The Day I Forgot to be Self Conscious

Last year I spent June at the beach with my family while eight months pregnant. I was contracting regularly, and unable to keep anything down except ice chips and protein shakes. The beach is both the greatest place and the worst place to be in this situation. I watched from the sidelines as my two boys dug sandcastles, jumped waves and floated in the pool. I also waved goodbye as they headed off to a giant water slide park knowing that I couldn’t even walk from the car to the park much less go down a slide in my condition. I layed on the couch and thought “next summer I am going to do all those things”.

If I am being honest though, before I was the pregnant, contracting, sick mom who doesn’t get in the water… I was just the mom who doesn’t get in the water. Before that, I was the wife who doesn’t get in the water. And before that, I was the girlfriend who doesn’t get in the water. I can’t remember the last time I was the girl who got in the water and had fun, but it was surely 7th or 8th grade at least. That’s not to say I hadn’t ever been in the water since then, but I wasn’t enjoying it. It was too cold and I was too insecure in a swimsuit. Too insecure to be seen without make up. Just too… self conscious.

I would say to my sons “That’s what Daddy is for!” and they would slink over to him and he would take them in the pool.

When the pools opened a few weeks ago, I almost forgot about my pledge to get in the water. Because remembering the pledge meant I had to forget about my self consiousness. But that day, when my son was swimming, the water was frigid. Of course none of the kids cared. My son is almost swimming on his own, and he’s been working really hard at it. My girlfriends got in the water with the kids and I stayed on the pool deck, observing. Then I walked over to where he was, and I just did it. I canonballed practically right on top of him. Once he recovered from the shock of it his eyes lit up with joy and disbelief “mommy, you’re in the water!”

This week at the beach he asked me to jump waves with him and I automatically said no. His shoulders dropped and he headed out on his own. What was I doing? I quickly snuck up behind him and swung his feet out into the water. “I knew you’d come!” he said smiling over his shoulder at me. Later, I took his little brother in the waves and we screamed when we got splashed, and we laughed as the waves pulled the sand back from under our toes as they receded into the ocean.

Today, we left the baby with her grandparents and they waved us goodbye as we headed out to the big waterslide park. I told myself I was going to say yes to everything – slides, wave pools, whatever. I was going to do it all. Max wanted to conquer the Toucan Twist water slide, a medium sized one, perfect for an almost 7 year old. I told him I would go first and catch him. We did this over and over before we headed over to the pirate ship and the kids played while my husband and our friends lounged on chairs watching them and chatting.

It wasn’t long before Max wanted to do that slide again and I said yes, again. He ran alongside me saying this time he would catch me. I smiled and laughing played my part “Will you? Meet me at the bottom!”

Suddenly, I realized the whole day had gone by and what was this I was having? Was this, fun? Real, genuine fun?!

Yes. That’s what I was having. I hadn’t thought about how I looked in my swimsuit all day. I wasn’t spending energy trying to hide that lovely varicose vein, I hadn’t even sucked in my stomach once!

No sooner than I thought this, I became overwhelmingly away of my thighs wobbling as I climbed the wooden steps. I heard my doctors voice in my head, “You’re skinny fat, do you know what that is? You’re not big, but you have a high level of fat. There’s not a lot of muscle. It’s not healthy.” Though I conquered my eating disorder ages ago, that comment hurt. All I heard was “You are fat.” Now every step I took I felt heavier, the curve of my belly, rounded from three babies grew outward with every moment. I felt big, I felt out of place, I felt like I couldn’t have any fun.

Just then my son grabbed my hand and with a big smile said, “I love love you!” He was so happy we were doing this together. With a quick wave from the lifeguard he headed down the fast moving slide with a smile back at me. "Ill catch you mommy!” he wailed, his voice washing away with the water as he slipped down the water tube.

I decided to take Taylor Swift’s advice and shake it off. I perched at the top of the Toucan Twist, and when I got the nod, I layed back, crossed my arms and my ankles just like instructed and swooshed my way around and around until I splashed into the pool where my son caught me.

I’ve never felt more beautiful.

Stephanie Dulli is a former actress and stand up comic who left Los Angeles for the suburbs of Maryland to raise her three kids with her husband Zach. She is director of the Washington, D.C. Listen to Your Mother Show, she blogs at Stephanie Says, and tweets to stave off Caillou Stockholm Syndrome and also manages to live with her mother in law. That may be her greatest accomplishment to date.