Trouble with Husband Who Likes to Drink

I have found that people who have a drinking problem tend to make a lot of excuses for their drinking (how is drinking a motivator?!?). Please find an Al-Anon meeting to go to.

You did not cause his drinking, get that out of your mind right now.

You will find a lot of support in Al-Anon. It's a good program and it will change your own life and the life of your family for the better.

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Drinking too much is NOT small potatoes! Get yourself to an ALANON meeting asap. It will help you to put the responsibility where it belongs--squarely on HIS shoulders. He needs help. Please start with ALANON.

2 moms found this helpful

Is he being violent? Irresponsible? What is drinking too much? It sounds like small potatoes. The more you nag him about it and stress about it the more he's going to do it.

Try being as sweet and nice to him as you can be (even if you don't feel like it). I had a similar issue with my husband when he was laid off. They get depressed. If he is a man, he probably doesn't like that he is not supporting his family.

ADDING: There was not an amount of beer stated, only that he drinks to much. It may be only 1 beer a day and to the poster it's too much. I doubt she would be leaving her son home alone, or allow him to pick her son up from school if he was drunk. No one questioned how much it was.

Give him a break. It's probably the last thing you should be worried aobut.

It sounds like there are several issues here, and although I'm sure there are connections between them, they really are separate. As others have said, it's wonderful that you're taking care of your health and trying Weight Watchers, but your weight is not the major issue in your marriage or the reason for your husband's drinking. So continue to do what you have to do to improve your health and self image, but don't fool yourself into thinking that if you just get the weight off, your husband will suddenly turn into someone else.

Your husband's driking is HIS separate issue. He is not going to stop drinking if he gets a good job or starts communicating with you more. In fact, his drinking will probably make it harder for either of those things to happen. It sounds like he's depressed or has low self-esteem or both, so he's probably going to need to work on those issues himself. Encourage him to get help, but ultimately all you can do is get help for yourself. As others have said, try Al-Anon.

As for the marriage, the best advice I have is that there is a point -- or two or three or four -- in every long-term relationship when one or both partners question whether this is the right person for them. Couples who make it to happy old age together decided that they would be happy with the person they chose. You have to actively love one another -- love is not just something that happens to you, at least not for a long period of time. It takes work. And, of course, it takes work from both partners. So if you feel like things aren't so happy right now, maybe talk to your husband to find out whether he's feeling the same way and also wants to be happy with you again, even if just for the sake of your son. Then find a marriage counselor, join a church with a leader who inspires you, or find some other source of inspiration to learn how to begin loving one another again.

Mt. Calvary Lutheran Church in Acton, MA is having a special sermon series on how to stay in love right now. 9:00 Sunday mornings. I'm not sure whether this is near you or whether you go to church, but I am not particularly religious and yet find myself attending this series of sermons. I feel totally welcome there although I do not normally attend church, and the pastor is very motivational, so I'd reccommend that you (and your husband if you can get him to go) attend if you're in the area.

I ha to divorce my husband because of a major drinkig problem. He wouldn't get help. Yours sounds the same as mine, good luck and I am sorry.

I have dealt with a husband who drinks for years. It is an emotional rollercoaster, but I love him to much to leave him. DO NOT write this off as just a phase that he will get over. Alcohol is an addicting and depressing drug, and the more he drinks when he is alone, the worse it will get. Things that have helped us survive over the years are: Leave a list of things for him to do during the day (shop for groceries, do the laundry, house keeping, yard work) The busier he is, the less time there will be for beer. Try to do simple things together as a family, like go for a walk, go to the zoo or the mall and people watch, play board games or have a sudoku or crossword puzzle competition. I'm sure that he is depressed, so keep reminding him that you and your son love him and need him. Maybe he can get training for a new job? Or look for any part time job that will help pay the bills. A councilor can be a great help also. I wish you the best. There will be some tough times ahead, but if you truly believe that marriage is made for a life time... fight for it.

Congratulations on signing up for WW! That's a step in the right direction. How about starting some sort of exercise program, too? That will help take the weight off, reduce stress, improve your self-esteem and make you feel more empowered. You can't change anyone else, but you can make some positive changes for yourself. Then, no matter what happens with the two of you, at least you're not stuck in quite as much of a rut as you would if you'd been taken care of yourself.

That being said, it also sounds like you two have some things to work on. I'm sure he feels terrible about his job situation. When he's having a good day, try to have a heart to heart with him. Speak from your heart about your feelings, concerns and fears. Remember to use lots of "I" statements, not blaming statements. Try to remember why you two fell in love and got married in the first place. That part of each of you is still in there; it's just been buried by life and it's normal problems.

Consider going to a marriage counselor together or even a counselor just for yourself if he won't go. If there's a possibility that he has issues with alcohol, check out Al-Anon.

Best wishes.

Hey there .. I can almost assure you that your relationship is going to go down if you don't do something now. I went through this and it was no fun and it acutally put me in a place that I fell out of love and had to make the choice to move on with my daughter who was 3 at the time. I would be worried sick with his drinking and getting behind the wheel of a car with your son -- saftey for you son should be #1.

I saw a suggestion for alanon -- that is a great start for you but is he going to allow you the time to go?

My opinion you need to talk to him about it when he hasn't been drinking. Getting him to look at this as he is an alcoholic is going to be very difficult -- men never ever want to admit they have a problem. He is going to twist this on you. If he does that, I would leave. Your the one suffering the most right now and your son although he is still young, he doesn't see it, yet. As they get into their preteens they start to form their own opinions .. Now I'm rambling. Let us know how you do.

Regarding the amount your husband drinks, as my marriage counselor told me "if the drinking is a problem for you, then it is a problem." You need to talk to him. Use the "I" statements as mentioned below. Don't be negative or else he will just be defensive, but don't be an enabler and let him do whatever just to ease his ego. If he is not willing to work on the marriage together, then it is time to go.
Give him the chance to work it out. Seek a marriage counselor, or al-anon, or both. I was married to an alcoholic and even after he stopped drinking our life paths still didn't mesh.
In the end it is up to you. Some couples make it, others don't. You will have to work for it. Together. It won't work if only one of you does it. You need an emotional support system other than him. Lean on friends and family or the al-anon group. Take care of you so you can take care of your baby...

M.,
other people's drinking has affected my life a lot. It was misery before i found Al-Anon. It is a network of people whose lives are affected by other people's drinking. Their support continues to make so much difference in my life. Maybe this is for you too: check them out, try a few meetings, before you decide (hope you can find a way to make time for this! it must be hard! but it could make all the dfference): http://www.ma-al-anon-alateen.org/

Don't beat yourself up about feeling overweight. Try to love yourself and forgive yourself, and that will change the world!

Good luck! How good of you to reach out -- i am sure you'll get loads of good responses, and there's fellowship out there. You are not alone. Things can get so much better -- you won't even believe it...

D.

My husband had a drinking problem as well. I told him that he had to get professional help for it or he was going to lose his wife and family; period. I meant it. So he did. He went away for five days to a rehabilitation clinic, and it has helped tremendously. It has saved our family.

If your husband is open to this, give it a try. If he isn't, though, I would say your family has little chance of being functional and happy. It's up to you how you want to proceed. Good luck!