Spousal Communications Decoded
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If you’ve been in a relationship for longer than twenty minutes, you know that many exchanges with a significant other require some interpretation. Below are helpful translations of common household interactions.
The Husband Subtext Decoder:
- “I cleaned while you were gone.” = “Anything I had to hand wash is still sitting in the sink fermenting what will eventually become the key ingredient in a herpes vaccine.”
- “It’s not in there, I checked.” = “When I opened the cabinet door and gingerly moved my head from right to left, then promptly exited the room, I didn’t see the thing I was looking for.”
- “Do you want me to make dinner?” = “I’d rather cook than finish the hand-washing in the sink, because what the crap is growing on that stuff?”
- “Does this shirt look okay?” = “Does this shirt increase my chances of having sex with you later?”
- “I have to run to Home Depot, need anything while I’m out?” = “I hope you don’t need anything while I’m out, because chances are I’ll take longer than the Donner Party and I already forgot what you asked for.”
The Wife Subtext Decoder:
- “I’m making such a good dinner tonight.” = “I’mma dirty every single pot and pan we own, even the good ones that need to be washed by hand.”
- “I did all the laundry.” = “Which is now sitting in four laundry baskets getting wrinklier than Joan Rivers’ real face.”
- “Give me five minutes, I just have to do a work thing.” = “I just posted a picture to Facebook and I’m compulsively refreshing my page until somebody comments.”
- “Check out my new jeans.” = “The comfort and fulfillment of your penis relies heavily on your reaction.”
- “I’m running to Target for a birthday card, I’ll be right back.” = “We have at least eighty dollars in the account, right?”
What do you think? Did I forget something?
Brenna Jennings is a mom and photographer who found the blogging spotlight after writing Why Having a Toddler is Like Being at a Frat Party for her blog Suburban Snapshots. She and her husband are currently raising one daughter and two spoiled dogs in beautiful coastal New England, where they relish all three weeks of summer. You can also find her Facebook.
