Where to even begin, sorry if this is long winded, but I feel I have no one to talk to. I'm not sure if my husband still actually loves me or not. I feel slightly depressed lately as things just aren't going the way I'd hoped. My husband is in the navy, so we met as married very quick. The last few months I feel like this is not the man I married, not even close. I undersand his job is stressful, but he brings it home. He's so moody and angry all the time. When I ask him what's wrong he really shuts me out, either ignores me or says "nothing" when I clearly know something is wrong. He asks me to initiate sex so he knows I'm still "interested" but when I do, it's always, I'm not in the mood. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in my own house when he's mad, cuz anything I say or do is wrong. I clean constantly, take care of 5 pets and our one year old son all day. Godforbid if I don't feel like cleaning up right away or something. Then it becomes, "I always do everything aroun here and all you do all day is sit around". Half the time I don't even want to wake up in the morning cuz it's the same thing, just a day later. I rarely even do my hair and makeup now, cuz what's the point? He doesn't notice it nor appreciate it so I might as well be comfortable in my sweats and messy hair. I don't know what to do anymore, but I can't keep hoping he'll talk to me, open up about what's upsetting him. I do everything he's asking me to, with no results. I've suggests counseling which he refuses to go to, he won't even speak if I bring it up. I'd like to go on my own, I need to be ok for myself and for my son. Again sorry this is so long but I need some advice on what I can do, I don't want to leave but I don't want to live a miserable life either.
Thank you everyone for you advice, support and amazing words and stories. I cried reading thru most of these, happy I'm not alone and blessed to have found this website where people actually care and put their thoughts and advice in writitng for me. My husband and I had the first of many many talks to come last night. He is incredibly jealous and insecure thinking I'm going to find someone better. He comes from a very sad, lonely, angry childhood which has resulted in an angry adulthood. We agreed I'd go to counseling alone at first, so could see how I like it and what I get from it. I do love him, and seeing him breakdown over the way he's acted and now knowing more of his past helped shed some light on the situation. He has agreed we need a change for ourselves a most importantly our son. While things aren't near where Id hoped for our 2nd year of marriage, I feel this may be the right path to get it there. He knows I'm on the verge of leaving if things cant get back to better and we can't move past this point. He doesn't want to lose me or his son, so I'm hopeful he'll do the work that's required for us to stay and be happy. Thank you for all your advice, you are all truly amazing women and have touched my life forever. Thank you
I am so sorry this is what you are having to deal with..
f he is not willing to do the work to make this marriage work you have a choice. You can stay with him and not complain, or you can get help and get out of this marriage..
I will be sending you good thoughts and strength.
Call military one source 1-800-342-9647
THey have counselors trained in military isues. They can help.
militaryonesource.com
Has he been on an Afghanistan or Iraq deployment? THat changed my husband. We have been working through some of the issues with a book. The 7 Languages of Love. Or something like that. It's been very helpful and eye opening.
If you want the marriage to work be strong enough. Go find things that will meet some of your needs. Get a job, volunteer, babysit, find a Bunco group. Do the housework on your schedule. Tell him you have a life, he is a hubby and needs to pitch in if he intends to remain in this marriage.
Say to him, I have a life, I wish you to be a part of it but I'm sorry that you choose not to. I am going upstairs to have dinner with the Smith;s. You are invited, if you choose to stay home, fend for yourself.
Do not leave anything easy for him, if he chooses to stay home he should have to make his own dinner.
Or go out with girlfriends. Go shopping, not to buy, just to get out.
I believe that in marriage, you both get to decide what a reasonable way to live your daily life is. That is, with respect to eachothers potential. So, if your husband expects the house to be inspection ready at all times, and this is not reasonable to you, then don't do it. I wouldn't live my life trying to meet someone elses expectations, especially if they didn't appreciate it. I know how easy it is to put yourself last when you have a baby, and when you are down. This is a good place to spend some time right away. For yourself, not him. Do go to counseling, forget about marriage counseling for now. Be willing to give him a chance, but don't ever be afraid to walk away. My mother (divorced) once said that a man and a divorce can take many things away from you, but your pride is something only you can give away. As scared or sad as you may be, hold your head up and know that you deserve peace and happiness in your life. And, be willing to make that happen for yourself, without him if need be.
I'm not sure if this would apply to your hubby because he's still in the military....but call your local VA hospital and see if there are any programs available to him. If they can't help directly (due to his still being active duty) I'm sure that they can refer you to someone appropriate. The same would apply for you as well. I worked with Vets for YEARS and some guys handle the stress just fine and some don't.
My hubby is also an overly moody person. I used to spend so much time and energy trying to help him feel better. I would cancel plans with people because he was in a bad mood.....I would try to explain his moodiness to others. Nothing really worked. Finally, I just realized that the only happiness I'm truly responsible for is my own and my childrens. If mine was too grouchy to hang out with friends....I went on my own with the kids. When he got snippy with folks...I no longer explained away his behavior and let him deal with the consequences. He's a grown man and if he's not willing to take some sort of responsiblity for his own happiness........you can't do it for him. Also, some folks just actually enjoy feeling miserable (think Archie Bunker) and aren't happy unless they can spread that misery around to others. You sound like you've done and are doing what you can....the rest is up to him. But I definately agree that you seek solo counseling. It can only improve YOUR situation.
i stayed in a marriage like this for almost 20 years. don't do the same. leave him or at very least give him an ultimatum. you are allowing yourself to be controlled and if you stay with him you will eventually disappear altogether. in marriage if there is no two way communication the one party is almost certainly making compromises to make things work. that is wrong and unhealthy. it will send the message to your son that women are there to serve men without any respect or reward.
believe me. i have 2 kids who are now 15 and 11, a son and daughter. i left my husband 2 years ago and we have never looked back. they are still close to him and although we live in different countries they see and speak to him a lot. but from my point of view the best thing is not having to answer to anyone and not having to spend my life trying to meet someone else's standards. it's hard sometimes and i get lonely but i would never go back to that.
i spent years and years talking the way you do and recalling the same kind of things that happened again and again. i was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 and that was when i decided that i was gonna survive and then i was gonna kick him out of my life.
i did both. please don't wait for something awful to happen in your life that makes you think hard about your circumstances. are you happy now? what would make you happy? ask yourself those questions and then go about making it happy. you owe it to your son to put yourself first.
hugs.
Counseling - go yourself if he won't... it's so important.
Get the Navy involved... They have people to help you and him deal.
Good luck and keep us posted.
LBC
Go to counseling yourself if he won't go. I think this sounds like a pretty miserable situation, and I think you need to figure out why you have been putting up with it. It's not okay for him to treat you this way. He is being emotionally abusive. Once you've sorted through your feelings and you know what you want to do, you will feel better. Best of luck to you, hang in there!
I hate to throw this idea out there but have you thought that maybe he is cheating on you? Many times when a spouse is cheating there is one of two types of behavior during or after the affair. One being super nice,romantic and overboard affection to cover the guilt. Then there is the angry, blame shifting,and similar behavior your husband is displaying now toward you.
I do agree with others that counseling for at the very least for yourself since odds are he wont agree to attend counseling with you.
Are up for counsoling ? It is something to consider for a healthy marriage. you two obviously need to get to know eachother more and learn about the needs you both have and how to respect one another and love one another. it is not easy to do on your own. Pre-martial counsoling is really a benifit to anyone that wants to get married even if you only known one another for 1 year or 10 years. We all can use some help in how to treat one another.
If he won't go, then go by yourself. Obviously these are behaviors that are hard to change unless there is communication as to what is bugging him. Get some support, find some girl friends, keep busy and find happiness outside the house with friends and playgroups and just fun. This can get ugly if he is already expecting you to do certain things and showing controlling behavior. You really need to get some intervention. Good luck.
My husband and I went through something like this after having our third child. I ended up feeling really depressed and hopeless for a while. I ended up doing an online video counseling course which gave me great tips and things started turning around. I learned that I had been trying to over compensate for not getting what I needed by trying to do MORE and then ended up feeling resentful, which he was picking up on. Anyways, the keys ended up being spending time together, figuring out how I really felt and asking for my neds in a sweet way rather than when I was angry and learning how to really listen. I used www.strongmarriagenow.com. I did their 3 free videos, liked them and bought the rest. Totally worth it. Plus, my husband was so happy with my "new" attitude that he ended up watching some with me. I hope this helps and good luck!
Beki,
Yes, please do get some counseling for yourself. I am happy to hear you have such kind neighbors upstairs. I don't often speak of this (divorce), but if after you've gone to counseling and tried to do everything you can to save your marriage, I want you to ask yourself if it's worth it to be miserable every day. Life is too short to be wasted and miserable. I suggest you let your husband know that you are planning on going to counseling without him because you believe your marriage is worth saving and you want & need to do whatever you can to get some advice. Invite him to come with you by saying something like, "I love you and would love for you to come with me because I feel our marriage is worth it. We need to do something or neither of us will ever be happy."
I remember waking up feeling like you with my first marriage. He was a good guy, but after 3 1/2 years, I was miserable, taking care of everything including his son (my step-son). All I wanted was for him to stand behind his words with action, so after he agreed to counseling I asked him to make the appointment (and gave him our free schedule). First, he booked the appt. when I was out of town. When I asked him to reschedule, he said that he would just go to the first one by himself - fine by me, sounds like a good idea. When I returned and asked him how it went, he said, "oh, I totally forgot and then was too embarrassed to call and reschedule". That was the last straw (although I stuck around for another 3 months), every day I woke up thinking, "what a waste of another day of my life". Finally, one day as I was driving home from work daydreaming about driving right past my house, I knew it was over.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I know it's not for everyone. I believe wholeheartedly that when you marry, you do it with every intention of making it work, BUT it takes two. You can't carry this all by yourself and you can't stick around in an unhappy marriage being miserable all of the time. It's not fair to you, to your husband or your child.
I am now very happily married (with our struggles, but we both work hard to stay together) and our child.
I wish you all the luck in the world and give you permission to do what it takes to take care of yourself and not feel guilty about doing what's right for you to make you happy!
-S.
At the very least set up an appointment for yourself. You seem to be depressed and the therapist will help you gain insight on what is really going on. It may just be any number of things plus he may be just an xxx and you need to gain insight on what you really want out of the relationship.
Sweetie- I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time!!
First off, I think you need to get some support and counseling ON YOUR OWN. Your self esteem is suffering from this situation, and you need to be strong for yourself and your children. Not wanting to get up, fix your hair, put on nice clothes, etc. are all signs of depression- a very REAL issue- and you need to get out and do something about it before it gets worse, ok? If you are on a military base, there should be a lot of support for military wives who have been through the exact same things you are going through now. It's wonderful that you have such good neighbors, but don't just rely on them- go talk to someone official about it, NOW, ok?
For your husband- it sounds like he also needs to talk to someone. I am sure he will be resistant to this, but you need marriage counseling and it sounds like he has a lot of anger and depression as well. He needs to know that again, this is VERY COMMON- lots of people in the military have these issues. It is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. There is help there for BOTH of you if you can take it.
If you married in haste, you probably did not get a chance to do some of the work that couples do before marriage to make things go a little more smoothly. Even in a very good, solid relationship, people will have different habits, expectations, etc. that can make things hard. When I got remarried last year, the minister who married us insisted that we go to couples counseling with him for several sessions beforehand, even though we had no real problems as a couple. It was SO helpful and interesting and helped us to love one another even more and see each other in a whole new light.
It may be that your husband married without realizing who you really were or what you were both getting into, but that does NOT mean he doesn't love you. he just might not be very GOOD at it yet! Being a good husband or wife takes some practice and patience on both sides- but both of you have to step up NOW and get some help if you are going to make this work.
I have a friend whose son is an MP. The thing he has to do most often is answer domestic violence calls on base. You really don't want to become one of those statistics. It is NEVER ok for your husband to name call or belittle you or threaten or frighten you. NEVER. What you are dealing with is not the way things ought to be- whether or not your family can make changes to improve things remains to be seen, but you have to get out and take some steps to do it.
Hopefully your husband does not want things to be this way either- he needs to get help to channel his anger and frustration into something else and not bring it home. In the end, do what will be best for you and your son. Good luck honey!!
Gosh, reading this brought me back to my life a year ago. I basically had the same thing going on minus the child and pets. My husband started acting differently soon after we married. He too has a stressful job and he brought it home as well. We hardly ever were intimate, and when I brought it up he would close up and would not want to discuss it. I mentioned (begged) for him to go to counseling and he shot me down. I lasted like that for a year...I left right before our first anniversary. Now I am not advising to leave, that was just the only option I felt I had left because he was not even talking to me anymore. SOO then, he came to his senses and agreed that if I would come back to him that he would go to counseling and truly work on all of our problems ( I was just so glad that he finally admitted that he had a problem that needed fixing). I came back two months later and lo and behold I got pregnant immediately (a blessing, but was not planning at that time bc we were trying to work on us). I panicked but he kept his word and we started counseling all through my pregnancy. Our relationship got a LOT better and things have been working out so far. We of course have bumps in the road here and there, but we are getting through them together. He realizes now that it is important for him to TRY!
I hope this helped...it may not be an answer but at least u know that you are not alone and that it can get better. There has to be a way to get through to him, you just need to figure what that way is. Good luck, and I will be praying for you:)
The fact that your husband refuses to go to counseling with you says it all. I am sorry, but it really doesn't seem like he loves you. He treats you horribly. This situation would not be okay with me. I know what I would do. Best wishes.
Please take your son and go to you mom's or a sister's or a friend's.
Is there some kind of social services office on base
(assuming he's active duty)?
If so, go there.
If not . . . just GET OUT.
ASAP.
Stop trying to FIX it.
It can't be fixed.
Please take care of yourself and your little boy.
I don't know if this applies to your husband but I recently watched a documentary about military husbands. It documented many of the men being near explosions or accidents that triggered something in their brain. The wives on the show stated that they noticed a difference in their husbands mood, attitude and anger. What made me remember it was all the wives said "it wasn't the man I married". Anyway turns out that something unnoticiable happened and it caused a small brain injury that changed the men into very hateful people. If he has been around any explosions or had any accidents I would prob have a dr do a full exam including brain scan. Im sorry you are in this situation and I hope something changes for the better!!
Updated
I don't know if this applies to your husband but I recently watched a documentary about military husbands. It documented many of the men being near explosions or accidents that triggered something in their brain. The wives on the show stated that they noticed a difference in their husbands mood, attitude and anger. What made me remember it was all the wives said "it wasn't the man I married". Anyway turns out that something unnoticiable happened and it caused a small brain injury that changed the men into very hateful people. If he has been around any explosions or had any accidents I would prob have a dr do a full exam including brain scan. Im sorry you are in this situation and I hope something changes for the better!!
It sounds like your husband is depressed and this has caused you to be depressed too. You guys either need professional help, or you need to have some big heart to heart talks. This talks would have to be non-blaming and instead focus on what is wrong and what needs to be fixed. You should probably start taking notes so you are ready for these talks. Be specific, but don't be judgmental. You guys have a break in your connection that needs to be fixed.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am the sister of two military men and the sister of a military wife. I am ad to gear you are on a base as there is a much better support system there. You need to seek out whatever resources you can find for yourself. Go to counseling yourself. As you have said you need it for you and your son. Build yourself up for you. Dress to your shoes everyday. Go through the motions for yourself. Fake it until you can make it. Being a military wife is nearly as difficult as being the enlisted. So cut yourself some slack. Continue to make friends on base. See if there are support groups. Get out and about with your son. You can do this. Hopefully he will come around. But you need to do it for yourself and son. Best wishes.
Your husband sounds clinically depressed. Women tend to think of depression as weepiness and sadness, but in men it generally manifests itself as anger and moodiness, or preoccupation with the TV and computer. Of course, if you suggest that he's depressed, he'll get angry and defensive and insist there's nothing "wrong" with him.
If you really feel that you would benefit from counseling, GO! By yourself. It will help.
You might try not being quite so accommodating of snappishness, though. If he says something like, "You sit around all day," just calmly say, "Would you like to take the baby, the dogs and the house over for a day, and see how much you get to sit down?" Women often feel that if they can just smooth everything over, their husband will be happier, but he can't know what you're thinking or doing unless you tell him!
Asking him how he feels will make him grumpy. When he comes home in a bad mood, just tell him, "It makes it really h*** o* me when you're angry." If he insists that he's fine, give him an example or two - "Well, it sure looks like you're angry if you're frowning, slamming doors and complaining about dinner!"
Hang in there! All marriages go through stages. It won't last forever.
You've had a lot of great advice here, but this is my personal experience. Roxanne's experience is my story......and I've lost myself, and my daughter's respect. I've stayed a with a man that is emotionally and verbally abusive, like yours, and it's an awful life. I wish I had the strength to leave. These men are awful inside, and need help, and won't get it. It has nothing to do with military experiences, we've never been near it. In fact it happens with the most educated and non-educated, every race, every profession....it's a problem with the man. Someone gave me the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Evans. It at least helped me put words to the problem and helped me able to communicate to others about our marriage problems.
So sorry for what you're going through. It's very confusing, and you have to remember - it's not you!!!!! He has problems! It's not you! Go be proud of yourself, I'm sure you are a wonderful woman and mother!
I read your follow up and I am glad things are turning around for you. I just want to add one thing. You mention that 'he is insecure', but almost in the same breath you say 'he knows you are on the verge of leaving if...' I have to tell you that's not going to help his insecurity! When our marriage was in a shaky place, after many talks and tears, we both recalled or vows and re-committed to staying together. That gave both of us the freedom to work out our feelings and our issues honestly without fear of saying or doing something that would tip the scale to leaving. From what you've said it really sounds like you CAN have a good marriage if you both work at it - and I promise you it will be worth it, for all 3 of you!!! So if I can give you just one piece of advice, it's to not leave that threat of leaving hanging out there, but rather to commit to making it work. I know it's hard... but please receive this as caring words from someone who has been there (10+ years ago - and our marraige is better now than I could ever have dreamed...) PS - I haven't read all the replies but if you can get a copy of the book THE LOVE DARE it might really help in your situation...
I think that there are a few things to consider. If he is physically abusive, then you need to protect yourself and your son. The bottom line though is you can't change him, you can only change yourself. If you got married looking for someone to validate who you are then you will be disappointed because people are human, and they will fail us.
Choose to reasonably love your husband. Love yourself. Take a shower and do your hair for you and for your son. Find who you are inside and live with a sense of respect that you are you and worthy! We (women) wait a long time to get validation from the ones we love and it needs to come from within. Do the cleaning and cooking etc because it is the right thing to do, not just because you need to do it for him. Do it for yourself.
Take time to think about who you are, who you want to be, who you want your son to be and how you want to teach him to live his life. What is it you want from marriage and what would it look like to you to have a healthy marriage. Write it down and journal your feelings.
You are married and while people have said to get out - i don't agree. You will still have this pleasing nature that wants validation and you will pick someone similar. We always try to pick a mate to heal our parental relationships. You also will always have a relationship with this man because you have a child together. You won't ever be rid of him so you might as well figure out how to be healthy with him.
That being said, do your best to love him but work on yourself. Do the things he has said he needs but in a way that says i will love you for who you are. Find out why you are who you are in the relationship. As you change, realize that it will bring your relationship to a head. Your changing will cause your husband inadvertently to look at himself and see who he is. It takes time, consistency and lots of prayer.
Two good books are : Women who try to hard by Kevin Leman and The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.
You married him for his good qualities and now you are seeing the bad but could he say the same of you? If we only love because of what we get from someone we aren't really loving them are we?
It starts with you, it is a hard journey and a rewarding one if you chose to take it. I hope you feel encouraged and not discouraged by my words. I just know that through my own marriage and struggles it is worth it. But i had to decide to change first and my mistake was waiting so long for him to change. Once i decided to change, it made me feel better about myself and then he was left with himself. He couldn't blame me for his unhappiness.
We like to blame others and it is a pattern that doesn't help.
Find people you can model in terms of their relationships and people who will support you on this journey and do talk to someone. I am sure the base has support for just this very reason.
I will be praying for you. I know it is a long and lonely place to be in. Blessings.
I would say start working now on putting a plan together on how to leave him. Once you get all of your ducks in a row...may take a while. You will need to secure a job, housing, etc. But once you have it all in place you will CALMLY tell him that you are leaving because you cannot continue on like this. It is up to you..if he says he will change you may want to give him one last try if you still love him. If not, leave. And do it without emotion b/c if you show you care he will know that he can manioulate you.
I am hoping that just the planning to leave will help you to feel a little better because you are taking action to resolve your situation. Good luck.
Beki, Yes, please do get some counseling on your own, for yourself & your son. It is a stressful situation that many of us have experienced, with the added stress of military life for you. Counseling is your first step. Thinking the most positive of thoughts for you and your family. Peace, B.
Go to your doctor and tell him what is going on. Get some help. P.
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. What you are going through is bad for your own self-confidence, and also for your son. You should talk to a good counselor to help yourself and gain some perspective. I had a relationship not unlike that a longer time ago (before being a mom), and did not realize how severely damaging that was until it was over. I am sure it's a hard thought to be alone with your son, but you'll eventually have to set some ultimatum, like taking a break from your husband if he does not respond to you.
I wish you the best.
I agree with Margie M's advice 100%.
Definitely get some professional support/counseling for you; it sounds as though all of this has caused you to be clinically depressed and you need help to get out of it.
Military one source: 1-800-342-9647; militaryonesource.com
It also sounds like your husband needs help, too, though he's unwilling. But get the help you need to be mentally & emotionally as healthy as possible, and get the tools you need to help him, if he'll let you.
{{{Hugs}}}. I'm praying for all of you.
