Pressure to Respond to baby...what to Do

I just weaned my son at 19 months. At about 14 months I felt like you, like I would never get to sleep. He was still waking up 1 to 2 times thru the night. I was so tired I just got him and brought him to bed so that I can sleep. Now he still wakes up once, but I can still coax him back to sleep. I have a feeling the overnight without waking up is coming soon. He seems to be getting it. :)

I'm not really answering your question, BUT, if your husband is the one dead set against CIO, why are you the one getting up in the middle of the night? Tell him that you're exhausted, and you intend to sleep through the night for a full week. That's 7 days. You warn your daughter before bed that if she wakes up at night, daddy's coming in, and she can have a bottle or sippy cup, but she can't nurse. Then do it! Put in ear plugs. Take some benadryl. Sleep on the couch, something. I'm willing to bet that after 7 days either your daughter will realize she's not getting nursed in the middle of the night and will be sleeping better, or your husband will be more committed to finding a solution to the sleep issue.

And I don't want to even hear "but he has to go to work the next day." So do you; taking care of your daughter. Good luck.

Please remember... your child is not a mini adult, nor even a grade schooler. She is calling for you or to nurse because she needs comfort, and many breastfed children will desire both comfort AND food. Children are not meant to be isolated from their Mothers so early in their lives... which is why most cultures and countries co-sleep or bed share for a few years.

How can caring and comforting your child be spoiling her? Your friends may be selfish and non-committed - but it seems you aren't. Don't allow them to dictate how you love and comfort your child. Being a permissive parent is not similar to showing love and comfort, and it is not spoiling her either. This time is very precious and will once it's over and she demands her own privacy and independence... you will never get this time back.

Dear Mom,

I am way beyond the days you are facing now. My experience: the first one I did the training to stay in her crib, going in every 2 mins up til it was 15 mins. It wore us both out! (and my support friend on the phone w/ me!) Eventually she "got it". But at what price? I hated it, she hated it.

The next one I did this with stood and screamed! the whole time regardless of my soothing time. She wanted OUT and to be held. Nothing short was gonna be okay w/ her. I stood my ground and played by the book....she herniated her belly button from the intense screaming. Oh, eventually she learned....but at what price?

All this to say....ask yourself some hard questions. What, Who, How do you want your child to be? Who is she already? Yes, each experience is built on...what are you building? You are not, nor will you ever, build the perfect, text book child. Help her to be who and how God has created her to be...not what you or someone else thinks. Trust yourself and accept your mistakes. You'll make 'em. But learn and say you're sorry.

Your kids will not go to school in diapers. Will not go w/ a pacifier. Will not sleep w/ you forever. They will learn. Enjoy the stage you are in. The next one will be just as difficult but maybe in a different way. The "good" and the "bad" shall pass all too quickly. Bottom line....do what your heart is telling you to do. xo

I totally agree with Jane on this one. Your husband doesn't want her to cry it out? Awesome, he gets to get up when she wakes in the middle of the night. Just reread hers and pretend I posted it. ;)

Kids wake up in the night for all kinds of reasons. You are not even into the monster in the closet or under the bed stage yet. At 2 and 3 yrs old, my son would sometimes come to our room and tuck himself in at the foot of our bed without waking us up. Sometimes they are just lonely. Sometimes they are worried about school or friends or they don't feel well or they had a bad dream. They do eventually sleep through the night on a regular basis when it's right for them (and not when it's convenient for us).

There are several phases of a baby's development where sleep is less reliable, having to do with great forward leaps in physical or mental development. And of course teething, major changes the family or the child's schedule, or illness will have negative effects.

As far as whether comforting a child that needs comfort will undo sleep training, there is a great deal of variation. I've known a few parents who claimed it ruined their sleep for months to come to soothe a child who was sick or teething, or giving an extra night feeding or two during a growth spurt. I've known other parents who find that the extra soothing when needed helped the child through a difficult period, and then nighttime sleeping resumed as if nothing ever disturbed the pattern.

My own experience was that my little girl really needed her mom or extra nursing when she cried for it. When all her needs were met and things got back to normal, she slept as well as ever. No new habits were established. Since your little girl is capable of self-soothing, I would think she calls you when she really needs you. And probably won't when she doesn't.

Personally, I have always had nights that I simply can't sleep, from childhood into my senior years. Habits seem to have nothing to do with it. Some babies are born with that, it seems.

I think you and your husband are both right. It is true that sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone. If you want to nurse her, I wouldn't worry about "bad habits." She is little. My kids all stopped nursing during the night, I honestly couldn't tell you when, but I think it was sometime between 1-2. If you are feeling resentful though, that isn't good either, and I think it is fine for your husband to help you out during the night by going in and comforting her in other ways. I think it is the nighttime comforting and staying away from letting her cry it out that is important, not the nursing per se.

She is probably going through a growth spurt or, even more difficult for a pre-verbal baby, an emotional capability spurt and brain growth period. It's very normal for this age. She WILL outgrow it eventually. In the meantime, she is asking very specifically to nurse. She has feelings just like you and she will be hurt and scared if you simply stop responding to her need. And no, it won't last forever--the middle of the night nursing, I mean.

In the meantime, so you can get some sleep, have you thought about co-sleeping? Family bed is so comforting for toddlers, they snuggle right up and soothe right down, and if there is a need to nurse, you can very quickly learn to pop it in her mouth without even waking up all the way. THAT won't last forever either--I promise you, my 17 year old does NOT still sleep in our bed!

IMHO, you are right to respond to her. I was JUST like you! My child at that age was still waking at night. I also tried a few times to "sleep train" but it didn't work and it didn't feel right in my gut to ignore my child. So I decided that I was going to go with my gut (no matter what ANYONE said) and keep responding to my child no matter how many times she needed me in the night. Then, at 18 months old, she started sleeping through the night, every single night! I don't know what changed at 18 months, but something did. She has been a great sleeper ever since.

I say keep responding to her. I think we are mothers 24/7, and it is our job to give our kids what they need day or night. Even if she just needs comfort at night, that is our job as mothers to provide that. Don't listen to people who say she will still be waking at night when she is 3 years old. People told me that same garbage, and its not true! My daughter consistently woke up at night until 18 months, and then it stopped and she slept straight through. We also co-slept, and everyone told me that she was going to be 3 years old and still sleeping in our bed. Also not true! She sleeps great in her OWN bed now, and she sleeps all night, every night! I am so glad that I followed my heart, and didn't take others advice and force my child to sleep train. She did it on her own, in her own time.

You do what feels right to you. Don't let other people scare you into thinking that just because your child acts this way at 14 months old, that she will still be acting that way when she is older. I am proof that is NOT true.

Every mom has a different opinion on this topic. I am not saying that CIO is a bad choice, it just was a bad choice for me. There is no one right way to handle sleep issues. Every child and every mom is different and has different needs. I say just follow your gut. If it feels wrong to CIO, then maybe it is the wrong decision for YOU. Good luck.

Kids wake up at night, that's a fact, get used to it. You are well bonded with your baby. This is wonderful and healthy for both of you. I never listened very much to the cry it out camp. If your baby is crying it out, they're just learning that they can't rely on you to take care of them at that time. At least go and comfort her and offer a sip of water. She is still a baby. And yes, hubby can help too. And he should.

Many people will try to tell you what to do and that won't stop with this; it will continue with every parenting issue you face. I learned that I needed to do what worked best for my baby and our family. We have a daughter who had a hard time sleeping when she was young. I think I read every book and tried every piece of advice I was given. Nothing worked, including the "crying it out". We actually did try that but each night it took her between 2-3 hours to go to sleep while crying almost that entire time. Therefore, the entire house was up. After several nights in a row of that, it is hard to function at work in the morning. So, against everyone's advice (except the pediatrician, who agreed with me), I started feeding her when she was hungry at night. She, and the rest of us, were typically back to sleep in 10 minutes. And, contrary to what everyone told me, she did not need to get up and eat at night as a toddler. She may just be going through a growth spurt. I would suggest doing whatever works for your household to function & don't worry about what others think - they are not living your life. Good Luck!

I am firmly anti cry-it-out. I went 18 months with no straight sleep. Yes, it was our own doing but I wouldn't change anything. My daughter is now 22 mo. old & falls asleep on her own & sleeps straight through the night. I never thought I'd say that! From reading your post, what jumps out at me is that your daughter nurses as part of her bedtime routine. So, she is assocating nursing w/ falling asleep. You should wean her from the nighttime nurse...maybe nurse her before/after dinner instead, or before you do jammies. Separate it from the actual bedtime routine. It's great that she can fall asleep in her crib on her own, so you're more than 1/2 way there. Don't risk ruining that by letting her CIO...b/c I really think if you let her CIO she may no longer fall asleep on her own. In conjunction w/ nursing before bedtime routine starts, no longer nurse her in the middle of the night. If she cries for more than a couple minutes (I literally mean 2-5, whatever you are comfortable with), then go to her. Lie her back down, maybe rub her a little, tell her no more nursing at night. Try to leave. If she still cries, maybe stand by her crib until she's asleep. Maybe it'll only take a couple nights of this to have her understand Mommy will come if she needs her, but there is no more nighttime nursing. The nighttime nursing needs to stop, but that doesn't mean you have to let her CIO. I sat in a chair in my daughter's room until she fell asleep...I did this until about 20 months old! Through a little bribery & understanding (we discussed this & she understood...& wanted the prize we said we'd give her if she fell asleep on her own!) she started falling asleep on her own. She may cry 10 min. after I leave the room & ask for water. I tend to her, give her the water, and leave within 60 seconds. Then she's fine & falls asleep on her own & stays asleep. This is an example of how being attentive shows the baby you will come when she needs it, and gives her the confidence to sleep all night in her crib alone. If I let her CIO after putting her in her crib, she would get so hot & bothered & so upset that she would be inconsolable & I'm sure would not have good feelings about sleeping or about trusting me.

OOH, it'd also help to have a sound machine in your bedroom so you only hear her if she's really needs you, the more she needs you the louder she'll be. Sometimes now my daugher will cry for 10 sec. as she is repositioning herself in her crib. She doesn't need me, doesn't even realize she's crying for 10sec., so I don't want to hear it at night. If she was loud, had a bad dream or cried for more than a minute, I would definitely hear it, even with the sound machine...mommy radar is never really off, but we don't need to hear the little whimpers that may wake us either.

I weaned my son from nighttime nursings at 15 months old, this is also when I weaned him completely. The nighttime ones were the last ones to go, and also the one right before bed. After I stopped nursing him, he actually started sleeping a little better. I think this time period is hard because they are going through so much. Gaining independence with walking, talking, and learning to do so much else. Also, I believe my sons ongoing teething always kept him from having a good night's sleep, even if it didn't bother him during the day.

Now he is almost two (next month), in a toddler bed, has most of his teeth (only the two year molars are left to come through), and he sleeps through most nights (about 10 hours). This is a miracle because he was the worst sleeper up until about 18 months old.

I say, continue to go to her at night. Nurse her only once if that's what you want and if she still seems hungry, offer her a snack. That's how I started to eliminate my son from night nursing. Then when you decide to wean her, and she wakes up hungry you can give her a snack in place and she's already used to it. Hopefully, she'll stop waking up less and less. She probably just needs your comfort sometimes. Hang in there and the sleep will come soon!!

Good luck :)

I see nothing wrong with responding to your baby. She's still a BABY. 14 months is a blip in the long scheme of things. I feel like people are in too much of a rush for babies to grow up and outgrow things (like nightfeeding). Is it nutritionally necessary? Probably not. But it can still be a need - an emotional one, a comfort one. She WILL stop, eventually, I promise.

I understand what you're going through. My daughter did sleep through the night, but we had a similar struggle about her falling asleep at night.

First of all, at 14 months, babies no longer NEED to eat at night. They want to, and may be in the habit of doing so, however.

I used to think the same thing...if someone could assure me that it would definitely work, I could listen to the crying much more easily! From my experience, it DOES work, and I've heard this from many others and you say you have too. I think there is your reassurance.

It is agonizing to hear your baby crying for you and to not respond...but even if you do it, and it works, it will not be the last time. Your daughter will cry many, many times over things YOU do. She won't like your decisions most of the time...but that's why she needs you, because she doesn't know what's best! So many moms don't want their babies to 'suffer' and cry it out, but they are depriving their children' and themselves of good, needed sleep. So many feel selfish, like they're doing it for themselves, but babies also need and benefit from uninterrupted sleep.

Also, I do believe that children learn and pick up lifelong habits at these early ages, and that they only get harder to break. Try doing this two years from now...your daughter will have an even harder time understanding why you won't come you as you always have.

I say take advantage of the time when your husband is away...

Girl, i know exactly how you feel. I went through this with my son when he was 13 months old. except he wouldnt sleep longer then 4 hours. So he would wake up 2-3 times a night every night. The ONLY thing that would get him back to sleep was nursing. I had a 4 year old on top of it too! i was beyond exhaustion. i also didnt feel like i was being a very good mommy either because i was tired and grumpy. i decided to wean him. i started by going in when he would cry, getting him out, and walking him around the house so he wasnt in nursing position. he got used to that, then i moved to just walking around his room, then just going in and giving him a hug. After all that, he finally started sleeping the night through.

It was a process, but it was worth it. Good luck in whatever works for you mama!

I can understand that you don't want to let her cry , and yes someone needs to go in and comfort her , but she associates you with breast feeding and during the night that is all she sees. If your husband is so against letting her cry then he should be the one to go in and comfort her and try to get her her back to sleep , not leave you to do it all and be sleep deprived and then comment about what he will and will not allow. You have been up with her in the night for the last 14 months , and no you are not wrong to expect her to be able to sleep all night now without being fed , she eats food during the day and shouldn't be hungry in the night , she is using it as a comfort more than anything. I understand that all kids (even adults) wake sometimes in the night , but it shouldn't be a normal nightly routine where they scream and want you every night.

So tell husband that you are exhausted , you cannot take any more nights of interupted sleep and that he needs to take over that part , yes it will take a few days to break the habit and yes husband will be tired at work , you have learnt to function like that so I think he can manage a week.

Good luck

Some children are more orally needy than others, and some are poorer sleepers than others.

I have two children that I have breastfed past the "norm" in America.

My first child was BF until she self-weaned at 3.5, but she was able to go back to sleep with a pacifier replaced in the night from about 14 months. My second daughter never took a pacifier and started sleeping through the night at about 2 yrs, 3 months. She does still wake occasionally and I still do nurse her (she will be 3 yrs in Nov) but most times now I can comfort her in the night by patting her back.

My situation is different though in that I coslept with both of mine, which is MUCH easier, in my opinion, for night-nursing.

If your child is truly ready to night wean, it should involve your husband to comfort her during the night, and not you. If you are trying to comfort without nursing, it is most likely going to be more drawn-out and traumatic.

I don't think there should be any guilt associated with still comforting a child at 14 months, or even 3 years, during the night, and even nursing that child back to sleep. Trust your instincts about what the child needs and go with that. In a few months, there will be other issues and this one will be forgotten :) Childhood "stages" are fleeting, even though they can certainly be all-consuming and exhausting in the moment. Remember the newborn days?

M.

PS- The answer in short is, yes, she will outgrow it. The person who said it is a bad habit to break is not exactly correct. Children never nurse forever, and my kids are proof of that, as are many others around the globe who have been let wean themselves.

First of all, who pays your bills? If all the well meaning friends pay your bills, take care of you, help you when you are sleep deprived and respond to your child's cries then they can come in and give their opinions. Otherwise, cross them off the list as far as trying to get them understand what you are going through. Yes, I am going to skip all the other stuff and answer your question. I responded to two 14 month old children for a variety of reasons, who slept on their own many years following and still woke up once in awhile and come to think of it, kept me up again in their teen years (agggh) and now one is about to get married and the other still wakes me up in the middle of the night because he stays out late. You need the sleep, get it how you can and try to not worry about what these other people say unless they pool some money together to get you a nurse that runs in the middle of the night and takes care of your baby.

Of course your husband does not want her to cry it out - he's not the one losing sleep when you are up with her at night.

Hi,

I haven't read all the answers, so not sure if I'm repeating other comments.

I don't think a 14 month old needs to eat. Yes, sometimes even adults get hungry in the middle of the night, but we don't necessarily need to eat. We can fall back asleep again and it's not going to affect us adversely. However, I do think that always giving into that, and breaking our sleep cycle could create a habit, and adversely affect our ability to sleep well. I honestly get a little tired of the AP parents who say things like 'I parent my child at night too.' Guess what, teaching your child to be able to sleep well and deeply and get adequate REM and all the rest of it, IS parenting. There's a tremendous amount of brain development that goes on during sleep, and if your child has a night waking habit (which according to sleep expert and ped, Dr. Marc Weissbluth, in his book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", they don't just grow out of - the opposite, actually, can happen, like insomnia problems as adults).
We never really let our son CIO, not because I"m philosophically opposed to it, but it is hard to hear your child cry, and our son would throw up very quickly if he worked himself up (like after 10 minutes even!), so we used a far gentler approach. If you message me your email address privately, I can send you an e-book we followed which was helpful. But my husband was integral in this approach, and still is, because we get bumps on the road (travel, sickness, etc) where I will 'give in' and nurse our son in hte middle of the night, and then he wants it later too. Trouble is hte waking will occur usually around 4am or so - not before 1:30am where it is convenient for your husband. If he's willing to go in before 1:30am but not afterwards there isn't really much truth in him saying it's because she needs to nurse - it's just that it's not convenient for him then.. perhaps? :) Maybe he should take a hard look at what he's willing to do and why. It's his job to parent your child too, which as I said before, includes teaching your child to sleep well.
My son is funny - if I go in he will nurse like crazy. If my husband goes in he'll take a couple of sips from a bottle, but then almost try and launch himself back in the crib. He's NOT hungry. He wants milkies :). The next night, he sleeps right through if he had dad the night before - because he knows. And he is wonderfully happy, affectionate, and all the rest of that good stuff during the day. (Oh, also wanted to say our kids are similar in that our son also is GREAT at self-soothing at naps and bedtime - it's the middle of hte night wakings that needed some weaning/training.) But your husband is key - because he doesn't smell like milk.

If you don't have the Weissbluth book get it and put a post-it for your husband where it speaks about the problems down the road with teenagers and adults who never learnt to sleep properly.

Good luck!

N.

Updated

Hi,

I haven't read all the answers, so not sure if I'm repeating other comments.

I don't think a 14 month old needs to eat. Yes, sometimes even adults get hungry in the middle of the night, but we don't necessarily need to eat. We can fall back asleep again and it's not going to affect us adversely. However, I do think that always giving into that, and breaking our sleep cycle could create a habit, and adversely affect our ability to sleep well. I honestly get a little tired of the AP parents who say things like 'I parent my child at night too.' Guess what, teaching your child to be able to sleep well and deeply and get adequate REM and all the rest of it, IS parenting. There's a tremendous amount of brain development that goes on during sleep, and if your child has a night waking habit (which according to sleep expert and ped, Dr. Marc Weissbluth, in his book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", they don't just grow out of - the opposite, actually, can happen, like insomnia problems as adults).
We never really let our son CIO, not because I"m philosophically opposed to it, but it is hard to hear your child cry, and our son would throw up very quickly if he worked himself up (like after 10 minutes even!), so we used a far gentler approach. If you message me your email address privately, I can send you an e-book we followed which was helpful. But my husband was integral in this approach, and still is, because we get bumps on the road (travel, sickness, etc) where I will 'give in' and nurse our son in hte middle of the night, and then he wants it later too. Trouble is hte waking will occur usually around 4am or so - not before 1:30am where it is convenient for your husband. If he's willing to go in before 1:30am but not afterwards there isn't really much truth in him saying it's because she needs to nurse - it's just that it's not convenient for him then.. perhaps? :) Maybe he should take a hard look at what he's willing to do and why. It's his job to parent your child too, which as I said before, includes teaching your child to sleep well.
My son is funny - if I go in he will nurse like crazy. If my husband goes in he'll take a couple of sips from a bottle, but then almost try and launch himself back in the crib. He's NOT hungry. He wants milkies :). The next night, he sleeps right through if he had dad the night before - because he knows. And he is wonderfully happy, affectionate, and all the rest of that good stuff during the day. (Oh, also wanted to say our kids are similar in that our son also is GREAT at self-soothing at naps and bedtime - it's the middle of hte night wakings that needed some weaning/training.) But your husband is key - because he doesn't smell like milk.

If you don't have the Weissbluth book get it and put a post-it for your husband where it speaks about the problems down the road with teenagers and adults who never learnt to sleep properly.

Good luck!

N.

My 15 month old wakes at night several times. I nurse her when she wants to. She's teething (we're working on tooth #15 breaking through right now). I also noticed a couple nights ago that she's starting to notice the dark. When all the lights were turned off and she was sitting in my lap in the rocking chair getting ready to nurse for bed it really seemed to concern her, scare her. It wasn't even that dark in the room. When she's waking she shows obvious signs of not being comfortable. Going and getting her and sitting with her, reasuring her is the right thing to do. I don't get up with every peep, I mean she makes noises in her sleep when she's rolling over and stuff. But if it lasts for more than a couple minutes or gets louder or she stands up I go get her. She doesn't even want to nurse everytime she wakes up, even though I offer.
I have 2 other children, 9&6 that I did the same thing with. They both easily sleep 10-12 hours a night in their own beds in their own rooms. Unless they have a need, and yes, then they come and get me or call out.
There is no spoiling. All they've been taught is that they can rely on me (or their dad) to take care of them when they need to and that they are safe to sleep and so they do.

Go ahead and follow your heart mama. Respond to her. Let her nurse. Like you said, she's still a baby and remember that she won't be little for much longer. Take any chance to bond that you can get; take any chance to let her know that you will always be there for her that you can get. She'll outgrow it soon enough. No kid ever went off to college still nursing in the middle of the night. I know that's not much comfort, but for now, if you have the chance (like being a SAHM without other children) nap with her during the day to make up for your interrupted sleep.

Unfortunately when it comes to sleeping habits, 14 months isn't "young" anymore. The earlier you establish a good sleep routine with babies, the better. I consider myself somewhat of a pushover parent....with everything BUT sleep!! I'm a sleep nazi mom!! Both my babies were sleeping through the night by 4 months because I gave them no other choice....letting them CIO is hard, but after a few days you will see results. At 14 months, she is VERY aware of what she's doing...she knows very well that crying gets her what she wants. She doesn't NEED to nurse at night anymore...she WANTS to. The older she gets, the harder it's going to be to break the habit. Good luck!!

She won't out grow it. It is a habit, you have to break it.

I know you have gotten a lot of responses, and I'm guessing you will get many more, but here is my 2 cents.
My husband and I started letting our son cry it out at 5 1/2 months. Up until then he slept in our bed, since I was nursing and it was so much easier. We had a good experience with the cry it out method, which we did on the advice of our terrific pediatrician, but it is really hard to get through the first few nights. I went to stay at my mom's for the first two nights because I couldn't listen the the crying without going to my son. After about 4 days, he was putting himself to sleep with very little fuss, so that method worked for us and I'm very glad we did it. I really struggled with the decision though. I'm a first time mom and a lot of people told me that my son would not feel loved or would have some long-lasting psychological issues if we let him cry it out. I worried about that. But the bottom line is that sleep is so important for you and your baby and you have to help her establish good sleep-habits early on. I don't believe kids come into this world knowing how to get the sleep they need anymore than they know how to do anything else. They need help and guidance from their parents to learn this skill. Everyone is happier and healthier when they are getting enough sleep and we have showed our son that he has the ability to soothe himself when he needs to. If he wakes up in the night and doesn't need anything, he sings to himself or chatters for a bit, then goes back to sleep. Now, when he cries for us, we go to him, but he only does it when he really needs something. And for the record, he is a sweet, loving, happy, well-adjusted little guy, who knows how much his parents love him!

But before you try that, you will need to eliminate your middle-of-the-night feedings. Here's what we did with our son. At the time he was waking two to three times per night to nurse. I started reducing the amount of time he nursed every night ( you could do every other night if you would prefer, it will just take a bit longer) So if you have been nursing him for 6 minutes every 4 hours, only offer 5 1/2 minutes of nursing tonight. When there are multiple feedings per night, you also increase by 15 minutes per night, the amount of time between feedings. So you would do 5 minutes of nursing every 4.25 hours tomorrow, 4 1/2 minutes every 4 1/2 hours the next night, and so on. We found this method in Dr. Richard Ferber's book (which made a lot of sense to me, you may want to try reading it to see what you think), and it worked really well for us. According to the book, most kids stop waking to eat before you can reduce them down to nothing, my son stopped waking to feed after 4 or 5 nights. I thought a gradual approach was better than just trying to quit cold turkey, which seemed pretty awful to me. Unless your daughter is under nourished during the day, is underweight, or has some other medical complication, I don"t think there is any reason she would need to nurse in the middle of the night, so don't feel bad about eliminating it. I believe that she is waking to eat out of habit.
Also, make sure when you go in to feed her, you keep it as utilitarian as possible, no lights, no conversation, just nurse and back to bed. You want to show her that nighttime is for sleeping.
I would highly recommend reading Dr. Ferber's book if you plan to go the CIO route, or perhaps Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weisbuth. I think that if you are going to sleep train your child you should be well-informed about what you are doing and why. It will make it easier for you to stick to the program
No one else can make this decision for you, you have to figure out what is best for your family. I just wanted to share my experience in case it would be of some help to you.
I know how hard it can be to be tired all the time.
Good luck to you!

You have gotten a lot of answers and I am sure many are really good. Keep in mind that in the future she will probably be waking for other things besides nursing, nightmares, teething etc.

I nursed my daughter whenever she wanted, my son also. This is what worked for us. Eventually she weened herself at around 14 months :(. I loved the middle of the night snuggles (most of the time). My friends kept telling me the same thing you are hearing, let them cry, don't spoil them etc. To me it is not spoiling, it is reassuring them. We also had her in our room until she was a year old and our son until he was 9 months which was something that people also warned us about.

Each child is different, try the sleep training if you want and see what happens. And no, I don't think it is deceiving if you do it while your hubby is not home but be prepared that if it works for a while and she has an incident later on and how you are going to handle it with your hubby.

What I did for my son who wanted to nurse in the night too, I got up and rocked him, but would not nurse him.. It was a very hard week, but after that he did not get up anymore. I do realize that this could have made another habit for him, but lucky for me, it didn't!!! Good luck!

I don't like letting them cry it out. You aren't wrong to pick her up to nurse her if she is hungry. You just have to interact minimally so she doesn't do it just for socialization or play time. Change her if necessary, feed her and lay her back down. Then if she is crying it is for attention only and you should give her time to sooth herself.

I know you've gotten a lot of answers but I can relate to what you're going through. My son is 14 mos. and I nurse him as well. He has JUST started sleeping the full 12 hours throughout the night but was definitely getting up once for a few months now. The good thing was that he was going a long time before he did get up - in other words, we would put him to sleep at 7pm and he would wake up to nurse at 4am and then wake up for good at 7am. Bear in mind, that this age there's a lot of teething going on (those molars are painful!) so there were times he would get up once or twice. But once the big teething phase ended, he was back to either getting up once or not at all. I will say that whenever I've put him down at 7pm and if he were to wake up before midnight, I've let him try to soothe himself. He NEVER cried for more than 5-10mins. and most likely I would have nursed him if he didn't settle down after 10-15 mins. I do believe in the "Healthy Sleep Happy Child" book that kids need their sleep (as do adults) but I also think one thing is babies physically being able to sleep through the night vs. the emotional/developmental milestone. I think as long as you and your hubby can get on the same page, you'll have greater peace of mind :) Good luck!

I recommend reading the "No Cry Sleep Solution" books. Pick her up, hug her, love her, but don't nurse. Keep lights off, or use ONLY a nightlight. Say "shhhh" in her ear, softly sing or hum a lullaby, then put her back in bed and pat or rub her until she falls back to sleep (or at least until she settles back down). Do this for a few days and you will be (or should be) able to sleep through the night in no time!!

RE: another poster: Seriously? Drugging a baby to get some sleep? Preposterous!

Everyone has an opinion on sleep, and here's mine, for what it's worth.

She's not hungry, she just wants to nurse. If you got up at 2 am and ate a tuna fish sandwich every night for a week, the 8th night you'd wake up at 2 am hungry for a tuna fish sandwich. It's just habit, not a physiological need. Seriously-- try changing something major about your sleep-- sleep on the floor, or get rid of your pillow-- and see how much it disrupts you for a day or two and then how quickly you get used to it. Same with her.

My son will be 3 in October and I finally, after 3 years of not sleeping through the night (not because of feedings-- we gave that up at about a year) told him that he needed to sleep through the night and when I said "good night" I would see him in the morning, but that I wasn't coming back until then. The first night was awful-- he woke up at about 3am and screamed-- SCREAMED-- until 6:30, feel asleep for 20 minutes, and woke back up screaming. The next night he screamed for 30 minutes, and then that was it. He sleeps through the night now with no issue, and if he does wake up I'll hear him cry or fuss for about 2 minutes and he's right back to sleep. In the morning he says, "I had a good nap, Mama!" and is so proud of himself.

I tell you all of this because I waited 3 years to do this. I wish I had done it earlier. We are strong followers of Ferber (read "Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems" if you haven't), and my son went to bed at night like a dream from 4 months on. He just didn't stay asleep (none of us do all night, we wake several times) and I had conditioned him to call for me and have me come put his paci back in, or rub his back, or whatever before he fell back asleep. He wasn't getting good sleep, and neither was I. The other thing was that he was losing his paci (I have very mixed feelings on the paci) and then calling me to come pick it back up for him. He now goes to bed each night with a basket with 10 pacis in it, and he's learned how to get himself a new one if he needs to.

I think you DO have to be on the same page as your husband on this one, but if that involves you saying, "I can't take this any more. If you aren't willing to get educated about sleep training and implement a sleep training program, then I will leave you to deal with her at night, and I will be sleeping in the basement (or guest room or wherever)" then so be it. Do not spend the next 2 years of your life being exhausted-- it isn't worth it, and it isn't teaching her good sleep habits.

Good luck! It's a toughy.

I really appreciate all of what Jane had to offer, and agree with Tracy on separating the nursing from the nighttime routine. I know this is a hard decision, and am not going to tell you what to do, exactly, but want to offer a few insights.

First, you sound like YOU are ready to have a break from the multiple night wakings. You've received a lot of different advice here, in regard to CIO, but what I'm going to say is this: ultimately, none of us are doing these night wakings but you.

Your daughter likely has some understanding of object permanence. That is, when you leave the room, she knows you still exist. This is very different from the newborn or younger baby, who has no experience of this. The crying and upset aren't about the fear of your having disappeared at this age, it's likely upset that the routine has changed. Kids like predictability, and we can help them establish new routines which become familiar over time. One way of dealing with this is changing the routine and having your husband come in, as Jane suggested. The other is to feed her well and to change the routine by coming in later at night and giving her a bottle, then getting her back to sleep.

Some children still need food at night at this age; while I coslept with our son until he was over 2 and a half (which made night nursing ultra-convenient), I also nannied for several families whose children still needed a bottle at night until they were around 2 or so. So, narrowing down the feedings to just one bigger bottle might also work. And that is if you are willing to get up once; if not, sleep training is an option, and plan on getting up early in the morning to feed a hungry baby.

This is a controversial topic, but let me say first that while Ferber never intended for sleep training (CIO) to be the standard-- in fact, he was horrified at the development-- he also provided this book for families who were exhausted and had tried other options. I think it's important to understand that parents lives must not be completely secondary to their child's...there has to be some healthy balance here, or other dysfunctions develop. Sleep training a younger child isn't the same as sleep training a newborn. The former is asking that the child come into balance with the need of the parent; the latter is a parent deciding that their child must sleep when it's convenient for the parent, and is inappropriate to the level of need the newborn baby has.

So, as I said, I won't tell you what to do. I do know, as a nanny, how difficult it was for me to do CIO with very young children, some as young as 2 months old. I think, if I were in your situation, I might feel differently.I opted for cosleeping primarily because I *hate* waking up at night, and this facilitated nursing. However, I also knew that when I was done, I was really Done!

I hope you and your husband are able to pick a plan to try together. Give it a couple of weeks...change isn't easy. You might find that she does need the nighttime bottle and sucks it down, or she might not. Babies force us to be detectives, hunting down clues for what works and what doesn't. You will all figure it out in time.

What a hard dilemma. You obviously care very much for your daughter....my very best to you.

H.

If she is waking up once a night she is probably hungry or thirsty. If she is waking up more than once it could be a growth spurt, something scared her, or teething/earache.

If it hasn't been long since she ate, I would try rocking her, or giving a sippy cup of water. She may just need the sucking to soothe herself back to sleep. If its been a few hours and she's probably hungry, I would feed her and put her right back down.

Another thing I always suggest is to start feeding her breastmilk from a cup instead of from you. Then hubby can learn how to warm it at night and do some of the night feedings himself.

M.

Your baby needs you. Please don't let her cry it out. IMaybe when you are on vacation you could pump and place the milk in a bottle. Then your husband could get up for a few nights and let you sleep. You and your husband are everything to your baby. When you let then Cry it out it causes insecurity issuses later on.

Respond to your baby but retrain her as to your new method of what gets her back to bed until she is used to the new normal. It could be pat on back, rock in chair, sip of water, etc. She is waking out of the old nursing habit and needs a new routine. I believe in time, she will get used to that one and readjust. Good luck

I weaned my then 9 mo from his night time bottle. He was waking once, sometimes twice and would only go back to sleep after giving him a bottle. I always thought if he ate it then he must have been hungry. But recently I realized he is waking at certain times out of habit, and didn't know how to put himself back to sleep without me.

I tried the Ferber sleep training method. I failed miserably the first time, after listening to him cry for half an hour (I was going in every 5 minutes though to comfort him) and finally caved and gave him a bottle. He went right to sleep after. A couple nights later I was determined to do it until he fell asleep. He cried for an hour with me going in every 5 minutes, then every 10 minutes. I felt so torn the entire time, but guess what? The very next night he slept ALL night without waking up. The third night he woke up but only cried for twenty minutes. After that, he was sleeping through the night, no bottles!! I now have a 10 month old baby that sleeps through the night MOST of the time.

It sounds from your post that you really want to sleep train your daughter, and wean her from the night feedings. Have confidence in yourself and give it a try! You can't care about what everyone else thinks about this, you know in your heart that she is old enough to not need to eat at night. Hunger is not just a physical response to needing calories, it is also psychological.

Remember you are weaning your daughter from the feeding, not your love and comfort, although with breastfeeding these are closely entwined. With the Ferber method, you can still go in and comfort your daughter, pat her on the back, tuck her in, give her a kiss, all at regular intervals. Just don't feed her. She will learn to go to sleep on her own next time she wakes. Of course she is going to bed no problem because she is nursing right before. I never had a problem putting my son to bed.

If you can't get your husband on board with the idea of sleep training, I say go ahead and try while he is away. There's a good chance you could train her in a few nights. I doubt he's done much research about this issue. Its also not much of an issue for him since its not his boobs. My husband is the same way, caring, loving, but unwilling to bend his preconcpetions.

If you give it to her once during the night, she will not make the connection "oh, I only get it once and I had it already." She will wake up wanting it because she thinks its hers to have. What I did with mine, is I completely weaned her gradually and the ONE at night was the last to go. Maybe thats what you should do. Good luck...

Do you think she's hungry? She may need to be fed later in the evening and more solids.

Could you maybe compromise and pump the milk and offer it to her in a sippy cup? Or go in comfort her and settle her back down with out nursing? She should be sleeping through the night. I wish I had better advice for you, I went back to work when my first baby was a year old, and I know I was nursing him at night, but we were down to only nursing Before bedtime and he would sleep through the night. I also co-slept with him though. I wish you luck, I do not miss the days of feeling sleep deprived all the time!

dont feel bad. she is at the point now where she needs to learn not to eat during the middle of the night. have you tried a paci? they seem to help some. the main thing is to be consistent....go one way or the other. dont waffle as it will confuse her more. patting her on the back is perfect and you can use the shhhhhh...main thing is to not talk to her...do not engage her in conversation and leave the lights off...even if you turn the lights on....dont look her in the eye. it will make her think she is getting out of the crib to nurse. we did that with our daughter and it really helped. stay strong mama!

.

Sorry, but your husband having such "strong" feelings about you nursing on demand during the night, sounds like baloney to me. Its easy for him to feel that way when he has no lactating breasts to offer. . . sounds like he is passing the buck to you. Thats like a guy who doesn't agree with pain medicine during child birth----easy to feel when he doesn't have to deliver the baby. Yes, you should parent as a team, but he needs to be fair to you. I agree with Jane about letting your hubby get up for a week straight and deal with your daughter. (By the way Jane suggested MOM take some benadryl, not the baby--some posters are confused) He only gets up before 1:30? What is that about? Give him the one week baby challenge. I think he will see things in a whole new light. You have asked a number of questions about sleeping and nursing---it really seems like you are ready. Your daughter is without a doubt old enough to go all night without food. You need to make a decision and stick to it and stop letting hubby dictate the rules, but then expect you to enforce them.

There is no reason a 14 month old child needs to eat at night, a 14 week child does not need it any longer. My boys both learned to sleep through the night shortly after 1 month. I would simply wait 5 minutes to go in, and they would naturally go back to sleep on their own before that 5 was up. Your child is older, but you could use a form of the CIO by using the 5 minute rule. Wait 5 minutes and if she is not calm on her own, go in to calm her. If she is old enough to ask to nurse she is old enough to understand if you tell her that she can not nurse when it is sleeping time. Once you have her calm, leave, and if she fusses, wait 5 more minutes and go back in and do it all over. It may take a few nights (very tired nights), but if you hold your ground she should get it quickly and it will be so worth it. I would simply let hubby know that you and he do not agree, and unless he wants to be the one getting up, that this time you are going to have to do what is best for both you and the child.

#1 Like another poster said, if your husband is dead set against CIO then let HIM get up and deal with the baby. She won't get to nurse when he goes in and that may be just the thing she needs to quit waking up. How well has he slept in the last 14 months? Don't you get a turn? (And don't say he needs his sleep because he is working...well guess what, you're working too even if it is in your home with the baby...both of you need your sleep in order to be healthy, functioning adults)

#2 Go back and see how many times/months you've posted similar sleep questions. Wishing this away hasn't worked and isn't working - maybe it's time for a change if you want a change. You have two choices - keep getting up with her or stop getting up with her. It really is that simple.

I too have a horrible time with cry-it-out. I have two sons (16 months and 3), so I have been through this recently with both of them.

First of all, I say kudos to you for teaching self-soothing for bedtime. That is a major hurdle. If she is capable of self-seething to sleep, that is a great accomplishment. And like you said, theoretically she should be able to do this in the middle of the night. What you are dealing with now is "habit" probably more likely than "need". So what to do about it?

Hardest question in the book I think. I shudder at doing CIO, but I do think it works. I've never really seen it through, but I have experimented with it. My 16 month old was a terrible night-time sleeper, and he still occasionally wakes up around 5 am for some milk (I don't nurse any longer). He has been sharing a room with his older brother since he was about 1 year old, so I haven't let him CIO since then. We had some rough nights in the beginning, but he has seemed to outgrow it and more often than not, he is sleeping through the night now.

I don't know....to me CIO is not worth the heartbreak and anxiety (for me!). If you have the courage to do it, I would suggest trying. If not, I think the fact that she gets herself to sleep on her own at bedtime is a good step, and she will eventually start sleeping longer stretches.

I hope that helps - you seem to have gotten a lot of advice and I hope something clicks.

K

Just night wean her while he's out of town. You're right that sleep training is a good idea and to all those people who say "she's just a baby" I say, that's right and it's a parents job to encourage her forward to each new milestone. It's called RAISING a baby.

Parenting is active not passive and you can certainly wait for her to reach each new milestone on her own but that's not my parenting philosophy. I think you are supposed to teach children what to do and sleeping through the night is something a child should be doing a lot earlier than one year. Just go for it while he's gone; he doesn't get it.

My daughter is almost 11 months. My son is 3 and half. Both were sleep trained at 10 months. It took 3 days with my son and two days with my daughter. If she is already in her crib, that is half the battle. My son was not yet in a crib (co-slept). My daughter was already in a crib. It can be done. Just let her cry. If she is screaming then go in and tell her night night and rub her back. Do not nurse. If you must, you can give her a bottle of water or sippy cup to sip or play with until she falls back to sleep. She just wants to use you as her pacifier. She is going to wake up every night for you if you keep giving her your breast or bottle of milk or whatever it is that is offered to her. Give her something else to rely on, a blankie, a stuffed animal, something to hold in her hand, etc. My sister got up every night at 2 am to give her sons a bottle of milk until they were two years old or older. They need to realize that nightime is sleep time and not nursing time. For my daughter she woke up at 11pm and I didn't go in. She cried, babbled herself to sleep, then she woke up again and I didn't go in. Then she woke up at 3:30 and I finally fed her at 4:30. The next morning she didn't wake up until 6:30am. And she has been sleeping through the night every night since. You can do it!! Good luck!!

If you ask you pediatrician I'm sure he/she will say there is no nutritional reason for a 14 month old to nurse in the middle of the night(assuming your child is of normal health) It IS very important to her health and development that she sleeps enough, this is when her brain develops and stores the day's events into long term memory. I think it is more important right now that she develop healthy sleep habits, show your hubby some research to support your idea, if would be so much easier if DADDY could go in and soothe her by rocking her, patting her or whatever works. And YOU need sleep to be a good mother! hope you get some soon!

first of all stop listening to anyone who gives you advice about your child. You do what you think is best for YOUR child! Now I co slept and nursed my daughter ( well i still do) and she always needed to nurse during the evening at that age. Especially when she was teething, Now my daughter sleeps through the night no issues, but at that age she just wasnt ready. She would wake if i went in the room to get something quite easily and now that she sleeps through the night she could sleep through me vacuuming in there! Something changed in her making her ready for that stage. IMO you need to do what YOU think is best for YOUR child. Stop listening to others, they just dont know what is best for you and the little one!