Photo by: Mugley

The Mom of The Future? A Mom's Wishes...

by Debi Sicoli of "Not for the Squeamish"
Photo by: Mugley

I have a few words for Charles Darwin. If this evolution thing is so awesome, why are moms left so far behind?

There are some things that I think should happen to a mom-to-be along with the pregnancy. After all, our bodies have learned to stretch our skin without full-on breaking, recover from internal injuries due to baby kicks and shave without being able to see our legs. And after the precious bundle arrives, we get to experience a tummy that is longer firmly attached, increased memory loss and whatever the hell else I was going to say.

So Darwin, where is my third arm? How is it we’ve been schlepping sleeping babies around for thousands of years, yet still have only two? Have you tried to cook a meal without arms? Or open a jar? Or change a diaper while keeping someone else’s arms out of the dookie? Being a mom is a full-time, two-armed job even without the kid in them. Add that and you’re asking for trouble.

Continuing with the upper appendage theme, what about my super flexible noodle arm? You know, the one I need to flail around the back seat looking for a pacifier while trying to keep my focus on driving? Our bodies should be one part Stretch Armstrong for the first five years after each child is born. This will also come in handy for reaching toys under the oven and rescuing someone from a slide.

Eyes in the back of my head? Why is this just an expression? Nature should be working on that. Just today I turned away briefly to fix a train track and when I turned back, the G-man was standing there with both his pants and diaper around his ankles.

Add to my list super-sonic speed for catching a kid that is diving from a sofa; a body that thrives on 3 hours of sleep; and the ability to make anything requested – like a train, trash truck or lawn mower – appear whenever, wherever. Okay that last one is more along the lines of a superpower and not evolution, but seriously, how handy would it be?

I have a tailbone, spleen and appendix, all of which seem rather superfluous. Is there a place I can go for an exchange?

Debi is a stay at home/work at home mom to a toddler born December 2007, one feisty cat and the world’s neediest dog. Her husband Scott does his best to keep me sane amidst the daily chaos of our lives.

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19 Comments

As a mother of three ages 11, 15 and 18 it would have been nice for someone to explain all these requirements to me BEFORE i had kids. I'm sure I am not the only mom that was ill prepared when the first one arrived. We take our moms for granted as kids and should hail them as miracle workers as adults. I know not all of us are lucky enough to have moms in our lives, but isn't that what this website is for? I thought your article was funny and very specific. I could have been writing it myself...

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I am a mother of a 21 years old disabled daughter. My only wish is that the day was 48 hours not 24. LOL

Very Interesting Article! My first years as Mather called ask a Nurse Hotline. Later years wished I had a Whole lot of VELCRO?

I agree wholeheartedly! Especially since this "third arm" is unlikely to take away from my amoeba-ish figure. Aside from its obvious utilitarian purposes, it might, in fact, help since the placement of hand/dropping arm over a saddlebag in a photo can be quite slimming. But, like a lot of things in life, it would have it's down side and probably wind up costing me more money when I go to buy clothing. :)

being a mom of 12 & 13 both boys is not easy..esp i gave birth to my second child when my first son is only 14 mos.old..now that they are grown ups so many questions and few are unanswered...now that i have your page it helps a lot..thanks to mamapedias...God bless us all...

Oh Debi, you spoke the reality of a day in the life of Maria and I'm sure many other mommies out there. your depiction of our role is colorfully accurate with a great attitude, I only wish I possessed more often. I'm gonna keep this as a reminder to take life in stride and know that these daily lists of to-do's that often fog my ability to see the bigger picture, are temporary and soon i will long to experience my son at this precious age...

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Love this! Thanks for my morning chuckle!

Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh. My 3 and 4 year old are 14 months apart so I would like to request a copy of my self.....then my house could be clean, dinner could be made, my work could get done since I am a WAHM, and I could play choo choo all at the same time :)

Ok first I have to say..."you said dookie" - I have 3 boys and potty humor is not lost on me- I haven't heard that word in years and it totally made me laugh. Second- right on! I don't think my right shoulder and arm will ever be the same- I once drove in a traffic jam going about 10-15mph for 25 min holding a bottle in my son's mouth. (It was a construction zone on the highway and there was nowhere to pull over and it was time to eat...

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OMG...I laughed til my sides hurt...I HAVE BEEN THERE!!! The fwailing about for the paci in the backseat to the leaping with a single boud to get the kid from impaling himself on the corner of the coffee table while he jumps off the couch...Look at me jump momma!!

Thank you for this. Great start to the day. I feel your pain... :)

Great entry! Thanks for sharing! I have wished that I could grow a couple more arms! There is some kids song out there about Mama needs four arms.

Anyway, thanks and great piece!

I have the same fantasy.

And then when the kid is about 5, while grabbing them so they won't run off, the arm detaches like a lizard tail. You re-grow another for each new baby

A funny thought about the trials and tribulations of very modern parenting, in a nuclear family type post industrial setting.
Sadly for us, that extended family support most new moms have in other parts of the world isn't here. Not that parenting is a total breeze elsewhere, but the isolation in which we do it is not so common.
Glad to have the internet though...to cut some of that isolation down..at least in terms of information.

Hilarious! My perspective completely! Have you thought about writing for parenting magazines? My goodness, I enjoyed this blog/post! Thank you for a laugh today!

Preach on mama! It's so nice to know that I'm in good company with all the demands of motherhood. Evolution is far, far behind.

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