Stepdaughters Sister Calls My Husband Daddy Too...??

I would do the kind thing and include her--treat her like a daughter too. We all understand a child's need to have a "daddy" just like her sister does. She may not know what else to call him. Most children know it is rude to call an adult by their first name. When she gets older someone will need to explain to her in a way she can understand. I am sorry that it may end up being you and "daddy." Be kind to this little girl. I have a strong feeling that you are going to regret it if you don't.

All children want to be loved by someone.
She is probably hearing when the facts are being explained... but probably doesn't care anyway.

My husband is the father to only two of my four children. They all call him Dad and when he is around them, he IS their dad. He acts it, he remembers them, and he loves them. That's what's important... being loved.

I'd advise him to just go with it if her mom doesn't mind. If her mom does mind, then she needs to stop letting them hang out with nana and papa.

Hey there,

It sounds like you are frustrated with this... but really it's just a matter of you and your husband being comfortable with her. She clearly needs you all (especially if her own mother is pretty cold, as you said).

My heart goes out to that little girl. She is lost in life and it seems to me if you and your husband could look at it as though she were "adopted", since she has adopted all of you... That would be the gracious, loving thing to do for both her and the daughter that is biologically his... For her sake, for both of their sakes, don't make it a half-hearted attempt to include her every now and then... His daughter needs both you all and her.

best regards to your family, L.

Does it really hurt anything? She knows he is special to her sister, so why not her. She needs a "daddy", we all do, and if calling him that helps to give her peace, why not? If you love her, as you say, your husband should feel honored that this lost child feels that comfortable with him, and loves him that much.

My name is Sharon, A. and I've went through the same ordeal. My husband's son, has a older sister. They would visit around Christmas, and their mother felt it was her right to send them both. Once or twice we agreed, her last visit I took it upon myself to tell her, my husband was her not her father. At this time the child was six years old. Again, I felt her mom had plenty of time to tell her this. I felt guilty for a short period of time. We still continue to do things for her out of consideration. There is a limit, because this is not a free ride. Her mother's place is to seek out the "real" father. It's not fair for anyone to push a child off on someone else, unless they all agree (present spouse) included. Be extra careful, because it can get out of hand. Seek out the real reason why the stepdaughter's mother is letting this continue. What's your husband position in this matter? How are you and your husband dealing with this as a team? This passage was written by my mom ( Sharon).

Biology is not as important as everyone would like to believe. Families are made up of all kinds of different situations. You become a part of a family when you marry into it, when you conceive children, when you adopt, and even when you step into the start of someone else's family growth. Don't hurt this little girl by excluding her because she is not his blood child. He got involved with the mother knowing she already had a child. Therefore, becoming involved in her life as a dad.
You should embrace them both as your family and speak separately with mom about the financial responsibilities,
if that is an issue for you.
My father did this and has more children to love and love back. I wish you all the best.

I agree with Whitney and I ask you to do something for me. Visualize yourself at 7 for just a moment and reach out for a father who isn't there for circumstances beyond your control. How do you feel? Now how would you feel if your little sister had a dad who took her places and did things for her and with her and left you behind? There are no guarantees in life, no one knows what tomorrow will bring, it's really best if we tread on each other's feelings and hearts as gently as we can. I hope you and your DH can find it in your hearts to continue to accept this little girl. She deserves her innocence for now. I love that you say your DD is outgoing - perhaps it would sadden her as well if you no longer had the little girl in your family. Continue to think about it and do what your heart directs you to.

well since moms not telling her you all need to. sit down with her and explain that he isnt daddy and you love having her around but you all do need family time too. good luck

I know where your coming from but from the other side let me explain...My ActDty, Husband had a son from a previous then we had two children together. My stepson's mother is deceased But we try to keep him in touch with her family ..ie the grand-parents now we all know grand -parents mean presents ...candy ... and a lot of spoiling ( every kids dream!) Now then our yourger two children of course picked up on calling my parents (nanny and pappy) and my husband's parents ( mam-maw and pap-paw) from the oldest child naturally...and the also picked up calling * the extra maternal grandparents* ( papa and granny) from him too. And for years things were strained when the oldest got extra birthday presents and gifts and even when he got to go see them. But we never fought it or told the children to stop, what a child calls someone thats close to them should not worry any body... daddy is just another name and as the child becomes older and in her mind can understand the diffrence between the calling of the name daddy and what a daddy is and does ( which are two diffrent things ...she will probly drop it own her own... or it may be the relationship will change and evole own it's own with time...and her mother may not mean to sound cold...I remeber feeling the same way my-self about my children, when it seemed they could not grasp what I thought to be a very simple concept...that these people are not your grandparents ( whan I had explained it at least a thousand times) and I always felt very put on the spot, whan at a big family gathering they would call -mr. Rand Mrs.A - papa and granny and everybody would look at me to see what kind of fixing I would do and after a million times I wanted to scream ... They are not your grandparents Knock it off...( but, I would whole my tounge...What helped the most was that Mr.r and Mrs.A very so very very understanding and gracious about the whols thing...they would just chuckle it off and laugh saying " that's alright " and kind of ignoring it, Whan I knew it was already so, h*** o* them to see me raising their grandson and having a new family with their daughter's husband while she's dead. My children are just a bit older than this girl now, and they understand the whole thing now...of course that ment explaining how the oldest ia not mine and what happened to the other mommy and "the whole mess of it" This girl may even understand some of it now...but not want to give up on the only man she can call daddy...she has a 7yo's heart after all. With a few questions you may be able to find out how much she understands...you may be able together to find some thing ( an alternative) that all of you can be happy with ...something that allows her to to be happy and not lose the special way she feels about your husband.. and something that doesn't make your husband what to run. Then again maybe just more time.

If you can, just welcome her as 'your own' (or at least 'his' own). She needs a stable male role model in her life, and it doesn't matter WHO it is! I see only blessings coming from including her if you do it in the right spirit. You know, any man can be a 'father', but it takes someone really special to be a 'daddy' (and it's not always the 'father'!)

Dear A.
God bless you for the love you show this little girl. I have a stepdaughter, now 16, who came to live with me and my exhusband at the age of 8 after here mother let her go through unmentionable things and lost her parental rights. She is a special girl. Her dad and I have been divorced since she was 10. She lived with me until she was 13 and still spends summers and weekends with me. I am always introduced as Mom and she as my daughter. She wishes things had been different for her and her bilogical mother but I hope I have helped her learn to forgive and let go of what could never be. I do pray that someday her and her mother can reconcile and become friends. Thank God for the new blessing He has placed in your lives because if you guys didn't have the love she needed, where would she get it. Keep treating her like one of your own, just like God treats you like His. The blessings you will receive will be amazing!

Hi A.! I totally agree with Whitney, she's right on!

I have a cousin who's married with three little kids. He also has an older son (about 10 years older) who has a younger brother (these two boys have the same mother, but different fathers) and my cousin has been an amazing "step-dad" to that little boy who isn't really his. That other little boy has always been included in family reunions, vacations, pictures, EVERYTHING. I have a lot of respect for my cousin and his wife for making this other little boy feel loved and included. Not only is it an amazing thing to do for child, but these boys have so many fun childhood memories TOGETHER instead of remembering how they were split up during summers, spring breaks, etc.

I understand your frustration but has no boundrys he might not be her daddy but that dont mean he dont love her and she dont love him it sounds as though you being an adult should put yourself in her shoes it may be that your the only real family she has.
as far as family pictures if you go to walmart they take 6 extra photos include her in 1-2 then just your family in the other 4 and the advertized package she could be in one of all of you and 1 of just the children.just show her the love you can and in time talk to the mother let her know you love her and include her when you can but shes really to young to stress her out it would do more dammage than she deserves.when shes 10-12 her mother needs to be honest with her.you will be happier and she will have a good bond with your family so hopefully the news from her mother wont distroy her.hope this helps

I understand your concern and feelings but my husband and I have been surrogate parents to several young people in our lives. This has been good for not only the young but gives them a since of family and security. In our old town our neighbor, single mother, moved in. Her daughter who had nothing to do with her father unless he would show up unexpectedly then she would just view him as some guy my Mom knows. She became part of our family. We included her in pics that we took, parties and outings. She is now a well adjusted adult, a military wife as well with a daughter and one on the way. She contributes being so well adjusted to the time she spent with us. In our family she learned how to be honest with being nasty towards others. How to love unconditionally, and most of all she learned that a regular family always has enough love to go around regardless if you are related by blood or not. My brother and SIL have a friend with a daughter who lives with them. The friend has learned how to be a better parent with her daughter because of the time she spent with us being part of our extended family. Her daughter has learned a lot about rules and consequences within being part of our extended family. Maybe this is your families chance to be a positive influence and role model for this young person. Remember, everything you do someone has seen and it will affect them and possible even change that persons outlook about something. I will pray for you and your family, all of them, your extended family.

The way you word it, it seems like nana and papa and daddy didn't spend much time with their grandchild and daughter much when she was little? You say now that she's getting older you will have her come visit more often? Did I read that right? Little confused LOL About the sister, You say we love and treat her as if she were our own... But she's not. Obviously both of you are well aware she's not yours but you don't want to hurt her... Then don't! What's the harm in giving a little girl who obviously needs a fathers love what she craves? That makes you very special people if you are able to open your hearts a little wider and accept one more. She may not be yours but she is your daughters half sister. Does she really need to be an outsider looking in and seeing what her sister has and wanting the same? When you get family photos, take both kids, do different poses and take some with only his "bio" child and him?.. Then you have both! Can't lose that way. Everyone will have their own memories of that glimpse in time. If hubby wants seperate time with his daughter, make sure half sisters mom has plans with her as well so she doesn't feel left out?... Just some thoughts of mine for you. I guess what I thought when I read your post was that in the grand scheme of this huge world...what would it hurt to let her feel that way for you.?

Nobody can tell you what will work for your family, each family dynamic is different. But I want to share my own experience with you.
I grew up in a home where my parents "stayed together for the sake of the childrn", while the whole time they fought and hated each other. As a young teen, I became friends with a group of kids who all hung out at one house, and we all called the parents Ma and Dad. These people really did act like surrogate parents, they scolded us, lectured us, loved on us, gave us advice, etc...Their presence in my life became invaluable, and I credit them with the fact that I myself was not totally screwed up by my own family's dysfunction. I saw a loving couple who parented as a team. As I said, nobody can tell you what's right for your family, but if you can bring yourself to accept the fact that your stepdaughter's sister NEEDS you and your husband in her life, you have no idea what a blessing you will ultimately by to this little girl. She's going to figure things out eventually, but it won't matter in the end, all that will matter is that she was loved and cared for and saw you and your husband model a healthy relationship to her and your other children. You have the opportunity to make a huge difference in the life of this child, and instead of seeing it as a burden I encourage you to see it as an opportunity. God bless you and your husband.

Someone does need to explain the situation in a very positive way re: calling your husband daddy. Maybe the x wife & your family can all agree on the best way to go over it with her so you can be consistent & kind about it. Regarding including your stepdaughters older sister in visits and family events: why not? Children need all the love and encouragement freinds and family they can get- if they are blood related or not. In my opinion there is always plenty of love to go around- daugther or not who cares about the "legalities" of who the little girl belongs to- she is still family- even if indirectly. Kindess never hurts.

I've read through almost all of the responses, and they seem to concur that you're doing the right thing to care for this little girl and to include her in your family activities. They say, "It takes a village to raise a child." It's true. Sometimes we, as neighbors, need to step up and fill in where there is a gap in a child's life. Also, as a military person, you know how important it is for us all to stick together and protect eachother. I agree that this little girl needs you. Since neither little girl is yours, it may be a little easier for you. For your husband, it may be harder simply because of the name. Maybe you could help her create a little nickname for your husband...something endearing but not "Daddy." The trick would be keeping his daughter from picking up on it and not calling him Daddy anymore. Regardless, you're doing the right thing. Children need to be protected and loved. Hopefully, your husband (and you) can grow to understand that it's a huge compliment for her to be calling him Daddy. Also, your goodness will return to you in the future. God Bless!

I don't see a problem with the child calling your husband "daddy". you should be proud to know that she shows that much love for him. Can you imagine being a child without a father? I have raised my five and seven other children that was not mine and they all called me mommie.If I loved them all as they were mine...regardless of who there real parents are....I think your step daughter would be hurt if you did not acknowledge her sister and it would be devastating to the other child as well...this is just my opinion and others may look at it differently than I do.
Maybe as the other girl gets older she may understand...thanks for listening...

You and your husband need to decide what type of relationship you want with this child and if it is not equal to your relationship with your bio-child, them force a conversation between child, mom, you and DH. It doesn't need to be elaborate, but at 7, she needs to understand enough to know that she is simply not be rejected.

With that said, if you all have to time, energy and love in your heart, there is a little child who it looks like could desparately use a family. Regardless of your decision, this child is your daughter's sister, so you need to remember that your decisions affect her, too.

My husband and I have both lost parents (his mom/my dad). His dad re-married and stepmom is 'Grandma'. It is the same on my side of the family with my granmother's 2nd husband. I am so grateful that these individuals have 'adopted' my son like one of their own...they didn't have to. It is not my son's fault that he came into this world with loved ones 'missing'. When we talk about Grandma and great-grandpa, we don't make a distinction about them not being biological. It has enriched our lives, not complicated it.

Best of luck to you!!

I've not been in this situation but it sounds like the 7 year old girl could really use you husband and family in her life. If you love her, then it would be great to include her with your stepdaughter to give her the love and father figure she is lacking in her life. She doesn't have to call your husband daddy, maybe Uncle, and should understand that difference, but feeling loved and included is a great gift to a child in need. Frankly having a 7 year old around to help entertain and watch the younger children might be helpful.

God put people in our life for a reason even if it is a child she also need a father love until she is older enought to understand about her father. when you are rejected by a father you look for love in all the wrong places.why not be the inspiration that she needs. The lord will bless you for being there for her. i had a father who i did not live with and i am 52 yrs. old my father is deceased and i still have a void in my life that and when i see other people with their father i see all things that i miss out on and it still hurt. And i an jealous of that.