Hubs Has Baby Fever

Hub isn't the one who is going to be pregnant. You are. Hub isn't the one who is going to be in labor. You are.

And when it comes down to it, unless BOTH spouses 100% WANT to make a baby (or another baby), then no babies should be made.

After my daughter was born, I knew that I NEVER wanted to have another baby, and no matter how much a spouse might have wanted it, I would not have done it.

As a very happy mom of one -- please don't second-guess yourself into another baby. Don't let anyone guilt you into another baby.

If you wanted one you would know it in your heart and gut.

This is the one topic where both husband and wife must be 100 percent on board, period. Not 95 percent on one side and 100 on the other. Not even 99 percent on one side. At least that's how I feel.

You are perfectly right that your son is at an age where you can actually relate to him and engage with him. Unless you love the baby stage and really can deal with juggling baby while Son is three and four and five -- you will find that your focus must be on the new child. I am going to be really frank here: With, say, a four-year-old and a new infant, you will not have time to volunteer at your son's preschool. You'll have to say no to many kid classes and other activities and outings you'd like to share with your son because "That happens right at the baby's naptime so we can't do it." When your son's coming to you for help with his kindergarten "homework" and so on, it will have to revolve around the younger child's schedule. That's just how it is. Those who really want another child will say "So what" but if you already feel that the logistics, the chaos etc. x2 "don'ts seem particularly appealing," then you already have your answer.

As for your son's detriment -- if Husband is saying you NEED another child as a playmate for your son and close friend for life--no! There is zero guarantee that two siblings will be close friends, or even playmates when young. If you asked your son he'd probably say "Yes, I'd love a baby brother or sister to play with!" but he has no idea that he would get a tiny baby and not an instant playmate. Please don't have a child to provide a playmate or friend for your current child.

Go. With. Your. Gut.

Hold up! Wasn't your marriage in crisis just a few months ago? Was that resolved or was it just brushed under the carpet?

Full disclosure: I am going through a divorce, so I am probably projecting my feelings onto your situation. But do you think having a baby would help your marriage or hurt it? If you are not completely sold on the idea of having another baby, I would definitely hold off. You are not being selfish. You are being smart.

Growing up with my sister was horrible.
I always thought having 2 kids might be nice but once we had our son I just could not stand the thought of putting him through the misery I went through.
2nd siblings have been a nightmare in our family for several generations.
My husband is an only child and loves it.
He's perfectly happy with our one child and so is our son.

I mean this with nothing but concern for you, but are you sure that your marriage is strong enough to add another member? I know you've posted a couple questions regarding marriage troubles. My hubby and I have known each other since we were teenagers and were married for years without any trouble before DS was born. It was SHOCKING to me the transition that our healthy marriage went through, despite the joy our son brought us, it was the hardest time we've ever been through. I can't imagine getting through it without a very solid and trusting relationship to start with. On another note, why are YOU selfish if you don't want another one, but he isn't for wanting one you don't? In my opinion, another baby shouldn't be added to the mix unless both parents are 100% sure they want one, and are ready to deal with all the ramifications of a growing family. Ultimately, please be sure about what you want before making a decision. There's no rule that says your son being an only child (for now, or forever) will be to his detriment, personally I am feeling guilty for taking that status away from our DS now that we are having another. Enjoy this time with him, 3 is such an awesome age!

I was an only child. It was a VERY lonely childhood growing up. None of my friends lived close to me, and my dad was never willing to get up off his butt (napping through football games and NASCAR/NHRA racing) to really do anything with/for me.

My kids are 3 1/2 years apart. My son, while he has his issues, is an AWESOME big brother. He's always been very protective of his sister. They will be 10 1/2 and 7 when this baby comes. He's hot and cold about it, and she's thrilled about being a big sister.

Do I think you're selfish? That's not a decision I get to make. This is something that the two of you need to work out. For 4 1/2 years I SWORE I was done having kids. I had a boy, and a girl, what more did I want?

Y'all really need to sit down and talk this all out.

ETA: I forgot to mention in my original post that I was an only child raised by a single working father. Pam R's post reminded me of that fact.

While I don't think having only one is selfish, I do think you should talk with your husband and find out why he wants more then one to be fair to his feelings as well. All the things you fear (the added noise, the fights) will happen with two, but you also get many amazing things, like watching them play together, laugh together, stand up for each other. My youngest has nightmares sometimes so his older brother lets him sleep in his bed every night, now the bad dreams are gone. They are best friends even when they fight. In the end you and your husband will have to come to some kind of agreement you can both live with, but remember as you look at the bad, that there is good too.

Is your marriage on absolute solid ground? First and most important.

I could have stopped at one child and been perfectly happy.

But God had other ideas.

As my 2 mature, I know they appreciate each other so much. I can't help but think, whatever I went through with all those trials that two bring, I'm glad God blessed my family with one more.

Not to be trite, but moms generally do the heavy lifting in the family when it comes to the kids. Certainly not always, but generally. Dads generally shoulder a larger financial burden and the moms deal with the transport/organizing/homework/school/household aspects of things.

I think if your heart isn't in it, then it's not a good idea, period. Being the mom of a singleton, I would feel resentful of a child I'd had "for" the sake of others. I don't want sibling bickering (did enough of that as a nanny), I don't want to do the pregnancy thing with even a six year old (much less a younger child), and there's no guarantee that siblings will even bond.

There are many things we can do for altruistic reasons which might be inconvenient but don't carry long-term consequences for us. Babies are not in that category. I really enjoy my son's friendships and his time with his cousins... I would never have a second child because I truly do not want one. I guess this really depends on how strongly you feel on the 'don't' side. But as Fuzzy says, unless both parents are 100% on board-- this has a high potential for regret or resentment of your spouse or the child. That's not a chance I would be willing to take.

I think since you haven't closed the door on the conversation, you are not being selfish. However, haven't you been having problems with your husband cheating recently...? Sorry to be blunt about it, but I imagine it would be very difficult to have another baby if this issue hasn't been resolved and worked through.

I think your gut instinct is giving you the right info. Both parents have to be on board 100% for it to work. And, for myself anyway, even if both are 100% and there is an underlying or unresolved problem in the marriage, I would still wait.

So, you don't have to close the door on it, but don't feel selfish. It can be right, just not right NOW.

I don't think you are being selfish and having only one child isn't detrimental to anyone. My hubby and I have only one. I'd just explain to your hubby how you feel and that while you may want another eventually, you just aren't there quite yet. What would be detrimental would be you carrying and ultimately caring for a child that you aren't totally on board with having.

Updated

I don't think you are being selfish and having only one child isn't detrimental to anyone. My hubby and I have only one. I'd just explain to your hubby how you feel and that while you may want another eventually, you just aren't there quite yet. What would be detrimental would be you carrying and ultimately caring for a child that you aren't totally on board with having.

Before you got married, did you talk about the number of children you would have? Not that that means that you can't change your mind, but it's something to consider. If you both agreed on more than one and that's always been the plan, then that's one scenario. If you were on the same page with maybe one and then see how you both feel after, that's a different scenario. If you didn't talk about it at all, well then you have yet another scenario.

You're a thoughtful woman so my guess is that you and your husband have discussed this before - consider what has changed and what hasn't. Use those thoughts to guide your conversations with him.

I don't think your being selfish, but neither is he. If you've set the expectation for more than one, then deciding on no more will be quite an adjustment for him.

FWIW...I really think that most of those concerns that you have - most of which are logistical in nature - would disappear if you had another baby. You seem like a smart, capable woman and a wonderful mother and based on what I know of you from what you write here, you would be equally great as a mother to two as you are as a mom of one. Of course the decision is highly personal (and keep in mind that my opinion comes from a chaos-loving mother of four LOL) but I figured I'd throw that out there. You know how you meet some parents and think "yeah, one is probably a good limit for them"? You're not one of the people I would have that thought about ;-)

1. Never ever bring another child into the world unless you're 100% certain that your marriage is on solid ground.

2. Having two is awesome. My boys are great friends and I'm so glad that they have eachother. Don't just consider what it'll be like for you over the next 5-10 years, because that's a drop in the bucket. Consider that you won't always be the center of your child's world...eventually he'll be an adult. And eventually you and your husband will pass away.

I had a friend who is an only child in his 40's. He's pretty lonely because his mom and dad are the only family he has to be close to, and they're elderly. The entire responsibility of caring for them is on his shoulders.

I understand what you're saying about the trouble of starting over, but I'd lean toward having one more and THEN being done. To me, the reasons to have more than one outweigh the reasons not to. The reasons my oldest needed a sibling outweighed my reasons not to go to the trouble.

I truly think more kids just makes the love and energy explode. I loved having siblings and am still close to my sister to this day. My brother? Not so much.

I have friends who are from huge families, 8-12 kids kinds of families, and I would rather go to their mom's house for any holiday than do ours alone. They have fun goofing off, playing together, sharing pain and joy, they always have someone they can turn to and find help or comfort.

I hated only having one child but that was all I could carry. My sister lost 3 before she had her one child.

I think it's easier the closer together they are so if you are going to have more kids I suggest you consider it deep down, because now is the ideal time to have another. It won't break the whole thing if you wait even another year but this is a great time to do this.

If you pray then do so, go to a quiet place and get down and earnestly pour your heart out. Then sit and listen, if you don't pray this is still a good exercise but just talk to yourself out loud, and sit still, eyes closed and feel, feel how your heart/spirit/soul is, is it peaceful with having more kids?, fearful?, calm and content with trying for another?, you have to hear what you feel inside and sometimes the world gets in our way. That's why we sometimes make a decision then regret it and we don't know why. We didn't know what we were truly feeling.

Also, hubby comes into this. Is he going to grow resentment towards you if he can't have the family he wants? Will he seek out someone that will give him the larger family he wants? Will he share the responsibility in getting up during the nights? Will he be an active participant in this child's upbringing?

See, here's the thing: when you have kids close in age together, it's a living hell for a short period of time, but then you turn around one day and you are all alone (thus why I wanted a third). Kids go off together and no longer need mommy. It's amazing to me how much more work only children are. I'm serious. Having three kids is way more easier than having one. In fact, I thought being a parent was super hard when I had my single baby. Now as a mommy of three? I so get why people just keep having babies. It gets easier, and easier and easier. I had so many worries about having a third. 18 months later (pregnancy plus 9 months)...not a single one has come to be. In fact, it's been better than I could have imagined. Since you are an experienced mom, you prevent problems before they arise. What may have been overwhelming before, is a non-issue now.

With that said, I have a good friend that recognized that she was made to be the mom of an only. She said to me," i'm too selfish, I want "me-time" back, and if I have another kid, I'll have to wait longer."

Only you know what's right for you and hubby. Listen to your heart, and listen to your hubby, and you will know.

I know on a certain level this is crazy... And I certainly hope it's not an issue anyway and your marriage works out. But I have thought that it must be even tougher having divorced parents or even being a divorced parent with only one child. Just the 2 of you all the time. My kids get SO MUCH entertainment from each other that bc I know a divorced mom of 1, I have thought how lonely it would be for both of us if it was just the two of us. Of course if things are really bad, you don't bring a child into it but if you think there is a very good chance things work out, I think in general a sibling is really nice to have. And I don't think all siblings get along, the more the merrier etc. i stopped at 2 bc of that. But I think at least a shot at a sibling to be close to and help as parents age. It is hard when they're young but I have countless times thanked my lucky stars I have 2 bc of the fun they have together and therefore it makes it easier on me. The divorce thing is something I don't have first hand knowledge of so I may be way way off base and it's stupid advice. It's just something I have thought of bc of the divorced mom of 1 I know. I know she really struggles to entertain her daughter as she's gotten older. And a friend grew up wiht divorced parents and no siblings and says it was boring and lonely...

I stopped with one because it was the most loving and generous thing I could have chosen, on many levels. My daughter did have a couple of years in which she longed for s sister. Then we took in a friend of hers as a foster child for 9 months, and my daughter discovered how hard it was to have to share everything. And Foster Sis was not a sweet little thing that loved pink sparkles, but a child of a deeply disturbed household who brought a few interesting dysfunctions with her. It's important to remember that a real child/person comes complete with personality and quirks, which can be delightful. Or not so much.

The dream can be quite different from the reality. And as one of four daughters who have almost no contact with each other as we are aging, and only two of us have a supportive relationship with our aging mother, I think all of us would say that we have developed our own chosen families that fit our needs much better than our families of origin.

I knew I could not care for two children as well as one, based on my own financial, physical and emotional limitations. So I gave everything I had to being a good mom to one. It was a delight, and I have no regrets. And now I'm the happy, included granny to one charming little boy. Life is good.

Whatever you end up choosing, I hope it brings you satisfaction. That will be good for your toddler and your husband, too. If you can't go into a second pregnancy whole-hearted, you might inquire into what need(s) your husband is wishing to fill with a second child. There may be other, perhaps less life-changing, ways to meet those.

Hi B., tell hubs to take two baby aspirin & go lay down. I'm jk, trying to bring some humor. Good luck w/what y'all decide. I'd LOVE another one but mine just turned 5 and I think of ALL those things you mentioned.

My two are 6 years apart. This has work so well for us. My daughter started school and had a full month under her belt before her brother was born. I've been able to give him the one on one attention during the day that I feel he deserves.

With her being older she has a better understanding of what he needs and why she has to share my time. She can also tell me when she needs more of me.

Something my husband knew when we married was if we had more then on child, we would do our best to plan them at least 4 years apart.

Have you talked to your husband about your reservations? I think a conversation is what you two need,

Good luck.

Hello F. B., You probably already know my answer. No, of course you're not being selfish. You are thinking and planning things out. Your hubby is being impulsive and just following what other people say. Quotes that I really dislike:
1. "Having a baby proves you love/are committed to your hubby/marriage." - That is the biggest line of .....Ok, I've got to calm down here and talk more logically. A way to look at it is how many divorced people do you know without children? Not many. A child's purpose should not be to try to keep a marriage together. You have a baby, because you love babies and enjoy having a family with children. Having a baby doesn't show you love your hubby. Case in point...There are more childless couples than there used to be, is he saying they don't love each other? So...off the soap box. How do you show you love your hubby?.....Keep in mind that a marriage is made up of two people, so things have to go both ways....By supporting his dreams, little hugs for no reason, making special meals, back rubs, helping him with doing things around the house, etc.
2. "Only children are lonely children," "Your child needs a sibling to play with, so it's easier on you," "Your child needs a sibling for social skills," etc. - That's one of the biggest myths ever. Only children learn how to play independently and are used to it being quiet. They like it quiet. My DS's is an only child and he told me he loves it, because he has the "best of both worlds." If he wants someone his own age to play with, he can invite one or more friends over. If he needs it to be quiet for his own personal "down time" or he needs to study, it's just him and he doesn't have to worry about the place getting noisy. (He's 15 yro. time flies.) My DS enjoys being an only child. Having more than one child is more like a game of chance. Your children might turn out being great, supportive siblings or they could turn out to be feuding siblings.
3."I something happens to your son, you don't have any children left." - Hummm.....This is the worst statement I've had people say to me and it really ticks me off since I have to respond to it in a very humanistic way....Sorry, but children are not the same as pets. They are irreplaceable. If you loose a child, you will feel pain whether you have one or twelve. It's not like going down to the local SPCA and picking out another dog a few weeks after your dog has died. I just find quote #3 to be really creepy.
4. "You need to have more than one child, so that child isn't stressed out being the only person taking care of you when you get older." - I just kind of thought I'd wind up in an old fogies' home anyway.

Soooooo.......Back to your hubby. Just tell him you'll think about it and drop it. It's a lot easier than arguing. If he says you're taking a long time, just tell him that it's a decision that requires a lot of thought and planning.