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Is This Your Last One?

September 16, 2012

I’m all emotional right now, so bear with me. And I’m even more emotional because I finished reading a similar post and it had me in tears. At least I’m not alone!

I remember when Bennett was around five months old, I got ‘baby fever.’ Badly. I think it was because around five months is when they start babbling more, rolling over, sitting up, eating solid foods. This is about the time that you look down at your little baby and realize that they are growing up – fast. And I’m pretty sure that is what makes all mama’s start to bawl like, well, babies. It’s so bittersweet.

Of course, it didn’t take me long to snap out of the baby fever because soon he started crawling, and it was a whole new ballgame. LOL. And I think it was okay because I also knew without a shadow of a doubt that we would have a second baby one day. It was inevitable that I would experience all those little milestones again. That eased my mind a ton.

My husband and I are undecided on family size. We love our two boys and could see them growing up to be best friends, and that would be that. I mean, the family is ‘balanced’ at four right now, right? Wouldn’t adding a third just kinda shake it up a little?

But…I’m not so sure. The other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if this is the LAST time that I ever get to experience having an infant? What if I never get to squeeze a delicious little newborn again and pinch its cute little chubby rolls? What if I never get to feel the excitement of watching another baby discover their hands and feet? Or smile at me for the first time? As I was nursing Easton a few days ago, a tear rolled down my cheek, out of nowhere. What if this is the last baby I ever get to nurse?

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my boys, and if we never had another, I would be happy. I think. And believe me, I’m not saying that I would go and get pregnant right now, even if my husband said he wanted another one. No way, Jose. I’m so not ready to be pregnant again.

It’s just…the thing is…a few weeks ago, I had a very, very vivid dream. In that dream, I was giving birth to a third child. A third boy to be precise. We even gave him a name. The dream felt so real that when I woke up, for a split second I thought we had three kids. Just for a split second, though. And then it made me sad to think about this dream never being realized.

All of this seems so silly, right? I mean come on, Mandy, snap out of it! But to me, children are the greatest blessings in the entire world. And it would be such a privileged to have another baby one day.

I truly cherish babies, I really do. I think they are amazing and pure. My babies make me a better person, and show me what life is really all about. And the thought of being ‘done’ just pulls at my heart strings, like, WHOA. So – I know that I need to savor every single little baby-ish thing that Easton does. Every little smile, every cry, every ounce of his cute little arm rolls, every single little thing. I just want to bottle up his baby-ness and keep it forever!!

Something just doesn’t feel right about Easton being my last child. The thought of going through pregnancy again some day scares the heck outta me (I had extremely bad morning sickness), but I also know that there is no greater joy in the world than having a baby. I’m hoping one day, my husband and I will just KNOW what we’re supposed to do. I will be doing a lot of praying. That’s for sure

Honestly, how do you decide when you were ‘done?’

Mandy is a work-at-home mom of two little boys, Bennett (2 y/o) and Easton (5 months old). She is passionate about her photography business, but says the true rewards of life come from being a mother. Follow Mandy’s journey through the misadventures, triumphs and giggles of being a mama on her blog, A Sorta Fairytale.

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