day comes around, the only gift I want is a day off! Hubby is happy to oblige, but here's where the wrench gets thrown into the plans - his mother.
My MIL is a nightmare. She is greedy, demanding, manipulative and lives to stir up trouble with the extended family. Every year my husband feels stuck between pleasing me and pleasing his mother. (who will make his life positively miserable for months if the day doesn't go how SHE wants)
Neither of us likes to be around her, so the thought of spending Mother's Day with her in any fashion is not a pleasant one. However, as her only child who lives even remotely nearby (hubby's twin sister lives in Europe) my husband knows that if he doesn't do something, she'll get nothing. She's huge on the guilt factor, constantly reminding everyone that she had to raise twin babies by herself in the 60s when it was unheard of to do so. (her hubby left her when the babies were 6 months old) Past experience tells us that if we don't do something for her, she will drag her entire extended family into the drama (aunt, grandparents, cousins, etc.) and for some inexplicable reason, they always side with her. My hubby's grandparents even stopped talking to him over this very problem. It took a couple of years for them to ease up and now they talk occasionally, but they are now both in very poor health. We don't think they can (should!) have to deal with this insane drama again.
We SOOO want to avoid a problem this year. We are calm, peaceful people and it is never our intention to upset anyone. However, we have so much going on, we just don't have the energy for her manufactured drama. How should we handle Mother's Day this year? I should also mention that we have very little money, so we can't afford to send me to the spa for the day while hubby takes his mom out to dinner. Hubby was thinking of taking the kids to the beach for the day to give me a quiet house, but then what do we do with his mom? He categorically does not want to have to spend an entire day with her, beach or not.
Thanks for reading my long post - I look forward to hearing all your great ideas! Many thanks!!
Remind her that she had Mother's Day for X number of years and it is your turn. Send her a nice card, flowers and then go off and do something the 4 of you and turn off the phones. Do NOT let her ruin YOUR DAY. Then for Grandparents day - take her out to lunch - him and the granddaughters. That way you get your day and she will get "her" day.
If family says anything, tell them you have decided that she is now Grandma and deserves to have "her own special day" (BTW it's Sept 12th this year - National Grandparents Day)
EDIT:
This year Mother's Day is my middle daughter's 8th Bday and I am not even making it about ME it is HER Day - she will only turn 8 ONCE. Your MIL needs to stop being a BULLY and SPOILED BRAT and your husband needs to just stand up to her if the previous idea doesn't work
Have your husband and the kids go to his moms house and cook her a fantastic lunch or dinner, and you stay home and relax. Make sure they cook some extras for you to have for dinner! It's pretty inexpensive, it gets the kids involved, and it satisfies your request and your MIL. Good Luck, I hope it works out!
Does anything at all have to be done with her? Not to sound like a jerk, but send her some flowers and be done with it. Life is too short to give in to people who suck the life out of you. Growing up, it was my mom's day. Sometimes my parents had their moms over for a dinner, some years they didn't. It's not written in stone. Now that I'm a mom, my MIL and mom understand and they let my husband and daughter plan my day. We all live close to one another and see each other very often, so if we don't all get together for mother's day, it's ok.
I went through something similar. The bottom line is, your husband needs to stand up to his mother. If it were your mother causing the problem, it would be your responsibility to handle the situation. You and your husband need to come to an agreement about what will be said/done, and then he should do it. Your hubby needs to realize that when he marries, wife and kids become his number one.
Of course, my suggestion is telling her sorry, this year we have plans to do something else. This doesn't make you bad kids, nor does it mean you cannot send her something or do something for her to make her feel loved. But, given what you have posted, it doesn't sound as if she even deserves that, but I know it is hard when it comes to dealing with family. Each person has a reason for the way they act, but that doesn't mean you need to suffer endlessly because of her insecurities, or whatever her issue.
Ideas for what to do for her:
Send something made by the kids
Plant a tree in her name
Make her lunch or dinner, and eat with her, just on a different day (if you choose to eat with her, I probably wouldn't!)
Send flowers/fruit/wine and cheese basket, etc.
Get her a gift certificate to her fav place
Make her "grandma coupons" that allow her to use them with notice, ie - lunch with just her son, lunch with your entire fam, son mows grass, son takes mom someplace, three kisses from each grandchild, you get the idea
Best of luck to you, and I promise that once you and hubby take control of the situation in a healthy, respectful manner, you will be so much happier and calmer than you already are! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe she acts the way she does because her son lets her?
Your husband could always spend the Saturday before Mother's Day with her. That is what my husband does. Some years, I have had Mother's Day on the Saturday before as well when there was an event at his mom's. The MIL can only make your life miserable if you allow her too. You two are adults now. The realization of who our parents really are is one of the most eye opening realizations we have as an adult - and most times one of the most disappointing. At some point in our lives, we have to move on and be own person - no longer the child, now the adult. If others take her side, then so be it - you cannot change anyone and unfortunately, some relatives disappoint us rather than not. I have many toxic family members that I have chosen not to expose my children too. I have been chastised for this, but it is what is best for my children. And to be honest, at first it was very hard and I felt a lot of guilt. Finally, after giving myself permission to take charge of my life, the stress is gone. We still occasionally see them, but on my terms. I am an only child, so it was very hard to make that decision, but it was one that had to be made. I wish you luck and strength to do what is best for you, your husband and your family.
Have him take MOM and kids to the beach ;) If he cant stand his mother then spend some time with her on Saturday without you or the kids. Take her to lunch and stand up to her when she fusses about anything. Your husband needs to grow some balls, trust me I know I have confronted my parents quite a bit. Now we are at a good place in our relationship. This is also why I live far away from family, too much effin drama! I personalyl tell everyone in the family if they want to bring up drama to just stay away. Family is everything but not when its toxic.
Maybe he and the kids could surprise Grandma (at her house while you stay home and relax) with a brunch. They could bring food and flowers, set up, visit, clean up, and then let mom know that they have to go so they can give you a special day as well. It will hopefully keep her happy while only subjecting him to 3 or 4 hours of mom time, and you could use that time to do your own mini spa right at home.
I agree that you pick the day you want "off" If it actual Mothers Day, then that is the day your husband and the kids can treat Grandma with their presence all day long. They can play, run around and cook for grandma (feed them a bag of candy with a soda each before they leave, hee, hee.. just kidding.. )
How about taking her out for a late breakfast or brunch? Spend a couple of hours with her and then take her home and the rest of the day is yours. She can't expect to be catered to anymore by her son now that he has his own family and the mother of his children to think about. But as a mother, I do feel she still deserves to be honored in some way.
Updated
How about taking her out for a late breakfast or brunch? Spend a couple of hours with her and then take her home and the rest of the day is yours. She can't expect to be catered to anymore by her son now that he has his own family and the mother of his children to think about. But as a mother, I do feel she still deserves to be honored in some way.
How about your hubby takes the kids to lunch with his mom, therefore giving you time along and satisfying MIL? Or take her out the day before, explaining that Mother's day will simply be so crowded that it will be more pleasureable to go out early. You could always choose a different day to be your day off.
Personally, I think Mother's Day is a load of crap! My MIL threw a fit two years ago because we didn't get her anything - we honestly expected to be in the hospital in labor. We left her house, went to Target and bought her something, walked back into her house and handed it to her in the Target bag and she wass thrilled. WTF?
To us, its Hallmark holiday and we don't celebrate it. We do get something little for MIL because she's a big baby if we don't
I had a bad MIL and I've now got a great one, who lives far away. I think the following:
1. Your husband needs to let Mom know he loves her, but that he has a family now too.
2. I agree with the Grandmothers day thing, make that a special day for her somehow.
3. You deserve to do what you want to do! Period.
4. You're MIL can take whatever time her son gives her and like it.......
I don't know if it's possible, but maybe your husband could get the other relatives that seem to think that she is such a great person, to all meet him at his mothers as a surprise on a day other than Mothers Day......that Sat. or a day after Mothers Day sometime. Throw a get together, everyone cook something and bring food day. Maybe even at a park if the older adults would be able to handle that. Then the kids could play too. You guys go, get it going, have lots of people there to talk to instead of just her, and make her "queen" for the day so to speak. That gives her the importance she wants, makes it so you don't have to be tied to her completely, and you might even enjoy spending time with the other relatives that your kids don't see much.........heck even invite some friends of hers, if she has any.
On Mothers Day, a nice call to her to wish her a great day, and then be done with her.
I agree, that YOU and YOUR hubby are letting her get to you. And I know some Moms are better at it than others, but she should be pleased she has a son who even bothers at all, some Moms don't have any kids alive or that talk to them.
Good Luck, enjoy your day and Happy Mothers Day to you in a couple of weeks.
I don't see why you can't have your day to yourself on Mother's Day. Even if your husband doesn't want to spend the entire day with his mother, he can take her out (along with your kids) to breakfast or lunch. When that's done, he can take her home and just spend the rest of the day with his kids. You can still have the day to yourself. If she expects to have the whole day with him, your husband needs to suck it up for one day or sit down and have a serious talk with her, no matter the consequences. The more you play into her games, the longer this will continue. Your husband needs to put you first and, though not leave out his mother on Mother's Day, he needs to grow up a little and put his foot down with his mother letting her know how you want to spend your Mother's Day and arranging something with her around that. If for some reason the problem is that she wants all of you there, which I doubt, you need to tell her that you can celebrate with her the day before, but the actual Mother's Day is for you.
This is an easy one, the way I see it. You want and deserve a full day off...so why does it have to be on May 9th? Be the good little daughter-in-law and keep the peace by celebrating May 9th with her. She may be a crotchety old woman you don't enjoy spending time with, but she is your husband's mother. You will some day hope that your own children (and their spouses) don't forget about you on Mother's Day, right? So give the selfish, crabby woman her day...and then you get your full day off on a different date. Solved. (Not to be harsh, but if you INSIST that your day off HAS to be on Monday 9th just because "Mother's Day" is printed on your calendar, then you are being just as big a baby as her)
For my family, we have one meal (either brunch or dinner) with my mother-in-law and then the rest of the day is mine. My mom understands and respects the idea of not wanting me to spread myself too thin, so every year she and I get together for lunch some time during the week after Mothers Day (or dinner if our schedules are too busy)
By the way, what kind of job does your husband have that he has to work 90-100 hours a week????
I would think that hubby could take the kids and stop by MIL's house for an hour or two, possibly have breakfast or lunch. There's no reason that you would need to go. To show you care, send her a nice card.
Who cares if this isn't what she wants. The important thing is that your husband has acknowledged his mother. As fas as extended family goes, tell them you did stop by and if they're so concerned they can spend mother's day with her.
Is it possible that you and your hubby can celebrate your Mother's Day on a different weekend? You can appease the MIL on the actual calendar day, but perhaps the weekend before/after can be your special day. It's just an arbitrary date anyway. That way, everyone wins.
Hope it goes well!
Wow! It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. I normally would suggest to do what you want to do and she'll have to just deal with it but it sounds like that would cause a huge problem in your family that you dont seem ready to deal with right now. Can you guys just go to her house and make a nice breakfast/brunch for her...then leave so you can have your relaxing day? Or, maybe you have your mother's day on Saturday so your day doesnt get interupted by her?
The whole time I was reading your post, I kept thinking that if it were me, I'd just plan my Mother's Day for a different day, maybe even a different week altogether! I'd do whatever MIL expects. Make actual Mother's Day her day. As painful as it may be, it's one day. Suck it up and put in your time. By the way you describe your situation, you really don't have a choice without disrupting the entire family, and causing yourself a ton of grief.
If I were you, I think I'd permanently change "your" Mother's Day to a different day and celebrate your day accordingly! And you can kind of even keep it as a secret joke, if you will, with your MIL, that you do still get your very own special Mother's Day celebration to yourself! Seriously, I'd really think about keeping it under wraps, because you wouldn't want her getting any ideas about inadvertantly needing something on that day, etc. You get the picture!
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!
Ok, so I just glanced over some of the other posts, which I hadn't done before I responded, and it seems like changing your day is the popular solution!
Hi Tracie, I read through the posts and well, here is what I know:
My husband's mother died when he was 16, I have never met her, my children have never met her and I know he would LOVE to have your problem.
Google the origin of "Mother's Day", you may just be surprised how it come about. It is not really what you think.
It sounds like this is your only day off a year...please tell me that I am wrong!
EVERY day is Mother's Day, and Father's Day, and Kid's Day and yes, even MIL Day. Could it be that your MIL feels this way because she is not getting enough attention? If you live that close, maybe this year for Mother's Day you could give her the gift of all of you. My Grandmother, who lives 1.5 hours away gets a card every year for Moms day...it says, this card gets you a minimum 3 hour visit every month for a visit and help around the house. Let's book dates! And every month we go to her place with games, cleaning supplies and tools and we spend the day doing what she needs. The kids play with her and my hubby and I clean up her home. She is ecstatic.
Tracie, you do not have a problem, you have an opportunity. Please step back, take a look and trust me you will find the win-win-win situation.