Everyone has already said most of what I think about this - grass not greener, you have a real catch, etc - but one thing is still to be considered. Why don’t you go ahead and hire someone to do what he does? Get a nanny/housekeeper so you don’t view him in some subservient “helper” role. This sounds like an emotional deal-breaker to me. Not that his contribution is not valuable, but that you do not value it. Let’s be honest - whether you’ve verbalized it or not, he knows you feel that way. How deflating! The number one rule of men is that they like to feel successful. They respond much better to positive reinforcement and doing a good job at making you happy than they do to criticism and complaints about what is lacking. Change your emphasis and response to him, and he may change his “private” ways when he starts to feel good about your reaction to him.
Stay.
Work harder on your relationship. You have a great guy that is doing amazing things. He’s consistant and you want him to change? On top of that, to punctuate the divorce on your anniversary? Cruel.
To me it’s like getting a dog for a pet, feeding and loving it… going for walks, teaching him tricks. Then one day you look at the dog and say, “I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want to walk with you, I’m bored of feeding you, you have learned all the tricks…I’m going to get rid of you, and buy a cat!”
I wonder if YOU are fulfilling all HIS dreams. Is HIS life everything HE wants. Maybe YOU should invest in HIS spirit and he will be able to perform up to YOUR expectations.
Really hope this helps…FYI I have been with my hubby for 20 years this October too.
Andrea
Your path to your new found “self discovery” is not yet over. What you’re being challenged with now is the task of loving your husband wholeheartedly and putting your “desires” second. Believe it or not, this will bring you much greater joy, peace, and strength than you could ever imagine. You made a commitment to your husband twenty years ago. You have two kids and it sounds like a really enviable life. How often do you think about what your husband’s desires are? Do you know and do what would make him feel loved, valued, esteemed? My husband is very “private” also, and frankly, verbally abusive and cruel at times. Divorce for me in not an option. So, as I cried out to God again and again for help, God gave me a supernatural love and delight in loving my husband that was amazing and pleasurable and satisfying in every way. My husband then began to change and was much nicer. It felt good to have him more responsive and caring towards me. But you know what was incredible to discover? His positive changes toward me did not feel nearly as good as the love and care that I expressed toward him. Please don’t end this marriage without first really considering and pursuing tangible, perhaps sacrificial ways to really love and care for you husband. God bless you.
A lot of this sounds like my husband and me - we’ve been married 22 years. I would never divorce him in a million years though. From what I’ve seen out there, there are way way worse relationships. You could destroy your kids’ lives if you divorced. There are so many kids who turn to drugs and alcohol when this happens. So many men are very private and they don’t communicate. That’s just the way he is. Just try to deal with it. I have a friend who divorced her husband thinking there’s better out there, and now she just got another divorce because that guy was worse, and had a lot of bad relationships in between. Your guy sounds like he does a lot of things around the house and is a good father - that should be good enough.
- It sounds like your husband would like to be the man you “need” but doesn’t know how. You’re telling him what you want but he doesn’t know how to do that or be that.
It might take counseling or books or something.
Take the time to figure out how to show him what you need so that he gets it. Think of it as a game. - Ask him what he needs-make him say it, I’m sure there are things he would like and you two can work together to make the life you are hoping for.
- A good man is hard to find. Nobody out there is going to take care of you, they are taking care of themselves and it will just be more of you taking care of yourself.
Good Luck.
It can be so hard when you feel alone and not protected by the love of your life. Each event that happens - big or small- just adds to the sadness of being disappointed.
It would be so sad to throw away your marriage when you clearly have so much good there already and just need some help to get it to awesome.
We have a wonderful married’s ministry at church that helps couples even when there are not major issues. Just like it 'takes a village to raise a child’…we all need help at times with our marriages to make them great.
Given the fact you love your husband and he loves you…have you tried counseling with another married couple? The reason I ask is when you have a couple who has a solid foundation and relationship , the wife can help him understand where you as a wife are coming from without it being accusatory, emotional , etc but the husband can help him understand as a husband where he needs to step up - without it being another woman taking the wife’s side.
Let me know if you want more info as we have couples in our church in your area as well. [email protected]
Sending love and hugs your way,
Tanza
Gina, Congratulations on you finding your path to growth and discovery - it should be a lifelong adventure. WRT the rest of your post, I agree with Laura C (I honestly only read 2 responses, stopping when I read Laura’s). I personally believe that, as a woman, it is my responsibility to teach my husband how to love me, what it means to me for him to love me. Now, I am not bossing him around, dictating his every move or emotion when he is with me; I am treating him with love, respect, admiration, gentleness, silliness, etc. My husband knows I genuinely cherish him. All this opens the door for him to treat me the same. I work very hard to create an environment that allows my husband to feel happy. He is safe expressing all his emotions, thoughts, dreams. I look for the ways he is loving me in his own way - and I am thankful! It is simple things - a kiss and a smile when either of us come home at the end of the day, an extra hug before we fall asleep, cooking a week’s worth of dinners together on Sunday while we are also trying to watch football games…easy, everyday stuff, with a little extra attention here and there. I feel great about the way I treat my husband, and that makes me happier. And when a husband sees a happy, smiling wife, he can’t help but to smile and feel good, and it becomes a wonderful circle!
Talk with him, talk with yourself, seek counseling. Peace to both of you! Barbara
Definitely go for counseling with him. Try to work this out first. Your story sounds like my Mother and Father - except my father worked full time as well. My mom wanted more but my dad was happy puttering around the house. My mom asked my dad to go to therapy and he said no. So she divorced him after 20 years when I was 18 and my brother was 15. It didn’t matter that we were older, it was still really bad for us (mostly my brother). My Dad is doing all the things he should have done with my mother with his 2nd wife - so people can change. Give your husband the benefit and work with a counselor before you divorce him. You also have to think about this from a financial standpoint. Your husband doesn’t work. You will have to pay him alimony for a long time plus child support. Is this something you can afford to do? The fact that your husband said he’s willing to change is a huge thing.
Good luck! Hope this helps.
wow…he seems to be taking care of you. He is a stay at home Dad, and you are not appreciative at all. You sound like the reverse of a Man..My wife is a stay at home mom…she cleans, ect, but she doesnt understand me..I have moved on…please…when is the last time you said thank you and take a look at what he is doing with new eyes… I too have a husband that is the best father, cook, laundry man ect..and at one time I thought we had nothing in common…we have been together 30 years…we are both in great health (softball in common when we were young) Now I have a job, he has his shop. I started to notice we we just sleeping and going to work..doing some things together, but really no dancing, dinning or traveling..
So i started to compliment him for just little things…oops gotta go back to work I will finish later if you would like…
Hi Gina,
I am suggesting you read a book called “The Five Love Languages”. This could quite possibly be a simple fix. After I read the book and insisted my husband take the fun quiz at the end, it really opened both our eyes to the specific way we talk to eachother. I was simply not “telling” him enough, (ex. Thank you, I appreciate you, You work so hard for us.) And all he needed to do for me is give me a hug, or pinch my butt as he walks by.
Our love languages were different. Now that we know how to “speak” to one another our whole marraige has changed! And we’re even having more sex, woohoo! So go for that first. He might be hesitant to read it but I had us do the quiz one night after a good meal and a couple of glasses of wine. Turned into a really fun night!
Good luck and congrats on all your personal growth. That’s so important to always be moving forward!
Cheers
beckie : )
I would add to what the others have said, by reminding you that your children are learning by watching how you live your life. It will be a valuable life lesson in love and marriage if you take the advice many of the wise women here have given you, rather than bowing out because the marriage isn’t meeting your current criteria. Love is a choice and marriage is a commitment. Everyone grows and changes during their life, and that’s what makes marriage/love hard, but rewarding, work.
Dr Laura can give you guidance. You should toon into her website. You have to be your husbands girlfriend rather than his wife. You have the upper edge.
Gina,
I ache for you..You sound like such a neat person. You care about him and are struggling with “caring” for yourself. I divorced my husband of 7 years over 13 years ago…ergo “20” years that I did not put in. I felt the same way. I was well cared for, loved, and “he” was very comfortable. I couldn’t sleep at night thinking if something happened, what would our world be? I knew that i couldn’t count on him and felt like I had to get out. I had 3 young children at the time ranging from 1.5 to 5 yrs old. I left…For me, it saved our relationship and we are now friends. He comes to our house for EVERY holiday. I did remarry 3 years ago and my husband is very secure with my ex being around..he actually encourages it. We are all a family and it is the way that it has always been meant to be.
Unlike you, I was no longer in love with him. I did love him..I still do. similar to the love I have for my brother.
Good luck to you with whatever you choose. the toughest part is the doubt from everyone else…“why would you leave such a giving and nice person”..? Well, everyone that said that to me years ago, never say it anymore.
~Jodi
There was something in Simple Magazine awhile ago that I clipped and taped up onto our fridge. My eyes go to it every time I open the fridge, and it makes me smile. It really spoke to me. (I’ve been married for 13 years; we’ve been together for 17.)
It says:
What is the Secret to a Good Marriage?
We choose to stay in love. We have traversed parenting, careers, finances, the loss of a pregnancy and loved ones, and fussing over whose turn it is to cook breakfast. He watches Pride and Prejudice for me, and I watch Ultimate Fighting Championship for him. We’ve changed, but we still choose each other.
Gina, passion comes and goes, romance comes and goes, you might be in a long slump now but I would say, try to revive romance and passion because honestly, if you leave that wonderful husband of yours (who seems to be taking care of everything, including you, maybe not in the way you want to be taken care of?) all you’ll find is another relationship that will eventually be more friendship than romance…that’s a good relationship, believe me, I’ve lived thru passion and caring love and I choose caring love every time.
hang in there and try to talk to your husband about all this, maybe go for some counseling…
i cant’ imagine why you would divorce someone you love who obviously loves you a ton and sounds like a great guy? you really think you’re going to find someone better, especially that long list of desires in life? keep a good thing girl. its not greener on the other side.
I think it would be better if you focused less on yourself and your needs/goals and more on your husband and kids. If you divorced your husband for no other reason than that you weren’t fulfilled…that would be entirely selfish and would be sure to ruin your children’s lives. When you make a commitment such as marriage, it should be honored and cherished and you have to put effort into loving one another. Don’t try to change your husband; embrace him for being the man you wanted to marry. Focus on his strengths and serving others, not just yourself. And in the end, that will make you happy as well.
have you tried couples therapy?
You are not perfect, and the hardest part will be finding what you do that is wrong. How many men have exactly what you have, and look over the fence at greener pastures? As a housewife what you wrote irked me. Seriously, staying home is NOT fun. You go out and get to talk to other grown ups-he does laundry. and you want support. what do you think he needs?
I have never been divorced, but I think the problem is the role reversal. Although women can be the breadwinners for the family, this role is for the man. Hate me if you want but I think that the only reason divorce has been thought of is because your husband is not filling this role and so he has become weak in your eyes. He is taking over the role of the women in your house. I think that if your roles in the household were reversed, divorce wouldn’t be thought of.
In case you’re wondering, I fully believe that men/women each have a specific role, and that when these roles are reversed, although they say they’re happy, deep inside they yearn for their natural roles. You may not want to admit it, but maybe you “wearing the pants” in the family isn’t all that attractive to your husband. I’d try being more feminine and treat your husband like a man. Maybe then you’ll get the romance you seek.
If you still love him, work on your relationship thru therapy. He probally doesnt know how to express himself or show passion the way you want. Show him, dont just say it, because that wont work. Good luck!