The Company Your Child Keeps

They are your children, and I totally agree with you. Just stick to your guns. There is a scripture verse that says, "Bad company corrupts good morals." Very true! We shelter our children from bad influences. We have never regretted that decision! Once they are exposed to something, you can never take it back. They have it. Once they have the good teaching down, and are mature enough to understand it all, then they will be able to handle the antithesis. I heard it compared to a bank teller. They study the real money. Eventually, when they see or feel a counterfeit, they know it. They only know it because they *know* the real deal. If they are bombarded with real and fake money, they aren't trained well enough on the good to just know instinctly the bad.

I let my kids play with who ever they like, and if some behaviors are different than what I teach than we talk about it openly. I want my kids to know good manners and to behave in a way our family finds appropriate, but I also want him to understand that there are different ways that people do things as well. I see no reason to shy away from that, I just use it as a learning tool.

There aren't enough details here for me to understand what sort of behavior you're talking about. I have discovered that a group of kids will nearly always run wild if allowed to do so. As Demetra C. said, the adult has to be in charge, tell them the rules, and have immediate consequences when they aren't obeyed.

I've also found that I cannot teach a group of kids much of anything in the way of good behavior. When I'm watching my grandchildren they can have one friend or possibly 2, if they've proven themselves, inside the house at any one time. Much easier to manage them that way. And.....I am able to teach them appropriate behavior by saying, "in my house, the person who breaks a toy has to pay for the toy.?

I also make a point of getting to know the parents. You stated you were afraid to do this but it's really an important step if you plan to live in the neighborhood for a long time. Your child will be wanting to play with them. You can't keep the neighbor children completely out of your lives. Yes, you can keep them out of your house. However, I prefer having children play with my daughter and now my grandchildren that I know and can see what they are doing. As your child gets older they won't be willing to stay in your yard with you there watching them.

You might be surprised at how many of the other parents feel the same way you do but handle it differently. And that they would be willing to replace a broken toy. That they want their children to behave and are unaware that they don't at your house.

Groups of children tend to get wild. They need supervision and to be taught the rules for good behavior in your house. And if you know their parents they are more likely to behave knowing that you will tell on them.

When we first started having children over to play, I was shocked at how quickly toys were broken and the play area was trashed. We only have one child and together my husband and I have worked really hard to teach him to be respectful of toys and books, and other people's property. When I realized that this was not necessarily the case with other kids, I made some changes at home. When we know some kids are coming over, I remove some of my son's favorite things from his bedroom so that there is no chance of breakage. I send them outside to play when possible, and we fixed up a play room in the basement that has all the toys we don't really care about. I also have rules about which part of the house they are allowed to play in. By the age of 4 my son was responsible for helping with the post-play date cleanup; now that he's 7 he has to do it all. We still end up with carnage,and it still surprises me that kids as old as 9 or 10 are not the slightest bit concerned when they break something that does not belong to them, but I'm learning to look the other way.

I have done both so I certainly understand where you are coming from. The choice is yours and if you aren't comfortable with these other children around, then it's your choice to limit your childs interaction with them. We kind of have a rule in my house and it's that when visiting kids are in my house, I run the show and just because they are allowed to do certain things at their house, does not mean the same applies for my house. Most of the kids are scared of me so if I say something once, I don't usually have a problem out of them and if I have to say it more than once then I make everyone sit down and watch tv. It usually only takes the kids one time to experience the alternative before they get it together. I overheard my daughters friend ask her if she knew of some rapper and my daughter said no and I am not interested, mind you she's 7 and I was so proud of my baby. But then the little girl said she would show her once they got back to our house and I said no I am sorry, I don't allow my daughter to watch stuff like that. Saying all that to say, if you have those kids over to your house, you have to set the standard of what they can and can't do at your house. If they act unruly at your house then politely tell them that they can come back when they can abide by your rules. You influence them instead of them influencing your child.

i have a similar dilemma in my neighborhood. lots of kids with no supervision. i let my boys (6 and 4) play outside with any of the kids but they all have to obey my rules if they are in my yard. if they want to play with your child they will behave. if not, they will leave. it's a win win.

I ignored one family's rudeness and it escalated as the kids grew up. I tried talking to the M. and setting boundaries. Finally, I had to cut them off and my child understood why. Still, the M. started lying about us at school to the point people were asking me about it. I remained calm and answered "Of course not. Why would you ask me such a strange, crazy question when I don't even know you?" She admitted this M. told her.
Had I simply not gotten involved with her, I would have spared myself and my child lots of frustration.
And before kids I would have said "Teach her manners. Be the role model."
As a child, I needed and craved that and would have responded. The family I dealt with was not open to healthy change.

I never thought I would be the type to "shelter my child" but now that I have kids, I do think it's important to keep a close eye on what they do and who they play with. I totally agree with the Bible verse that the other mom quoted and think that bad company DOES have a huge impact on how your child behaves. If we're at a playdate and things are out of the norm for my older son, he will point it out or come to me. He's 5 and so he is starting to understand "some parents let their kids do X but you can't because it's not how God wants us to behave". But at a younger age they just imitate and even at 5 it's still a hard concept to grasp - even at 35 really, lol! So if I were in your shoes I would try really hard to help her find some different friends. If you've tried sitting her friends down (or their parents) and discussing your feelings with them (which I do think you shoudl try to do it you haven't) and they are totally resistant to following your rules then I would say "adiós" to them for good or until they are ready to follow your rules. I know that would be hard for your daughter but in the long run I know she will appreciate it. Don't forget to pray often for her to find good friends and also pray for her friends to be the kind of friends you want her to have. Good luck with such a difficult situation!

If you want your children to maintain a certain standard of behavior, you will have to import or find friends for them that have those same standards. I grew up in a different time when most people had manners, respect for others, etc. But these days, the TV, movies, etc. are the teachers and even worse, the parents lack the basic social skills they should have. I found a church with like-minded people and a children's program that was good while rearing my two grandchildren. But they still went to school with the kids lacking a proper upbringing, and my kiddos picked up attitudes and behavior that didn't come from us. If I had it to do over again, I would keep them "sheltered" until their values were firmly in place. You get only one shot at rearing them. Don't compromise.