I've been dating someone for over 1 1/2 years. He has a daughter that lives with her mother in Louisiana. I haven't met his daughter nor anyone from his family. He travels home to Louisiana at least once a month. He doesn't call or answer his phone in the presence of his family. Just today we were having a conversation while he was waiting for his daughter to come out of school. When she was about to get in the car, he abruptly ended our coversation, in mid sentence, and said his daughter was about to get in the car. I have a son that he's been in his presence 2 times. My son is 11 and his daughter is 13. He claims that his daughter is very protective of him. Is this normal for his daughter and his twin and father don't know that I even EXIST? I'm 38 and he's 39 years old.
I think I should end this relationship; but sometimes I think he's kinda "slow" (mentally) and that's why he's not handling a mature relationship. I've asked him to spend more time with me, my son, and for me to meet his family. His response is "I want to do more, I'm going to do better", but nothing changes. As far as his ex, now that I think about it, she still has control over him. He's fixed her car, paid her light bill, etc. but I excused that because his daughter is effected by those things. But once, he bought his daughter some clothes and was waiting til the next day to take his ex's other daughter shopping and his ex didn't know about it and she fussed at him for not buying her clothes too. The next day when he bought her clothes, he was SITTING in the house and the ex told the daughter to say thank you and apparently he was watching tv and the ex started fussing at him cause he was paying attention. He told me this story, so I figured he wasn't trying to hide anything. I've looked him up on the internet and "monitor" his facebook account. All he seems to do is play Mafia wars, yoville, and FarmVille; and he plays Madden on his days off. Oh yeah! our conversations get cut short or he doesn't answer when he's playing Madden. I know it's over, it's been over for a long time. I've just been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. BUT, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO END IT! I don't want to hurt his "feelings". Sad to say, I think I have some mental issues with this relationship!
Are you certain he's being up front about the "family" he's keeping from you? Seems like there are some major red flags... I would find his behavior alarming, especially given the longevity of your relationship. That said, men think differently than we do, so you might want to ask him directly before jumping to conclusions...
We can only speculate as to why he is acting like this, but it IS odd behavoir. It makes me think two things:
He's married
There is some reason he isn't supposed to be with you and his family will tell you if you meet them.
or a possible, and less scandalous third option: He's embarrassed of his family. But that couldn't possibly apply to his daughter, right?
Do you have religious/ cultural/ racial differences? Maybe his family is intolerant?
We can speculate all we want, but he's the only one who can tell you. IF you feel like it is destroying your trust, tell him that you want to meet his family or it is over. Then you'll either find out that you're not too important to him when it comes down to it, or you'll find out what this is all about.
I'd get to the bottom of this, personally. I hope it is nothing serious.
Some people are very protective of their children which I think is a good thing. Also, some divorces specifically state that the children may not be introduced to boyfriends/girlfriends for a specific amount of time. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions here. That seems very unfair. Just talk to him about it in depth. If he won't talk about it or give you much of an explaination then it may be time to get suspicious.
My ex husband and I have a very good relationship. After our divorce, he had a relationship with a women which lasted over 6 years.
I could go on and on but when his relationship ended with this woman, we decided it would be best to take our daughter to therapy b/c it was like another divorce for her to endure (my daughter was VERY attached to the woman's son and the split was a heartbreaker).
After this fiasco, my ex promised he would only bring our daughter into his relationships when a marriage was impending.
You have a relationship with this man and he has a relationship with you. There is NO need to involve the children at this point. Single people date and may date different people over several years, there is no reason to involve the kids in these relationships. Any possible breakups are hard enough for the two people involved. No need to put the children through it as well.
I am in NO WAY saying that this man doesn't take you seriously! You should really respect how he deals with relationships and his kids....Cautiously. This is a guy who thinks things through and cares about people!
I think you are a lucky gal. When the time comes, he will introduce you to his entire family.
Children of divorce have to go through a lot. I know this from experience. You don't want a child of divorce to have to go through being attached to different people and losing them. Your man sounds serious and genuine.
Best of luck to you and him!
It sounds ODD to me too! Follow your gut instinct because something is not right about all the secrecy. He sounds like he is definitely hiding something! Have you ever seen any pictures of his daughter or family? He says he is "protecting" his daughter but what is he going to do if you two ever get married, introduce you the day of the wedding??? It just doesn't make sense!
He's hiding something. It may real bad or it may not but he's definitely hiding something. It could only be that he's simply embarrassed by his family and his children would let them know there's someone in his life. It could be as big as he's a criminal or married. The one thing women have is a gut instinct. You have to trust your instinct. I remember dating my husband and he talked about his family but not a lot. I didn't "listen and hear" the negative things he would say about them. I would blow him off and say, I don't think it was that bad. Now I know better. I've had a difficult time with his family. Thankfully, my spouse puts me first and set his family straight. They don't like me but they show me respect because he demands it. So that could be something your boyfriend is hiding or it could be that he has a secret. You're gonna have to talk to him and whatever he tells you. Truly LISTEN and HEAR to what he's saying to you. TRUST your gut. Your gut doesn't lie. Trust it and go with your gut.
From an outsiders point of view, it seems like your boyfriend may be leading a double life. I understand his daughter may be a little jealous of her dad, but after a year and a half he hasn't addressed the issue. Besides, if he will allow his daughter this much control now, I can't imagine how difficult it will be when she's a little older. The fact that his dad and twin know nothing about you is the real kicker for me. You only hide something or someone you are ashamed of. My advice to you would be to listen to your intuition about this. God gave women a strong intuition as a gift.....use it. Good luck!
I don't know, it just sounds fishy. The fact he doesn't have any communication with you when he is there is weird. You guys have been going out for awhile, I would say this is a red flag and I might push a little harder to get to the bottom of this. I mean, he could have a lady on the side down there with as much as he travels and that is something you need to find out. I would press him, he's not your husband at this time so if he gets angry or super defensive and still keeps you away from all contact with the family and there is no contact when he is there I would dump him. Secrecy is no friend in a committed relationship. Good luck!
IS HE MARRIED? It sure sounds like he "works out of town" and goes home to LA once a month. I would find this out and QUICK! There are some very deceitful men in the world.
I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he sees an issue that he can't share with you. I would talk more to him about it, though. Let him know you think it is not normal.
I could understand possibly that his daughter would be kept in the dark. Maybe she has trust issues or it's in the divorce decree. But the rest of his family? Not so much.
When my ex and I lived in different towns, he had live-in girlfriends who knew nothing about me, just as I knew nothing about them. When one of them found out about me and my daughter from a picture, he told her we were divorced. Fortunately, this woman was smart enough to smell a rat and somehow found my information and got in contact with me. It was definitely a shock, but I am eternally grateful.
After a year and a half, you probably have some idea where your relationship with him is going. If it is getting more serious, then I would insist on him telling at least the adult members of his family, and if not, I would insist on a REALLY good reason why not. If the relationship is already on shaky ground, be assured that secrecy will not improve matters at all. In any case I would demand to know why he hasn't told anyone. The reason could be simple, or it could be something with broad and sweeping consequences for not only him, but also for you and your son.
Girl, this is not normal!!!I would be questioning whether he is still married or if he even has a daughter. He obviously has something to hide. Maybe I watch to many Lifetime movies, but I would start demanding some answers from him or get out of the relationship.
When men choose to keep the woman that he is involved with away from his immediate family, it means that he has no plans of making the relationship any deeper than it is, basically you are not the one he is going to marry or at least no time soon. Men that intend to move a relationship to the next level and or are serious about the relationship, will in fact make sure that everyone that is important to him, knows and eventually meets the woman in his life.
As for the daughter, some people don't want to introduce children until there is an engagement, or until permanence is known to be sure thing.
BUT--for his father and twin not to know about you? Hmmm.... I do know someone who didn't tell his family for 2 years and he was just extremely shy, but I think that is the exception, not the norm. It's time to have a heart-to-heart with him. Don't push about the daughter though. That's totally up to him while you are dating. Don't be on the attack when you bring it up, because that could end the relationship. Tell him how this makes you feel and see if you can politely, calmly get to the bottom of it. If he can't open up about his life to you AND to his family (father and twin at least) after 1 1/2 years, and can't give you a good reason (that seems to be true), it may be time to rethink things. Does his family expect him to get back together with his ex?
I have a friend that went off to college. With in the first few weeks she met a girl with the exact same name, first, middle, and last. They began to talk and found that their dads had the same name also.....then when the other girl whipped out a family picture there was her dad standing with this family. Her father had been living two lives for over 20 years ....
He claimed that work took him away from home one month at a time and he would spend a month with each family ...need I say more. Look into it girl don't just take him at his word.
L R, just from experience and being able to peek the perks in relationships before they get started, your situation is not normal. You been dating a person for 1.5 years and you have yet to meet his family and his so called protective daughter. This here should tell you this man have something to hide.
I am a single mother and when I do date, I don't bring men around my kids nor inside my house. My relationship has to be very serious and going somewhere before I even allow it. In your case, you been with this man for 1.5 years and I really think this is abnormal behavior not to have any knowledge of this man family other than himself.
Also, the situation about getting off the phone when the child comes. Hummm, could it be someone else in the picture or could he & this child mother still be together and live in the same town you live in? Your relationship is odd and for you to ask the question, you also know that this is odd behavior from this man.
If this man is someone that you care deeply for, then it's time to search the internet or court records for more information. You don't share what you are doing with him, you make the first step for your security, to understand what it is that he is hiding. he is definitely hiding something and it's you.
He is the adult in the realationship, not his daughter, not his family. You should be his top priority.
Search the net for this man life, find out who he is, what he does, do he have a mortgage and whatever else you can find. He just may have a secret and don't want to tell you.