Been together 20 years and thinking about divorce

Finance & Legal Divorce & Custody
1

Okay mama’s, here goes. I met my husband in 1988. It was love at first sight. We married in 1994. Had 2 children and “settled in”. Fast forward 2003. My life changed. I had to change careers sue to an illness and found myself on the path of growth and self discovery. I started to change. He did not. I started to meet new people, he did not. I started to attend classes and grow, he did not. We are coming up on our wedding anniversary in mid-june and I am thinking about ending the relationship.

Why? Well. Because I am an idiot I guess. He loves me, in his own way. He is an amazing father. He cooks, cleans and does everything around the house (he is a stay at home dad while I run my own business). He helps my friends, neighbours and family whenever they ask. He is loved by everyone. Yes, even me. That is why this is so hard.

My question is…can I love him and still divorce him? We have been talking for nearly 3 years now about what I want in life. I want passion, romance, a solid, safe place to lay my head. I want someone to take car of me. I want to know that if I am weak, I will be taken care of. I want to know that if I fall, he will be there to catch me. None of this is our reality. When I am sad, he rarely says anything. Actually when I am happy he rarely says anything either. He is very private.

He has been telling me that he CAN be the man I want in my life…but for the last few years he is not. I feel that I could hire someone to do what he does around here (my girlfriend told me I should keep my husband and hire the man I “need” -wink wink) But I couldn’t.

So, any of you divorce a man you were still in love with?

2

Don’t do it. The grass is always greener on the other side. While divorce may be common, it is devestating. I believe that vows should be taken very seriously or not at all. You love this man-- try EVERYthing. There are bumps in every marriage, but that doesn’t mean every marriage should end in divorce. This is a choice-- the biggest one you’ll likely ever make. We are ALL imperfect beings-- and the next man you meet will be imperfect as well. Just think about it.

3

Let me ask you this, If you did divorce him and he found a women right away that loved him appreciated all the great things he has to offer would you be jealous and/or 2nd guessing your decision. I ask you this because your husband sounds like a real catch to me and someone that great will not stay “in the market” for very long. No relationship is perfect and if/when you do leave him you will see that. There’s always something, but you outway the good with the bad. After 20 years it’s okay to do things by yourself like taking classes, getting a new career and having a social life w/o your husband. Your lucky to be able to do all of those things and come home to a clean house and kids that our taken care of. I’m jealous, your very fortunate.

4

I think you got it good and you don’t know it yet.
The grass is not greener on the other side.

5

it may be curtains for this marriage, but i don’t think you’re there yet. have you tried counseling? couples retreats? role playing? you don’t want to end this until you are SURE it’s over. sounds to me as if this is a fire that has at least a chance to rekindle.
good luck!
khairete
suz

6

20 years is a lot to throw down the drain. People grow and change everyday but sounds like you haven’t grown together. You married this man because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, through thick and thin, hardships and great times. I agree with previous poster. The grass is always greener till you get there. Then you look back and see how bright it was shining where you just came from. But, who’s to say. Maybe you are just wanting your freedom and are rebelling a bit. But do what makes you happy, just remember that some things you do can’t be taken back. I’d rather you divorce a great man than eventually cheat on him behind his back. Really that’s what it would come to when you get desperate enough.

It really kind of irritates when you say " I feel that I could hire someone to do what he does around here"…I am sure he does those things because he loves you. I hope my husband doesn’t feel I am as throw away as that too..that he could just pay someone to do it.

7

It sounds like you have the foundation for a wonderful, long-lasting marriage. What are you doing to make sure that your needs are met? Are you offering up spontaneity and sensuality and being shot down or are you waiting for him to fill your cup? Don’t just tell him what you need, SHOW him. Yes, you can love him and divorce him but I would ask yourself WHY? Take a long, honest look at your life and what it would be if you were without your husband, father to your children, best friend, chef, handyman, cleaning service, ect. It sounds to me like you have what so many people long for, be grateful for it and do whatever it takes to preserve it!

8

Shame to all those fairy tales and princess stories! They sit in our subconscious telling us that we should always want more passion, more romance, etc.

I had these same concerns with my hubby. He’s passive, private, easy-going, confident. I’m not.. in fact, i’m quite the opposite. I wanted to be a corporate hot shot who could come home and be held at night. Well, I changed and can better accept who he and I are. I can see what he offers my life and what I contribute. There is no “perfect,” there is reality. So we make the best of it. This maturity benefitted me as a wife, mother, friend, individual.

Have you and your hubby ever struggled with something, such as a health issue? You may see the other side of him if you guys go through something difficult. Fortunate for you, he’s probably the exact kind of partner you will want next to you in those times… sensitive, calm. He’s stronger than you realize. Recently, I had a health scare. My hubby was protective in a way I never saw before this whole thing. It helped that I admitted that I was weak and scared. If I’m too busy being it all for everyone, he doesn’t know how to step in. But I gave him a chance by being honest and vulnerable.

I totally agree with previous posters that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You may find that the most romantic, passionate, inspired guy is a slob. Or he thinks that you should give up your business and cater to him. Or he won’t love your children. Who knows? It’s quite a gamble when it sounds like you have it pretty good already.

If something is missing, allow your man to be that for you, or find it within yourself to fill in the gap.

9

If this situation was turned around, and it was your husband who grew and changed and was thinking of divorcing you - I wonder how many Mamas out there would be calling him a selfish ingrate who is finished using you and now wants to throw you away. Have you considered that some of the credit for your success lies with your husband for being there for you? There are lots of ways of looking at this. Try marriage counseling. There are women who love their man despite the guy being on a self destructive path (booze, women, drugs, gambling, etc). They leave for the sake of the kids. Your marriage doesn’t sound like this at all. Leaving for the sake of leaving just sounds rather (sorry) lame.

10

Please do not be offended, my words may be harsh.
It saddens me to read this. This June I will have been with my husband for 21 years and I can not imagine my life without him.
Marriage is a 2 way street. You list the things that you want and are not getting. Are you sitting there waiting for them to drop in your lap or are you pursuing them? You went after you career, you went after a social life, you went after “self discovery”. . . . .but when did you go after your marriage???
I learned a long time ago that you can not change the person you are with, you can only change yourself. What have you done to change yourself so so you can do your part and obtain the things your marriage is lacking?
When is the last time you put your kids to bed and sat down with a glass of wine and talked to your husband?
Divorce is the easy way out. It is a life altering decision that effects both people and devastates the children. If you are not being abused and he is not cheating on you, why on earth would you even consider it?
Here are some suggestions. Please consider them before ruining your childrens lives:
Counseling private and couples
Get the book “101 nights of Romance” by Linda Korn
Make a mandatory date night once a week or once every two weeks
Reduce your work load so so can concentrate on what is truly important (like your marriage)
Both of you make a list of things you need from the marriage and discuss how you both can meet the needs of the other.

I am a SAHM. If your husband does the things you say he does, he is probably exhausted by the time the kids go to bed. My suggestion - get home early, help him clean up from dinner and get the kids to bed and then he probably wont be so tired and the two of you can spend some quality time together!

11

Wow. I really needed to read this and all the reponses.
This is what I have read about called “ripening”. It is when woman reaches a stage in her life and looks around her, questioning where she has been and where she is going.
Stop for a minute.
You sound like you’ve been very lucky and successful in your business and social arenas. That if you just put forth a little effort you can have whatever you want. That’s a powerful feeling. That’s great.
Relationships are a different ball game, however.
You say you want to know when you are weak you will be taken care of - but do you ever let him see when you are truly weak? Do you ever let your guard down and just open yourself up to him as a woman. Let him be the giver and you receive from him graciously, appreciatively…that makes a man feel fantastic.
It sounds like you have a man who is dedicated to you completely.
You have forgotten how special that is. He sounds like a keeper to me.
Thank you again. You’ve reminded me of how wonderful my own husband is and how much I need to appreciate him.
Good luck.
I say hang in there and open up to him.

12

I think you’ll regret it if you do. You can’t make him be who you want him to be or anyone else. You’d probably be in the same boat with someone else or just end up alone. I believe that if you can adore, admire and love your husband with no strings attached, that you’ll see a big change. Who knows, he may feel the same way about you but doesn’t want to say anything. It would be easier to change you and give your marriage a chance. I really truly believe that if you divorce him, that you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

Good luck to you!

13

The one thing I didn’t see in your post is sex. You said you need “passion and romance” - are you getting any? And I don’t care what other posters say - if sex is important to you, then it is. Maybe I’m reading too much into your post, but I think that’s probably a big part of what the problem is.

You seem to dismiss sleeping with someone other than your husband out of hand. I am NOT recommending that you cheat. I am suggesting that if sex is really the issue, be honest with your husband about that and see if he would be open to you meeting your needs elsewhere. Perhaps that would be preferable to a divorce. Check out Dan Savage’s column in “The Slog;” you aren’t alone. Sex is important, and starting a new sexual relationship can make you feel all the things that you want to feel, and may also make you appreciate your husband way more. But maybe not. Just an idea.

That’s my supportive piece. Here’s my honest truth piece. You also wrote “I want someone to take care of me.” Guess what? He’s doing that. He might not be doing it exactly the way you envision in your head, but he cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. He’s taking care of the life that you’ve made together. Why doesn’t he say anything when you’re sad? Are you telling him what you need? He cannot read your mind. He couldn’t when you got married and he really can’t now. You’re idealizing that other person out there. No one is perfect.

Finally, my guess is that you’re imagining a more “glamorous” life than the one you have now. Maybe you’d get it. But what about the time in between? When you’re alone, visiting your kids every few days, no dates, no clear prospects. If your marriage is bad, then these things are worth it. If your marriage is fine, I think these things would be very depressing. My father, jokingly, said to me after I had my second son “you better hold on to - single woman, two kids, you are not a catch.” He was totally kidding, but there is some truth to that. Everyone deserves happiness, but not everyone gets it. If you can make yourself happy with what you got, I’d make it work.

Good luck.

14

Gina:

WOW!! This is a hard situation to be in.

What you and your husband need is common ground again. Have you thought about being the woman HE NEEDS? This isn’t just a one-way street. He’s stayed home to care for the kids so you could live your dream.

You want passion?! Create it!! Don’t just expect your husband to do all the work. TAKE HIM OUT. Get a sitter and woo him. Have you thought that MAYBE you are making it impossible for him to be that man?

You ARE being taken care of. He cooks and cleans for you? WOW!! My husband cooks once in a while and cleaning? PAAHLEASE!!

Have you thought about how your journey has affected him and your children? Have you thought about how YOUR changes have affected those around you?

In order to get what you want in life - you have to BE what you want. You want passion? Bring it to the table. Don’t sit back and TALK about it. DO IT. Are you really ready to walk away from love that has been there for 20 years? Take a step back and look at things. Make a list of pros and cons. Ask yourself are you better off without him? If the answer is YES - then move on - but keep in mind - the grass is NOT always greener. These changes you have made in your life have affected all around you. I’m sure you’ve even changed the people you hang out with. It’s almost like becoming a movie star and leaving your old friends behind for your new ones - then the shine falls off the star and those friends will be falling just as fast as they came in.

Take an inventory of your life. Be thankful for what you have. You want that security - you have it, you are just blinded by the new changes in your life and “feel” that it isn’t enough. Just because he doesn’t earn a paycheck, he’s doing something that no amount of money can be charged - he’s loving you, your children and family - he’s caring for you, your children and family. Not many women have that. Many women have self-serving men who want to earn a paycheck, play golf, go out with the guys and want that trophy wife.

YOU have been responsible for bringing in the bacon - you have been responsible for the family’s financial security - you want that to change? Then you need to find out if HE wants to go back to work. Communication is KEY - however it’s not a one-way conversation - it’s not just what YOU want - it’s what you BOTH want. LISTEN TO HIM TOO. Maybe he doesn’t express himself to you because you are belittling him - knowingly or unknowingly - you would be surprised by body language and eye contact will say more than words do. Have you stopped to think he doesn’t respond to when you are happy or sad because you have changed directions over the last 3 years and he doesn’t know WHAT to say? It’s hard to be there for someone who’s closed themselves off to others - you may not think you have - but I’m almost positive you have - it’s all about you and now he doesn’t know how to communicate with you and maybe when he does you cut him off and say WHAT ABOUT ME? You are focused on you and only you - your needs, wants and desires.

Think long and hard before you make any life-altering decisions. Be sure you are LISTENING to him not just giving him face-time.

15

Sounds like you need some couples counseling to incite the romance and appreciation back in your lives. In all honesty, it appears like you are being selfish and lazy about not wanting to work on small things that happen when two people become complacent, which is extremely normal. You need him to sweep you off your feet again, but are you doing that for him either? You both need to challange yourselves to focus back on each other. I am all for divorce in most cases I hear about, but this mid-life crisis scenario, in my opinion, isn’t one of them.

Maybe visiting some of these links on “how to rekindle a marraige” and reviewing them together will help get that boost, that you, and most likely he needs as well.

and ps, if you do divorce him, send me his number, I know several single ladies that would love him.

16

Sometimes we really need to stand and take a look at ourselves. Do you realize that you overshadow this man? I don’t mean this is a negative way at all. You sound like you are a very productive individual. You were with the man for over 5 years before you married him. You probably saw a few things that were pretty fantastic. Maybe you need to look at things in a different light. He cooks and cleans-I think that maybe in his own way he is taking care of you. I am by far not a domestic goddess and I would think this would be great to find someone like that. A good relationship fits together like a puzzle. He is the parts that you aren’t. My sister is very unhappy with her husband. He is a very quiet, intelligent man who cooks. I think my sister should just step back and take a look at herself. I have been married twice and if I though either marriage was able to be saved I would have sure given it a try. Sometimes a person does not appreciate the best until they have experienced the worst!! It was a hard lesson to learn but I feel very strong and I am ready for the best. I think people that start out with the best often times overlook the positive. You didn’t mention anything about sex but maybe that is the passion who are talking about. That is something you can work on. Take a cruise, put the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door and try to reconnect. Sex really isn’t much fun unless you are happy and satisfied with yourself. Maybe you two need to start connecting and show each other how to be happy. If you want him to take care of you then be vulnerable. Cry on his shoulder. It is your life and I can not judge since I am not walking in your shoes. I am just trying to give you something thought provoking. I am not in love with either of the idiots I was married to. I just want you to see how I said IDIOTS.

17

even if you get divorced… it does not mean that you will attain those kinds of feelings, with someone else. Or it could be worse. Many men, are not as ‘caring’ as your Husband.
I guess maybe you are just feeling ‘bored’ with him and your life… perhaps.
So DISCERN what you are really feeling… and possibly because he is a stay-at-home Dad, you don’t feel equitable with him. Emotionally.
So discern that as well… because, he is a good man it seems.

Work on it.
Go to counseling.
Fathom yourself.
He is willing…
maybe he just does not know how… and maybe your ‘concerns’ makes him feel inadequate and demoralized. And a demoralized man… ‘cannot’ please his wife. ever.

Next, if you have un-fillable needs… it will never be filled. No matter who the man is. I’m sure even Brad Pitt in private, is not a Super-Hero partner.

It seems, you feel he is lower than you and not a ‘man.’ Therein, to me, lies the “problem.” Thus, your emotions are wavering.
Fathom yourself…

You still love him… just not the ‘image’ you have about what a man ‘should’ be and what he is, not. You see what he is ‘not’… and it ridicules him. Behind his back. I’m sure he can feel the vibes.

Discern… what is real and what is not. Your needs is what most women want… and sometimes they have it already, but don’t notice. Or they want so much that their partner can never fulfill it… and thus, the man becomes demure and 2nd rate, and non-expressive, because being themselves, only backfires and they are not truly appreciated. Either.
Can your Husband truly be himself…??? Or is he having to chase your ideals? He needs to be able to be himself too. Any Spouse needs that. Not to feel inadequate all the time.
Next, if he is unhappy all the time as a result of your ‘expectations’ for the past 3 years… well, what if he finds another woman who appreciates him? Because he is not getting it at home.
It seems, he has been putting up with a LOT, the past 3 years… as you have been talking about what “you” want in life.
What about him?
He seems to make a lot of sacrifices, for you, and the family.
And I think personally, that he does not express himself anymore, because it gets him nowhere.

Its like someone who wants to be told all the time “I love you” by their partner. But they are told that. But when they are told that they always are not satisfied because it is not told to them like how it is in the movies… it is not told to them like how they think it should, it is not told to them in the right tone of voice or at the right time, it is not told to them in the perfect inflections that they think it should, it is not told to them, ever… perfectly enough. Thus they don’t notice. Thus, even if they were told “I love you” a MILLION times in a day, it would never be enough and then the other partner just gives up saying it. Because it is futile. Because the other person is never satisfied, enough.

Then the thing I do know is: any human/partner, just NEEDS to know and feel, that they are ‘accepted’ for who they are… unconditionally. If not, they give up. Maybe sooner or later, your Husband will give up, if he has not already. Chasing a rainbow can never be caught. He cannot fulfill you. That is a hard reality, for a man and Husband.
What are HIS interests and feelings? He seems to take care of everything including the neighbors. That takes a lot of ‘character.’ To me, he does do a lot for you… caring for you, about you. Immeasurably. Not many men, are like that. And you love him. See him for who and what he is. I don’t think he feels ever that you, his spouse, is ‘proud’ of him. A man needs that.

How would you feel… if the tables were turned? And you were him?

all the best,
Susan

18

if you are still in love then stay with him..i’m a single mother..its very hard to find a good guy when you’re single and have a child…i’m dating one now and i feel like i’m dating down compared to my life before..seems like all i meet are guys trying to get laid..gee what else is new?? but 20 years is a long time perhaps you’re curious just be careful..if you are in love it would be sad to let that go b/c you think the grass may be greener..sometimes it is..but most of the time its not

xo

Updated

if you are still in love then stay with him..i’m a single mother..its very hard to find a good guy when you’re single and have a child…i’m dating one now and i feel like i’m dating down compared to my life before..seems like all i meet are guys trying to get laid..gee what else is new?? but 20 years is a long time perhaps you’re curious just be careful..if you are in love it would be sad to let that go b/c you think the grass may be greener..sometimes it is..but most of the time its not

xo

19

Something no one has mentioned much of in their posts (I read about the first 10) is the effect it will have on your kids. And, if you think b/c your kids are “older” (I’m guessing early teens?), that they will be ok, they won’t. Watch the movie “It’s Complicated” to see how even adult children are so affected by divorce. My hubby and I just watched it, and although there are some really funny scenes in it, what really stood out to us was the kids’ confusion over their parents’ relationship, and the true longing to still be together as a family unit, even after 10 years of their parents being divorced. I agree w/ many others that say to get some counselling and really work at your marriage like you’ve worked at other things. Don’t give up yet & good luck, I truly wish you and your family the best in this tricky situation.

20

I almost never think that divorce is the answer, unless someone is being abused or cheated on…and that surely isn’t the case here!

I like what someone said below…when did you “go after” your marriage? Having a good marriage doesn’t just “happen”, just like your career and all the other things you enjoy didn’t just “happen”. I think we often (mistakenly) assume that our marriages should just naturally grow over time, but that will never happen if we do not feed them. Don’t throw away your marriage - FEED IT!

Spend time telling him how much you appreciate all the things he does for your family. SHOW him how you love him.

You are the breadwinner…he may feel a little less like the “hunter/provider” …could this be the source of some of his quietness?

Check out the book “Your Spouse Isn’t the Person You Married” by Paul and Teri Reisser. I haven’t read it yet, but I heard a 2 day radio program where they were interviewed about it, and it sounds like it’s exactly what you need!
Please, stay with your husband. Don’t only do it for your children… change your marriage for you!

Rebecca