Why Are People So Uncomfortable With Profanity?

Editor’s note: Ironically, certain words in this piece about profanity were edited to reflect Mamapedia’s policy on this very subject.

The topic of swearing has been on my mind lately. Several bloggers and I have been talking about the touchy subject of using expletives in our writing. If you have read my posts before, you are probably well aware of my penchant for profanity.

I do not swear in all of my posts, but there are certain anecdotes, particularly those that were emotionally charged in the moment, when I use profanity to punctuate the intensity of my feelings. I am somewhat foul-mouthed in my “real life,” and I strive to present as honest a picture as possible of my daily life. I think that mothers, especially, benefit when we do not sugarcoat our parenting experience and are down to earth and truthful as possible when sharing with one another.

However, I would be lying if I said I never felt uncomfortable or conflicted about the use of expletives in my writing. Mostly because the “nice girl” in me is afraid of making other people uncomfortable, and I realize that not everyone swears in their daily lives. Being a people pleaser, a “Yes” Mom, and desperately craving approval, I don’t like the idea of people being put off by my “color.” Ultimately, though, my desire to be true to myself wins, and in certain posts, I allow myself to include the profanity that presents itself naturally during the writing process; albeit doctored at times by conveniently placed asterisks. As if we don’t all see f*** and think the word aloud in our heads anyway.

I wrote a post awhile back called “Alterna-Swears: Things To Say Instead Of Using Profanity In Front of Your Kids.” I have a lot of conflicting feelings about children and profanity. I will admit that sometimes when I hear adults using expletives conversationally with their children, it makes me cringe and I feel judgmental. Somehow, I feel that my shouting “God Dammit!” when I stub my toe is better than another person telling their kid not to step in the goose sh**. Hypocritical, I know.

Cussing children?

The idea of children running around shouting, “F*** that!” to one another is equally offensive. When my daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher taught the class to say, “Mr. Padinky!” when they were upset, frustrated or hurt. I didn’t reflect much on this until recently, when I came to the realization that she was essentially giving them a socially acceptable expletive to express their feelings.

And I have to say that I think children do need their own version of an expletive. I place great value on teaching my daughters how to identify, own and express their emotions. It may be one of my greatest assets as a parent, in my opinion. Children are filled with rage, fear, grief, elation and sorrow, so why shouldn’t their vocabulary hold words that are large enough to bear the weight of their heavy, precious emotions?

Many years ago, I was talking to a mother who brought her two boys to my music class. As we chatted, her boys – ages 4 and 6 – wrestled on the floor. “You barking dog!” one of them shouted angrily at the other. The mother smiled apologetically, and said, “It’s a good thing they don’t know curse words!”

I thought that was so amusing when I heard it, but now I think there is a lot more to it. “Barking dog” is pretty much the same thing as “f***ing a**hole.” The intention is the same, and the underlying emotion is the same; only the semantics and the level of social acceptability are different.

While I admitted that I feel uncomfortable with the notion of children swearing, let me play devil’s advocate. If there isn’t a difference between a child yelling “Rats!” and “Dammit!” when they strike out at baseball, why do we balk at the latter? And as adults, why are some people so uncomfortable with reading or hearing expletives? Is it because these words indicate a supposed lack of decorum or disregard for propriety, or is it because underlying emotions like anger, frustration, disappointment or (the most terror-inducing) rage are too shameful to be brought to light?

Healthy way to express emotion or bad manners?

Even I agree that excessive profanity can make a person seem unintelligent. I, too, have flinched when reading a blog post speckled with gratuitous “f*** this” and “f*** that.” There is a line to be crossed; expletive use can very easily go from an effective form of expression to a tasteless display of ignorance.

Does this tangent seem a bit far-fetched? Am I over-thinking things? Perhaps I should just accept that many people still embrace the value that using profanity is simply in poor taste or illustrates bad manners. But I can’t help but think that many people are even more uncomfortable with overt displays of emotion, and consider this lack of composure a poor reflection of the honest person who happens to be expressing himself.

While I don’t argue that we should teach our five year-old to holler, “Son of a bi***!” the next time he falls of his bike, I think we need to teach our children that the brilliant spectrum of their emotions is acceptable. We need to give them an outlet to express even the ugliest of feelings, and assure them that we can handle it.

I am eager to hear your thoughts: What do you find objectionable about profanity? Is there a place for it? And what do you think is at the root of people’s discomfort with swearing?

Stephanie Sprenger is the mother of two daughters, ages six and almost one. As a control freak living amongst chaos, blogging has been a satisfying outlet for her parental angst; combining her passion for writing and helping mothers connect. Please visit her blog, Mommy, For Real.