Is there a chance of any of the following, Scarlett? I am offering these not as excuses for his actions toward you – there are no excuses – but as potential areas for you to think about and possibly approach him about. (And if you are physically afraid to approach him with any of these – then you have bigger problems between you than you fully realize.)
Could he be depressed? That can manifest sometimes in abusive action toward the person to whom one is closest. Despite all his wonderful qualities, could he be depressed?
Could he be stressed? What is the work situation? Is it possible he is under stresses at work he isn’t even telling you about? Do you generally over the years tend to talk together about his bosses, workmates, work projects, etc., and if you do tend to be pretty informed about his working life – has he seemed to clam up, or just offer less information, lately about work? He may be aware of upcoming job cuts in his workplace, or have knowledge that his employer is in trouble in this economy, etc., and he feels he can’t tell you or it will worry you – but his own worry comes out in these ways you list.
Could he be burning out on being the good guy, great dad and provider? The other name for that is the old-fashioned “mid-life crisis.” Not an excuse, again, but a potential explanation for behaving so stupidly and abusively. Does he feel trapped by being the provider and the great dad and husband? I’ve seen terrific guys (two friends’ husbands) go off the rails pretty suddenly and unexpectedly and the reason, after much vague excuse-making, ended up being “I don’t know who I am, I didn’t expect to feel this tied down to a house and kids, I didn’t expect to be working in this job, I didn’t do that thing I wanted to do when I was 20 (finish college, travel the world, put off kids until I was 40, whatever).” These were truly nice guys who were good providers, had a lot in common with their wives, loved their kids, etc. but who beneath it all had some deep dissatisfaction with their perfect lives. If you talk to your husband and find that’s what’s going on, he may need some therapy to work through it positively and figure out how to feel more fulfilled (go back to school part-time, get a hobby he truly loves, find time for doing guy stuff he can’t do now, whatever it may be).
Could he become a physical abuser? One where the verbal abuse of you now could escalate? You don’t mention whether, after his screaming fits and screeching off in the car, he ever comes home to apologize to you, or is in tears at what he’s done, or says, “I don’t want to be this way.” If there is no sense of remorse from him, or no sense that he believes his actions were wrong, that is a big red flag. Does he have any abuse in his past–did his own dad yell at his own mom like this? If so, that modeled for your husband that such “communication” is acceptable.
You also don’t say how you react yourself when he “goes off” like a bomb on you. Cry? Yell back? Beg him to quiet down for the kids’ sake? Make a stand and say “You are not allowed to talk to me like that or call me names”? Say nothing when it’s happening and then say nothing when he gets home, so neither of you ever discusses what he did when you both are calm and rational? Are any of your reactions changing his actions? I am guessing not, since he continues to do these things. And they are totally unacceptable. They are verbal abuse and getting very close to physical abuse.
Ask yourself all those things.
Like I said earlier – if you are afraid to ask him to sit down and talk about this behavior, when you both are calm, then you do have a bigger problem than a great husband who just occasionally gets a bit angry. You have a husband you know could potentially become violent – he may never yet have hit you,but doesn’t it cross your mind when he “punches things” that you or one of the kids could end up at the receiving end of that punch next time, or the time after that?
You are not naive to think he’s great in many ways, but you would be naive to let him continue his behavior. Today, find an experienced couples and/or family therapist or counselor and get yourself there. You both need to go. He needs to attend and if the suggestion makes him blow up – you need to reconsider whether this is the person you want modeling behavior for your children for years to come. Tell him all his great points and how much you admire and love him and all the reasons why. Then tell him he is better than this behavior – and it has to change or it will trump all the good things. Tell him it’s time for him to work out whatever it is that is making him do this and you are willing to work with him and a counselor or psychiatrist to do that – but if he won’t work it out and end the behavior, well, you know what will happen next.
Please update us. Please don’t be afraid to get professional help, ASAP. He may thank you for it in years to come.